an electronic device you use often

I am a devout fan of Apple products. That's why on my 18th birthday, my sister gifted me an Apple Watch. Overall, it is black, giving it a luxurious look and complementing my skin tone. It fits perfectly on my wrist. With a rectangular touchscreen display with rounded corners and materials, including aluminum, stainless steel, and titanium, It looks very modern. One of the distinctive features of the Apple Watch is its customizable watch faces, which allow users to personalize their device with different styles, colors, and complications. The digital crown on the side of the watch provides a convenient way to navigate through apps and menus, while the side button can be used for various functions such as accessing Siri or opening the app switcher. Besides the preeminent features, the wristwatch has also improved a lot in terms of aesthetics. Soft compact band, face made of fine tempered glass, making wristwatch increasingly stylish and modern. I love it very much because this is her sister's gift. I will clear and conserve my Watch.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"devout fan" -> "enthusiastic admirer"
Explanation: "Devout" typically refers to religious devotion, while "enthusiastic admirer" better conveys a strong liking for Apple products without the religious connotation, aligning with a more formal tone.
"Overall, it is black" -> "Primarily, it is black"
Explanation: "Overall" is somewhat informal in this context. "Primarily" is more suitable for academic writing and maintains clarity, indicating the predominant color of the Apple Watch.
"giving it a luxurious look" -> "imparting a luxurious appearance"
Explanation: Replacing "giving it" with "imparting" enhances the sophistication of the sentence, and "appearance" is a more formal alternative to "look."
"complementing my skin tone" -> "harmonizing with my skin tone"
Explanation: "Complementing" is suitable, but "harmonizing" adds a touch of elegance and precision to describe the match between the watch color and the skin tone.
"It fits perfectly on my wrist" -> "It fits snugly on my wrist"
Explanation: "Perfectly" is slightly informal. "Snugly" maintains the meaning while being more refined and precise.
"rectangular touchscreen display with rounded corners" -> "rectangular touchscreen interface with rounded edges"
Explanation: "Display" can be replaced with "interface" for a more formal tone, and "edges" is more appropriate than "corners" in this context.
"It looks very modern" -> "It exudes a contemporary aesthetic"
Explanation: "Looks very modern" is somewhat informal. "Exudes a contemporary aesthetic" offers a more sophisticated and academic description of the watch’s appearance.
"customizable watch faces" -> "personalizable watch faces"
Explanation: "Customizable" is acceptable but "personalizable" adds a touch of formality and precision, emphasizing the user’s ability to personalize the watch faces.
"complications" -> "additional features"
Explanation: In watch terminology, "complications" refers to additional features beyond basic timekeeping. However, in this context, "additional features" is clearer and more universally understood.
"the digital crown" -> "the digital crown mechanism"
Explanation: Adding "mechanism" clarifies that the digital crown is not just a physical component but also a functional part of the watch.
"wristwatch" -> "timepiece"
Explanation: "Wristwatch" is acceptable but "timepiece" is more formal and adds sophistication to the description of the Apple Watch.
"Soft compact band" -> "Sleek and compact band"
Explanation: "Soft compact band" is somewhat vague. "Sleek and compact band" provides a clearer and more formal description of the watch band.
"face made of fine tempered glass" -> "face crafted from premium tempered glass"
Explanation: "Made of" can be replaced with "crafted from" for a more refined tone, and "premium" enhances the description of the quality of the tempered glass.
"making wristwatch increasingly stylish and modern" -> "enhancing the timepiece’s style and modernity"
Explanation: "Wristwatch" can be replaced with "timepiece" for variety, and restructuring the sentence with "enhancing the timepiece’s style and modernity" offers a clearer and more formal expression of the watch’s improvements.
"I love it very much" -> "I greatly appreciate it"
Explanation: "I love it very much" is overly informal. "I greatly appreciate it" expresses gratitude in a more formal manner.
"this is her sister’s gift" -> "this was a gift from my sister"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality.
"I will clear and conserve my Watch" -> "I will maintain and preserve my Watch"
Explanation: "Clear and conserve" is informal. "Maintain and preserve" is more precise and formal, indicating the intention to take care of the watch.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay discusses an electronic device (Apple Watch) that the writer uses often. It briefly describes the features and aesthetics of the watch, such as the touchscreen, materials, customization options, and functionality. However, the response is underdeveloped and lacks depth. There’s minimal exploration beyond superficial descriptions of physical attributes.
- How to improve: To enhance this section, delve deeper into why the Apple Watch is a significant part of daily life. For instance, discuss its practical functionalities like health tracking, notifications, or productivity features, and how these contribute to daily routines.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer’s stance on the Apple Watch is positive and appreciative, evident from phrases like "I love it very much because this is her sister’s gift." However, the essay lacks a strong thesis or central argument. The focus remains on surface-level descriptions rather than a coherent viewpoint or argumentative position.
- How to improve: Strengthen the clarity of the writer’s perspective by framing the essay around a clear thesis statement. This could be an assertion about the watch’s impact on daily life, its significance in the context of technological innovation, or personal experiences that highlight its importance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several features of the Apple Watch but fails to extend or elaborate on these ideas effectively. For instance, descriptions of the watch’s appearance and features are mentioned but not developed or connected to broader themes.
- How to improve: Extend ideas by providing specific examples or personal experiences that demonstrate the watch’s functionality or significance. Use these details to support broader claims about why the Apple Watch is a valuable device.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay remains broadly related to the topic of discussing an electronic device (Apple Watch), it lacks depth and strays into superficial descriptions of physical attributes. There’s a need to delve into the device’s functionalities and the writer’s personal interaction with it.
- How to improve: Maintain focus by exploring the electronic device’s functionalities, impact on daily life, and personal experiences that illustrate its significance. Avoid unnecessary descriptions of physical attributes and emphasize substantive content related to the device’s utility and importance.

In summary, to improve the essay’s effectiveness and achieve a higher band score, focus on expanding beyond surface-level descriptions. Emphasize the device’s impact on daily life, its unique functionalities, and personal experiences that highlight its significance. Strengthen the coherence of the essay by framing a clear thesis and consistently supporting ideas with specific examples and reflections. This will enhance both the depth and relevance of the response to the task prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information, starting with an introduction of the electronic device (Apple Watch) and its features. It proceeds to describe its physical appearance, functionality, and personal significance to the writer. However, there is a slight lack of coherence in the transition between discussing the device’s features and its aesthetic improvements. The essay could benefit from a clearer transition or connection between these aspects.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph builds upon the previous one, maintaining a clear connection between ideas. In this essay, consider bridging the discussion of the Apple Watch’s features and aesthetics by perhaps discussing how the features contribute to its overall appeal or how the aesthetics enhance its functionality.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into paragraphs, which aids readability. However, some paragraphs could be more focused and cohesive. For instance, the paragraph discussing the device’s physical features could be separated from the paragraph discussing its functionality for better clarity.
- How to improve: Review the essay’s paragraph structure to ensure each paragraph addresses a single main idea or aspect of the device. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to maintain clarity and coherence. For example, dedicate one paragraph solely to describing the physical appearance and another to discussing the device’s functionality and features.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases ("overall," "besides," "I love it very much because"), which help connect ideas within and between sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying and utilizing cohesive devices more extensively throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Introduce a wider variety of cohesive devices, including conjunctions (e.g., "however," "furthermore," "meanwhile"), pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), and referencing words (e.g., "the former," "the latter"). Incorporating these devices can strengthen the coherence of the essay by reinforcing connections between sentences and paragraphs, guiding the reader through the text more effectively.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in coherence and cohesion, with clear potential for improvement in certain areas such as enhancing logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the essay can further enhance its coherence and cohesion, potentially reaching a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. It includes terms such as "luxurious," "complementing," "rectangular," "distinctive," "personalize," "complications," "preeminent," "aesthetics," "tempered," and "conservation." However, there is room for improvement in showcasing a more extensive and nuanced vocabulary to enhance the depth of expression.
- How to improve: To elevate the lexical richness of the essay, consider incorporating synonyms and alternative phrases to avoid repetition and add variety. Additionally, strive to include more specialized vocabulary related to electronic devices and their features. For example, instead of repeatedly using "modern," explore descriptors such as "sleek," "state-of-the-art," or "cutting-edge" to convey a deeper understanding of the subject matter.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some precision in vocabulary usage, particularly in describing the features of the Apple Watch. For instance, terms like "rectangular touchscreen display," "digital crown," and "fine tempered glass" provide clear and specific descriptions. However, there are instances of imprecise language, such as "improved a lot in terms of aesthetics," which could be further clarified or replaced with more precise terminology.
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision by using terminology that accurately conveys the intended meaning. Instead of vague phrases like "improved a lot in terms of aesthetics," specify the enhancements in design or appearance, such as "enhanced sleekness," "refined aesthetics," or "elevated style." Consistently selecting precise vocabulary will enhance clarity and coherence in your writing.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling throughout, with no glaring errors noted. However, there are a few minor spelling issues, such as "wristwatch" being written as two separate words ("wrist watch"). Overall, spelling accuracy is adequate but could benefit from closer attention to detail.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your writing carefully or utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools. Pay particular attention to compound words like "wristwatch" to ensure they are written correctly. Developing a habit of reviewing and correcting spelling errors can contribute to improved overall writing quality.

Overall, while the essay exhibits a satisfactory level of lexical resource and spelling accuracy, there is room for enhancement in both breadth and precision of vocabulary usage. By actively expanding your vocabulary repertoire and refining your ability to select precise terminology, you can elevate the sophistication and effectiveness of your writing. Additionally, maintaining vigilant attention to spelling accuracy will further enhance the clarity and professionalism of your essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is limited complexity and variation in sentence structures. Most sentences follow a straightforward subject-verb-object pattern, lacking complexity such as subordinate clauses or inversion.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and variety, incorporate more complex sentence structures such as conditional sentences, relative clauses, or inverted sentences. For instance, instead of solely using simple sentences like "I love it very much because this is her sister’s gift," consider expanding with a complex sentence like "I hold great affection for this gift, primarily due to its sentimental value as a present from my sister."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays fairly accurate grammar and punctuation. However, there are some minor errors and inconsistencies throughout the text. For example, there is a lack of subject-verb agreement in the sentence "I will clear and conserve my Watch," where ‘Watch’ should be capitalized, and ‘clear’ and ‘conserve’ should be in the present tense to match the rest of the essay.
- How to improve: Focus on maintaining consistency in verb tense and agreement throughout the essay. Additionally, ensure proper capitalization of proper nouns like ‘Watch’ for ‘Apple Watch’ and ‘Siri.’ Proofreading the essay carefully can help catch and rectify such errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competency in grammatical accuracy and sentence structure, further enhancement in both complexity and precision could lead to a higher band score. Incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and paying attention to grammatical details will strengthen the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

I’m a keen admirer of Apple products. That’s why, on my 18th birthday, my sister gifted me an Apple Watch. Overall, it’s black, giving it a luxurious appearance and complementing my skin tone perfectly. It fits snugly on my wrist. With a rectangular touchscreen display featuring rounded corners and crafted from materials like aluminum, stainless steel, and titanium, it looks very modern. One of its standout features is the customizable watch faces, allowing users to personalize their device with different styles, colors, and complications. The digital crown on the side of the watch provides a convenient way to navigate through apps and menus, while the side button can be used for various functions such as accessing Siri or opening the app switcher. Besides its excellent features, the wristwatch has also seen significant improvements in terms of aesthetics. The soft compact band and face made of fine tempered glass make the wristwatch increasingly stylish and modern. I cherish it greatly because it was a gift from my sister. I will take good care of and cherish my Watch.