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11. Some think most crime is the result of circumstances e.g. poverty and other social problems. Other believe that most crime is caused by people who are bad by nature. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

11. Some think most crime is the result of circumstances e.g. poverty and other social problems. Other believe that most crime is caused by people who are bad by nature. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

In recent years, the surge in crime rate has been receiving public attention. While I acknowledge the individual nature's relation to criminal behavior, I tend to believe that the influence of economic and social factors plays a more significant role in shaping criminal tendencies. In this essay, I will explore both perspectives and provide reasons to support my stance."

On the one hand, there are some compelling reasons for ever-increasing criminal activities as the pervasive economic hardship faced by many individuals. In fact, in light of the high cost of living standards and the increase in the unemployment rate, many citizens are not able to afford to live, which forces them to steal money or sell things to meet basic needs. This can be seen in developing countries, due to material hardship, criminality has increased over a period of time. Besides, social issues, such as racial discrimination and class distinction, contribute to the rise in the number of lawbreakers. As The World Social Order Police Department reports that the crime rate due to discrimination between rich and poor has increased in recent years.
On the other hand, it is undeniable that the surrounding environment and background have a significant influence on individuals' thoughts and behaviors of individuals. This is predicated that the lack of education from parents also plays a crucial role in shaping children's propensity for criminal behavior, which makes them not aware of values and discipline, resulting in children’s behavior being out of control. For example, if a child is raised in a high-quality environment and proper education is more likely to become a well-informed and responsible member of society. In contrast, it is predictable that a teenager growing up in a slum and playing with naughty friends will eventually commit offenses such as theft or robbery. After a long period of living in a negative background, they might mimic these bad behaviors and end up breaking the law.

In conclusion, not only do financial and social issues affect on the growth of the crime rate, but individuals’ backgrounds also contribute to crime behaviors. Hence, it is essential for governments to provide assistance to people in order to achieve a pristine society.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "While I acknowledge the individual nature’s relation to criminal behavior" -> "While I acknowledge the influence of individual characteristics on criminal behavior"
    Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat awkward and informal. Replacing it with "the influence of individual characteristics" maintains clarity and aligns with a more formal tone.

  2. "there are some compelling reasons for ever-increasing criminal activities as the pervasive economic hardship faced by many individuals" -> "there are compelling reasons for the escalating criminal activities, primarily attributed to pervasive economic hardship"
    Explanation: The original phrase is verbose and lacks precision. The suggested alternative streamlines the expression and uses more precise language to convey the idea of increasing criminal activities due to economic hardship.

  3. "many citizens are not able to afford to live" -> "many citizens struggle to meet their basic needs"
    Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat colloquial. The suggested alternative maintains clarity while adopting a more formal expression for the economic challenges faced by citizens.

  4. "This can be seen in developing countries, due to material hardship, criminality has increased over a period of time." -> "This phenomenon is evident in developing countries, where an increase in criminality can be attributed to material hardship over time."
    Explanation: The original sentence is fragmented and lacks proper structure. The suggested alternative provides a more coherent and structured expression of the idea.

  5. "As The World Social Order Police Department reports that the crime rate due to discrimination between rich and poor has increased in recent years." -> "The World Social Order Police Department reports an increase in the crime rate due to discrimination between the rich and poor in recent years."
    Explanation: The original sentence has an informal structure and lacks precision. The suggested alternative provides a more formal and clear presentation of the information.

  6. "it is undeniable that the surrounding environment and background have a significant influence on individuals’ thoughts and behaviors of individuals." -> "It is indisputable that the surrounding environment and background significantly influence the thoughts and behaviors of individuals."
    Explanation: The original sentence is repetitive and lacks precision. The suggested alternative eliminates redundancy and presents the idea more concisely and formally.

  7. "This is predicated that the lack of education from parents also plays a crucial role in shaping children’s propensity for criminal behavior" -> "This is based on the premise that the lack of parental education also plays a crucial role in shaping children’s propensity for criminal behavior."
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative provides a more precise and structured expression of the idea.

  8. "if a child is raised in a high-quality environment and proper education is more likely to become a well-informed and responsible member of society." -> "A child raised in a nurturing environment with proper education is more likely to become a well-informed and responsible member of society."
    Explanation: The original sentence is incomplete and informal. The suggested alternative completes the sentence and adopts a more formal tone.

  9. "In contrast, it is predictable that a teenager growing up in a slum and playing with naughty friends will eventually commit offenses such as theft or robbery." -> "Conversely, it is foreseeable that a teenager growing up in impoverished conditions and associating with delinquent peers may eventually engage in offenses such as theft or robbery."
    Explanation: The original sentence is somewhat informal, and the suggested alternative provides a more formal and precise expression of the idea.

  10. "After a long period of living in a negative background, they might mimic these bad behaviors and end up breaking the law." -> "Following an extended exposure to a negative environment, individuals may emulate such behaviors and eventually violate the law."
    Explanation: The original sentence is informal, and the suggested alternative offers a more formal and concise expression of the idea.

  11. "not only do financial and social issues affect on the growth of the crime rate" -> "financial and social issues not only impact the growth of the crime rate"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward. The suggested alternative restructures the sentence for clarity and formality.

  12. "Hence, it is essential for governments to provide assistance to people in order to achieve a pristine society." -> "Therefore, it is imperative for governments to offer assistance to citizens in order to foster a more orderly society."
    Explanation: The original sentence is somewhat casual. The suggested alternative maintains the meaning while adopting a more formal expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both perspectives of the prompt. It discusses the impact of economic and social factors on criminal behavior and acknowledges the influence of individuals’ backgrounds. Relevant examples, such as the link between poverty and crime or the role of parental education, support the analysis.
    • How to improve: While the essay does cover both views, enhancing the depth of analysis in each section by providing more nuanced examples and exploring counterarguments could further strengthen the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, favoring the idea that economic and social factors play a more significant role in shaping criminal tendencies. The thesis statement establishes this stance, and the subsequent paragraphs consistently support this viewpoint.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider explicitly restating the main position in the conclusion for emphasis.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly and supports them with relevant examples, such as the impact of economic hardship, racial discrimination, and the role of education. However, some examples could be more detailed, and additional supporting evidence would strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: Elaborate on examples by providing specific details, statistics, or real-life instances to make the arguments more compelling and persuasive.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the relationship between crime and both individual nature and societal circumstances. However, there are instances where the connection between ideas could be smoother, and a more structured progression would enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: Focus on maintaining a clear and logical flow between ideas. Use transition sentences to guide the reader from one point to the next, ensuring a seamless connection between paragraphs.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively presents a coherent argument. To improve, consider providing more detailed examples, reinforcing the main position in the conclusion, and refining the flow between ideas for a more polished and persuasive essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organization of information. It starts with a concise introduction that outlines the essay’s purpose and stance. Each paragraph follows a logical progression of ideas, first addressing economic factors, then social issues, and finally individual backgrounds. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the author’s opinion.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs. For instance, explicitly signaling the shift from economic factors to social issues can improve the overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further development and depth, especially in providing more examples and analysis.
    • How to improve: Expand on the supporting points within each paragraph to add depth and ensure a more comprehensive exploration of the topic.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases effectively to guide the reader through the argument. For example, phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" signal a shift between perspectives, enhancing clarity.
    • How to improve: While the essay generally employs cohesive devices well, consider introducing a wider range of linking words to create a more nuanced and sophisticated connection between ideas. This can elevate the overall coherence and cohesion.

In summary, the essay achieves a Band Score of 6 for Coherence and Cohesion. To improve further, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs, expanding on supporting points within paragraphs, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices for a more sophisticated connection between ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words, such as "acknowledge," "compelling reasons," "pervasive economic hardship," "racial discrimination," and "propensity." However, the diversity could be improved by incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic expressions. For instance, some phrases and words are repeated, like "criminal behavior" and "background."
    • How to improve: To enhance the score in this aspect, strive for more nuanced vocabulary. Explore synonyms and employ a wider range of academic and formal language. Additionally, work on incorporating idiomatic expressions and collocations where appropriate. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "criminal behavior," consider alternatives like "deviant conduct" or "antisocial tendencies."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary adequately, but there are instances where word choices are imprecise or repetitive. For example, the term "individual nature" is somewhat vague, and the repeated use of phrases like "high-quality environment" and "proper education" lacks specificity.
    • How to improve: Focus on precision in vocabulary by choosing terms that precisely convey your intended meaning. Avoid generic or ambiguous phrases. For instance, instead of "individual nature," consider specifying the inherent traits or characteristics that contribute to criminal behavior. Likewise, replace repetitive expressions with more specific language, such as "nurturing surroundings" or "comprehensive educational upbringing."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors and typos that impact the overall coherence and professionalism. Examples include "nature’s" instead of "nature," "predicated" instead of "predicated on," and "influence on" instead of "influence of."
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread your work meticulously. Utilize spell-check tools and take the time to review each sentence for potential errors. Consider reading the essay aloud, as this can help identify spelling mistakes and improve overall coherence. Additionally, pay attention to homophones (words that sound the same but have different meanings and spellings) to avoid common errors.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, improvements in range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to an enhanced Band Score for Lexical Resource. Focus on refining your language choices and ensure meticulous proofreading to elevate the overall quality of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. While there’s an attempt to incorporate complex structures, the execution could be improved. For instance, there are instances of sentence complexity, such as "On the one hand… In fact, in light of…" However, the essay lacks consistent use of complex sentence structures or sophisticated connectors.
    • How to improve: To enhance sentence variety, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures like relative clauses, conditional sentences, or inversion. For instance, instead of basic cause-effect sentences, try introducing subordinate clauses to add depth and complexity to your arguments.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of grammatical errors throughout the essay, including subject-verb agreement ("…environment and background have a significant influence"), tense consistency ("This is predicated that the lack of education from parents also plays…"), and awkward phrasing ("…financial and social issues affect on the growth of the crime rate…"). These errors occasionally impede the clarity and precision of the ideas presented.
    • How to improve: To address these issues, focus on reviewing grammar rules related to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and sentence structure. Proofreading your work thoroughly and practicing sentence construction in different contexts can help improve grammatical accuracy.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally adequate but inconsistent. There are instances of missing commas where they could enhance clarity ("In fact, in light of the high cost of living standards…") and incorrect usage ("Besides, social issues, such as racial discrimination…"). However, there’s an attempt to utilize punctuation marks for separation and emphasis.
    • How to improve: Work on mastering comma usage for introductory phrases and clauses, as well as in separating items in a list. Also, revise the usage of punctuation marks like commas and semicolons to ensure they contribute to the coherence and precision of your ideas without causing confusion.

Improving your essay’s grammatical accuracy and structural variety will elevate the overall quality of your writing, making your arguments more persuasive and coherent. Practicing diverse sentence structures and meticulous proofreading can significantly enhance your language proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, the surge in the crime rate has garnered public attention. While I acknowledge the influence of individual characteristics on criminal behavior, I tend to believe that the impact of economic and social factors plays a more significant role in shaping criminal tendencies. In this essay, I will explore both perspectives and provide reasons to support my stance.

On the one hand, there are compelling reasons for the ever-increasing criminal activities, primarily attributed to pervasive economic hardship faced by many individuals. Indeed, given the high cost of living standards and the increase in the unemployment rate, many citizens struggle to afford a decent life, leading them to resort to theft or selling items to meet basic needs. This phenomenon is evident in developing countries, where an increase in criminality can be attributed to material hardship over time. Additionally, social issues such as racial discrimination and class distinction contribute to the rise in the number of lawbreakers. The World Social Order Police Department reports an increase in the crime rate due to discrimination between the rich and poor in recent years.

On the other hand, it is indisputable that the surrounding environment and background significantly influence the thoughts and behaviors of individuals. This is based on the premise that the lack of parental education also plays a crucial role in shaping children’s propensity for criminal behavior. A child raised in a nurturing environment with proper education is more likely to become a well-informed and responsible member of society. Conversely, it is foreseeable that a teenager growing up in impoverished conditions and associating with delinquent peers may eventually engage in offenses such as theft or robbery. Following an extended exposure to a negative environment, individuals may emulate such behaviors and eventually violate the law.

In conclusion, not only do financial and social issues impact the growth of the crime rate, but individuals’ backgrounds also contribute to criminal behaviors. Therefore, it is imperative for governments to offer assistance to citizens in order to foster a more orderly society.

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