4,The graph below shows the number of boys and girls playing sports in an English town in 2012.
4,The graph below shows the number of boys and girls playing sports in an English town in 2012.
The bar chart illustrates how many women and men participated in athletic activities in an English city in 2012.
Overall, football, tennis,and cycling are more favored by boys,while the opposite is true for badminton and swimming.Despite this, hockey was the least common sport preferred by both genders.
Football was the most popular sport among the boys with 60 of them participating,whereas only roughly 20 girls played it.Similarly,but to greater extent were seen in tennis and cycling: around 50 boys versus 30 girls engaging in tennis, and 38 boys versus 20 girls cycling.Although hockey is less dominant by both genders, the boys still showed greater participation the the girls.Approximately 15 boys took part in it compared with 9 girls.
Swimming and badminton were the most and second most popular sports among the girls respectively, with 50 and 40 of them playing.In comparison, the numbers of boys who took part in these two sports were around 20 and 30.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"The bar chart illustrates how many women and men participated" -> "The bar chart depicts the number of women and men participating"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise verb for describing visual representations, and "the number of" is more formal and appropriate than "how many" in academic writing. -
"in an English city" -> "in an English-speaking city"
Explanation: Adding "speaking" clarifies that the city is in England where English is the primary language spoken, enhancing specificity. -
"football, tennis,and cycling" -> "football, tennis, and cycling"
Explanation: Corrects the punctuation to maintain proper spacing and formality. -
"more favored by boys" -> "more popular among boys"
Explanation: "More popular" is a more precise and formal term than "more favored," which can be vague and less commonly used in academic contexts. -
"the opposite is true for" -> "the reverse is true for"
Explanation: "The reverse is true for" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "the opposite is true for." -
"Despite this, hockey was the least common sport preferred by both genders." -> "Conversely, hockey was the least preferred sport among both genders."
Explanation: "Conversely" is a more formal transitional word than "Despite this," and "least preferred" is more precise than "least common sport preferred." -
"whereas only roughly 20 girls played it" -> "whereas approximately 20 girls participated"
Explanation: "Approximately" is a more precise and formal quantifier than "roughly," and "participated" is more specific than "played it." -
"but to greater extent were seen in tennis and cycling" -> "but to a greater extent were seen in tennis and cycling"
Explanation: Adding "a" before "greater extent" corrects the grammatical structure and maintains the formal tone. -
"the boys still showed greater participation the the girls" -> "the boys still demonstrated greater participation than the girls"
Explanation: "Demonstrated" is more formal than "showed," and "than" corrects the grammatical error in "the the." -
"Approximately 15 boys took part in it compared with 9 girls" -> "Approximately 15 boys participated compared to 9 girls"
Explanation: "Participated" is more specific than "took part in it," and "compared to" is grammatically correct compared to "compared with." -
"the most and second most popular sports" -> "the most and second most popular sports"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error by adding "sports" to maintain parallel structure. -
"with 50 and 40 of them playing" -> "with 50 and 40 of them participating"
Explanation: "Participating" is more specific and appropriate in this context than "playing," which is less formal and less precise. -
"the numbers of boys who took part in these two sports" -> "the numbers of boys participating in these sports"
Explanation: "Participating" is more concise and formal than "took part in," and removing "these two" simplifies the sentence structure.
Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7
Explanation: The essay covers all the requirements of the task and presents a clear overview of the main trends. The essay clearly presents and highlights key features/bullet points, but could be more fully extended. For example, the essay could have provided more specific details about the differences in participation rates between boys and girls for each sport.
How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the differences in participation rates between boys and girls for each sport. For example, the essay could state that "football was the most popular sport among boys, with 60 boys participating, while only 20 girls played football." This would provide a more detailed and accurate overview of the data. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "the opposite is true for badminton and swimming," the essay could say "badminton and swimming were more popular among girls than boys." This would make the essay more concise and easier to understand.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare the participation rates of boys and girls in various sports, the transitions between ideas are not always smooth, leading to a somewhat disjointed reading experience. The use of cohesive devices is present but often inadequate or repetitive, which detracts from the clarity of the comparisons being made. Additionally, the paragraphing is inconsistent, with some ideas not clearly separated into distinct paragraphs, which can confuse the reader.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of ideas. This can be achieved by using more varied and appropriate cohesive devices to connect sentences and paragraphs. Clearly defining each paragraph’s central topic and ensuring that related ideas are grouped together will also help. Furthermore, ensuring that transitions between different sections of the essay are smooth and logical will contribute to a more cohesive overall structure.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with some attempts to use less common terms such as "participated," "favored," and "dominant." However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the opposite is true for badminton and swimming," which could be more clearly articulated. Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "the the girls," which detracts from the overall clarity. While the vocabulary used allows for basic communication of the data presented, it lacks the sophistication and precision required for a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary and ensuring precise word choice. Incorporating more varied expressions and synonyms can help convey the information more effectively. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors would improve clarity and coherence. Engaging with more complex sentence structures and less common lexical items would also contribute to a stronger performance in this criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of Band 6. While it communicates the main ideas effectively, there are noticeable grammatical errors and issues with punctuation that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the the girls" and "to greater extent were seen in" indicate a lack of accuracy. Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent, which affects the flow of the text. Overall, the essay shows an understanding of the task but lacks the level of grammatical control expected in higher bands.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following:
- Proofreading: Carefully check for typographical errors and grammatical mistakes before submission.
- Variety in Sentence Structures: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically accurate.
- Punctuation: Pay closer attention to punctuation rules, particularly with commas and conjunctions, to improve the clarity and flow of the writing.
- Practice: Regularly practice writing essays and seek feedback to identify and correct recurring grammatical issues.
Bài sửa mẫu
The bar chart illustrates how many boys and girls participated in athletic activities in an English town in 2012. Overall, football, tennis, and cycling were more favored by boys, while the opposite was true for badminton and swimming. Despite this, hockey was the least common sport preferred by both genders.
Football was the most popular sport among the boys, with 60 of them participating, whereas only roughly 20 girls played it. Similarly, but to a greater extent, were the figures seen in tennis and cycling: around 50 boys versus 30 girls engaging in tennis, and 38 boys versus 20 girls cycling. Although hockey was less popular among both genders, the boys still showed greater participation than the girls, with approximately 15 boys taking part compared to 9 girls.
Swimming and badminton were the most and second most popular sports among the girls, respectively, with 50 and 40 of them playing. In comparison, the numbers of boys who took part in these two sports were around 20 and 30.
Phản hồi