Your dream job

Your dream job

I have a lot of beautiful dreams, but the dream I like to study the most is logistics. In terms of work, this industry is quite diverse, requires a lot of creativity, requires a lot of thinking. It is necessary to focus on planning, implementing and managing the transfer and storage of goods. The reason why I like to study this major is because society is developing with the improvement of material and spiritual life. I realized that studying logistics is a fairly developed economic field, with a lot of potential, I see this as a suitable profession to expose to life

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "I have a lot of beautiful dreams" -> "I have numerous aspirations"
   Explanation: The phrase "I have a lot of beautiful dreams" is overly casual and vague. "Numerous aspirations" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic tone better.

2. "the dream I like to study the most" -> "my preferred field of study"
   Explanation: "the dream I like to study the most" is informal and colloquial. "My preferred field of study" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

3. "this industry is quite diverse, requires a lot of creativity, requires a lot of thinking" -> "this industry is highly diverse, demanding both creativity and critical thinking"
   Explanation: The original phrase is repetitive and informal. The revised version is more concise and uses more precise language suitable for academic writing.

4. "It is necessary to focus on planning, implementing and managing the transfer and storage of goods" -> "Effective planning, implementation, and management of goods transfer and storage are crucial"
   Explanation: The original sentence is a bit awkward and informal. The revised version is more concise and uses passive voice, which is often preferred in formal academic writing.

5. "The reason why I like to study this major is because" -> "I am drawn to this major because"
   Explanation: "The reason why I like to study this major is because" is verbose and informal. "I am drawn to this major because" is more concise and maintains a formal tone.

6. "society is developing with the improvement of material and spiritual life" -> "society is evolving alongside advancements in material and spiritual life"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and vague. The revision clarifies the relationship between societal development and advancements in life.

7. "I realized that studying logistics is a fairly developed economic field" -> "I recognize that logistics is a well-established economic field"
   Explanation: "I realized" is less formal than "I recognize," and "fairly developed" is vague. "Well-established" is more precise and formal.

8. "with a lot of potential" -> "with significant potential"
   Explanation: "With a lot of potential" is informal and imprecise. "With significant potential" is more formal and specific.

9. "I see this as a suitable profession to expose to life" -> "I view this as a suitable profession for exposure to life"
   Explanation: "Expose to life" is incorrect and unclear. "For exposure to life" is grammatically correct and maintains a formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt regarding the writer’s dream job by discussing logistics as a field of interest. However, it fails to fully explore the concept of a "dream job." The response is vague and does not provide specific details about what makes logistics the writer’s dream job, such as personal motivations, aspirations, or experiences related to this field. The essay lacks depth in addressing why logistics is appealing compared to other professions.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should elaborate on personal experiences or aspirations that connect them to logistics. Including specific examples of what excites them about this field, such as particular roles, challenges, or the impact of logistics on society, would create a more comprehensive answer.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a general interest in logistics but lacks a clear and consistent position regarding why it is the writer’s dream job. The statement "I have a lot of beautiful dreams" introduces ambiguity, and the subsequent discussion does not clarify the writer’s passion or commitment to pursuing a career in logistics.
  • How to improve: The writer should establish a clear thesis statement early in the essay that encapsulates their enthusiasm for logistics as a dream job. Consistently reinforcing this position with supporting details throughout the essay will help maintain clarity and coherence.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are underdeveloped and lack sufficient support. While the writer mentions the diversity of the logistics industry and its requirements, these points are not elaborated upon. There are no concrete examples or personal anecdotes that would help to illustrate the writer’s connection to the field.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to present more detailed ideas and extend them with examples. For instance, discussing specific roles within logistics, such as supply chain management or transportation planning, and how these roles align with their skills or interests would provide a more robust argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing logistics as the writer’s dream job. However, the lack of depth and specificity leads to a somewhat scattered focus. The mention of "material and spiritual life" feels disconnected from the main topic and does not contribute to the overall argument.
  • How to improve: The writer should ensure that every sentence contributes directly to the main topic. Avoiding vague statements and focusing on relevant details about logistics and its significance to the writer’s aspirations will help maintain a tighter focus on the topic.

In summary, the essay demonstrates an attempt to engage with the prompt but falls short in depth, clarity, and support. By providing more specific examples, maintaining a clear position, and ensuring all content is relevant to the topic, the writer can significantly improve their score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear focus on the topic of logistics as the dream job, but the organization of ideas could be improved. The introduction mentions a variety of dreams but quickly shifts to logistics without a smooth transition. The explanation of logistics is somewhat fragmented, with ideas about its diversity and requirements presented in a list-like manner. For example, the sentence "It is necessary to focus on planning, implementing and managing the transfer and storage of goods" could be better integrated into a more comprehensive discussion about why these aspects are important to the field.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using a clear structure with distinct sections: an introduction that outlines the main points, a body that elaborates on each point with examples, and a conclusion that summarizes the insights. Transition phrases such as "Firstly," "Moreover," and "In conclusion" can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks clear paragraphing, which affects readability and coherence. Currently, all ideas are presented in a single paragraph, making it challenging for the reader to follow the progression of thoughts. Each idea related to logistics, such as its diversity, creativity, and potential, could be developed into separate paragraphs to provide clarity and focus.
  • How to improve: Implement a structured approach to paragraphing by starting a new paragraph for each main idea. For instance, one paragraph could focus on the definition and scope of logistics, another on the skills required, and a third on personal motivations for pursuing this field. This will help the reader to digest each point more easily and understand the connections between them.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "but" and "because," to connect ideas; however, the range is limited. The lack of varied cohesive devices can make the writing feel repetitive and less engaging. For instance, the phrase "I realized that studying logistics is a fairly developed economic field" could benefit from additional linking words to clarify the relationship between the realization and the statement about logistics.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Furthermore" to add information, "However" to contrast ideas, and "For instance" to provide examples. Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help to create a smoother flow of information.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a clear focus on the topic of logistics, improvements in logical organization, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in these areas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary related to the topic of logistics, such as "logistics," "diverse," "creativity," and "planning." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "requires a lot" is used multiple times, which detracts from the overall richness of the language. Additionally, terms like "material and spiritual life" and "developed economic field" are somewhat vague and could be expressed with more specific terminology.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more specific terms. For example, instead of repeating "requires a lot," alternatives like "demands significant" or "necessitates extensive" could be used. Expanding the vocabulary to include industry-specific jargon or phrases would also strengthen the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary choices are appropriate, there are instances of imprecision. For example, the phrase "I like to study this major" could be more accurately expressed as "I am passionate about pursuing a career in logistics." Additionally, the term "expose to life" is unclear and does not convey a precise meaning in this context.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects their intended meaning. It would be beneficial to revise unclear phrases and ensure that the vocabulary aligns closely with the ideas being expressed. For instance, instead of "expose to life," the writer could say "engage with real-world challenges" to clarify their point.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains no noticeable spelling errors, which indicates a good level of spelling accuracy. Words such as "logistics," "creativity," and "planning" are spelled correctly, contributing positively to the overall readability of the text.
  • How to improve: To maintain and further enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should continue to proofread their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch any potential errors. Additionally, expanding vocabulary through reading can also reinforce correct spelling of new words.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range and precision. By incorporating a wider variety of terms and ensuring clarity in expression, the writer can enhance their overall score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the writer employs simple sentences ("I have a lot of beautiful dreams") alongside more complex structures ("the dream I like to study the most is logistics"). However, the essay could benefit from more complex sentence forms, such as conditional sentences or relative clauses, to enhance the depth of expression. The use of phrases like "requires a lot of creativity" and "it is necessary to focus on" indicates an attempt to vary sentence beginnings, but the overall structure remains somewhat repetitive.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses or varied conjunctions. For example, instead of saying "It is necessary to focus on planning, implementing and managing," the writer could say, "In order to succeed in logistics, one must focus on planning, implementing, and managing the transfer and storage of goods." This not only adds complexity but also improves the flow of ideas.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay shows a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some noticeable errors. For instance, the phrase "requires a lot of thinking" is somewhat awkward and could be better expressed as "requires critical thinking." Additionally, the sentence "I realized that studying logistics is a fairly developed economic field, with a lot of potential" is a run-on sentence that could be split for clarity. Punctuation is generally correct, but the use of commas could be improved to enhance readability.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on sentence clarity and punctuation. Breaking down longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones can help. For example, the sentence mentioned above could be revised to: "I realized that studying logistics is a developed economic field. It has a lot of potential." Furthermore, reviewing common grammatical structures and practicing with exercises can help solidify understanding and application of correct grammar. Regularly reading well-structured essays can also provide insights into effective punctuation use.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in sentence variety and grammatical precision. By implementing the suggested strategies, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

I have numerous aspirations, but the dream I prefer to study the most is logistics. In terms of work, this industry is highly diverse, demanding both creativity and critical thinking. Effective planning, implementation, and management of goods transfer and storage are crucial. I am drawn to this major because society is evolving alongside advancements in material and spiritual life. I recognize that logistics is a well-established economic field with significant potential, and I view this as a suitable profession for exposure to life.