3. When a country is already rich, any additional increase in economic wealth does not make its citizens happier. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (Society)
Initially, the rise in the economy in a wealthy country implies that its government can allocate additional resources to improve the contentment of its people. It is clear that increasing funds to invest in high quality education and healthcare can contribute significantly to the overall well-being of citizens. Provided that growing taxes on wealth could be used to promote healthcare and education for all reagardless of their income. To illustrate, free education and increasing investment in education not only offer individuals from disadvantaged backgrounds an opportunity to acquire knowledge but are also easily accessible to modern facilities in schools and highly qualified teachers. As a result, this opens the door to thrive in a majority of residents’ future and fulfilling their desires which fosters a sense of happiness among them. Meanwhile, because of the gradually growing economy, the authorities can spend more money on researching and testing new medicines and treatments. Consequently, can strengthen the overall health of dwellers, not to mention saving a vast of lives.
Thus, additional economic growth could be utilized in extra money to develop the education system and further study in order to enhance the overall well-being of people. However, I partly agree that the growth in the economy in an affluent nation can not elevate the happiness of its residents. To begin with, the distribution of wealth is more unlikely equal for every citizen. It can be seen that some rich individuals get wealthier whereas the poor keep worsening. For instance, the US, which is one of the most wealthy countries in the world, has an expanding gap between the rich and the poor even though it has rapid economic development. While some individuals have no financial worry, those who are at the bottom of the income distribution are more likely under pressure of living expenses and depending on social security when they retire. Eventually, the exacerbation of income inequality in America can create a sense of relentlessness among the underprivileged. Furthermore, happiness varies from person to person. While people living in poverty often define happiness as connected to money and those who are sick define it as relating to health, strong family ties are considered a prerequisite to exhilaration rather than enhancing wealth.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"rise in the economy" -> "economic growth"
Explanation: Replacing "rise in the economy" with "economic growth" is more precise and aligns with formal language conventions.
"contentment" -> "well-being"
Explanation: Substituting "contentment" with "well-being" enhances the formality of the expression and maintains a more academic tone.
"Provided that" -> "Moreover"
Explanation: Replacing "Provided that" with "Moreover" improves the transition between ideas and contributes to a smoother flow in the text.
"reagardless" -> "regardless"
Explanation: Correcting the misspelling to "regardless" ensures accuracy and maintains a formal tone.
"thrive" -> "prosper"
Explanation: Replacing "thrive" with "prosper" adds a more sophisticated touch to the language without sacrificing clarity.
"fulfilling their desires which fosters" -> "fulfilling their aspirations, fostering"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for better clarity and replacing "desires" with "aspirations" contributes to a more formal expression.
"Meanwhile, because of the gradually growing economy" -> "Simultaneously, due to the gradual economic growth"
Explanation: Providing a more formal transition with "Simultaneously" and restructuring the sentence for clarity enhance the overall academic tone.
"strengthen the overall health of dwellers" -> "enhance the overall health of the population"
Explanation: Substituting "strengthen" with "enhance" and replacing "dwellers" with "population" improves precision and formality.
"can not" -> "cannot"
Explanation: Correcting "can not" to "cannot" adheres to proper grammar and maintains a formal style.
"I partly agree that" -> "While I acknowledge that"
Explanation: Substituting "I partly agree that" with "While I acknowledge that" provides a more nuanced and formal expression of agreement.
"unlikely equal" -> "unlikely to be equal"
Explanation: Adjusting "unlikely equal" to "unlikely to be equal" improves grammatical accuracy and maintains formality.
"exacerbation of income inequality" -> "aggravation of income inequality"
Explanation: Substituting "exacerbation" with "aggravation" contributes to a more advanced and formal vocabulary choice.
"create a sense of relentlessness" -> "generate a sense of despair"
Explanation: Replacing "create a sense of relentlessness" with "generate a sense of despair" offers a more nuanced and formal expression of the impact of income inequality.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Quoted text: "Thus, additional economic growth could be utilized in extra money to develop the education system and further study in order to enhance the overall well-being of people."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The statement addresses the potential use of increased wealth to bolster education and research, contributing to the populace’s well-being. However, it lacks specific examples or nuances regarding how this investment might precisely impact the citizens’ happiness. Consider elaborating on particular educational or research initiatives that could directly influence happiness, such as innovative teaching methodologies or breakthrough medical treatments. Providing concrete instances will strengthen the argument’s credibility and coherence.
- Improved example: "Hence, a surge in economic prosperity could be allocated to revolutionize the education system by introducing comprehensive vocational training programs and career counseling services. For instance, offering specialized courses aligned with current industry demands or supporting entrepreneurial ventures through educational grants could empower individuals, boosting their job satisfaction and, consequently, overall happiness."
Quoted text: "However, I partly agree that the growth in the economy in an affluent nation cannot elevate the happiness of its residents."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While acknowledging the limitations of economic growth in enhancing happiness is commendable, the reasoning behind this assertion could be strengthened. Expand on why economic growth alone might not directly translate to increased happiness. Consider delving into the psychological aspects or diverse definitions of happiness, emphasizing that it’s not solely reliant on financial prosperity. This would add depth to the argument and further justify the stance taken.
- Improved example: "However, my partial agreement stems from the realization that happiness is a multifaceted concept, extending beyond financial affluence. Happiness often intertwines with intangible factors like mental health, social connections, and personal fulfillment. For instance, studies show that personal relationships and a sense of purpose contribute significantly to an individual’s well-being, sometimes overshadowing the influence of economic prosperity."
Overall, the essay effectively addresses the relationship between economic growth and citizens’ happiness. However, to bolster the argument’s strength, integrating more detailed examples and expanding on the complexities of happiness beyond economic factors would enhance the overall response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas with clear progression throughout. The introduction sets the stage by highlighting the potential positive impact of economic growth on citizens’ well-being. The body paragraphs effectively present arguments supporting the idea that economic wealth can contribute to happiness, focusing on investments in education and healthcare. Additionally, there is an acknowledgment of the counterargument, discussing income inequality and diverse perceptions of happiness.
The use of cohesive devices is generally appropriate, contributing to the overall coherence. Transitional phrases like "To illustrate," and "Meanwhile," help guide the reader through the essay’s flow. The paragraphing is clear, with distinct central topics within each paragraph. The essay maintains a balance between presenting arguments and counterarguments, contributing to its overall coherence.
How to improve:
While the essay is well-organized, there is room for improvement in the use of cohesive devices. Some sentences could benefit from more explicit connections to enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, further attention to sentence structure and clarity would enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Avoiding repetitive phrases, such as "enhance the overall well-being," could contribute to a more sophisticated expression of ideas. Overall, refining the use of cohesive devices and sentence structure would elevate the essay’s coherence to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision. The use of less common lexical items shows an awareness of style and collocation. While there are occasional errors in word choice and word formation, they do not significantly impede communication. The essay effectively conveys ideas with a mix of common and uncommon vocabulary.
How to improve:
- Word Choice Precision: Ensure that less common vocabulary is used accurately to convey precise meanings. Review and refine word choices to minimize occasional inaccuracies.
- Sentence Structure: Consider incorporating more complex sentence structures to further showcase flexibility in language use.
- Proofreading: Carefully proofread the essay to eliminate occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation. This will enhance overall clarity and fluency.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence structures, including complex ones, contributing to a band score of 7. The majority of sentences are error-free, showcasing good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few errors that slightly affect the overall accuracy. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the impact of economic growth on citizens’ happiness and presents a well-organized argument with supporting examples.
How to improve: To elevate the score to Band 8, the writer should focus on eliminating the occasional errors present in the essay. A more careful proofreading to catch and correct minor mistakes in grammar and punctuation will enhance the overall accuracy. Additionally, while the essay has a good range of structures, ensuring even greater flexibility in sentence formation would contribute to a more polished piece.
Bài sửa mẫu
Initially, the surge in economic growth within a prosperous nation signifies that its government can allocate additional resources to enhance the well-being of its citizens. It is evident that channeling increased funds into top-tier education and healthcare can significantly contribute to the overall satisfaction of the populace. Given that imposing higher taxes on wealth could be utilized to advance healthcare and education for all, regardless of their income. To illustrate, providing free education and escalating investments in educational infrastructure not only offer individuals from disadvantaged backgrounds an opportunity to acquire knowledge but also ensure easy access to modern facilities in schools and highly qualified teachers. Consequently, this opens the door for the majority of residents to thrive in the future, fulfilling their aspirations and fostering a sense of happiness among them. Simultaneously, due to the gradual economic growth, authorities can allocate more funds to research and test new medicines and treatments, thereby enhancing the overall health of the population and saving countless lives.
Thus, additional economic growth could be harnessed to allocate extra funds to develop the education system and promote further research, aiming to enhance the overall well-being of the people. However, I acknowledge that the growth in the economy of an affluent nation may not necessarily elevate the happiness of its residents. To begin with, the distribution of wealth is unlikely to be equal for every citizen. It is evident that some affluent individuals become wealthier, while the situation worsens for the poor. For instance, the United States, one of the wealthiest countries globally, experiences an expanding gap between the rich and the poor, despite rapid economic development. While some individuals face no financial worries, those at the bottom of the income distribution are more likely to experience pressure due to living expenses and dependence on social security in retirement. Consequently, the aggravation of income inequality in America can generate a sense of despair among the underprivileged.
Furthermore, happiness varies from person to person. While people living in poverty often associate happiness with financial well-being, and those who are unwell connect it with health, strong family ties are considered a prerequisite for exhilaration, rather than merely accumulating wealth. While I acknowledge that additional economic growth can contribute to the overall well-being of citizens, the disparities in wealth distribution and the subjective nature of happiness suggest that economic prosperity alone may not guarantee increased happiness for all.