the chart below shows information about students studying 6 main subjects at a us university in 2010

The bar chart presents data on the number of students who study six primary subject at a US university in 2010

Overall, it is clear that finance was the most prevalent while the least is engineering. Additionally, mathematics has the biggest gap in students whereas finace has the smallest.

In details, among six subjects, mathematics has the biggest gap between men and women students, with 200 men students compared to around 60 women students, resulting in an 140 disparity, highlighting a significant gender gap. Economics showed a smaller difference, with 150 male learners compared to around 80 female learners, a difference of 70. In marketing, female pupils moderately outnumbered male pupils with around 80 compared to 120, indicating a difference of 40 pupils.

For finance, the differences were none, the number of male and female participants were equal, at around 230 participants. In accounting, the number of male and female enrollees were quite similar, with around 170 male enrollees and around 200 female enrollees, resulting in a difference of 30 enrollees. In engineering, this subject is not only the least favourite subject but it also has the smallest gender gap with around 60 male scholars compared to 50 female scholars, showing a small difference of 10 scholars.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the number of students who study six primary subject" -> "the number of students studying six primary subjects"
Explanation: Adding "ing" to "study" corrects the verb form to match the present participle needed for the gerund phrase. Also, "primary subject" should be pluralized to "primary subjects" to accurately reflect the multiple subjects being studied.
"it is clear that finance was the most prevalent while the least is engineering" -> "it is evident that finance was the most prevalent, while engineering was the least popular"
Explanation: "It is evident" is a more formal alternative to "it is clear," and "while engineering was the least popular" corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the comparison.
"mathematics has the biggest gap in students whereas finace has the smallest" -> "mathematics exhibits the largest gender disparity, whereas finance has the smallest"
Explanation: "Exhibits the largest gender disparity" is more precise and formal than "has the biggest gap in students," which is vague and informal. "Finance" should be corrected to "finance" for spelling.
"In details" -> "In detail"
Explanation: "In detail" should be a singular noun to correctly match the possessive form "In detail."
"male learners" -> "male students"
Explanation: "Learners" is less specific and can be replaced with "students" for clarity and formality in academic writing.
"female pupils" -> "female students"
Explanation: Consistency in terminology is maintained by using "students" throughout the essay, avoiding the less formal "pupils."
"the differences were none" -> "there were no differences"
Explanation: "There were no differences" is a more natural and formal way to express the absence of differences.
"the number of male and female participants were quite similar" -> "the numbers of male and female participants were comparable"
Explanation: "Comparable" is a more precise and formal term than "quite similar," and "numbers" should be plural to match the plural subject.
"resulting in a difference of 30 enrollees" -> "yielding a difference of 30 students"
Explanation: "Yielding" is a more formal synonym for "resulting," and "students" is the correct term to use here, replacing "enrollees" which is less commonly used in this context.
"this subject is not only the least favourite subject" -> "this subject is not only the least favored"
Explanation: "Favored" should be used instead of "favourite" for consistency with American English usage in academic texts.
"but it also has the smallest gender gap with around 60 male scholars compared to 50 female scholars" -> "but it also exhibits the smallest gender gap, with approximately 60 male scholars compared to 50 female scholars"
Explanation: "Exhibits" is a more formal verb choice, and "approximately" is preferred over "around" for a more academic tone.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, highlighting the most popular and least popular subjects, as well as the largest and smallest gender gaps. The essay also presents key features of the data, such as the number of male and female students in each subject. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features, and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "the differences were none" for finance, but the chart shows that there is a small difference between the number of male and female students in this subject.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed analysis of the data. For example, the essay could calculate the percentage of male and female students in each subject, or it could compare the gender gaps in different subjects. The essay could also be improved by avoiding irrelevant or inaccurate details. For example, the essay should not state that "the differences were none" for finance, as this is not accurate. Instead, the essay should state that there is a small difference between the number of male and female students in this subject.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information on the bar chart with some organization, but there are notable issues with overall progression and coherence. While it attempts to describe the data, the lack of clear referencing and the repetitive nature of some phrases detract from the clarity of the argument. The use of cohesive devices is inconsistent, leading to a somewhat mechanical flow of ideas. Paragraphing is present but not always effective, as some paragraphs could be better structured to enhance clarity.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow of information by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that ideas are connected more fluidly. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately can help avoid repetition and enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, refining the paragraph structure to ensure that each one logically progresses from the previous one would significantly improve clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with attempts to use less common terms such as "prevalent," "disparity," and "enrollees." However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and spelling, such as "finace" instead of "finance" and "pupils" when "students" would be more appropriate in this context. While the vocabulary used does not impede communication, the errors and occasional awkward phrasing detract from the overall effectiveness of the lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on the following:

Expand Vocabulary: Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, especially synonyms and less common lexical items, to convey precise meanings and avoid repetition.
Check Spelling: Ensure that all words are spelled correctly, as spelling errors can negatively impact the impression of lexical resource.
Use Appropriate Terms: Opt for more suitable terms in context (e.g., using "students" consistently instead of switching to "pupils").
Practice Collocation: Improve awareness of collocations to ensure that word combinations sound natural and are contextually appropriate.
Revise for Clarity: Review sentences for clarity and coherence, ensuring that the vocabulary used contributes effectively to the overall message.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. While there are some attempts at complex structures, the overall grammatical accuracy is inconsistent. There are noticeable errors in grammar and punctuation, such as "the least is engineering" (which should be "the least popular subject is engineering") and "resulting in an 140 disparity" (should be "resulting in a disparity of 140"). These errors do not significantly impede communication, but they do detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate more complex sentence structures and ensure they are grammatically accurate.
Proofreading: Carefully check for grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes before finalizing the essay.
Clarity and Precision: Use precise language to convey ideas clearly, avoiding vague phrases and ensuring that comparisons are clearly articulated.
Consistent Terminology: Ensure that terms are used consistently and accurately throughout the essay to maintain clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart presents data on the number of students who study six primary subjects at a US university in 2010.

Overall, it is clear that finance was the most prevalent subject, while engineering was the least popular. Additionally, mathematics has the largest gap in student numbers, whereas finance has the smallest.

In detail, among the six subjects, mathematics has the biggest gap between male and female students, with 200 male students compared to around 60 female students, resulting in a disparity of 140, highlighting a significant gender gap. Economics showed a smaller difference, with 150 male learners compared to around 80 female learners, a difference of 70. In marketing, female pupils moderately outnumbered male pupils, with around 80 compared to 120, indicating a difference of 40 pupils.

For finance, there was no difference; the number of male and female participants was equal, at around 230 participants. In accounting, the number of male and female enrollees was quite similar, with around 170 male enrollees and around 200 female enrollees, resulting in a difference of 30 enrollees. In engineering, this subject was not only the least popular but also had the smallest gender gap, with around 60 male scholars compared to 50 female scholars, showing a small difference of 10 scholars.