As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Due to the development of technology devices such as computers and television, it’s commonly believed that reducing physical activities has an adverse influence on people’s health.

To begin with, the invention of many saving-labor devices such as washing machines, cleaning robots, vacuum cleaners… has reduced the amount of household chores for many people. Thanks to these devices, tasks that once required physical exertion, such as handwashing clothes or manually scrubbing floors, have been replaced by automated processes, resulting in reduced opportunities for movement and exercise.
People are engaging in fewer activities for those housework, which significantly prevent them from doing physical activities at home. As a result, with less need for manual chores around the house,people, especially the children, are spending more time sedentary, whether watching television or playing video games, leading to a decline in overall fitness and an increased risk of childhood obesity.
Furthermore, televisions and smartphones have become primary sources of entertainment for many individuals, leading to increased screen time during recreational hours. Instead of engaging in outdoor activities or sports, people are spending more time sitting in front of screens, which promotes a sedentary lifestyle and reduces opportunities for physical activity. It’s believed that the number of children having eyesight problems has increased these days because of excessive time spent on watching screens for cartoons or tv programes. In addition, the convenience of smartphones has changed the way people communicate, with many preferring virtual interactions over face-to-face meetings. While video calling and messaging apps allow for constant connectivity, they also discourage physical social interactions, leading to a decline in outdoor activities and physical gatherings.

In conclusion, I agree with the idea that advancement of technology significantly leads to deterioration of health due to the lack of physical activities.

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Errors and Improvements:

"Due to the development of technology devices" -> "Owing to the proliferation of technological devices"
Explanation: "Due to" is somewhat informal for academic writing. "Owing to" is a more formal alternative that maintains the same meaning, but with a more sophisticated tone. Additionally, "technology devices" can be more concisely expressed as "technological devices."
"computers and television" -> "computers and televisions"
Explanation: "Television" should be used in its plural form to match "computers." This correction ensures grammatical accuracy.
"it’s commonly believed that reducing physical activities" -> "there is a common belief that reducing physical activity"
Explanation: "it’s" is a contraction and should be avoided in formal writing. Also, "reducing physical activities" could be more succinctly stated as "reducing physical activity."
"To begin with," -> "Firstly,"
Explanation: "To begin with" is slightly informal. "Firstly" is a more formal transition phrase that fits better in an academic context.
"the invention of many saving-labor devices" -> "the invention of labor-saving devices"
Explanation: "saving-labor" is an awkward construction. "Labor-saving" is a more conventional term to describe devices that reduce manual effort.
"tasks that once required physical exertion" -> "tasks that formerly demanded physical exertion"
Explanation: "once" is a bit casual. "Formerly" is a more precise term for academic writing.
"replaced by automated processes" -> "replaced with automated processes"
Explanation: "by" can be replaced with "with" to improve clarity and precision in this context.
"people, especially the children" -> "individuals, particularly children"
Explanation: "people" is a broad term. "Individuals" is more formal and inclusive. Also, "the children" can be more simply stated as "children."
"whether watching television or playing video games" -> "whether it is watching television or playing video games"
Explanation: Adding "it is" clarifies the structure and improves readability.
"leading to a decline in overall fitness" -> "resulting in a decline in overall fitness"
Explanation: "leading to" is somewhat overused. "Resulting in" offers a clearer transition in this context.
"televisions and smartphones have become primary sources of entertainment" -> "televisions and smartphones have emerged as primary sources of entertainment"
Explanation: "have become" can be replaced with "have emerged as" for a more formal tone.
"which promotes a sedentary lifestyle" -> "thus promoting a sedentary lifestyle"
Explanation: "which" can be replaced with "thus" to improve the coherence of the sentence.
"It’s believed that the number of children having eyesight problems has increased these days" -> "There is a belief that the incidence of eyesight problems among children has increased in recent times"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality.
"because of excessive time spent on watching screens for cartoons or tv programes" -> "due to excessive screen time spent on watching cartoons or TV programs"
Explanation: Replacing "because of" with "due to" and rephrasing for clarity and formality.
"In addition," -> "Moreover,"
Explanation: "In addition" is slightly informal. "Moreover" is a more sophisticated transition phrase for academic writing.
"the convenience of smartphones" -> "the convenience afforded by smartphones"
Explanation: "of" can be replaced with "afforded by" for a more formal expression.
"with many preferring virtual interactions" -> "with a preference for virtual interactions among many"
Explanation: Restructuring for clarity and formality.
"over face-to-face meetings" -> "over in-person meetings"
Explanation: "face-to-face" can be replaced with "in-person" for variety and precision.
"While video calling and messaging apps allow for constant connectivity" -> "Although video calling and messaging apps facilitate constant connectivity"
Explanation: Replacing "While" with "Although" for a more formal transition.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt. It discusses the impact of electronic inventions such as computers and televisions on physical activity and health. It acknowledges the reduction in physical activity due to labor-saving devices and the increased sedentary behavior associated with screen time.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that each point is further elaborated and supported with specific examples. For instance, provide data or statistics on the correlation between screen time and health issues to strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position agreeing with the statement that electronic inventions have a negative effect on health by reducing physical activity. This stance is consistently maintained throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, consider explicitly stating the position in the introduction and reaffirming it in the conclusion. Additionally, anticipate and address potential counterarguments to further strengthen the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to the impact of electronic inventions on physical activity and health. However, some points lack depth and require further development. For example, while it mentions the reduction in physical activity due to labor-saving devices, it could elaborate on the consequences of this decline in activity in more detail.
- How to improve: To extend and support ideas, provide additional examples, evidence, or anecdotes. Incorporating relevant studies or research findings would also strengthen the argument and make the essay more persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the relationship between electronic inventions, reduced physical activity, and its negative effect on health. However, there are some instances of slight deviation, such as discussing the impact of smartphones on social interactions.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points directly contribute to the central argument. Limit digressions and tangential discussions to keep the essay tightly focused on the prompt’s main theme. If discussing related topics, tie them back to the main argument to maintain coherence and relevance.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It starts with an introduction that presents the topic and the writer’s stance, followed by two body paragraphs that provide supporting arguments. The first body paragraph discusses the impact of labor-saving devices on physical activity, while the second paragraph addresses the influence of television and smartphones. The essay concludes with a restatement of the writer’s opinion. However, there are some instances where the flow of ideas could be improved for better coherence. For example, transitioning between ideas within paragraphs could be smoother, and some points could be further developed for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the thesis statement. Additionally, use transition words and phrases to guide the reader through the essay smoothly. Consider expanding on key points with examples or evidence to provide a deeper understanding of the arguments presented.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas and arguments. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, such as the impact of labor-saving devices or the influence of electronic entertainment. However, there are areas where paragraph structure could be improved for greater coherence and cohesion. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear delineation, making it challenging for readers to follow the progression of thought.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph centers around a single main idea or argument, supported by relevant evidence or examples. Use topic sentences to introduce the main point of each paragraph, and follow up with supporting details in a logical order. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to improve readability and organization.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate use of cohesive devices to connect ideas and facilitate coherence. Examples of cohesive devices include transitional phrases like "To begin with," "Furthermore," and "In conclusion," which help signal the organization of the essay. Additionally, pronouns such as "these devices" and "they" are used to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, aiding in clarity and cohesion. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the types of cohesive devices used and ensuring consistency in their application throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices beyond transitional phrases to include conjunctions, pronouns, and lexical cohesion. For instance, utilize conjunctions like "however," "moreover," and "nevertheless" to establish logical relationships between ideas. Additionally, maintain consistency in pronoun reference to avoid ambiguity and enhance coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary related to the topic of technology and its impact on physical activity and health. There is usage of varied terms such as "development of technology devices," "saving-labor devices," "sedentary lifestyle," "recreational hours," and "virtual interactions." However, the vocabulary could be enriched further by incorporating more diverse synonyms and expressions related to the theme.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider integrating more nuanced and specific terminology related to technology, health, and physical activity. For example, instead of repeatedly using "technology devices," explore alternative phrases like "technological innovations" or "digital advancements." Additionally, introducing domain-specific vocabulary related to health and fitness would add depth to the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary accurately to convey ideas, but there are instances where terminology could be more precise. For instance, phrases like "saving-labor devices" and "recreational hours" effectively convey the intended meaning but could be substituted with more concise terms like "labor-saving devices" and "leisure time," respectively, for clearer expression.
- How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, strive for conciseness and clarity by selecting the most appropriate words or phrases to convey ideas. Consider refining expressions to eliminate redundancy and ambiguity. Utilize a thesaurus or specialized dictionaries to explore synonyms and choose the most fitting terms for each context.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally adequate, with only a few minor errors observed. Words like "programes" (programs) and "exertion" are misspelled, but these mistakes do not significantly detract from overall readability. Overall, the spelling proficiency meets the expected standards for the IELTS Band 6 level.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, engage in regular practice sessions focused on spelling, including word drills and exercises. Utilize spell-check tools available in word processing software to identify and correct errors. Additionally, develop a habit of proofreading written work carefully to catch and rectify any spelling mistakes before submission.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably varied range of sentence structures. There is effective use of complex structures such as compound sentences ("Thanks to these devices, tasks that once required physical exertion…") and complex sentences ("While video calling and messaging apps allow for constant connectivity, they also discourage physical social interactions…"). However, some sentences tend to be overly simplistic and could benefit from more complexity to enhance clarity and sophistication.
- How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences and varying the lengths of sentences for better flow and readability. Introducing rhetorical devices such as parallelism or inversion can also add richness to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good grasp of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout the essay. For example, in the sentence "People are engaging in fewer activities for those housework," the use of "for those housework" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "for those household chores." Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors such as missing commas in compound sentences ("Furthermore, televisions and smartphones have become primary sources of entertainment for many individuals, leading to increased screen time during recreational hours.").
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to review the use of articles, prepositions, and verb tense consistency. Proofreading the essay carefully can help catch and correct punctuation errors. Additionally, consider utilizing complex sentence structures with clear punctuation to convey ideas effectively. Reading aloud can also help identify areas where punctuation is needed for better clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

Due to the proliferation of technological devices such as computers and televisions, there is a common belief that reducing physical activity has a negative impact on people’s health.

Firstly, the invention of labor-saving devices has led to a decline in physical activity. Tasks that formerly demanded physical exertion, such as handwashing clothes or manually scrubbing floors, have been replaced with automated processes. Consequently, individuals, particularly children, are engaging in fewer physical activities at home. As a result, there is a decline in overall fitness and an increased risk of childhood obesity.

Moreover, televisions and smartphones have emerged as primary sources of entertainment, promoting a sedentary lifestyle. Instead of participating in outdoor activities or sports, people, especially children, are spending more time sitting in front of screens. Excessive screen time, whether it is watching cartoons or TV programs, is believed to contribute to an increase in eyesight problems among children.

Additionally, the convenience afforded by smartphones has led to a preference for virtual interactions over in-person meetings. While video calling and messaging apps facilitate constant connectivity, they also discourage physical social interactions. This trend results in a decline in outdoor activities and physical gatherings.

In conclusion, owing to the proliferation of technological devices, there is a common belief that reducing physical activity has negative consequences for health.