Some people think that it is the natural process for animals to becom extinct, so there is no need to protect them. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people think that it is the natural process for animals to becom extinct, so there is no need to protect them.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

No doubt an increasing number of animals have been on the brink of extinction. Some people believe that there is no point in protecting them as this is an inevitable part of the natural process; however, I believe that this alarming trend is largely ascribed to human activities rather than natural causes, and therefore, mankind should strive to mitigate this.
Although natural events such as a gradual shift in climate and changing sea levels also contribute to the disappearance of wildlife, their detrimental impacts are negligible, compared to the humans’ activities. Take industrial activities as a prime example. Many heavy industries such as steel and mining are inflicting tremendous damage on animals’ natural habits. Forests which are home to numerous wild animals are being cut down to pave the way for factories. Furthermore, many incidents where large schools of fish are killed have occurred as a consequence of being exposed to chemicals. This contamination of water is also a substantial cause resulting in the unfortunate disappearance of countless aquatic creatures.
There are multiple compelling reasons why human beings should intensify attempts to alleviate this alarming trend. First, animals’s preservation is of paramount importance for maintaining the balance of the ecosystem because the connection in nature has concrete links and plants. If one species becomes extinct, the food chain is disrupted which could affect deleteriously many animals and even plants. Moreover, the diversity of wildlife holds significant tourism value. In many places around the world, many types of animals play a critical role in different cultures that could appeal to an enormous amount of foreign visitors. This uniqueness in wildlife could work as an economic driver that widens career possibilities for local citizens, promoting their living standards.
To conclude, the extinction of animals is attributable to humans’ impacts rather than natural events, and humankind must be responsible for animal protection. Therefore, preserving animals should merit further attention from both governments and individuals.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"No doubt an increasing number of animals have been on the brink of extinction." -> "Undoubtedly, an escalating number of animals are teetering on the brink of extinction."
Explanation: Replacing "No doubt" with "Undoubtedly" and restructuring the sentence for clarity enhances the formality and precision of expression.
"Some people believe that there is no point in protecting them as this is an inevitable part of the natural process; however, I believe that this alarming trend is largely ascribed to human activities rather than natural causes…" -> "While some argue that protecting them is futile, considering it an inevitable facet of the natural process, I contend that this alarming trend predominantly stems from human activities rather than natural causes…"
Explanation: The suggested revision clarifies the contrast between opposing viewpoints and uses more formal language to express the argument.
"although natural events such as a gradual shift in climate and changing sea levels also contribute to the disappearance of wildlife, their detrimental impacts are negligible, compared to the humans’ activities." -> "While natural events such as gradual climate shifts and rising sea levels do contribute to wildlife decline, their adverse impacts pale in comparison to human activities."
Explanation: This alteration maintains the flow while refining the language for academic writing, substituting "although" with "while" and rephrasing for clarity and formality.
"Take industrial activities as a prime example." -> "Consider industrial activities as a prime example."
Explanation: "Take" is less formal compared to "Consider" in this context, so the change enhances the academic tone of the sentence.
"Many heavy industries such as steel and mining are inflicting tremendous damage on animals’ natural habits." -> "Numerous heavy industries such as steel and mining are wreaking havoc on animals’ natural habitats."
Explanation: "Inflicting tremendous damage" is replaced with "wreaking havoc" for a stronger and more precise expression without sacrificing formality.
"Forests which are home to numerous wild animals are being cut down to pave the way for factories." -> "Forests, which serve as habitats for numerous wild animals, are being cleared to make room for factories."
Explanation: "Cut down" is substituted with "cleared" for a more formal and precise term, and the sentence structure is adjusted for clarity.
"Furthermore, many incidents where large schools of fish are killed have occurred as a consequence of being exposed to chemicals." -> "Moreover, numerous incidents resulting in the mass mortality of fish have transpired due to chemical exposure."
Explanation: This revision offers a more sophisticated and formal expression of the idea, replacing "where" with "resulting in the mass mortality of fish" for clarity and precision.
"This contamination of water is also a substantial cause resulting in the unfortunate disappearance of countless aquatic creatures." -> "This water contamination significantly contributes to the regrettable disappearance of countless aquatic creatures."
Explanation: The language is refined for formality and precision, with "substantial cause resulting in" replaced by "significantly contributes to" for clarity and conciseness.
"There are multiple compelling reasons why human beings should intensify attempts to alleviate this alarming trend." -> "Numerous compelling reasons warrant intensified efforts by human beings to alleviate this alarming trend."
Explanation: "There are" is replaced with "Numerous" for conciseness and formality, and "intensify attempts" is substituted with "intensified efforts" for precision and clarity.
"First, animals’s preservation is of paramount importance for maintaining the balance of the ecosystem because the connection in nature has concrete links and plants." -> "Firstly, the preservation of animals is of paramount importance for maintaining the balance of the ecosystem, given the concrete interdependencies between species and flora."
Explanation: This revision corrects the possessive form ("animals’s") and rephrases for clarity and formality, avoiding repetition and enhancing precision.
"Moreover, the diversity of wildlife holds significant tourism value." -> "Furthermore, the diversity of wildlife carries substantial tourism value."
Explanation: "Holds significant" is replaced with "carries substantial" for a more formal and concise expression, maintaining the academic tone.
"In many places around the world, many types of animals play a critical role in different cultures that could appeal to an enormous amount of foreign visitors." -> "In numerous regions worldwide, various animal species play pivotal roles in diverse cultures, potentially attracting a vast number of foreign visitors."
Explanation: The revision enhances clarity and formality by rephrasing for precision and coherence, avoiding repetition and using more formal language.
"This uniqueness in wildlife could work as an economic driver that widens career possibilities for local citizens, promoting their living standards." -> "The uniqueness of wildlife could serve as an economic catalyst, expanding career opportunities for local residents and enhancing their living standards."
Explanation: The language is refined for formality and precision, with "work as" replaced by "serve as" and "widens" replaced by "expanding" for clarity and conciseness.
"Therefore, preserving animals should merit further attention from both governments and individuals." -> "Hence, the preservation of animals warrants increased attention from both governments and individuals."
Explanation: This revision substitutes "should merit further attention" with "warrants increased attention" for a stronger and more formal expression, maintaining the academic tone of the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt by acknowledging the perspective that extinction is a natural process while presenting a clear counterargument that human activities play a significant role in accelerating this process. It analyzes the reasons behind both perspectives and offers a comprehensive response.
- How to improve: While the essay provides a thorough analysis, it could strengthen its argument by exploring potential rebuttals to the stance taken and providing counterpoints to further bolster its position.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout, asserting that human activities are primarily responsible for the alarming trend of animal extinction. This position is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, providing coherence to the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity further, the essay could reinforce its stance by explicitly stating it in the introduction and summarizing it in the conclusion to leave a lasting impression on the reader.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports its ideas with relevant examples and logical reasoning. It discusses the detrimental impacts of human activities on wildlife habitats and ecosystems, as well as the economic and cultural importance of preserving biodiversity.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay’s argumentation, it could delve deeper into the specific environmental consequences of industrial activities and provide more statistical data or expert opinions to validate its claims.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a strong focus on the topic throughout, discussing the reasons for animal extinction and the necessity of protecting wildlife. It avoids tangential discussions and remains relevant to the central theme of the prompt.
- How to improve: While the essay stays on topic effectively, it could enhance its coherence by using transitional phrases or sentences to seamlessly connect ideas and paragraphs, facilitating a smoother flow of thought.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the prompt, effectively presenting and supporting its argument while maintaining clarity and relevance. To further improve, the essay could strengthen its argumentation by considering potential counterarguments and providing additional evidence to bolster its claims. Additionally, reinforcing the clarity of the position and enhancing coherence through improved transitions would elevate the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear logical organization throughout. It begins with an introduction that presents the author’s stance, followed by two well-developed body paragraphs supporting this stance with examples and reasoning. The conclusion succinctly restates the main argument. Each paragraph flows logically into the next, building upon the previous points and providing a cohesive structure to the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay maintains logical organization overall, enhancing the transitional phrases between paragraphs could further strengthen coherence. Introducing phrases like "Furthermore" or "Moreover" at the beginning of each body paragraph can aid in smoother transitions and enhance the overall flow of ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas and arguments. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, with clear topic sentences and supporting details. The introduction and conclusion are appropriately separate from the body paragraphs, providing a well-structured framework for the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay’s paragraph structure is generally sound, ensuring that each paragraph maintains a clear central idea and coherent development can further improve clarity. Additionally, varying sentence structures within paragraphs can enhance readability and engagement.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. Examples include transition words such as "although," "furthermore," and "moreover," which guide the reader through the essay’s argumentative progression. Additionally, cohesive devices like pronouns ("their," "this") and parallel structures contribute to the cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay demonstrates proficiency in using cohesive devices, incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases can further enrich the essay’s coherence. Experimenting with advanced cohesive devices such as adverbial phrases ("in contrast," "on the other hand") and subordinating conjunctions can add nuance and sophistication to the essay’s structure. Additionally, ensuring consistent and effective use of pronouns and referencing can enhance clarity and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary. There is a variety of terms used throughout the essay to express ideas related to the extinction of animals and the importance of their protection. For example, terms like "brink of extinction," "inevitable," "alarming trend," "paramount importance," "deleteriously," and "preserving" showcase a diverse lexical repertoire.
- How to improve: While the essay showcases a good range of vocabulary, there is room for enhancement by incorporating more nuanced and sophisticated vocabulary. Consider integrating advanced synonyms or less common vocabulary to further enrich the expression of ideas and add depth to the argumentation.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying ideas related to the topic. However, there are instances where vocabulary usage could be more precise. For example, the phrase "inflicting tremendous damage" could be more precise by specifying the nature of the damage inflicted on animals’ habitats.
- How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, strive for specificity and clarity. Instead of general terms, opt for words or phrases that precisely convey the intended meaning. Utilize vocabulary that accurately describes the effects of human activities on wildlife without ambiguity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally acceptable, with only minor errors observed. Most words are spelled correctly, contributing to the overall clarity and readability of the essay. However, there are a few instances of misspelled words, such as "habits" instead of "habitats" and "animals’s" instead of "animals’".
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing strategies such as proofreading carefully, utilizing spell-check tools, and practicing spelling commonly misspelled words. Pay close attention to details during the editing process to identify and correct any spelling errors effectively. Additionally, familiarize yourself with spelling rules and common spelling patterns to minimize mistakes in future writing endeavors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex, compound, and simple sentences. There is effective use of subordinate clauses ("Although natural events such as a gradual shift in climate and changing sea levels also contribute to the disappearance of wildlife") and parallel structures ("many types of animals play a critical role in different cultures that could appeal to an enormous amount of foreign visitors"). However, there could be further diversification by incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as inverted sentences or conditional sentences, to enhance sophistication and fluency.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating inverted sentences ("Not only is the extinction of animals attributable to humans’ impacts, but it also signifies…"), conditional sentences ("If stringent measures were implemented to curb industrial pollution, the survival chances of endangered species would significantly increase"), or rhetorical questions ("Can we truly justify the continued destruction of habitats for economic gain?"). Additionally, vary sentence lengths strategically to maintain reader engagement and rhythm throughout the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally high level of grammatical accuracy with minimal errors. However, there are a few instances of grammatical inconsistencies and punctuation errors. For instance, in the sentence "This contamination of water is also a substantial cause resulting in the unfortunate disappearance of countless aquatic creatures," the use of "resulting in" is redundant and could be revised for clarity. Additionally, there is a missing comma after "Furthermore" at the beginning of a sentence. While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, addressing them would enhance the overall clarity and precision of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, proofreading the essay carefully before submission is crucial. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and proper punctuation usage. Utilize resources such as grammar guides or online grammar checkers to identify and rectify any remaining errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to gain insights into areas for improvement and refine your writing skills further.

Bài sửa mẫu

Undoubtedly, an increasing number of animals are teetering on the brink of extinction. While some argue that protecting them is futile, considering it an inevitable facet of the natural process, I contend that this alarming trend predominantly stems from human activities rather than natural causes.

While natural events such as gradual climate shifts and rising sea levels do contribute to wildlife decline, their adverse impacts pale in comparison to human activities. Consider industrial activities as a prime example. Numerous heavy industries such as steel and mining are wreaking havoc on animals’ natural habitats. Forests, which serve as habitats for numerous wild animals, are being cleared to make room for factories. Moreover, numerous incidents resulting in the mass mortality of fish have transpired due to chemical exposure. This water contamination significantly contributes to the regrettable disappearance of countless aquatic creatures.

Numerous compelling reasons warrant intensified efforts by human beings to alleviate this alarming trend. Firstly, the preservation of animals is of paramount importance for maintaining the balance of the ecosystem, given the concrete interdependencies between species and flora. Furthermore, the diversity of wildlife carries substantial tourism value. In numerous regions worldwide, various animal species play pivotal roles in diverse cultures, potentially attracting a vast number of foreign visitors. The uniqueness of wildlife could serve as an economic catalyst, expanding career opportunities for local residents and enhancing their living standards.

Hence, the preservation of animals warrants increased attention from both governments and individuals.