Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful, but they are also likely to suffer from negative social consequences. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful, but they are also likely to suffer from negative social consequences.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Regions that tend to have the number of working hours than average are to gain popularity in the economy, but also likely to be equal with the issues related to social. Perspectively, I am partly agree with this statement and this essay will explain why
On the one hand, it is true that putting their soul on work do contribute for the economy. To be more specific, not only the proliferation of the economic for countries that the number of workers that contributed their time more than others, but also their GPD tends to show more higher to be compared. Taking the Koreans as an example, the tradition of working non-stop has been in their veins for centuries. the percentage of jobseekers for around the world that have been attracted.
But to the side of risks, dealing with extra hours of work it is not a simple thing when it posed a threat to the employee’s physical and mental health. Contrastingly, buried their head also mean that sacrifice their personal time which is the leisure activity, the time that people have a connection with other people and increase their soft skills which is also the needs for work. On the side of mental health, lacking time for rest and falling victim to brutal issues like depression, being overwhelmed because their brain cannot adapt to thinking wisely when does not have enough of sleep or relaxation when they keep contributing it for job
In conclusion, I am wholeheartedly to say that I am partly agree with the statement due to the benefits for the economy’s profits but also the dark sides when focusing too much for long hours of work.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Regions that tend to have the number of working hours than average" -> "Regions with longer working hours than the average"
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested revision corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the meaning, making it more formal and precise.

2. "are to gain popularity in the economy, but also likely to be equal with the issues related to social" -> "are gaining popularity in the economy, but also likely to face social issues"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and unclear. The revision clarifies the meaning and corrects the grammatical structure, enhancing readability and formality.

3. "putting their soul on work" -> "devoting themselves to work"
   Explanation: "Putting their soul on work" is an idiom and too informal for academic writing. "Devoting themselves to work" is a more formal and precise expression.

4. "do contribute for the economy" -> "contribute to the economy"
   Explanation: "Do contribute for" is grammatically incorrect. "Contribute to" is the correct preposition for indicating contribution to something, making the sentence grammatically correct and formal.

5. "not only the proliferation of the economic for countries" -> "not only the economic growth of countries"
   Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and grammatically incorrect. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and corrects the grammar, making it suitable for academic writing.

6. "the number of workers that contributed their time more than others" -> "workers who contribute more hours than others"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision simplifies and clarifies the expression, improving readability and formality.

7. "their GPD tends to show more higher to be compared" -> "their GDP tends to be higher compared to others"
   Explanation: "GPD" is a typographical error and "show more higher" is grammatically incorrect. The correction corrects the typo and refines the grammar, enhancing clarity and formality.

8. "the tradition of working non-stop has been in their veins for centuries" -> "the tradition of continuous work has been ingrained in their culture for centuries"
   Explanation: The original phrase is metaphorical and informal. The revision maintains the metaphorical tone but uses more precise and formal language suitable for academic writing.

9. "the percentage of jobseekers for around the world that have been attracted" -> "the percentage of jobseekers worldwide who have been attracted"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and informal. The revision corrects the grammatical structure and removes the unnecessary preposition, enhancing clarity and formality.

10. "But to the side of risks" -> "However, on the other hand, there are risks"
    Explanation: "But to the side of risks" is an awkward and unclear construction. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and improves the flow of the sentence, aligning with formal academic style.

11. "dealing with extra hours of work it is not a simple thing" -> "managing extra working hours is not straightforward"
    Explanation: The original phrase is informal and vague. The revision uses more precise language and a more formal tone, suitable for academic writing.

12. "buried their head also mean that" -> "burying their heads also means that"
    Explanation: "Buried their head" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The correction corrects the verb tense and clarifies the meaning, improving grammatical accuracy and readability.

13. "sacrifice their personal time which is the leisure activity" -> "sacrifice their personal time, which is typically reserved for leisure activities"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and vague. The revision clarifies the meaning and provides a more precise description, enhancing the academic tone.

14. "the time that people have a connection with other people" -> "the time spent interacting with others"
    Explanation: The original phrase is verbose and informal. The revision simplifies and clarifies the expression, making it more concise and appropriate for formal writing.

15. "increase their soft skills which is also the needs for work" -> "enhance their soft skills, which are also essential for work"
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning, improving the formality and precision of the statement.

16. "lacking time for rest and falling victim to brutal issues like depression" -> "insufficient rest and vulnerability to severe issues such as depression"
    Explanation: The original phrase is informal and imprecise. The revision uses more formal language and avoids colloquial expressions, aligning with academic standards.

17. "their brain cannot adapt to thinking wisely when does not have enough of sleep or relaxation" -> "their brains struggle to function effectively when they do not receive adequate sleep or relaxation"
    Explanation: The original phrase

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the prompt. It acknowledges that long working hours can contribute to economic success while also leading to negative social consequences. However, the response lacks depth in fully exploring both aspects comprehensively. For instance, it briefly mentions economic benefits like GDP growth in countries with longer working hours and touches on social issues such as impact on personal time and mental health, but these points are not sufficiently developed.
  • How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure each aspect of the prompt is thoroughly examined with detailed examples and explanations. Provide more specific evidence and possibly counterarguments to strengthen the analysis.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay initially states a partial agreement with the prompt but does not consistently maintain this position throughout. There is some ambiguity in the stance, as it acknowledges benefits and drawbacks without clearly aligning with either agreement or disagreement.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, decide on a definitive stance (agree, disagree, or partly agree) and maintain it consistently throughout the essay. Clearly outline reasons supporting the chosen position and address potential counterarguments.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks thorough development and support. While it mentions economic benefits and social consequences, these points are not sufficiently elaborated with specific examples or data. Ideas are presented in a somewhat disjointed manner, impacting the coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance idea presentation, extend each point with detailed examples, statistics, or real-world scenarios. Connect ideas logically to maintain coherence and ensure each idea is fully supported with relevant evidence or reasoning.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the economic success and social consequences of long working hours. However, there are instances where the discussion could be more focused, particularly in connecting back to the central argument of whether countries are more successful economically and the social consequences they face.
  • How to improve: To improve relevance, ensure every paragraph and idea directly ties back to the main argument of economic success versus social consequences. Avoid tangential discussions that do not directly contribute to answering the prompt.

In conclusion, while the essay addresses the prompt to some extent, there is room for improvement in clarity of position, depth of analysis, coherence in presenting ideas, and maintaining focus on the central topic. By providing more detailed examples, developing arguments further, and maintaining a clear stance throughout, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present a balanced view on the relationship between long working hours and economic success, as well as their social repercussions. However, the logical organization is hindered by frequent shifts in focus and unclear transitions between ideas. For instance, the introduction lacks clarity in outlining the essay’s structure, making it challenging for the reader to anticipate the arguments that follow. Additionally, the conclusion abruptly summarizes without a clear recapitulation of the main points discussed.

  • How to improve: To enhance logical coherence, the essay would benefit from a clearer introductory statement that previews the main arguments ("for" and "against"). Each body paragraph should focus on distinct aspects (e.g., economic benefits and social consequences), with topic sentences clearly articulating the main idea. Using linking words and phrases (e.g., "on the one hand," "however," "in contrast") more effectively will help in smoothly transitioning between different perspectives and ideas.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into three paragraphs, but their effectiveness is limited by inconsistency in addressing separate ideas. For instance, the first paragraph attempts to introduce both economic benefits and social consequences in a single paragraph, leading to confusion. Additionally, the third paragraph, intended as a conclusion, lacks a clear summarization of the main arguments presented earlier.

  • How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, clearly supported by relevant examples and evidence. For example, dedicating one paragraph to economic benefits and another to social consequences would provide clarity. Moreover, the conclusion should succinctly recapitulate the key points discussed in the body paragraphs, reinforcing the overall stance taken on the essay prompt.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices such as "on the one hand," "but also," and "in conclusion." However, their usage is inconsistent, leading to disjointed text flow at times. There is a need for more varied cohesive devices (e.g., furthermore, nevertheless, therefore) to better connect ideas and improve coherence throughout the essay.

  • How to improve: To enhance cohesion, consciously incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices. Ensure their usage aligns with the logical progression of ideas. For instance, using "furthermore" to introduce additional points supporting economic benefits and "conversely" to transition to social consequences would strengthen the essay’s overall coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an attempt to address the prompt with balanced arguments, its coherence and cohesion are hampered by unclear organization, inconsistent paragraph structure, and limited use of cohesive devices. Improving these aspects will not only enhance readability but also strengthen the essay’s overall argumentative impact.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, though some expressions are imprecise or awkwardly phrased. For instance, phrases like "putting their soul on work" and "the proliferation of the economic" are not entirely clear. However, there are attempts to use varied vocabulary, such as "contributed their time," "sacrifice their personal time," and "falling victim to brutal issues."
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using more precise terms and idiomatic expressions where appropriate. For instance, replace "putting their soul on work" with "dedicating themselves to work," and instead of "the proliferation of the economic," use "economic growth."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: Vocabulary precision is inconsistent. While some terms are used correctly (e.g., "sacrifice their personal time"), others are less precise (e.g., "the percentage of jobseekers for around the world that have been attracted"). There are instances where more accurate phrasing could improve clarity.
  • How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that precisely conveys your intended meaning. For example, instead of "the percentage of jobseekers for around the world that have been attracted," say "the global demand for job opportunities."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally adequate, but there are noticeable errors such as "GPD" instead of "GDP" and occasional typos ("perspectively" instead of "perspectively").
  • How to improve: Proofread carefully to catch such errors. Additionally, consider using spell-check tools to ensure accuracy.

Overall, while the essay shows effort in using a variety of vocabulary and generally maintains correct spelling, there is room for improvement in precision and clarity of expression. Focus on refining vocabulary choices and ensuring accuracy in spelling to enhance the coherence and effectiveness of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to vary sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. For instance, it uses both dependent clauses ("Regions that tend to have the number of working hours than average are to gain popularity in the economy") and compound sentences ("But to the side of risks, dealing with extra hours of work it is not a simple thing when it posed a threat to the employee’s physical and mental health"). However, the variety is somewhat limited, with repetitive structures occasionally hindering readability and sophistication.
  • How to improve: To enhance sentence variety, consider incorporating more complex structures such as conditional sentences ("If countries reduce working hours, they may find productivity increases while social well-being improves"). Also, ensure clarity by avoiding overly complex sentences that may confuse the reader.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, though there are notable errors throughout. Examples include tense inconsistencies ("the tradition of working non-stop has been in their veins for centuries" should be "has been in their veins for centuries") and subject-verb agreement issues ("the percentage of jobseekers for around the world that have been attracted" should be "the percentage of jobseekers around the world who have been attracted"). Punctuation is used, but there are errors in comma placement and sentence boundary markers.
  • How to improve: Focus on mastering basic grammar rules, particularly regarding verb conjugation and subject-verb agreement. Review specific examples of errors in your writing to understand where improvements can be made. Additionally, pay attention to punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences and after introductory phrases.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates potential and a clear attempt to engage with the prompt, improvements in sentence structure variety and grammatical accuracy would further enhance clarity and coherence. Keep practicing to refine these skills, as they are essential for achieving higher band scores in IELTS writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Regions with longer working hours than the average are gaining popularity in the economy, but they are also likely to face social issues. I partly agree with this statement, and this essay will explain why.

On the one hand, it is true that devoting themselves to work contributes significantly to the economy. For instance, countries where workers contribute more hours tend to experience not only economic growth but also higher GDP. Take Koreans, for example, whose culture has ingrained the tradition of continuous work for centuries. This has attracted a significant percentage of job seekers worldwide.

However, on the other hand, there are risks associated with managing extra working hours. It is not straightforward to sacrifice personal time, typically reserved for leisure activities and social interactions, which are essential for enhancing soft skills needed for work. Moreover, insufficient rest can lead to severe issues such as depression. When workers do not receive adequate sleep or relaxation, their brains struggle to function effectively.

In conclusion, I partly agree with the statement because while longer working hours contribute to economic profits, they also pose dark sides, such as compromising personal well-being and social interactions. Achieving a balance between work productivity and personal health is crucial for sustainable economic success.