It is not necessary for people to travel to other places to learn about the culture. We can learn as much as from books, films, and the Internet. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In today fast-paced society, some people think travelling directly to other destinations is not a necessary way to explore about culture. Instead, we can learn through social media and books. I disagree with this opinion to some extent, which will be discussed in this essay.

In the one hand, travelling in person to the tourist destination to learn about culture has some significant benefits. Firstly, the major reason that agree is that direct journey brings a better experience than watching through a screen. To illustrate, people can learn about culture by asking local people, participating in festival and hearing the tour guide; it would be a memorable moment and an effective way to reduce stress. Secondly, it is very important to travel directly because tourist can support the development of local economy in order to preserve and upgrade the cultural destinations. In general, taking a trip to learn about culture can brings an amazing experience and contribute to the development of local tourism.

In the other hand, learning about culture though books or various types of media has some drawbacks. Initially, people cannot guarantee the source of information while exploring culture through internet. In fact, some websites provide unauthentic knowledge in order that they can steal personal information of internet user. Moreover, spending too much screen time can cause some health sufferings such as visual discomfort and backache. Generally, by learning about culture in books or internet, people can face to inaccurate information and health problems while watching through screen too much.

In conclusion, I totally believe that realistic journey will be beneficial because these can create an exciting experience and help preserving the cultural values. Therefore, schools or universities should add more extra curicullums in cultural destinations so as to help students easy to memorize the lessons.

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Errors and Improvements:

"In today fast-paced society" -> "In today’s fast-paced society"
Explanation: Adding the possessive form "today’s" corrects the grammatical error and maintains formal tone.
"travelling directly to other destinations is not a necessary way to explore about culture" -> "travelling directly to other destinations is not essential for exploring culture"
Explanation: Removing "a necessary way to" and "about" simplifies the sentence structure and removes redundancy, making the statement more concise and academically appropriate.
"Instead, we can learn through social media and books." -> "Alternatively, cultural knowledge can be acquired through social media and literature."
Explanation: Replacing "we can learn" with "cultural knowledge can be acquired" shifts the focus from the personal to the objective, enhancing formality. Also, "literature" is a more precise term than "books" in an academic context.
"I disagree with this opinion to some extent, which will be discussed in this essay." -> "This essay will partially contest this viewpoint."
Explanation: The revised sentence is more concise and maintains an academic tone by avoiding the first person "I" and using "contest" as a more formal verb.
"In the one hand" -> "On the one hand"
Explanation: Correcting the phrase to "On the one hand" fixes the idiomatic error, aligning with the formal academic style.
"the major reason that agree" -> "the primary reason for my agreement"
Explanation: Replacing "the major reason that agree" with "the primary reason for my agreement" corrects grammatical coherence and avoids the first person, enhancing formality.
"brings a better experience than watching through a screen" -> "offers a more enriching experience than observing through a screen"
Explanation: "Offers" and "more enriching experience" provide a more precise and formal alternative to "brings a better experience," improving academic tone.
"asking local people, participating in festival and hearing the tour guide" -> "interacting with local residents, participating in festivals, and listening to tour guides"
Explanation: This revision clarifies actions and pluralizes "festival" for grammatical accuracy, enhancing the formal tone.
"it is very important to travel directly because tourist can support" -> "direct travel is crucial as it enables tourists to support"
Explanation: This revision avoids the informal structure and shifts to a more passive construction, which is preferred in academic writing.
"In the other hand" -> "On the other hand"
Explanation: Correcting the phrase to "On the other hand" fixes the idiomatic error, aligning with the formal academic style.
"learning about culture though books or various types of media has some drawbacks" -> "acquiring cultural knowledge through literature or diverse media forms presents certain limitations"
Explanation: The revision employs more formal vocabulary and structures, enhancing the academic tone.
"people cannot guarantee the source of information while exploring culture through internet" -> "the reliability of information sources cannot be guaranteed when exploring culture via the internet"
Explanation: This revision shifts from an active to a passive voice, removing the informal reference to "people" and improving formality.
"some health sufferings such as visual discomfort and backache" -> "some health issues, including visual discomfort and back pain"
Explanation: "Health issues" is a more formal term than "health sufferings," and "back pain" is more commonly used than "backache" in academic writing.
"I totally believe that realistic journey will be beneficial" -> "It is firmly believed that authentic travel experiences will be advantageous"
Explanation: Replacing "I totally believe" with "It is firmly believed" shifts from the first person to an impersonal construction, enhancing the formality. "Authentic travel experiences" is also more precise than "realistic journey."
"extra curicullums" -> "extracurricular activities"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling to "extracurricular activities" fixes the typographical error and uses the correct academic term.
"so as to help students easy to memorize the lessons" -> "thereby facilitating easier memorization of lessons for students"
Explanation: This revision corrects the awkward and incorrect structure, replacing it with a more formal and coherent expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument, acknowledging the benefits of traveling to learn about culture while also discussing the merits of learning through books, films, and the Internet. However, the response lacks depth in discussing the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the prompt, as it only briefly mentions disagreement "to some extent" without elaborating on the degree of disagreement.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure a clear and thorough exploration of both perspectives presented in the prompt. Provide specific examples and arguments to support the stated position, and explicitly state the extent of agreement or disagreement.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position throughout, indicating disagreement with the idea that traveling is unnecessary to learn about culture. However, the clarity could be improved by refining the thesis statement to clearly state the writer’s stance and by consistently reinforcing this position throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Strengthen the introductory paragraph by clearly stating the writer’s position on the prompt. Additionally, maintain consistency in supporting and reinforcing this stance throughout the body paragraphs, ensuring that each argument directly relates to the stated position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and development in supporting them. While some examples are provided, they are somewhat vague and could be further elaborated to strengthen the argumentation. Additionally, there is limited extension of ideas beyond surface-level observations.
- How to improve: To enhance idea presentation, provide more specific and detailed examples to support each point. Extend the analysis by delving deeper into the implications of the arguments presented and provide additional evidence or reasoning to bolster the claims made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by addressing the relevance of traveling versus learning through other means to understand culture. However, there are instances where the discussion veers slightly off topic, such as when mentioning concerns about the authenticity of online information and the health effects of excessive screen time.
- How to improve: Maintain a tighter focus on the central theme of the prompt throughout the essay. Avoid introducing tangential issues that distract from the main argument, and ensure that all points directly contribute to addressing the prompt’s key concerns.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable understanding of the prompt and presents relevant arguments, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, clarity of position, development of ideas, and adherence to the topic. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of organization but lacks consistency and clarity in presenting ideas. While there is an attempt to follow a structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, the development of ideas within each paragraph is somewhat disjointed. For instance, the essay transitions abruptly between discussing the benefits of traveling and the drawbacks of learning culture through books and media without establishing a clear connection between them. Additionally, the conclusion seems rushed and does not effectively summarize the main points discussed in the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical organization of the essay, it’s crucial to establish a clear and coherent structure. Begin by outlining the main points to be addressed in each paragraph and ensure smooth transitions between them. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of the argument, with supporting evidence and examples provided to bolster the points made. Additionally, the conclusion should succinctly recap the key arguments presented in the body paragraphs, reinforcing the writer’s stance on the topic.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs to structure the ideas, but the effectiveness is limited. Paragraphs are inconsistently developed, with some containing multiple ideas that could be better separated for clarity. For example, the second paragraph discusses both the benefits of traveling and the importance of supporting local economies, which could be presented as distinct points in separate paragraphs. Furthermore, there is a lack of coherence within paragraphs, as ideas are sometimes introduced without sufficient elaboration or connection to the main argument.
- How to improve: Improve paragraphing by ensuring that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea or argument. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the central point, followed by supporting details and examples to develop the idea. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to improve readability and coherence. Additionally, use transition words and phrases to connect ideas within paragraphs and maintain a smooth flow of thought throughout the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay makes an attempt to use cohesive devices to connect ideas and improve coherence, but there is limited variety and effectiveness in their usage. Transition words and phrases are sparingly employed, resulting in a choppy flow between sentences and paragraphs. For instance, transitions like "In conclusion" and "Moreover" are used, but they are not consistently applied to guide the reader through the essay’s structure. Furthermore, there is a lack of cohesive ties within sentences, leading to disjointed progression of ideas.
- How to improve: Enhance the use of cohesive devices to create a smoother and more cohesive flow of ideas throughout the essay. Incorporate a wider range of transition words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "However," "On the other hand," "In addition," etc., to signal relationships between ideas and improve the logical progression of arguments. Additionally, use pronouns, conjunctions, and other cohesive devices within sentences to establish clear connections between clauses and ensure coherence at the micro-level of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, but some words are repeated or used imprecisely ("In today fast-paced society," "On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"). Examples like "festivals," "authentic," and "unauthentic" show some range, but more variety and sophistication in word choice would enhance the essay.
- How to improve: To improve, try using a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely and vividly. Instead of using general terms like "fast-paced society," consider more specific descriptions or examples. Also, avoid repeating phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" to enhance coherence and sophistication.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: Some vocabulary is used imprecisely, leading to unclear or awkward sentences. For example, "learning through social media and books" could be more precise. Additionally, "tourist can support the development of local economy" might be clearer as "tourists can contribute to the local economy."
- How to improve: Work on using vocabulary more precisely. Choose words that accurately convey your intended meaning. Consider rephrasing sentences to avoid ambiguity or awkward phrasing. For example, instead of "tourist can support," you might write "tourists can contribute to."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: There are several spelling errors in the essay, such as "curicullums" (curriculums), "unauthentic" (inauthentic), and "sufferings" (suffering). These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider using spell checkers and proofreading your work carefully. You can also practice spelling words that commonly cause errors for you. Additionally, familiarize yourself with common spelling rules and patterns in English to avoid mistakes in the future.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of structures. The essay tends to rely heavily on simple sentences, which can make the writing seem repetitive and less engaging. For instance, the use of introductory adverbial phrases and clauses can add complexity and variety to the sentences. Additionally, employing more complex sentence structures such as compound-complex sentences can enhance the coherence and sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer can incorporate a wider variety of sentence types. This includes using complex sentences with subordinate clauses to provide additional information and varying the length and structure of sentences for stylistic diversity. Moreover, employing rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion can further enrich the writing style and engage the reader.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay demonstrates a basic grasp of grammar and punctuation, there are several instances of errors throughout the text. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("In today fast-paced society"), incorrect word choices ("In the one hand"), and sentence structure ("the major reason that agree"). Punctuation errors are also present, such as missing commas in compound sentences and inconsistent capitalization ("tourist" instead of "tourists"). Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing that affect clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on reviewing and revising sentence structures for clarity and correctness. Proofreading for subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and word choice is essential. Furthermore, paying attention to punctuation rules, including comma usage in compound sentences and proper capitalization, can enhance the readability of the essay. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools can help identify and correct errors more effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s fast-paced society, there is a notion that traveling directly to different places is not necessary to explore cultures. Instead, it’s argued that we can acquire cultural knowledge through social media and literature. However, I partially disagree with this viewpoint, as I believe that while alternative methods offer insights, firsthand experiences are invaluable.

On one hand, visiting cultural destinations provides significant advantages. Firstly, the main reason I support this perspective is that direct travel offers a more enriching experience compared to observing through a screen. For instance, interacting with local residents, participating in festivals, and listening to tour guides not only educate but also create lasting memories, reducing stress effectively. Secondly, direct travel is crucial as it enables tourists to support the local economy, thereby aiding in the preservation and enhancement of cultural destinations. Overall, traveling to learn about culture not only provides an amazing experience but also contributes to the development of local tourism.

On the other hand, acquiring cultural knowledge through literature or various media forms presents certain limitations. Primarily, the reliability of information sources cannot be guaranteed when exploring culture via the internet. Some websites may provide inaccurate information or even compromise users’ personal data. Moreover, excessive screen time can lead to health issues such as visual discomfort and back pain. Hence, relying solely on books or the internet for cultural insights may result in encountering misinformation and health problems.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that authentic travel experiences offer unique advantages as they create exciting memories and aid in preserving cultural values. Therefore, it is important for educational institutions to incorporate more extracurricular activities focused on cultural destinations, which can facilitate easier memorization of lessons for students while broadening their understanding of different cultures.