The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

Issues related to the forbiddance of mobile phone usage and smoking are frequently discussed these days. While both activities can have negative impacts on humans, I strongly disagree with the notion that mobile phones should be banned like smoking for several reasons.

Firstly, mobile phones serve a multitude of essential functions in modern society. They are communication tools that help people stay connected through calls, messages, and a plethora of social media apps, regardless of geographical distances. They also serve as navigational aids, emergency contact devices, and sources of information. For instance, in emergencies such as a house fire, terrorist attack, kidnapping, or injury, a smartphone can be life-saving. You can call the police, family, or friends for help. In emergencies, the ability to make a phone call can be a lifeline, whereas smoking offers no comparable benefit.

Secondly, smoking is a leading cause of numerous diseases, including lung cancer, heart disease, and respiratory illnesses, which can affect both the smoker and those exposed to smoke. In contrast, using smartphones primarily leads to eye strain and reduced physical activity, which are not as severe. Moreover, smartphones offer various apps that assist with health management, such as fitness apps that track exercise routines and hospital websites that provide remote consultations with doctors.

In conclusion, smartphones have become essential tools in contemporary times, offering numerous benefits such as communication, emergency assistance, and healthcare. Therefore, I strongly believe that mobile phones should not be banned as they have the potential to improve our lives.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Issues related to the forbiddance of mobile phone usage and smoking" -> "Issues regarding the prohibition of mobile phone use and smoking"
Explanation: "Forbiddance" is less commonly used and can be replaced with "prohibition" for clarity and formality. "Regarding" is more appropriate than "related to" in this context, enhancing the academic tone.
"frequently discussed these days" -> "frequently discussed in recent times"
Explanation: "In recent times" is a more formal and precise alternative to "these days," which is somewhat colloquial.
"I strongly disagree" -> "I firmly disagree"
Explanation: "Firmly" is a more formal synonym for "strongly," aligning better with academic writing standards.
"like smoking" -> "similar to smoking"
Explanation: "Like" is informal and vague; "similar to" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic discourse.
"They are communication tools" -> "They serve as communication tools"
Explanation: "Serve as" is a more formal and precise phrase than "are," which is somewhat basic and direct.
"a multitude of essential functions" -> "a wide range of essential functions"
Explanation: "A multitude" can be vague; "a wide range" provides a clearer and more specific description.
"regardless of geographical distances" -> "regardless of geographical distance"
Explanation: "Distance" should be singular when referring to the concept in general, not the specific distances.
"emergency contact devices" -> "emergency contact devices"
Explanation: This is a redundant repetition; the phrase should be removed to avoid redundancy.
"You can call the police, family, or friends for help." -> "one can contact the authorities, family, or friends for assistance."
Explanation: "One can contact" is more formal than "You can call," and "assistance" is a more formal synonym for "help."
"smoking offers no comparable benefit" -> "smoking provides no comparable benefits"
Explanation: "Provides" is more formal than "offers," and "benefits" is plural to match the context of multiple advantages discussed.
"using smartphones primarily leads to eye strain and reduced physical activity" -> "the use of smartphones primarily leads to eye strain and reduced physical activity"
Explanation: "The use of" is more formal and precise than "using," and specifying "the use of" clarifies that it is the action of using smartphones that leads to these issues.
"which are not as severe" -> "which are less severe"
Explanation: "Less severe" is a more concise and formal way to compare the severity of effects.
"smartphones offer various apps" -> "smartphones provide various apps"
Explanation: "Provide" is more formal than "offer" in this context, fitting the academic style better.
"assist with health management" -> "assist in health management"
Explanation: "In" is more appropriate than "with" when describing the role of apps in health management.
"track exercise routines and hospital websites that provide remote consultations with doctors" -> "track exercise routines and hospital websites that offer remote consultations with physicians"
Explanation: "Offer" is more formal than "provide," and "physicians" is a more precise term than "doctors" in formal writing.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a disagreement with the notion that mobile phones should be banned like smoking. The writer outlines the essential functions of mobile phones and contrasts them with the harmful effects of smoking, which directly answers the question. The essay provides a solid rationale for the position taken, highlighting the benefits of mobile phones in emergencies and health management.
- How to improve: To enhance the response further, the writer could consider acknowledging potential counterarguments regarding mobile phone usage, such as social distraction or the impact on face-to-face interactions. This would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic and strengthen the argument by preemptively addressing opposing views.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the banning of mobile phones throughout. The use of phrases like "I strongly disagree" and the consistent focus on the benefits of mobile phones reinforces the writer’s stance. Each paragraph supports this position with relevant examples, ensuring that the reader understands the writer’s viewpoint.
- How to improve: To further solidify the clarity of the position, the writer could include a brief reiteration of their stance in the conclusion, summarizing the key reasons for their disagreement. This would reinforce the argument and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the first two paragraphs. The writer provides specific examples, such as the role of mobile phones in emergencies and health management apps, which effectively illustrate the points made. The contrast between the consequences of smoking and the benefits of mobile phones is also well articulated.
- How to improve: To enhance the depth of the argument, the writer could extend some points further. For instance, elaborating on the social implications of mobile phone usage, such as how they can foster connections rather than hinder them, would provide a more comprehensive view. Additionally, including statistics or studies related to mobile phone usage and its benefits could strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, consistently relating back to the comparison between mobile phones and smoking. Each paragraph contributes to the overall argument without deviating into unrelated areas, which is commendable.
- How to improve: To maintain this focus, the writer should ensure that all examples and arguments directly relate to the central thesis. While the essay does well in this regard, a careful review of each point to ensure relevance can further enhance coherence and clarity.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task, effectively addressing the prompt with a clear position and well-supported ideas. With minor adjustments and elaborations, it could achieve an even higher level of sophistication in argumentation.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the context and states the writer’s position. Each body paragraph focuses on a distinct argument supporting the thesis, which enhances the logical flow. For example, the first body paragraph discusses the essential functions of mobile phones, while the second contrasts the health impacts of smoking with those of mobile phone usage. This clear separation of ideas aids in the reader’s understanding.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider using more explicit topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. This would guide the reader more clearly through the argumentation. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases between paragraphs could improve the overall flow of ideas, ensuring that the reader can easily follow the progression of thought.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific point. The structure is clear, with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph is adequately developed, providing relevant examples and explanations that support the main argument.
- How to improve: While the paragraphing is effective, the essay could benefit from a more balanced development of ideas. For instance, the first body paragraph is longer and more detailed than the second. Consider expanding the second paragraph to include more examples or a counterargument that acknowledges the potential downsides of mobile phone usage. This would create a more balanced discussion and demonstrate a deeper engagement with the topic.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions ("while," "whereas") and referencing ("they," "this"). These devices help to link ideas within and between sentences, contributing to the overall coherence of the text. For example, the use of "for instance" effectively introduces examples that illustrate the points made.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating more varied linking phrases and transitions. For example, using phrases like "on the other hand," "in addition," or "furthermore" can help to create smoother transitions between contrasting ideas or to add additional points. This variety will enhance the essay’s cohesiveness and make the argumentation more engaging for the reader.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization, effective paragraphing, and a good use of cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further elevate the clarity and persuasiveness of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary, employing a variety of terms and expressions relevant to the topic. Phrases like "forbiddance of mobile phone usage," "plethora of social media apps," and "life-saving" illustrate the writer’s ability to use sophisticated vocabulary effectively. The use of terms such as "essential functions," "navigational aids," and "health management" further showcases a broad lexical range that is appropriate for an academic context.
- How to improve: To elevate the vocabulary even further, the writer could incorporate more nuanced synonyms or idiomatic expressions. For example, instead of repeating "essential," they could use "indispensable" or "crucial" in different contexts. Additionally, varying sentence structures and incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to the social implications of mobile phone use could enhance the richness of the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, with appropriate context for most terms. However, the phrase "forbiddance of mobile phone usage" could be considered slightly awkward or less common. More commonly used phrases like "prohibition of mobile phone use" would convey the same meaning more clearly. Additionally, the term "plethora" is well-used, but the writer could consider varying their vocabulary to avoid repetition in similar contexts.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that is not only appropriate but also commonly accepted in academic writing. This includes avoiding overly complex or less familiar terms that may confuse the reader. Practicing with synonyms and consulting a thesaurus can help in finding the most suitable words for specific contexts.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors. Words such as "communication," "emergency," and "healthcare" are spelled correctly throughout the text, demonstrating the writer’s attention to detail and proficiency in English.
- How to improve: To maintain and enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should continue to proofread their work carefully. Utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools can also be beneficial. Additionally, engaging in regular reading and writing practice can help reinforce correct spelling patterns and improve overall language skills.

Overall, the essay exhibits a strong command of lexical resource, meriting a band score of 8. By focusing on enhancing vocabulary variety, precision, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can further strengthen their writing skills in preparation for the IELTS exam.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. The writer effectively employs complex sentences, such as "While both activities can have negative impacts on humans, I strongly disagree with the notion that mobile phones should be banned like smoking for several reasons." This sentence showcases the use of a subordinate clause and a clear main clause, enhancing the complexity of the argument. Additionally, the use of transitional phrases like "Firstly" and "In conclusion" helps to organize the essay logically. However, there are instances of simpler sentence structures that could be expanded for greater variety, such as "In emergencies, the ability to make a phone call can be a lifeline," which could be rephrased to include more complex elements.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases, use passive voice where appropriate, and experiment with different ways to combine ideas. For example, instead of stating "In emergencies, the ability to make a phone call can be a lifeline," the writer could say, "In emergencies, when every second counts, the ability to make a phone call can prove to be a vital lifeline." This not only adds complexity but also emphasizes the urgency of the situation.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with few noticeable errors. For instance, the use of commas is mostly correct, as seen in "For instance, in emergencies such as a house fire, terrorist attack, kidnapping, or injury, a smartphone can be life-saving." This demonstrates an understanding of how to separate clauses and list items effectively. However, there are minor issues, such as the phrase "which can affect both the smoker and those exposed to smoke," where the relative clause could be clearer if rephrased for better flow.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on ensuring clarity in complex sentences. A strategy for improvement could involve reading sentences aloud to identify any awkward phrasing or potential confusion. Additionally, practicing the use of relative clauses and ensuring they are clearly linked to their antecedents can help in refining sentence structure. For example, rephrasing "which can affect both the smoker and those exposed to smoke" to "which can negatively impact not only the smoker but also those who are exposed to secondhand smoke" would clarify the relationship between the subjects.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy. With some adjustments to enhance sentence variety and clarity, the writer could further elevate their writing to achieve an even higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Issues related to the prohibition of mobile phone usage and smoking are frequently discussed these days. While both activities can have negative impacts on humans, I firmly disagree with the notion that mobile phones should be banned like smoking for several reasons.

Firstly, mobile phones serve a multitude of essential functions in modern society. They are communication tools that help people stay connected through calls, messages, and a plethora of social media apps, regardless of geographical distance. They also serve as navigational aids, emergency contact devices, and sources of information. For instance, in emergencies such as a house fire, terrorist attack, kidnapping, or injury, a smartphone can be life-saving. One can contact the authorities, family, or friends for assistance. In emergencies, the ability to make a phone call can be a lifeline, whereas smoking provides no comparable benefits.

Secondly, smoking is a leading cause of numerous diseases, including lung cancer, heart disease, and respiratory illnesses, which can affect both the smoker and those exposed to smoke. In contrast, the use of smartphones primarily leads to eye strain and reduced physical activity, which are less severe. Moreover, smartphones provide various apps that assist in health management, such as fitness apps that track exercise routines and hospital websites that offer remote consultations with physicians.