The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? d

The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
d

Over such a higher and higher concern on science, one of the heated issues is that the primary purpose in science research plays a crucial role in promoting human living. In my opinion, I totally agree with this view point and this essay will shed the light on the issue

On the one hand, science has profound impacts on people's healthcare. Due to the scientific breakthrough in finding new life-saving treatments and vaccines, it is possible for people to prolong life and enhance health condition. For example, the appearance of vaccine COVID 19 can help people to prevent viruses from entering the body. Moreover, doctors and scientists should find efficient solutions to fight for cancer and cure terminal illness, which can improve survival rate and save million individuals. Although there are various diseases which have not found the medicine yet, I believed that the combination between science and meditation can accomplish the achievement in this sector

On the other hand, there is a difficult part for the science sector is to address population bomb by finding new places to live, especially outer space. Thanks to the advancement of the rocket engineering system, some companies such as SPACEX and NASA invest a lot of time and effort to explore life resources in other lands. Through the idea of carrying humanity to other planets, this can take us one step closer to our goal as well as direct people to the new human civilization.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that the science field plays an essential role in order to enhance individual’s health and improve living standards.

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Errors and Improvements:

"Over such a higher and higher concern on" -> "Given the increasing concern regarding"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and repetitive. The suggested replacement is more concise and formal, improving the flow of the introduction.
"heated issues" -> "contentious issues"
Explanation: "Heated" is somewhat informal and might imply emotional involvement, whereas "contentious" maintains neutrality and formality, fitting the academic style better.
"view point" -> "viewpoint"
Explanation: "Viewpoint" is the correct spelling, enhancing the professionalism of the text.
"shed the light on" -> "elucidate"
Explanation: "Shed the light on" is an idiom and less formal. "Elucidate" is academically appropriate and maintains the formal tone.
"profound impacts" -> "significant impacts"
Explanation: While "profound" is not incorrect, "significant" is more commonly used in academic texts to describe impacts or effects.
"health condition" -> "health conditions"
Explanation: The plural form "conditions" is more accurate in this context, as it refers to health in general, encompassing various states and diseases.
"vaccine COVID 19" -> "the COVID-19 vaccine"
Explanation: The correct and formal way to refer to the vaccine is with the definite article "the" and the hyphenated "COVID-19."
"fight for cancer" -> "combat cancer"
Explanation: "Fight for" is less precise and somewhat informal. "Combat" is a more appropriate verb for the context of addressing diseases in an academic essay.
"save million individuals" -> "save millions of individuals"
Explanation: The phrase needs to be quantified correctly and include "of" for grammatical accuracy and formality.
"have not found the medicine yet" -> "for which treatments have not yet been discovered"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and informal. The suggested replacement is more precise and adopts a passive structure, which is common in formal writing.
"the combination between" -> "the combination of"
Explanation: "Combination of" is the correct prepositional phrase, enhancing the grammatical correctness of the sentence.
"meditation" -> "medical research"
Explanation: In this context, "meditation" is likely a misusage. "Medical research" is more accurate and relevant to the discussion of scientific advancements in healthcare.
"difficult part for the science sector" -> "challenge for the scientific community"
Explanation: "Difficult part for the science sector" is informal and vague. "Challenge for the scientific community" is more specific and formal.
"population bomb" -> "population growth"
Explanation: "Population bomb" is an idiomatic and somewhat sensational term. "Population growth" is neutral and academically appropriate.
"new places to live, especially outer space" -> "alternative habitats, particularly extraterrestrial environments"
Explanation: The original phrase is too casual and lacks precision. The suggested replacement is more formal and specific.
"some companies such as SPACEX and NASA" -> "organizations including SpaceX and NASA"
Explanation: Using "organizations" is more formal, and proper nouns like "SpaceX" and "NASA" should be correctly capitalized to maintain professionalism.
"invest a lot of time and effort" -> "devote substantial time and effort"
Explanation: "Invest a lot of time and effort" is colloquial. "Devote substantial time and effort" is more formal and fitting for an academic essay.
"take us one step closer to our goal" -> "bring us closer to achieving our objective"
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat informal and vague. The suggested replacement is more precise and formal.
"direct people to the new human civilization" -> "guide humanity towards a new civilization"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and informal. The suggested replacement is more eloquent and appropriate for academic writing.
"individual’s health" -> "individual health"
Explanation: The possessive form "individual’s" is incorrect in this context. "Individual health" correctly refers to the health of individuals collectively without implying possession.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the main aspects of the prompt by discussing both the role of science in improving healthcare and its potential to address challenges like overpopulation through space exploration. It acknowledges the importance of science in enhancing human life.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the prompt. Provide a deeper analysis of how science can address societal challenges beyond healthcare to demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance in agreement with the idea that the primary aim of science should be to improve people’s lives. This position is maintained throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Strengthen clarity by explicitly stating the thesis in the introduction and reinforcing it throughout the body paragraphs. Avoid ambiguous language that may weaken the argument’s coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the impact of science on healthcare and space exploration. However, these ideas lack depth and thorough development. While examples are provided, they are not extensively elaborated upon.
- How to improve: Extend ideas by providing more detailed explanations and examples. Use evidence, statistics, or expert opinions to support arguments and strengthen the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by discussing the role of science in improving human lives. However, the brief mention of outer space exploration, while relevant, could be further connected to the central theme.
- How to improve: Maintain a tighter focus on the central argument by ensuring all examples and discussions directly relate to the prompt. If branching into related topics, thoroughly connect them back to the main argument to avoid tangential discussions.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents a clear stance in agreement with the importance of science in improving human lives, there are opportunities for improvement in developing ideas more thoroughly, staying closely aligned with the main topic, and providing deeper analysis beyond healthcare. Strengthening these aspects would elevate the coherence and persuasiveness of the essay, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It begins with an introduction stating the author’s agreement with the idea that science should primarily aim to improve people’s lives. Then, it presents two main points supporting this view: the impact of science on healthcare and the exploration of new living spaces. Each point is elaborated on in separate paragraphs, providing examples and explanations. Finally, the essay concludes by restating the author’s agreement. However, there are instances where the connection between sentences and ideas could be clearer. For instance, the transition between the discussion of healthcare advancements and the exploration of outer space feels abrupt, lacking a smooth segue.
- How to improve: To enhance logical coherence, ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs and ideas. Use transition phrases or sentences to connect different parts of the essay more effectively. Additionally, consider restructuring sentences for clarity and coherence. For example, the essay could better link the discussion on healthcare advancements with the exploration of outer space by highlighting the broader scope of scientific endeavors aimed at improving human life.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to organize its content into distinct sections. It starts with an introduction, followed by two body paragraphs discussing different aspects of how science improves people’s lives. Each paragraph focuses on a specific point, providing relevant examples and explanations. However, there are minor issues with paragraph structure and coherence within paragraphs. Some paragraphs contain sentences that could be better integrated or expanded for clarity and cohesion.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces its main idea. Develop each paragraph with supporting details and examples to reinforce the main point. Additionally, review paragraph transitions to ensure smooth progression between ideas. Consider revising sentences within paragraphs to improve coherence and flow. For instance, break down longer sentences into shorter ones or use transitional phrases to connect ideas more effectively.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited use of cohesive devices. While there are some attempts to connect ideas within sentences and paragraphs, the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices could be improved. Examples of cohesive devices used include transitional phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which help signal shifts between ideas. However, there is a lack of diversity in cohesive devices, and some connections between sentences and paragraphs feel somewhat disjointed.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay to create stronger connections between ideas. Incorporate a variety of transition words and phrases such as "furthermore," "however," "in conclusion," etc., to provide smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and appropriately to maintain coherence and cohesion. Consider revising certain sentences to better integrate cohesive devices and strengthen the overall flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some variation in word choice. There are instances where a more diverse vocabulary could enhance the clarity and sophistication of the argument. For example, phrases like "higher and higher concern" could be replaced with more precise language such as "increasing societal focus." Additionally, the essay could benefit from using more specific terminology related to science and healthcare to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To expand the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating specialized terms related to the topic, such as "biotechnology," "medical innovations," or "public health initiatives." Be mindful of using synonyms and related terms to avoid repetition and increase lexical richness.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally communicates ideas clearly, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the overall clarity. For example, the phrase "science research plays a crucial role in promoting human living" could be more precisely stated as "scientific research significantly impacts human well-being." Additionally, there are minor errors in word choice and phrasing throughout the essay that could be refined for greater precision.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting words that accurately convey the intended meaning and avoid vague or ambiguous language. Utilize a thesaurus or dictionary to find precise alternatives for common terms and strive for clarity in expression. Proofreading for accuracy and consistency can also help refine vocabulary usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally acceptable in the essay, with only minor errors observed. Examples include "meditation" instead of "medication" and "lands" instead of "planets." While these errors do not significantly detract from comprehension, attention to detail in spelling would enhance the professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: Implement strategies such as proofreading carefully for spelling errors, using spell-check tools, and practicing spelling through vocabulary exercises. Developing a habit of double-checking spelling before finalizing written work can help improve overall accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competence in lexical resource, refining vocabulary usage for precision and accuracy could elevate the sophistication and effectiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate variety of sentence structures. There is evidence of simple, compound, and complex sentences throughout the essay. However, the range could be further diversified to enhance the overall coherence and sophistication of the writing. For instance, the writer could incorporate more complex compound-complex sentences, utilize rhetorical devices such as parallelism or inversion, or vary the sentence beginnings for better flow and engagement.
- How to improve: To improve the range of sentence structures, consider incorporating a broader variety of sentence types. Experiment with complex compound sentences to express ideas with more depth and complexity. Introduce rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion to add stylistic flair and captivate the reader’s attention. Additionally, vary the beginnings of sentences to avoid monotony and create a more engaging rhythm.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy, there are several instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that detract from the overall clarity of the writing. For example, there are errors in subject-verb agreement ("there is a difficult part for the science sector is to address population bomb"), article usage ("the primary purpose in science research"), and punctuation ("Due to the scientific breakthrough in finding new life-saving treatments and vaccines, it is possible for people to prolong life and enhance health condition"). Additionally, some sentences lack clarity due to awkward word choices or incomplete thoughts ("Thanks to the advancement of the rocket engineering system, some companies such as SPACEX and NASA invest a lot of time and effort to explore life resources in other lands").
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, it is crucial to review basic grammar rules and practice identifying and correcting common errors. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation rules. Additionally, strive for clarity and coherence in sentence construction by ensuring that each sentence conveys a complete thought and avoids awkward phrasing. Consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify areas for improvement and practice writing and editing regularly to reinforce grammatical skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

Given the increasing concern regarding scientific advancements, one of the contentious issues is whether the primary goal of scientific research should be to improve human lives. In my viewpoint, I wholeheartedly agree with this assertion, and this essay will elucidate the reasons behind my stance.

On one hand, science has significant impacts on people’s healthcare. Due to breakthroughs in scientific research, such as the development of new life-saving treatments and vaccines, individuals can prolong their lives and enhance their health conditions. For instance, the introduction of the COVID-19 vaccine has proven effective in preventing viral infections. Furthermore, it is imperative for doctors and scientists to continue their efforts in finding efficient solutions to combat cancer and other terminal illnesses, which can significantly improve survival rates and save millions of lives. Although there are still diseases for which treatments have not yet been discovered, I firmly believe that the combination of scientific research and medical expertise can lead to breakthroughs in this sector.

On the other hand, a significant challenge for the scientific community is addressing the issue of population growth by exploring alternative habitats, particularly extraterrestrial environments. Thanks to advancements in rocket engineering, organizations including SpaceX and NASA devote substantial time and effort to explore life resources on other celestial bodies. The idea of establishing human settlements on other planets brings us closer to achieving our objective of ensuring the continuity of human civilization.

In conclusion, science plays an indispensable role in enhancing individual health and improving living standards. Through continued scientific research and exploration, we can guide humanity towards a new civilization where the well-being of individuals is prioritized.