Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effects on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is argued that one of the most effective approach to get the social health better is building number of sports amenities, while the others are in doubt about this point of view. From my perspectives, even though sports infrastructure needs to be invested more, I agree with latter opinion that communal health improvement relies on many measures to encourage the well-being of people.
It is undeniable that sports play a crucial role in our life, especially in sedentary lifestyle of cutting-edge era. The expansion of sports amenities would give the citizens more opportunities to engage in a variety of distinct sports clubs or classes such as yoga clubs, dancing classes or table tennis clubs, running, swimming… Moreover, locals could choose to play a sport appropriate to their own personality, age, physical health or even budget. As a result, they could enhance their personal health, immune system is stronger than who does not exercise regularly. Every 4 AM in the morning, I wake up and go to running 5km, it makes me feel comfortable and reduce my stress, ready for a heavy working day with computer.
On the other hand, most of health issues do not come from lack of places or opportunities for training, but from a lack of motivation with self-consciousness. Every individual possesses own health, it means when people understands about the adverse consequences of a plethora of ailments such as obesity, cardio vascular diseases and even cancer, they would take into actions to prevent from negative influences. Beside of that, early diagnosis and applying advanced technology in healthcare industry have to be paid attention by authority.
In conclusion, while the rapid spread of sports facilities could be pivotal component in boosting civil health, it should be integrated into a comprehensive strategy that addresses the multifaceted determinants controlling health process. Therefore, civic campaigns and health protection programs need to be unfolded rapidly to equip the citizens with sufficient knowledge about protecting their health effective and avoiding from other health potential problems.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is argued that one of the most effective approach to get the social health better" -> "It is argued that one of the most effective approaches to improve social health is"
Explanation: Correcting "approach" to "approaches" and "get the social health better" to "improve social health" corrects grammatical errors and enhances the formal tone by using a more precise verb.
"building number of sports amenities" -> "constructing a greater number of sports facilities"
Explanation: Replacing "building number of" with "constructing a greater number of" and "amenities" with "facilities" refines the language to be more specific and formal.
"From my perspectives" -> "From my perspective"
Explanation: Changing "perspectives" to "perspective" corrects the grammatical error and aligns with the singular subject "my."
"sports infrastructure needs to be invested more" -> "investment in sports infrastructure should increase"
Explanation: Replacing "needs to be invested more" with "should increase" provides a more direct and formal expression.
"I agree with latter opinion" -> "I agree with the latter opinion"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "latter" corrects the grammatical error and enhances readability.
"communal health improvement relies on many measures" -> "community health improvement relies on various measures"
Explanation: Replacing "communal" with "community" and "many" with "various" uses more precise and formal vocabulary.
"cutting-edge era" -> "contemporary era"
Explanation: Replacing "cutting-edge" with "contemporary" avoids the colloquial tone and maintains a more formal academic style.
"give the citizens more opportunities" -> "provide citizens with more opportunities"
Explanation: Changing "give the citizens" to "provide citizens with" uses a more formal and active voice.
"immune system is stronger than who does not exercise regularly" -> "the immune system is stronger than that of those who do not exercise regularly"
Explanation: Correcting "who" to "that of those" and "does not" to "do not" improves grammatical accuracy and clarity.
"Every 4 AM in the morning, I wake up and go to running 5km" -> "Every morning at 4 AM, I wake up and go for a 5km run"
Explanation: Changing "in the morning" to "morning at" and "running" to "go for a run" corrects the time expression and verb usage for a more natural and formal tone.
"Beside of that" -> "Besides that"
Explanation: Correcting "Beside of" to "Besides" fixes a grammatical error and enhances the formal tone.
"early diagnosis and applying advanced technology in healthcare industry have to be paid attention by authority" -> "early diagnosis and the application of advanced technology in the healthcare industry must be prioritized by authorities"
Explanation: Replacing "have to be paid attention by" with "must be prioritized by" and "authority" with "authorities" corrects grammatical errors and enhances the formality and clarity.
"civic campaigns and health protection programs need to be unfolded rapidly" -> "civic campaigns and health protection programs must be implemented rapidly"
Explanation: Replacing "unfolded" with "implemented" corrects the verb choice for the context, and "need" with "must" strengthens the imperative tone.
"equipped the citizens with sufficient knowledge about protecting their health effective and avoiding from other health potential problems" -> "equipped citizens with sufficient knowledge about protecting their health effectively and avoiding other potential health problems"
Explanation: Correcting "protecting their health effective" to "protecting their health effectively" and "avoiding from" to "avoiding" corrects grammatical errors and enhances readability.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding the impact of increasing sports facilities on public health. The first part discusses the benefits of sports facilities, highlighting how they provide opportunities for physical activity. The second part counters this by suggesting that motivation and awareness of health issues are more critical factors. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit discussion of the opposing view before presenting the author’s opinion, which is somewhat buried in the introduction.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure that both perspectives are clearly articulated and balanced. Start by briefly outlining the argument for increasing sports facilities, followed by a clear transition to the opposing view. This will help in addressing all parts of the question more comprehensively.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that while sports facilities are important, they are not the sole solution for improving public health. However, the phrasing in the introduction ("I agree with latter opinion") could be clearer. The position is somewhat diluted by the way the argument is structured, leading to potential confusion about the author’s stance.
- How to improve: Strengthen the clarity of your position by explicitly stating your opinion in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion. Use phrases like "In my opinion" or "I believe" to reinforce your stance and ensure it is consistently reflected throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the importance of sports facilities and the need for motivation and awareness regarding health. However, some points lack depth and specific examples. For instance, while the essay mentions various sports activities, it does not elaborate on how these activities directly contribute to health improvements. Additionally, the argument about motivation is introduced but not fully developed.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, provide specific examples or statistics that illustrate how sports facilities can improve health outcomes. Similarly, when discussing motivation, consider including examples of successful public health campaigns or programs that have effectively increased awareness and participation in physical activity.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the relationship between sports facilities and public health. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, such as the personal anecdote about the author’s morning routine. While personal experiences can enrich an essay, they should be relevant and directly support the argument being made.
- How to improve: Ensure that personal anecdotes are directly tied to the main argument. If you choose to include personal experiences, explicitly connect them to the broader discussion of public health and sports facilities. This will help maintain focus and relevance throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view. By addressing the areas for improvement, the essay could achieve a higher band score in Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both viewpoints, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of sports facilities to the counterargument about motivation feels abrupt. The ideas within paragraphs are generally coherent, but some sentences lack clear connections, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument. For example, the phrase "Every 4 AM in the morning, I wake up and go to running 5km" could be better integrated to illustrate a point rather than standing alone.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows the previous one. Using transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In contrast," or "For example," can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in length and depth. The first body paragraph is quite lengthy and covers multiple ideas, which may overwhelm the reader. The second body paragraph is shorter and less developed, leading to an imbalance in the discussion of both viewpoints.
- How to improve: Aim for more uniform paragraph lengths by expanding on the ideas in the shorter paragraph. Each paragraph should ideally cover one main idea, supported by examples and explanations. This will not only improve readability but also ensure that both sides of the argument are given equal weight.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the other hand" and "Moreover," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be clearer. For example, the use of "Beside of that" is awkward and less formal, which detracts from the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. Consider using terms like "Additionally," "Conversely," "In addition," and "Consequently" to create smoother transitions between ideas. Also, ensure that the chosen devices fit the context and maintain a formal tone throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on logical organization, balanced paragraphing, and a broader range of cohesive devices will enhance clarity and coherence, potentially raising the band score further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "sports amenities," "sedentary lifestyle," and "communal health improvement." However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the phrase "building number of sports amenities" could be expressed more fluidly as "increasing the number of sports facilities." Additionally, phrases like "cutting-edge era" are somewhat clichéd and could be replaced with more original expressions.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and varied expressions throughout the essay. For instance, instead of repeating "sports," consider using "athletics," "physical activities," or "exercise programs." Engaging with a thesaurus or reading widely can help in discovering new vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the immune system is stronger than who does not exercise regularly" is awkwardly constructed and could be clearer. The term "self-consciousness" in the context of motivation is also misleading; "self-awareness" or "self-motivation" would be more appropriate. Additionally, "a plethora of ailments" is a bit too formal and could be simplified to "many health issues."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on the context in which words are used. Reading more academic essays can help identify how to use vocabulary appropriately. Additionally, practicing paraphrasing sentences can aid in finding more precise terms that fit the intended meaning.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "approach" (should be "approaches"), "the latter opinion" (should be "the latter"), and "cardio vascular diseases" (should be "cardiovascular diseases"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the essay and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, keeping a list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, there are areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "it is argued that" and "on the other hand" indicates an attempt to incorporate different structures. However, the overall range is somewhat limited, and some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "it means when people understands about the adverse consequences." This affects the clarity and flow of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice using more complex sentences and varying sentence beginnings. For example, instead of starting many sentences with "it is" or "the," the writer can use participial phrases or subordinate clauses. Additionally, integrating more conditional sentences (e.g., "If more sports facilities are built, people may be more inclined to exercise") could add depth to the argument.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall effectiveness. For example, "one of the most effective approach" should be "one of the most effective approaches," and "the latter opinion" should be preceded by "the" to clarify which opinion is being referenced. Additionally, commas are often missing where they are needed, such as before conjunctions in compound sentences (e.g., "it makes me feel comfortable and reduce my stress" should be "it makes me feel comfortable and reduces my stress").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and practicing with exercises focused on these areas can be beneficial. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors, especially in complex sentences, would help enhance clarity. Reading more academic texts can also help the writer internalize correct grammatical structures and punctuation usage.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and attempts to engage with the topic, addressing these grammatical range and accuracy issues will significantly improve the quality of the writing and potentially raise the band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is argued that one of the most effective approaches to improve social health is by building a greater number of sports facilities, while others are in doubt about this point of view. From my perspective, even though investment in sports infrastructure should increase, I agree with the latter opinion that community health improvement relies on various measures to encourage the well-being of people.

It is undeniable that sports play a crucial role in our lives, especially in the sedentary lifestyle of the contemporary era. The expansion of sports amenities would provide citizens with more opportunities to engage in a variety of distinct sports clubs or classes, such as yoga clubs, dancing classes, table tennis clubs, running, and swimming. Moreover, locals could choose to play a sport appropriate to their own personality, age, physical health, or even budget. As a result, they could enhance their personal health; the immune system is stronger than that of those who do not exercise regularly. Every morning at 4 AM, I wake up and go for a 5km run; it makes me feel comfortable and reduces my stress, preparing me for a heavy working day with a computer.

On the other hand, most health issues do not come from a lack of places or opportunities for training, but from a lack of motivation and self-awareness. Every individual possesses their own health, which means that when people understand the adverse consequences of a plethora of ailments such as obesity, cardiovascular diseases, and even cancer, they would take action to prevent negative influences. Besides that, early diagnosis and the application of advanced technology in the healthcare industry must be prioritized by authorities.

In conclusion, while the rapid spread of sports facilities could be a pivotal component in boosting public health, it should be integrated into a comprehensive strategy that addresses the multifaceted determinants of health. Therefore, civic campaigns and health protection programs need to be implemented rapidly to equip citizens with sufficient knowledge about protecting their health effectively and avoiding other potential health problems.