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1. Some people say that art subjects such as painting or drawing should not be made compulsory for high school students. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

1. Some people say that art subjects such as painting or drawing should not be made compulsory for high school students. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many people argue that high schools should remove the art subject from teaching programs for some reasons such as to improve the achievements and performance of students. Personally, I completely agree with this view.
There are several reasons why gifted subjects create an impact on students. One reason is students in high school need more time to prepare for the national high exam, which could be explained by the fact that with a higher score on that test, they will have more opportunities to apply to the top universities. So if art subject is added to the official time in school with the assignments and homework it will be an unnecessary burden on them. Instead of focusing on art subjects school boards should create the ideal conditions that help students equip the essential knowledge for their future. Furthermore, many parents tend to emphasize academic subjects instead of gifted subjects, if art subjects become compulsory it may generate pressure from parents on their children.
Apart from the practical disadvantages expressed above, I believe that the quality of infrastructure is a compelling reason. Nowadays, almost all schools cannot purchase the equipment that supports teaching art to a large number of students such as brushes and colours, among others. Additionally, the problems are not only the lack of teachers with the specific skills to teach drawing but also most students do have not an interest in art or they do not have the talent and ability to draw. For example, in Vietnam many high schools are teaching academic subjects instead of art subjects due to the issues relative to financial and educated teachers, however, Vietnam regularly achieves a high position in the international educational competition and outperforms.
In conclusion, it seems to me that art subject is unnecessary in high school, high schools should focus on the knowledge required for students and prepare them to work alone as adults.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Many people argue" -> "It is often argued"
    Explanation: "It is often argued" shifts the passive voice to a more formal and impersonal tone, which is preferred in academic writing.

  2. "for some reasons" -> "for several reasons"
    Explanation: "For several reasons" is more precise and formal than "for some reasons," which is vague and informal.

  3. "Personally, I completely agree" -> "I strongly concur"
    Explanation: "I strongly concur" is a more formal expression suitable for academic writing, replacing the more conversational "Personally, I completely agree."

  4. "gifted subjects create an impact" -> "the inclusion of gifted subjects has an impact"
    Explanation: "The inclusion of gifted subjects has an impact" clarifies the subject and verb agreement, making the sentence more precise and formal.

  5. "students in high school need more time to prepare" -> "students in high school require additional time to prepare"
    Explanation: "Require" is more formal than "need," and "additional time" is more specific than "more time," enhancing the academic tone.

  6. "which could be explained by the fact that" -> "which is attributed to the fact that"
    Explanation: "Is attributed to the fact that" is a more formal and precise way to introduce a causal relationship in academic writing.

  7. "with the assignments and homework it will be an unnecessary burden" -> "with the added assignments and homework, it would constitute an unnecessary burden"
    Explanation: "Constitute" is more formal than "be," and "it would" is more precise in indicating potential future consequences, improving the formality and clarity of the sentence.

  8. "school boards should create the ideal conditions" -> "school administrators should establish optimal conditions"
    Explanation: "School administrators" is a more specific and formal term than "school boards," and "establish" is more precise than "create" in this context, suggesting a more deliberate and formal action.

  9. "many parents tend to emphasize" -> "many parents often prioritize"
    Explanation: "Often prioritize" is a more formal and precise way to express the habitual action of parents, replacing the less formal "tend to emphasize."

  10. "if art subjects become compulsory" -> "if art subjects are made compulsory"
    Explanation: "Are made compulsory" is a more formal and precise way to express the introduction of a requirement, aligning better with academic style.

  11. "the problems are not only the lack of teachers" -> "the issues extend beyond the lack of teachers"
    Explanation: "The issues extend beyond" is a more formal and encompassing phrase than "the problems are not only," which is somewhat informal and vague.

  12. "do have not an interest" -> "do not have an interest"
    Explanation: Corrects a grammatical error, improving the sentence structure and clarity.

  13. "due to the issues relative to financial and educated teachers" -> "due to financial and educational constraints"
    Explanation: "Financial and educational constraints" is a more precise and formal way to describe the challenges, replacing the vague and informal "issues relative to financial and educated teachers."

  14. "high schools should focus on the knowledge required for students" -> "high schools should prioritize the knowledge essential for students"
    Explanation: "Prioritize the knowledge essential for students" is more formal and emphasizes the importance of the knowledge, enhancing the academic tone.

  15. "prepare them to work alone as adults" -> "prepare them for independent adult life"
    Explanation: "Prepare them for independent adult life" is a more formal and precise phrase, avoiding the colloquial "work alone as adults."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position against making art subjects compulsory in high schools. The author provides several reasons to support this view, including the need for students to focus on academic subjects for better exam performance and the lack of resources for teaching art. However, the essay could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the topic. For instance, it does not sufficiently consider the potential benefits of art education or acknowledge opposing viewpoints, which could strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should address both sides of the argument more thoroughly. This could involve acknowledging the value of art in fostering creativity and critical thinking, even if the main stance is against its compulsory nature. Including a brief counterargument and then refuting it would demonstrate a more balanced approach.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against compulsory art subjects throughout the text. The author consistently supports this stance with logical reasoning. However, the phrase "Personally, I completely agree with this view" could be more assertively stated to emphasize the author’s conviction. Additionally, the conclusion reiterates the main argument but could be more impactful if it succinctly summarized the key points made in the body paragraphs.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity and conviction, the author should use stronger language in the introduction and conclusion. Phrases like "I firmly believe" or "It is essential to recognize" can enhance the assertiveness of the position. Moreover, summarizing the key arguments in the conclusion would reinforce the position taken.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the pressure of national exams and the lack of resources for art education. While these points are relevant, they are not always fully developed. For example, the mention of "many parents tend to emphasize academic subjects" could be expanded with specific examples or statistics to illustrate this point more effectively. Additionally, the argument about infrastructure lacks depth; it could benefit from discussing how this impacts the quality of education overall.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author should aim to elaborate on each point with examples, evidence, or anecdotes. This could involve providing specific statistics about student performance in countries with and without compulsory art education or citing studies that highlight the benefits of art in education. More detailed explanations would enhance the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the argument against compulsory art subjects. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For instance, the mention of Vietnam’s educational success could be more directly linked to the argument about art education rather than presented as a standalone observation.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central argument. This can be achieved by explicitly connecting examples and evidence to the thesis statement. Additionally, avoiding unrelated tangents will help keep the essay concise and relevant to the prompt.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, it would benefit from a more balanced exploration of the topic, stronger support for ideas, and tighter focus on the prompt. By addressing these areas, the author can enhance the overall effectiveness of their argument and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance against making art subjects compulsory, which is effectively communicated in the introduction. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the burden of art subjects to the lack of infrastructure feels abrupt. The essay moves from one point to another without clear connections, which can confuse the reader. The ideas about parental pressure and infrastructure issues are relevant but could be better linked to the main argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis. Additionally, employing transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "On the other hand") can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly, ensuring that each point builds on the previous one.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. The first paragraph introduces the argument, but the subsequent paragraphs could benefit from clearer delineation of ideas. For example, the second paragraph mixes several points (time management, parental pressure) without clear separation, making it harder to follow.
    • How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea. Consider breaking the second paragraph into two: one focusing on the time management aspect and the other on parental pressure. This would allow for more in-depth exploration of each point and improve readability.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for example" and "furthermore," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "the problems are not only the lack of teachers…" could be better linked to the previous sentence to enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases (e.g., "Moreover," "Consequently," "In contrast"). Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to clarify relationships between ideas. For instance, when introducing a contrasting idea, phrases like "On the contrary" or "However" can be effective in signaling a shift in perspective.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with terms like "achievements," "performance," "gifted subjects," and "infrastructure." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly with the phrases "art subjects" and "academic subjects," which are used multiple times without variation. This limits the overall lexical diversity of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "art subjects," alternatives like "creative disciplines," "visual arts," or "artistic courses" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "academic focus" instead of "academic subjects" would add variety.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "gifted subjects" is somewhat unclear; it could be interpreted in various ways. Furthermore, the term "unnecessary burden" is a strong phrase but lacks context in relation to the specific pressures faced by students. The phrase "students do have not an interest" is also awkward and incorrect.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should ensure that terms are clearly defined and contextually appropriate. Instead of "gifted subjects," the writer might use "non-academic subjects" or "elective courses." Additionally, revising awkward phrases for grammatical accuracy, such as changing "students do have not an interest" to "students may not have an interest," would enhance clarity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally good level of spelling accuracy, with few errors. However, there are some instances that could be improved, such as "colours," which is correct in British English but may be considered incorrect in American English if that was the intended audience. Additionally, "high exam" should be "high-stakes exam" or "national exam" for clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should be aware of the intended audience’s language variant (British vs. American English) and be consistent. Regular practice with spelling exercises and proofreading can help catch minor errors before submission. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or grammar checkers can also assist in identifying mistakes.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and maintaining attention to spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and some complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "One reason is students in high school need more time to prepare for the national high exam" showcases a basic complex structure. However, the essay could benefit from more varied complex sentences that include subordinate clauses and different conjunctions to enhance the flow and sophistication of ideas. For example, using structures like "Although many parents emphasize academic subjects, I believe that…" would add depth to the argument.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences and varying sentence beginnings. This can be achieved by using introductory phrases, relative clauses, and conditional statements. Additionally, reading a variety of academic essays can help identify effective sentence structures that can be emulated.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, the phrase "art subject is added to the official time in school with the assignments and homework it will be an unnecessary burden on them" lacks proper punctuation; it should be divided into two sentences or connected with a conjunction for clarity. Additionally, the phrase "most students do have not an interest in art" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "most students do not have an interest in art." These errors indicate a need for greater attention to grammatical rules and punctuation.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review common grammatical rules, particularly around subject-verb agreement and the use of negation. Practicing sentence diagramming can also help clarify sentence structure. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors, such as run-on sentences and comma splices, can improve clarity. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also provide additional insights into areas needing improvement.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many people argue that high schools should remove art subjects from teaching programs for several reasons, such as improving the achievements and performance of students. Personally, I completely agree with this view.

There are several reasons why gifted subjects have an impact on students. One reason is that students in high school require additional time to prepare for the national high exam, which is attributed to the fact that with a higher score on that test, they will have more opportunities to apply to top universities. If art subjects are added to the official school schedule, along with the assignments and homework, it would constitute an unnecessary burden on them. Instead of focusing on art subjects, school boards should establish optimal conditions that help students acquire the essential knowledge for their future. Furthermore, many parents often prioritize academic subjects instead of gifted subjects; if art subjects become compulsory, it may generate pressure from parents on their children.

Apart from the practical disadvantages expressed above, I believe that the quality of infrastructure is a compelling reason. Nowadays, almost all schools cannot purchase the equipment that supports teaching art to a large number of students, such as brushes and colors, among others. Additionally, the issues extend beyond the lack of teachers with the specific skills to teach drawing; most students do not have an interest in art, or they do not possess the talent and ability to draw. For example, in Vietnam, many high schools focus on teaching academic subjects instead of art subjects due to financial and educational constraints. However, Vietnam regularly achieves a high position in international educational competitions and outperforms others.

In conclusion, it seems to me that art subjects are unnecessary in high school. High schools should prioritize the knowledge essential for students and prepare them for independent adult life.

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