Many people believe that subjects such as music or sport are not useful, thus school should concentrate on subjects that offer better career prospect. What is your opinion?

At school nowadays, students have chances to learn not only the main subjects but some subjects related to extra-curricular activities like music or sport. However, many parents assume that their children do not need to study such subjects. From my viewpoint, I do not agree with this statement.
To begin with, those subjects help us develop our social skill. For instance, the teachers tend to prefer the students confident enough to perform a song in front of the crowd on the ground that they are definitely capable of becoming leaders. On the contrary, ones keeping quiet usually socially outcast in the future. Some teenagers refuse to study those lessons because they believe only those having an innate ability likes those idiotic lessons instead of the main subjects. But we can easily find their claims green with envy because they cannot do that.
Ipso facto, urging your children to study the main subjects is a conservative outlook. Now we are living in a developing society, where all the talents are admirable, it is not necessary to push yourself into a stereotypical way: learn to pass the entrance exam to university, then graduate and find a job. Even if you follow that way, when you apply for a job, the interviewers will be in favour of, certainly, a sociable and amiable applicant to a bookish one. If you spend most of your time focusing on the main subjects, you will be at a disadvantage without fail !
In conclusion, we do not need to exclude any subjects because they all are important for your career prospect in the future. We should not underestimate music and sport lessons because the chances are that they can help us have a better life in the future.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"At school nowadays" -> "In contemporary educational settings"
Explanation: "In contemporary educational settings" provides a more formal and precise context than the casual "At school nowadays."
"students have chances" -> "students have opportunities"
Explanation: "Opportunities" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "chances," which can imply randomness.
"some subjects related to extra-curricular activities like music or sport" -> "subjects pertaining to extracurricular activities such as music or sports"
Explanation: "Pertaining to" is more formal than "related to," and "such as" is preferred over "like" in formal writing for examples. Also, "sports" should be plural for consistency.
"many parents assume" -> "numerous parents believe"
Explanation: "Numerous" is more formal than "many," and "believe" is preferred in academic contexts over "assume," which can imply lack of evidence.
"I do not agree with this statement" -> "I respectfully disagree with this assertion"
Explanation: "Respectfully disagree" is a more formal and polite way of expressing disagreement, and "assertion" is a more formal term than "statement."
"those subjects help us develop our social skill" -> "such subjects aid in the development of our social skills"
Explanation: "Aid in the development of" is more formal and precise than "help us develop," and "skills" should be plural to cover the broad spectrum of social abilities.
"the teachers tend to prefer" -> "educators often favor"
Explanation: "Educators" is a more formal term than "the teachers," and "often favor" is preferred in academic writing over "tend to prefer."
"ones keeping quiet" -> "individuals who remain quiet"
Explanation: "Individuals who remain quiet" is more formal and clear than the vague and informal "ones keeping quiet."
"socially outcast" -> "socially ostracized"
Explanation: "Socially ostracized" is a more precise and formal term than "socially outcast."
"idiotic lessons" -> "trivial subjects"
Explanation: "Idiotic" is overly informal and potentially offensive; "trivial" is a more neutral and formal adjective.
"green with envy" -> "motivated by envy"
Explanation: "Green with envy" is an idiom, which is less appropriate in formal writing. "Motivated by envy" conveys the intended meaning in a more formal manner.
"Ipso facto" -> "Therefore"
Explanation: While "Ipso facto" is formal, it is often misused and can seem pretentious. "Therefore" is clear and appropriately formal.
"conservative outlook" -> "traditional perspective"
Explanation: "Traditional perspective" is a more neutral and academically appropriate term than "conservative outlook," which can carry unintended connotations.
"developing society" -> "evolving society"
Explanation: "Evolving" is more precise in this context, indicating progress and development over time, whereas "developing" can imply a state of underdevelopment.
"push yourself into a stereotypical way" -> "conform to a conventional path"
Explanation: "Conform to a conventional path" is more formal and clear than "push yourself into a stereotypical way."
"bookish one" -> "academically focused individual"
Explanation: "Academically focused individual" is a more formal and precise description than "bookish one," which is informal and vague.
"without fail !" -> "undoubtedly."
Explanation: "Undoubtedly" is more formal and does not require the informal exclamation mark used in "without fail !"
"exclude any subjects" -> "omit any subjects"
Explanation: "Omit" is more formal and precise than "exclude" in the context of academic curriculum.
"they all are important" -> "all are of importance"
Explanation: "All are of importance" is a more formal expression than "they all are important."
"because the chances are that" -> "given the potential that"
Explanation: "Given the potential that" is a more formal and precise way to introduce the possibility or likelihood of an outcome than the colloquial "because the chances are that."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by presenting arguments against the notion that subjects like music or sport are not useful and should be disregarded in favor of subjects with better career prospects. It discusses the importance of these extracurricular subjects in developing social skills and argues against the conservative view of solely focusing on traditional academic subjects.
- How to improve: While the essay presents a clear stance against disregarding subjects like music or sport, it could enhance its response by providing a more nuanced exploration of the potential benefits of these subjects beyond social skills, such as creativity, teamwork, and physical health.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position throughout, advocating for the value of subjects like music and sport in contrast to the idea of solely concentrating on subjects with better career prospects. It argues against this viewpoint by emphasizing the importance of social skills and challenging traditional educational norms.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, the essay could explicitly state its position in the introduction and conclusion, ensuring that the reader is continually reminded of the author’s stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents its ideas adequately, discussing the development of social skills through extracurricular activities like music and sport. However, it lacks depth in elaborating on other potential benefits and fails to provide robust support for its arguments beyond anecdotal examples.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation of ideas, the essay could incorporate research or studies supporting the benefits of extracurricular activities on cognitive development, academic performance, and overall well-being. Additionally, providing more varied examples and expanding on the potential long-term advantages of these subjects would strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by addressing the importance of subjects like music and sport in education, despite some minor deviations in language use and focus. These deviations do not significantly detract from the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve focus, the essay should ensure that all examples and arguments directly relate to the central theme of the importance of extracurricular subjects in education and career prospects. Avoiding tangential discussions would enhance the clarity and relevance of the essay.

Overall, while the essay effectively argues against the dismissal of subjects like music or sport in education, it could improve by providing more nuanced arguments, stronger evidence, and maintaining a consistent focus on the central topic throughout the essay. Incorporating these suggestions would elevate the essay’s coherence, depth, and persuasiveness, leading to a more robust response to the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organization, with a discernible introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there are instances where the logical flow is disrupted, such as the abrupt transition between discussing social skills and the conservative outlook in the first and second paragraphs. Additionally, the concluding paragraph could better summarize the main points discussed throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, it’s advisable to establish smoother transitions between ideas. Consider using topic sentences at the beginning of each body paragraph to signal the focus of the paragraph and ensure coherence. Furthermore, the conclusion should recapitulate the main arguments without introducing new ideas, providing a sense of closure to the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, which is essential for structuring ideas and aiding readability. However, the paragraphs lack consistent development and coherence. For instance, the first paragraph blends discussion of social skills with a critique of parental attitudes, making it somewhat convoluted.
- How to improve: Aim for more distinct paragraphing, with each paragraph focusing on a single main idea. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main point, followed by supporting details and examples. This will enhance readability and coherence, making the essay easier to follow for the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices, which are crucial for connecting ideas and improving coherence. While some cohesive devices like "to begin with," "however," and "in conclusion" are utilized, their effectiveness is diminished due to inconsistent application.
- How to improve: Incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices such as conjunctions (e.g., furthermore, moreover), transition words (e.g., consequently, therefore), and referencing expressions (e.g., this, these). Ensure these devices are used consistently throughout the essay to strengthen the connections between ideas and improve overall coherence.

Overall, while the essay exhibits a basic level of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in terms of logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. By refining these aspects, the essay can achieve a higher level of clarity and coherence, ultimately enhancing its effectiveness in conveying the author’s viewpoint.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary throughout. For example, it includes terms such as "extra-curricular activities," "innate ability," "stereotypical," and "amiable," showcasing the writer’s attempt at employing varied vocabulary. However, there are instances where simpler language choices or repetitions occur, which slightly limit the breadth of the vocabulary range. For instance, the repeated use of "main subjects" could be diversified.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, try incorporating more nuanced vocabulary choices. Instead of relying heavily on phrases like "main subjects," explore synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition. Additionally, aim to introduce specialized vocabulary related to the topic, such as terminology specific to education or career development, to further enrich the essay’s vocabulary range.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision, but there are instances where words are used imprecisely or inappropriately. For example, the phrase "idiotic lessons" could be considered disrespectful and imprecise in this context. Similarly, the phrase "green with envy" might not be the most precise choice for expressing jealousy.
- How to improve: Focus on selecting vocabulary that precisely conveys the intended meaning and tone of the essay. Avoid using derogatory terms like "idiotic" and opt for more neutral or respectful language. Additionally, strive to use idiomatic expressions accurately to avoid any confusion or unintended connotations. Consider alternatives like "envious" instead of "green with envy" for clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with few noticeable errors. However, there are a couple of minor spelling errors, such as "Ipso facto" instead of "Ipse facto" and "favour" instead of "favor," which slightly detract from the overall coherence and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider employing proofreading techniques such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-checking tools to identify and correct errors. Additionally, paying attention to common spelling patterns and practicing regularly can help reinforce correct spelling habits, contributing to overall writing quality and clarity.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences throughout the essay. However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety and sophistication. For example, while there are some attempts at complex sentences, they are not consistently executed. Moreover, the essay lacks variety in sentence beginnings and lengths, which can make the writing seem repetitive.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and diversity of structures, strive to incorporate a wider range of sentence types such as complex and compound-complex sentences. Vary sentence beginnings and lengths to avoid monotony and increase reader engagement. Additionally, consider using rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion to add sophistication to your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation, but there are several instances of errors throughout the text. For example, there are errors in subject-verb agreement ("ones keeping quiet usually socially outcast"), punctuation errors (missing commas, incorrect colon usage), and awkward phrasing ("we can easily find their claims green with envy"). These errors occasionally impede clarity and comprehension.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, carefully proofread your work to identify and correct errors in subject-verb agreement, punctuation, and sentence structure. Pay particular attention to common trouble spots such as comma usage, apostrophes, and sentence fragments. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify areas for improvement. Reviewing grammar rules and practicing with targeted exercises can also help reinforce proper usage. Finally, be mindful of clarity and coherence in your writing to ensure your ideas are effectively communicated to the reader.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary educational settings, students have opportunities to delve into subjects pertaining to extracurricular activities such as music or sports. Numerous parents believe that such subjects are not useful, thus advocating for schools to concentrate solely on subjects that offer better career prospects. However, I respectfully disagree with this assertion.

To begin with, such subjects aid in the development of our social skills. Educators often favor individuals who are confident enough to participate in activities such as performing a song in front of a crowd, as they are seen as potential leaders. Conversely, those who remain quiet are often socially ostracized in the future. Some teenagers may refuse to study these subjects, perceiving them as trivial, motivated by envy towards those who excel in them. However, it is important to recognize that these activities contribute significantly to our overall development.

Therefore, urging children to focus solely on the main subjects is a conservative perspective. In today’s evolving society, where conformity to a conventional path is no longer the only measure of success, it is essential to recognize the value of diverse talents. Even academically focused individuals stand to benefit from participating in extracurricular activities, as they enhance social skills and overall well-being. Neglecting such opportunities could leave individuals at a disadvantage in future endeavors, particularly in competitive job markets where interpersonal skills are highly valued.

In conclusion, it is vital to acknowledge the importance of all subjects in shaping a well-rounded individual. We should not omit any subjects, as all are of importance given the potential that they hold for personal and professional growth. By embracing a holistic approach to education, we can ensure that students are equipped with the skills and experiences necessary for success in the future.