Some people think that society effects on the youth more than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Some people think that society effects on the youth more than their parents.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

The general public is believed to influence children more than their families. In my opinion, I totally agree with this idea for some reasons.
To begin with, the kids' curiosity about the world is enormous, especially the things which their families don’t have. For example, the environments such as schools, friends, social media,…, which we approach every day, have broadened our minds, for we have more knowledge and full awareness. This is the main contributor to the situation of the children being distant from those who nurture them and tend to leave their safety grounds. In addition, with the development of technology, children have spent a lot of time on social media which can make them addicted and change their actions because there are many interesting things and information which they are fond of and tend to be like that.
What’s more? Sometimes, parents are not the home for children to depend on. There are lots of situations in which kids lack parental love. So that the younger will be more affected by surrounded things such as their friends and their lovers. For instance, nowadays, there is a problem of the kids with their friends called peer pressure. Kids who have this state tend to pleasure their friends and don’t have their own opinions. This leads to the issue that they do what they don’t want and can be harmful for them.
In conclusion, Even though some people argue that the general public is not influenced as much by parental support, I am greatly in favor of influencing the public more than blood relations.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The general public is believed to influence children more than their families." -> "It is widely believed that the general public has a greater influence on children than their families."
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity. The revised version clarifies the subject and verb agreement, improving the sentence structure and formality.

2. "In my opinion, I totally agree with this idea for some reasons." -> "I strongly concur with this notion for several reasons."
   Explanation: The original phrase is redundant and informal. The suggested revision removes redundancy and enhances the formality of the statement.

3. "the kids’ curiosity about the world is enormous" -> "children’s curiosity about the world is immense"
   Explanation: "Kids" is too informal for academic writing; "children" is more appropriate. "Enormous" can be replaced with "immense" for a more formal tone.

4. "the environments such as schools, friends, social media,…," -> "environments such as schools, friendships, and social media,"
   Explanation: The ellipsis is incorrect and informal. The revised list is grammatically correct and maintains a formal tone.

5. "have broadened our minds, for we have more knowledge and full awareness." -> "have broadened our perspectives, providing us with greater knowledge and awareness."
   Explanation: "Broadened our minds" is somewhat vague and informal. "Broadened our perspectives" is more precise and formal. The phrase "providing us with" is clearer and more academic than "for we have."

6. "the situation of the children being distant from those who nurture them" -> "the situation in which children become detached from their caregivers"
   Explanation: "The situation of the children being distant" is awkward and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and uses more formal language.

7. "with the development of technology, children have spent a lot of time on social media which can make them addicted" -> "with the advent of technology, children spend considerable time on social media, which can lead to addiction"
   Explanation: "Have spent a lot of time" is informal and imprecise. "Spend considerable time" is more formal and precise. "Can make them addicted" is also informal; "can lead to addiction" is more appropriate for academic writing.

8. "What’s more?" -> "Furthermore,"
   Explanation: "What’s more?" is too informal for academic writing. "Furthermore," is a more appropriate transitional phrase.

9. "Sometimes, parents are not the home for children to depend on." -> "Occasionally, parents are not the primary source of support for children."
   Explanation: "Not the home for children to depend on" is unclear and informal. The revision clarifies the meaning and uses more formal language.

10. "So that the younger will be more affected" -> "Thus, the younger generation is more susceptible to influence"
    Explanation: "So that the younger will be more affected" is grammatically incorrect and informal. The suggested revision corrects the grammar and enhances formality.

11. "kids with their friends called peer pressure" -> "children experiencing peer pressure from their peers"
    Explanation: "Kids with their friends called peer pressure" is awkward and informal. The revision clarifies the meaning and uses more formal language.

12. "Kids who have this state tend to pleasure their friends" -> "Individuals experiencing this phenomenon tend to prioritize pleasing their peers"
    Explanation: "Kids who have this state" is informal and unclear. "Individuals experiencing this phenomenon" is more precise and formal. "Pleasure their friends" is awkward; "prioritize pleasing their peers" is clearer and more appropriate.

13. "do what they don’t want and can be harmful for them" -> "engage in behaviors they do not desire, which can be detrimental to their well-being"
    Explanation: "Do what they don’t want and can be harmful for them" is informal and lacks precision. The suggested revision uses more formal language and clarifies the consequences.

14. "Even though some people argue that the general public is not influenced as much by parental support" -> "Although some argue that the general public is less influenced by parental support"
    Explanation: "Even though" is slightly informal; "Although" is more formal. The phrase "is not influenced as much by" is awkward; "is less influenced by" is clearer and more direct.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by stating a clear agreement with the idea that society influences youth more than parents. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the argument, and the body paragraphs provide reasons supporting this stance. However, while the essay does touch on the influence of peers and social media, it could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the role of parents in the discussion. For instance, the essay mentions a lack of parental love but does not fully explore how this contrasts with societal influences.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that all aspects of the prompt are thoroughly explored. This could involve discussing not only the negative influences of society but also how parental roles can sometimes mitigate these influences. A balanced view that acknowledges both sides can strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that society has a greater influence on youth than parents. Phrases like "I totally agree with this idea" establish a strong stance. However, the conclusion introduces some ambiguity with the phrase "Even though some people argue that the general public is not influenced as much by parental support." This could confuse readers about the writer’s true position.
  • How to improve: To maintain clarity, the writer should ensure that the conclusion reinforces their main argument without introducing conflicting ideas. A more definitive statement in the conclusion that reiterates the main points discussed would help solidify the position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding societal influence, such as peer pressure and the impact of social media. However, some points are not fully developed. For instance, the discussion on social media could include specific examples of how it affects behavior or decision-making. Additionally, the argument about parental absence is mentioned but lacks depth and supporting evidence.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with specific examples and explanations. Including statistics, studies, or more detailed anecdotes could provide stronger support for the claims made.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the influence of society versus parents. However, there are moments where the discussion could stray slightly, such as when mentioning "the kids with their friends called peer pressure." While relevant, the phrasing is somewhat vague and could lead to confusion about the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all examples directly relate back to the central thesis. Using clear topic sentences for each paragraph that link back to the main argument can help keep the discussion on track. Additionally, avoiding vague language and ensuring clarity in examples will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there are areas for improvement in depth, clarity, and balance. By addressing these points, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that supports the idea that society influences youth more than their parents. The introduction effectively states the writer’s position, and the body paragraphs provide reasons and examples to back this claim. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing curiosity about the world to the impact of social media feels abrupt. The ideas within paragraphs are somewhat related but could benefit from clearer connections to enhance overall coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using topic sentences that clearly outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, employing transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "Moreover") can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly. Ensure that each paragraph builds on the previous one, creating a more cohesive narrative throughout the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a positive aspect. However, the structure within the paragraphs could be more effective. For example, the second paragraph discusses multiple points (curiosity and social media) but lacks a clear internal structure, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument. The final paragraph also introduces a new idea about parental support without adequately linking it back to the main argument.
  • How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea, supported by examples and explanations. Consider breaking down complex ideas into separate paragraphs. For instance, one paragraph could focus solely on the influence of social media, while another could address peer pressure. This will help maintain clarity and allow for deeper exploration of each point.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for example" and "in addition," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences feel disjointed. For instance, the phrase "What’s more?" is informal and does not effectively transition to the subsequent point about parental influence.
  • How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Additionally," "Conversely," or "On the other hand" to create more nuanced connections between ideas. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are appropriate for the context; for example, replacing informal phrases with more formal transitions will enhance the overall academic tone of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, enhancing the organization, paragraph structure, and use of cohesive devices will significantly improve coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "curiosity," "influence," "addicted," and "peer pressure" being effectively used. However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "influence children" and "affect by surrounded things," which detracts from the overall lexical variety. The use of "surrounded things" is vague and lacks sophistication, which could be improved.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more specific terms. For example, instead of repeating "influence," alternatives like "impact," "shape," or "mold" could be used. Additionally, replacing "surrounded things" with "external influences" or "environmental factors" would provide clarity and sophistication.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the environments such as schools, friends, social media,…," where the term "environments" is too broad and could be more accurately described as "social contexts" or "settings." Furthermore, the phrase "the younger will be more affected by surrounded things" is awkward and unclear, which can confuse the reader regarding the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that convey the intended meaning more clearly. For example, instead of "the younger," using "younger individuals" or "youth" would enhance clarity. Additionally, the writer should ensure that phrases are grammatically correct and contextually appropriate, such as changing "the kids with their friends called peer pressure" to "the issue of peer pressure among friends."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "effects" instead of "affects" in the prompt, which may lead to confusion regarding the intended meaning. Additionally, the phrase "what’s more?" is informal and should be avoided in academic writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, focusing on commonly confused words and ensuring that all terms are spelled correctly. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Furthermore, adopting a more formal tone by replacing informal phrases with academic equivalents, such as "Furthermore" or "Additionally," would improve the overall quality of the writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary suitable for the topic, there are clear areas for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For instance, the use of simple sentences like "In my opinion, I totally agree with this idea for some reasons." is clear but lacks complexity. There are attempts at more complex structures, such as "This is the main contributor to the situation of the children being distant from those who nurture them," but they are not consistently varied throughout the essay. The use of phrases like "what’s more?" attempts to introduce additional points, but it is somewhat informal and disrupts the academic tone.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more compound and complex sentences. For example, instead of using "In addition, with the development of technology, children have spent a lot of time on social media," the writer could say, "With the rapid development of technology, children not only spend a significant amount of time on social media but also become increasingly influenced by its content." This not only combines ideas but also adds depth to the argument.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "the environments such as schools, friends, social media,…, which we approach every day," includes an incorrect use of ellipses and an awkward structure. Additionally, the sentence "So that the younger will be more affected by surrounded things such as their friends and their lovers" is grammatically incorrect; it should be rephrased for clarity and correctness. The use of "what’s more?" is also informal and does not fit the academic context.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, proper use of conjunctions, and avoiding sentence fragments. For example, the sentence "So that the younger will be more affected by surrounded things" could be revised to "As a result, younger individuals are more likely to be influenced by their surroundings, including friends and romantic partners." Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding commas and conjunctions, will help improve overall clarity and coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and attempts to convey a clear opinion, there are significant areas for improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy. By diversifying sentence structures and focusing on grammatical correctness, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The general public is believed to influence children more than their families. In my opinion, I strongly concur with this notion for several reasons.

To begin with, children’s curiosity about the world is immense, especially regarding things that their families may not provide. For example, environments such as schools, friendships, and social media, which they encounter every day, have broadened their perspectives, providing them with greater knowledge and awareness. This is the main contributor to the situation in which children become detached from those who nurture them and tend to leave their safe spaces. In addition, with the advent of technology, children spend considerable time on social media, which can lead to addiction and change their behavior because there are many interesting things and information that they are fond of.

Furthermore, occasionally, parents are not the primary source of support for children. There are many situations in which kids lack parental love. Thus, the younger generation is more susceptible to influence from their surroundings, such as their friends and peers. For instance, nowadays, there is a problem among children regarding peer pressure. Kids experiencing this phenomenon tend to prioritize pleasing their friends and often do not express their own opinions. This leads to the issue of them engaging in behaviors they do not desire, which can be detrimental to their well-being.

In conclusion, although some people argue that the general public is less influenced by parental support, I am greatly in favor of the idea that the public influences children more than their families do.