1. The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane

The diagram illustrates information about the production method of making sugar by sugar canes. The linear process consists of seven steps, which commences at the growth of sugar canes, through crushing; to evaporation; and finishes at drying and cooling.
In the first half of the process, three first strides have used basic machines and simple technique. Firstly, sugar canes have been planted by farmers, and this progress has extended for 12-18 months, followed by cropping by two methods, which have a machine or person. Secondly, after harvesting, the sugar canes will be given a machine to grind, which creates juice.
In the second half of the process, we have needed many more modern machines. In the next steps, juice has been cleansed by limestone filter, which then sugarcane juice has concentrated by heating the juice to evaporate the water, only the precipitate remains inside. Before drying and cooling sugar, separate sugar crystals from syrup by centrifuge.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"The linear process consists of seven steps, which commences at the growth of sugar canes, through crushing; to evaporation; and finishes at drying and cooling." -> "The sequential process comprises seven stages, commencing with the growth of sugar canes, proceeding through crushing, evaporation, and culminating in drying and cooling."
Explanation: Replacing "linear" with "sequential" adds precision and sophistication to the description of the process. "Commences" is changed to "commencing" for grammatical accuracy, and the semicolons are replaced with commas for better flow.
"In the first half of the process, three first strides have used basic machines and simple technique." -> "During the initial phase of the process, the first three steps utilize basic machines and straightforward techniques."
Explanation: "Strides" is not the most appropriate term here; "steps" or "stages" is more suitable. "Technique" is singular in this context, so "techniques" should be used instead. Additionally, "have used" is changed to "utilize" for better conciseness.
"Firstly, sugar canes have been planted by farmers, and this progress has extended for 12-18 months, followed by cropping by two methods, which have a machine or person." -> "Initially, farmers plant sugar canes, a process that spans 12-18 months, followed by harvesting using either mechanical or manual methods."
Explanation: "Firstly" is replaced with "Initially" for variety. "Progress" is not the most fitting term here; "process" or "procedure" is more appropriate. "Which have" is changed to "using" for clarity and precision.
"In the second half of the process, we have needed many more modern machines." -> "During the latter stages of the process, a greater number of modern machines are required."
Explanation: The sentence is rephrased to improve clarity and avoid unnecessary repetition of "have needed." Using "latter stages" is more precise than "second half."
"In the next steps, juice has been cleansed by limestone filter, which then sugarcane juice has concentrated by heating the juice to evaporate the water, only the precipitate remains inside." -> "Subsequently, the juice is purified using a limestone filter, followed by concentration through heating to evaporate water, leaving behind the precipitate."
Explanation: The sentence is restructured for better flow and clarity. "Which then sugarcane juice has concentrated" is modified to "followed by concentration through heating" for smoother expression of the process.
"Before drying and cooling sugar, separate sugar crystals from syrup by centrifuge." -> "Prior to the drying and cooling stages, sugar crystals are separated from the syrup using a centrifuge."
Explanation: The sentence is rephrased for clarity and to maintain consistency in the use of verb tense and structure.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the manufacturing process of making sugar from sugar cane. It covers all the key steps in the process and provides a basic overview of each stage. The writer highlights the sequential nature of the process, starting from the growth of sugar canes to the final stages of drying and cooling. However, the description lacks depth and detail, and some information is presented vaguely or inaccurately. For instance, the explanation of the harvesting process and the use of modern machines could be clearer and more specific. Additionally, the connection between the steps could be better articulated for a more cohesive overview.

How to improve: To improve, provide more detailed descriptions of each step in the manufacturing process, including specific techniques and machinery used at each stage. Ensure clarity and accuracy in explaining the harvesting process and the role of modern machines. Additionally, aim for a more coherent and connected presentation of the steps to enhance the overall clarity and comprehension of the process.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay presents information about the manufacturing process of sugar from sugar cane, but it lacks overall progression. While the steps are mentioned, there is a lack of clear sequencing and connection between them, resulting in a somewhat disjointed presentation. Additionally, cohesive devices are inadequately used, leading to some confusion and repetition. Paragraphing is attempted, but it could be improved for better logical organization.

How to improve:

Organization: Ensure a clear and logical flow of information from one step to another. Use transitional phrases to connect ideas and create coherence.
Cohesion: Utilize cohesive devices more effectively to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Avoid repetitive phrases and vary sentence structures for better readability.
Paragraphing: Ensure each paragraph focuses on a central idea or step in the process. Use topic sentences to introduce the main point of each paragraph and maintain consistency in paragraph length.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay utilizes a somewhat limited range of vocabulary, with some repetition of basic terms such as "sugar cane," "process," "machine," and "sugar." While there are attempts to introduce some variety, such as "linear process" and "strides," it lacks the breadth and sophistication expected for higher bands. There are noticeable errors in word formation and spelling, such as "progress" instead of "process" and "sugarcane" instead of "sugar cane," which may cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To improve lexical resource, the essay should incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including more specific terms related to the sugar production process. Additionally, varying sentence structures and using synonyms for repetitive terms can enhance lexical diversity. Attention to word formation and spelling accuracy is crucial to avoid errors that could hinder comprehension.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use both simple and complex sentence forms. There is a mix of sentence structures, including compound and complex sentences, but there are also instances of simpler constructions. The essay exhibits some grammatical errors and punctuation issues throughout, such as missing articles ("the growth of sugar canes"), tense inconsistencies ("sugar canes will be given" should be "sugar canes are given"), and subject-verb agreement ("sugarcane juice has concentrated" should be "sugarcane juice is concentrated"). However, these errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and accuracy, focus on ensuring consistent and accurate use of verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and articles. Additionally, strive for greater clarity and precision in expression to minimize ambiguity and improve overall coherence. Reviewing sentence structures and practicing proofreading techniques can help in identifying and correcting errors more effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagram presents the process for manufacturing sugar from sugar cane, detailing a linear sequence of seven stages, beginning with the growth of sugar cane and concluding with drying and cooling.

The initial phase of the process comprises three steps, utilizing basic machinery and straightforward techniques. Initially, sugar canes are planted by farmers and grown over a period of 12-18 months. Following this, the canes are harvested using either manual labor or machinery. Subsequently, the harvested sugar canes are processed through a machine that grinds them to extract juice.

In the latter half of the process, more advanced machinery is employed. The extracted juice is first purified using a limestone filter. Following purification, the sugarcane juice is concentrated by heating to evaporate the water, leaving only the precipitate. Finally, the sugar is separated from the syrup using a centrifuge, before the drying and cooling stage prepares it for packaging.

This description outlines the complete journey of sugar cane from cultivation to the production of sugar, highlighting the use of both traditional and modern techniques in its processing.