nswer the Writing Task 1 below. You should spend about 20 minutes on this task. The bar chart shows the percentages of the UK workforce in five major industries in 1841 and 2011. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

nswer the Writing Task 1 below.
You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.
The bar chart shows the percentages of the UK workforce in five major industries in 1841 and 2011.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.

The bar chart shows the percentage of the UK workforce in various major industries in 1841 and 2011.

In 1841, the largest sector was Agriculture and Fishing, employing 33% of the workforce. This dramatically decreased to only 1% by 2011. The Services sector saw the most significant growth, from 33% in 1841 to 81% in 2011. Manufacturing also experienced a notable decline, from 36% in 1841 to just 9% in 2011.

Other sectors such as Construction and Energy/Water had relatively small workforce percentages in both years. Construction remained almost constant, at 8% in 1841 and 8% in 2011. Energy and Water showed a slight decrease, from 1% in 1841 to 1% in 2011.

Overall, the data illustrates a clear shift from agriculture and manufacturing towards the services sector over the 170 years.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The bar chart shows" -> "The bar chart illustrates"
   Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise and academic term than "shows," as it implies a deeper level of analysis and presentation, which is more suitable for an academic context.

2. "various major industries" -> "various key sectors"
   Explanation: "Key sectors" is more specific and formal than "major industries," which is somewhat vague and less precise in this context.

3. "employing 33% of the workforce" -> "accounting for 33% of the workforce"
   Explanation: "Accounting for" is a more formal and precise way to describe the proportion of the workforce, aligning better with academic style.

4. "This dramatically decreased" -> "This significantly decreased"
   Explanation: "Dramatically" can be seen as an emotional term and might be considered too informal for academic writing. "Significantly" is a more neutral and appropriate choice.

5. "only 1%" -> "a mere 1%"
   Explanation: "A mere" is a more precise and formal way to convey the drastic change, adding a level of academic sophistication to the statement.

6. "the most significant growth" -> "the most substantial growth"
   Explanation: "Substantial" is a more academic term than "significant," providing a more precise description of the magnitude of change.

7. "notable decline" -> "marked decline"
   Explanation: "Marked" is a more formal and precise term than "notable," fitting better in an academic context.

8. "just 9%" -> "a mere 9%"
   Explanation: Similar to earlier, "a mere" enhances the formality and precision of the statement, fitting better in an academic essay.

9. "relatively small workforce percentages" -> "relatively small workforce proportions"
   Explanation: "Proportions" is a more precise term in this context, as it directly relates to the numerical data being discussed.

10. "remained almost constant" -> "remained relatively unchanged"
    Explanation: "Remained relatively unchanged" is a more formal and precise way to describe stability in data, aligning better with academic style.

11. "a slight decrease" -> "a minor decrease"
    Explanation: "Minor" is a more formal synonym for "slight," enhancing the academic tone of the description.

12. "the data illustrates" -> "the data reveals"
    Explanation: "Reveals" is a more active and precise verb than "illustrates," suggesting a deeper level of analysis and insight, which is more suitable for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in the bar chart. It accurately identifies the most significant changes, such as the decline in agriculture and manufacturing and the growth of the services sector. The essay also highlights key features, such as the relatively small workforce percentages in construction and energy/water. However, the essay could be more fully extended by providing more detailed comparisons between the two years. For example, the essay could mention that the percentage of the workforce in manufacturing declined by 27% between 1841 and 2011, while the percentage of the workforce in services increased by 48%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed comparisons between the two years. For example, the essay could mention that the percentage of the workforce in manufacturing declined by 27% between 1841 and 2011, while the percentage of the workforce in services increased by 48%. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific examples of the changes that have occurred in the UK workforce. For example, the essay could mention that the decline in agriculture is due to the mechanization of farming, while the growth of the services sector is due to the rise of new industries such as finance and tourism.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay logically organises information and ideas, maintaining clear progression throughout. Each paragraph focuses on a central topic related to specific industries and their workforce percentages in 1841 and 2011. The sequencing of information is effective, starting with an overview in the introduction and then detailing changes in each sector in subsequent paragraphs. There is a good use of cohesive devices such as transitions ("In 1841," "Overall," "Other sectors such as"), which contribute to coherence without being overused. Paragraphing is appropriately used to separate distinct ideas.

How to improve:
To potentially improve to a higher band, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout, avoiding any minor under- or over-use. Aim to vary sentence structures more to enhance cohesion further. Additionally, consider integrating more complex sentence structures and nuanced transitions to strengthen the flow between paragraphs.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay effectively utilizes a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow flexibility and precision in conveying the information from the bar chart. It uses less common lexical items such as "sectors" and "notable decline," demonstrating awareness of style and collocation. Although there are occasional errors in word choice and spelling ("constituent" instead of "construction"), they do not significantly detract from overall comprehension.

How to improve:
To improve, the essay could aim for more consistent use of complex vocabulary and strive for greater accuracy in word choice and spelling to minimize errors. Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of sophisticated lexical features could enhance the fluency and sophistication of expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures with generally accurate usage throughout. There is effective use of complex sentences to convey information and comparisons between the two time periods (1841 and 2011). The majority of sentences are error-free, showcasing good control over grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few minor errors present, such as missing articles ("the Services sector") and a minor punctuation issue ("170 years."). These errors do not significantly detract from the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.

How to improve:
To improve, the writer could focus on ensuring consistent use of articles and refining punctuation to achieve more precise clarity and grammatical accuracy. Proofreading for minor errors like missing articles and punctuation marks will enhance the already strong presentation of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart presents the distribution of the UK workforce across five major industries in 1841 and 2011.

In 1841, Agriculture and Fishing employed the largest share of workers, constituting 33% of the workforce. This figure sharply declined to merely 1% by 2011. Meanwhile, the Services sector witnessed substantial growth, rising from 33% in 1841 to 81% in 2011. Manufacturing also experienced a significant decrease from 36% to 9% during the same period.

Construction maintained a steady workforce percentage of 8% in both 1841 and 2011. Similarly, Energy/Water sector saw minimal change, declining slightly from 1% in 1841 to 1% in 2011.

Overall, the data highlights a pronounced shift from agriculture and manufacturing towards the services sector over the span of 170 years.