Some people believe that technology is making people less sociable. Others argue that technology is improving communication between people. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people believe that technology is making people less sociable. Others argue that
technology is improving communication between people. Discuss both views and give your
own opinion.

In the digital era, technology assumes pivotal factor in human advancement, beside that the impact of high-tech garments is still a controversial topic worldwide. Those who hold the belief that technology makes people more prone to be less sociable while a portion of the populace contends that it is a highly efficacious tool to improve communication skills between humans. In my subjective view point, I am in favor of the latter suggestion; this essay endeavors to meticulously examine both perspectives and provide reasoned conclusion.

Those wholes opposed to merit-based technology argue that it is as the underlying cause of face-to-face communication reduction due to a possession influx of social media apps in today's society general populace effortlessly makes a call as well as video meetings by using usual devices which leads to the devoid of ample opportunity for human interaction, became intangible differences. They contend that people are abusing state-of-the-art technology to enhance life quality due to its practicality and multifaced capabilities so a perilous issue is generated from inherent tendency, consequently, an individual has resorted to over-using or captivating them instead of setting arrangements. As more complete picture, the individual is in a restricted environment and absence of transferable skills applicable in various fields

Conversely, proponents of universally popularizing that telecommunication acknowledge that human-serving living serves as the cornerstone of modern society due to its flexibility and the convenience it brings to life through connecting people regardless of distance separation. Technology meets the demand in retain family dynamics or relationships with friends which is critically important, can be seen a valuable catalyst in personal advancement. Technology not only help humans across geographical challenges, it also enables individuals to avail themselves of dives possibilities to immerses themselves in novel locales and cultures by a few simple keystrokes. This though underscored the belief that technology should be recognized as a highly efficacious tool to enhance communication skills.

As all things considered above, everything has its downside and technology is no expectation. In my view, the benefits that a telecommunication which can bring to human for outweight its detrimental effect, assumed indispensable factor in recent society.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "technology assumes pivotal factor" -> "technology plays a pivotal role"
   Explanation: "Assumes pivotal factor" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Plays a pivotal role" is grammatically correct and more formal, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

2. "beside that" -> "besides the fact that"
   Explanation: "Beside that" is an informal and incorrect usage. "Besides the fact that" is the correct phrase for introducing a contrasting idea in formal writing.

3. "high-tech garments" -> "advanced technology"
   Explanation: "High-tech garments" is a misnomer and unclear. "Advanced technology" is the correct term, providing clarity and specificity in the context of technological advancements.

4. "in my subjective view point" -> "in my subjective viewpoint"
   Explanation: "View point" is a common error; "viewpoint" is the correct term, which is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

5. "meticulously examine" -> "carefully examine"
   Explanation: "Meticulously" is often used to describe attention to detail in actions, not examination. "Carefully examine" is more appropriate for the context of analyzing perspectives.

6. "reasoned conclusion" -> "well-reasoned conclusion"
   Explanation: Adding "well-" to "reasoned" emphasizes the thoroughness and quality of the conclusion, enhancing the academic tone.

7. "wholes opposed to" -> "those who are opposed to"
   Explanation: "Wholes" is incorrect; "those who are opposed to" is grammatically correct and clearer.

8. "as the underlying cause of face-to-face communication reduction" -> "as a contributing factor to the reduction of face-to-face communication"
   Explanation: "As the underlying cause" is too absolute and lacks nuance. "As a contributing factor" is more accurate and acknowledges the complexity of the issue.

9. "possession influx of social media apps" -> "influx of social media apps"
   Explanation: "Possession influx" is awkward and incorrect. "Influx" alone is sufficient and more natural in this context.

10. "makes a call as well as video meetings" -> "makes phone calls as well as conducts video meetings"
    Explanation: "Makes a call" is informal and vague; "makes phone calls" is more specific and formal. "Conducts" is also more precise than "makes" in the context of video meetings.

11. "devoid of ample opportunity" -> "lacking ample opportunities"
    Explanation: "Devoid of" is somewhat archaic and less commonly used in modern academic writing. "Lacking" is more contemporary and appropriate.

12. "became intangible differences" -> "resulted in intangible differences"
    Explanation: "Became" is incorrect in this context; "resulted in" is the correct phrase to indicate the outcome of an action.

13. "multifaced capabilities" -> "multifaceted capabilities"
    Explanation: "Multifaced" is a typographical error; "multifaceted" is the correct term, meaning complex and varied in nature.

14. "universally popularizing that telecommunication" -> "the widespread adoption of telecommunications"
    Explanation: "Universally popularizing that telecommunication" is awkward and unclear. "The widespread adoption of telecommunications" is clearer and more formal.

15. "human-serving living" -> "human-centric living"
    Explanation: "Human-serving living" is unclear and awkward. "Human-centric living" is a more precise and commonly used term in academic discourse.

16. "help humans across geographical challenges" -> "facilitate communication across geographical distances"
    Explanation: "Help humans across geographical challenges" is vague and informal. "Facilitate communication across geographical distances" is more specific and formal, focusing on the precise aspect of technology’s role in communication.

17. "dives possibilities" -> "diverse possibilities"
    Explanation: "Dives" is a typographical error; "diverse" is the correct word, meaning varied and numerous.

18. "immerses themselves" -> "immerse themselves"
    Explanation: "Immerses" is the correct form of the verb when referring to the action of immersion, not "immerses" which is the third person singular form.

19. "no expectation" -> "no exception"
    Explanation: "No expectation" is incorrect in this context. "No exception" is the correct phrase to indicate that technology is not an exception to the general rule or trend.

20. "for outweight its detrimental effect" -> "outweigh its detrimental effects"
    Explanation: "For outweight" is grammatically incorrect. "Outweigh" should not be preceded by "for," and "effects" should be plural to match the generalization being made.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both perspectives outlined in the prompt: technology making people less sociable versus improving communication. It acknowledges the arguments from both sides but tends to lean more towards technology improving communication.
  • How to improve: To improve, ensure each perspective is balanced in depth and addressed comprehensively. The essay could benefit from clearer delineation between the arguments presented and a stronger integration of personal opinion throughout.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay states a clear position supporting the view that technology improves communication. This position is maintained consistently throughout the essay, although it could be further reinforced with more detailed examples and analysis.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the clarity of the position by providing specific examples or scenarios where technology has distinctly enhanced communication, thereby bolstering the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented, but the development and support are somewhat lacking in coherence and depth. For instance, while discussing the negative impacts of technology on sociability, the essay mentions social media and video calls but lacks specific examples or studies to substantiate these claims.
  • How to improve: Extend ideas by providing concrete examples, statistics, or studies that illustrate the points made about technology’s impact on sociability and communication. This will add depth and credibility to the arguments presented.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but occasionally drifts into general statements that are not directly related to the prompt. For instance, it briefly mentions technology’s impact on personal advancement and cultural immersion, which although related to communication, are not directly addressing the sociability aspect.
  • How to improve: To stay more focused, ensure all points directly relate back to the core arguments about sociability versus communication enhancement. Avoid tangential discussions that dilute the main theme of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents a clear opinion throughout, there is room for improvement in balancing the discussion of both perspectives, providing more detailed support for ideas, and maintaining a more focused approach. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay could achieve a higher band score by better meeting the criteria for Task Response in an IELTS Task 2 essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to structure its arguments, but there are noticeable issues with logical organization. For instance, the introduction lacks clarity and coherence in presenting the two viewpoints, and transitions between ideas throughout the body paragraphs are abrupt. While the essay addresses both perspectives, the development of each argument lacks a clear progression, making it challenging for the reader to follow the flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on creating a clear and structured essay outline before writing. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that links back to the thesis statement and effectively transitions to the next point. Utilize cohesive devices such as transitional phrases (e.g., "on the other hand," "conversely") to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay makes an attempt to use paragraphs, but they are uneven in length and lack coherence within themselves. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear separation, while others are overly brief. This inconsistency affects the overall structure and readability of the essay.
  • How to improve: Aim for a consistent paragraph structure where each paragraph focuses on one main idea supported by relevant details and examples. Ensure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that relates to the thesis statement. Consider revising paragraph breaks to improve the flow and coherence of ideas, particularly within body paragraphs discussing each viewpoint.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use cohesive devices such as conjunctions and transitional phrases, but they are used inconsistently and sometimes incorrectly. For example, there are abrupt transitions between paragraphs, and some sentences lack connection to preceding ideas. While some cohesive devices are evident, their effective use to connect ideas and maintain coherence throughout the essay is limited.
  • How to improve: Increase the variety and consistency of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. Use a mix of transitional words and phrases (e.g., "furthermore," "however," "in contrast") to establish clear connections between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure each cohesive device serves the purpose of guiding the reader through the logical progression of arguments, helping to unify the essay’s overall structure.

Overall, while the essay attempts to address the prompt and presents arguments for both perspectives, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive device usage are crucial to achieving a higher coherence and cohesion score. Focus on creating a well-structured outline, maintaining consistency in paragraph development, and utilizing cohesive devices effectively to enhance the clarity and coherence of your ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There are attempts to use varied vocabulary, such as "pivotal factor," "high-tech garments," "efficacious," "merit-based," "multifaced," and "catalyst," though some usage lacks precision or appropriateness.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, aim for more precise and contextually appropriate terms. For instance, instead of "high-tech garments," consider "technological advancements" or "digital innovations." Ensure that vocabulary choices directly support and clarify your arguments.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage throughout the essay. For example, "merit-based technology" could be clarified further, and "universalizing that telecommunication" could be more clearly expressed.
  • How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that is specific and accurately conveys your intended meaning. Review each term to ensure it aligns with the context and argument you are presenting.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally adequate, with few errors observed ("wholes" instead of "those," "dives" instead of "diverse"). However, there are occasional typos and incorrect word choices.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading carefully for typos and ensure correct word usage. Review common errors and practice writing with attention to detail.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource suitable for a Band 6, further refinement in vocabulary precision and spelling accuracy would strengthen the clarity and impact of your arguments. Focus on using vocabulary that not only showcases range but also enhances the coherence and persuasiveness of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a varied but inconsistent range of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are used, although some sentences lack clarity or coherence, affecting overall fluency. For instance, the sentence "In the digital era, technology assumes pivotal factor in human advancement, beside that the impact of high-tech garments is still a controversial topic worldwide" attempts a complex structure but lacks clarity due to awkward phrasing.
  • How to improve: To enhance sentence variety and effectiveness, aim for clearer and more concise expressions. Utilize complex structures more consistently to demonstrate a higher level of grammatical sophistication. For example, simplify overly complex sentences into clearer constructions to improve readability and coherence.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate level of grammatical accuracy with occasional errors. For instance, "telecommunication acknowledge that human-serving living serves as the cornerstone" contains errors in subject-verb agreement and awkward phrasing. Punctuation is generally adequate but inconsistent, with occasional missing or misused commas and awkward sentence breaks.
  • How to improve: Focus on improving grammatical accuracy by reviewing subject-verb agreements and sentence structures. Ensure commas are used correctly to clarify meaning and aid readability. For instance, revising sentences for clarity and accuracy could significantly enhance the overall coherence and impact of your writing.

Overall, while your essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammar and a varied sentence structure, consistency and clarity could be improved to achieve a higher band score. Focus on refining complex sentence structures and ensuring grammatical accuracy throughout to elevate the overall quality of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the digital era, technology plays a pivotal role in human advancement. Besides the fact that the impact of high-tech gadgets remains a controversial topic worldwide, there are differing views on its effect on sociability. Some argue that technology makes people less sociable, while others contend that it improves communication between individuals. In my subjective viewpoint, I support the latter perspective. This essay aims to carefully examine both sides and offer a well-reasoned conclusion.

Those who are opposed to advanced technology argue that it contributes to the reduction of face-to-face communication. This is primarily due to the influx of social media apps in today’s society. The general populace now effortlessly makes phone calls and conducts video meetings using common devices, which has led to a lack of ample opportunities for in-person interaction, resulting in intangible differences. Critics argue that people often misuse state-of-the-art technology, prioritizing convenience and multifaceted capabilities over meaningful personal interactions. Consequently, individuals tend to overuse technology rather than engage in face-to-face interactions, limiting their interpersonal skills applicable in various settings.

Conversely, advocates of widespread telecommunication argue that it facilitates communication across geographical distances, which is essential for maintaining family dynamics and friendships. Technology serves as a valuable catalyst in personal advancement, enabling individuals to immerse themselves in diverse possibilities and cultures with just a few keystrokes. This underscores the belief that technology can significantly enhance communication skills and bridge gaps between people.

Considering both perspectives, every innovation has its drawbacks, and technology is no exception. However, in my view, the benefits that telecommunications bring to human connectivity outweigh its detrimental effects. It is an indispensable factor in modern society, promoting efficient communication and enriching human interaction despite physical barriers.

This improved essay maintains the original vocabulary and structure while refining grammar and clarity to enhance readability.