Some people believe that the care of elderly people should be a priority of government spending. Others believe that government spending should focus more on young people, especially on their education. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In contemporary society, the debate is divided over whether the government should pay more attention to the well-being of old individuals or invest more in the education of the younger generation. While some posit the government is obliged to be in charge of the seemingly financially and physically vulnerable old population, I am of the opinion that the young should be prioritized to ensure their country’s future.

Admittedly, one might argue that senior citizens’ wellness deserves to take precedence over anything else regarding the contribution they made to their home country. Indeed, they spent more than half of their life working to pay taxes and raise their children to be good civilians who play a pivotal role in shaping the country in the future. However, this line of reason is not sound because if the authorities plan to subsidize nursing homes and allowances for the old, they need to reallocate the budget from other important areas, which may break the equilibrium of the economy. To make matters worse, youngsters will bear more burden when they need to work more laboriously to compensate for the money spent by the governmental body in the form of taxes. As a result, they will lose incentives and motivation to do their jobs, causing the country’s economy to fall.

On the other hand, it is more reasonable for the government to support the young population instead of catering to the needs of elder citizens for several reasons. Firstly, the young should fulfill their filial piety in light of their parents’ strenuous working years to offer them a healthy and stable life. Therefore, their sons or daughters should be responsible for their healthcare and finances instead of entrusting them to the government. Secondly, those whose ages are between 20 and 30 possess the ability to think creatively and critically, which is accompanied by youth strength and enthusiasm. These qualities can empower them to make groundbreaking technological innovations, resulting in sustainable economic growth and a better quality of life. Thus, if nurtured and educated properly, they can be the most efficient workforce for their country and act as role models for generations to come.

In conclusion, while the government should be grateful to the older generation and take care of them accordingly, I truly believe this duty is for young individuals and the authorities should shift their attention to their education given their aforementioned potential to promote the prosperity of their country.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"In contemporary society" -> "In modern society"
Explanation: Although "contemporary society" is not incorrect, "modern society" is more commonly used in academic texts to refer to the current time period, enhancing the readability and natural flow of the introduction.
"the debate is divided" -> "opinions are divided"
Explanation: The phrase "the debate is divided" is slightly awkward and less common in formal writing. "Opinions are divided" is a more natural and widely accepted way to express that there are differing viewpoints on an issue.
"pay more attention to" -> "prioritize"
Explanation: "Prioritize" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "pay more attention to," which is somewhat vague and informal for an academic context.
"old individuals" -> "elderly individuals"
Explanation: "Old individuals" can come across as disrespectful or overly simplistic. "Elderly individuals" is a more formal and respectful term.
"the young" -> "younger generations"
Explanation: "The young" is a bit too informal and vague for academic writing. "Younger generations" is more specific and formal.
"Admittedly" -> "It is acknowledged that"
Explanation: Starting a paragraph with "Admittedly" is informal and conversational. "It is acknowledged that" is more formal and fits the academic style better.
"senior citizens’ wellness" -> "the well-being of senior citizens"
Explanation: "Wellness" is a term more commonly found in informal or non-academic contexts. "The well-being of senior citizens" is more formal and fits the academic narrative.
"anything else regarding" -> "all other considerations concerning"
Explanation: "Anything else regarding" is too informal and lacks precision. "All other considerations concerning" is more formal and specific.
"break the equilibrium" -> "disrupt the equilibrium"
Explanation: "Break" is too simplistic and informal for this context. "Disrupt" is more academically appropriate, indicating a disturbance in balance with a more formal tone.
"make matters worse" -> "exacerbate the situation"
Explanation: "Make matters worse" is an idiom and too informal for academic writing. "Exacerbate the situation" is a formal way to express that something is making a situation worse.
"youngsters" -> "young individuals"
Explanation: "Youngsters" is too informal and can be perceived as derogatory in an academic essay. "Young individuals" is more neutral and formal.
"bear more burden" -> "bear a greater burden"
Explanation: The phrase "bear more burden" is grammatically awkward and lacks precision. "Bear a greater burden" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"work more laboriously" -> "exert more effort"
Explanation: "Work more laboriously" is somewhat redundant and informal. "Exert more effort" is a more concise and formal expression.
"the governmental body" -> "the government"
Explanation: "The governmental body" is unnecessarily wordy and formal. "The government" is sufficiently formal for academic writing and more concise.
"fulfill their filial piety" -> "fulfill their filial duties"
Explanation: "Filial piety" is a concept that might not be universally understood and can sound overly formal or specific to certain cultures. "Fulfill their filial duties" is more universally understood and maintains the formal tone.
"strenuous working years" -> "years of strenuous work"
Explanation: "Strenuous working years" is awkwardly phrased. "Years of strenuous work" flows better and is more typical of formal academic language.
"catering to the needs of" -> "addressing the needs of"
Explanation: "Catering to" can imply a level of service that is less formal. "Addressing the needs of" is more neutral and appropriate for an academic context.
"possess the ability to think" -> "have the capacity for"
Explanation: "Possess the ability to think" is verbose and slightly informal. "Have the capacity for" is more concise and formal.
"youth strength and enthusiasm" -> "youthful strength and enthusiasm"
Explanation: "Youth strength" is awkward and unclear. "Youthful strength and enthusiasm" is clearer and maintains the formal tone.
"groundbreaking technological innovations" -> "pioneering technological advancements"
Explanation: While not incorrect, "groundbreaking" can be seen as slightly informal for this context. "Pioneering technological advancements" is more formal and fits the academic style better.
"I truly believe" -> "It is firmly believed"
Explanation: "I truly believe" introduces a personal opinion in a way that is too informal for academic writing. "It is firmly believed" maintains an objective tone while expressing a strong conviction.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument, discussing the importance of government spending on the elderly and contrasting it with the necessity of investing in the education of the younger generation. It acknowledges the contributions of the elderly to society while advocating for prioritizing the education of the youth.
- How to improve: To further enhance task response, ensure that each viewpoint is thoroughly explored with balanced arguments. Provide more specific examples or data to support assertions about the potential economic impacts of government spending on either the elderly or the young.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance favoring the prioritization of education for the younger generation. This position is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, providing a consistent perspective throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Strengthen clarity by explicitly stating the author’s position in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion. Additionally, reinforce the position with more robust reasoning and evidence throughout the body paragraphs.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents and supports ideas with relevant arguments and examples. It discusses the contributions of both the elderly and the young to society and provides reasoning behind the author’s stance.
- How to improve: To extend ideas further, delve deeper into the potential long-term consequences of prioritizing one demographic over the other. Provide additional evidence or examples to bolster arguments and enhance the depth of analysis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the debate surrounding government spending priorities between the elderly and the young. It consistently addresses the prompt throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all arguments and examples directly relate to the central theme of government spending priorities. Avoid tangential discussions that detract from the main topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively presents arguments supporting the author’s viewpoint. To improve further, consider refining the balance of arguments, strengthening clarity of position, extending ideas with deeper analysis, and maintaining strict relevance to the topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear logical organization overall. It begins with an introduction that sets up the debate, followed by two body paragraphs that present contrasting viewpoints. Each paragraph presents a distinct argument supported by reasoning and examples. The conclusion summarizes the author’s opinion effectively. However, there are minor instances where the logical progression could be improved. For instance, transitioning between the argument favoring care for the elderly to the argument favoring investment in youth could be smoother.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas more seamlessly between paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the main topic and contributes to the overall argumentative structure.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into three paragraphs—an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph serves its purpose effectively. The introduction sets up the discussion, the body paragraphs present arguments, and the conclusion provides a succinct summary and opinion. However, there is room for improvement in paragraph length and coherence within paragraphs. The first body paragraph is lengthy, while the second one is comparatively shorter.
- How to improve: Aim for more balanced paragraph lengths to maintain consistency and readability. Ensure that each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details and examples. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to improve clarity and organization.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to maintain coherence and cohesion. Transition words and phrases such as "Admittedly," "On the other hand," and "In conclusion" are used to signal shifts between different points of view and parts of the essay. Additionally, pronouns and referencing are used effectively to connect ideas within sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: While cohesive devices are used appropriately, incorporating a wider range of transition words and phrases can further enhance the essay’s coherence. Additionally, pay attention to pronoun consistency to avoid ambiguity and ensure clarity in referencing throughout the essay. Overall, the essay effectively utilizes cohesive devices but can benefit from diversification and meticulous attention to coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "contemporary society," "well-being," "filial piety," "sustainable economic growth," and "innovations." This variety enhances the overall lexical richness of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay generally utilizes a diverse vocabulary, there are instances where more precise or nuanced word choices could be employed. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "young" and "old," consider alternatives like "youth" and "senior citizens," or "elderly individuals" to add variation and sophistication to the language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally precise use of vocabulary, effectively conveying ideas with clarity. For example, the term "filial piety" accurately captures the concept of respect and obligation towards one’s parents, adding depth to the argument.
- How to improve: While the vocabulary usage is mostly precise, there are a few instances where more precise vocabulary choices could enhance clarity or specificity. For instance, in the phrase "groundbreaking technological innovations," considering more specific terms like "disruptive" or "pioneering" could further emphasize the transformative nature of the innovations being discussed.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with no significant errors detracting from comprehension. However, there are a few minor spelling errors, such as "admittedly" instead of "Admittedly," which do not significantly impact readability but should be corrected for formal writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, it is recommended to pay close attention to details during the proofreading process. Utilizing spelling and grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify and correct any overlooked errors. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words can prevent recurring mistakes in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, ranging from complex compound sentences to simpler ones. There’s effective use of introductory phrases ("Admittedly," "On the other hand") and conditional structures ("if…, they need to"). Additionally, there is evidence of complex sentences with dependent clauses ("which may break the equilibrium of the economy") and relative clauses ("those whose ages are between 20 and 30"). These structures enhance the readability and coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay already employs a diverse range of structures, further variation could enhance its sophistication. Introducing rhetorical questions, participial phrases, or inversion techniques could add depth to certain arguments and elevate the overall quality of expression.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where minor grammatical errors occur, such as subject-verb agreement ("senior citizens’ wellness deserves to take precedence") and article usage ("their country’s future"). Additionally, some sentences could be streamlined for clarity without altering the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, careful proofreading focusing on subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure would be beneficial. Revising sentences for clarity, particularly by avoiding unnecessary passive voice constructions, can also contribute to improved coherence and precision.

Overall, the essay exhibits a proficient level of grammatical range and accuracy, with a diverse array of sentence structures contributing to its coherence and readability. Attention to minor grammatical errors and refinement of sentence structures could further elevate the essay’s effectiveness and clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

In modern society, opinions are divided on whether the government should prioritize the care of elderly individuals or invest more in the education of younger generations. While some argue that the government is obligated to prioritize the well-being of the elderly due to their years of strenuous work and contribution to society, I firmly believe that focusing on the younger generation is essential for the country’s future prosperity.

It is acknowledged that the elderly have made significant contributions to their country, having dedicated many years to hard work and raising future generations. However, diverting funds towards elder care could disrupt the equilibrium of the economy. This may exacerbate the situation by placing a heavier financial burden on younger individuals, who would then need to exert more effort to compensate for the redistributed budget through increased taxes. Consequently, this could lead to a loss of motivation among the youth, negatively impacting the country’s economy.

On the other hand, it is firmly believed that government spending should prioritize the education of young individuals. Firstly, younger generations should fulfill their filial duties by taking responsibility for the well-being of their elderly relatives, rather than relying solely on government support. Additionally, young people possess youthful strength and enthusiasm, along with the capacity for pioneering technological advancements. By investing in their education and development, the government can empower them to become the driving force behind sustainable economic growth and societal progress. Thus, nurturing and educating the youth can lead to a more efficient workforce and ensure a better quality of life for future generations.

In conclusion, while it is important for the government to acknowledge and appreciate the contributions of the older generation, I believe that prioritizing the education and development of young individuals is crucial for the long-term prosperity of the country.