Employers should give their staff at least a 4-week holiday a year to make employees better at their jobs. To extend do you agree or disagree?

Employers should give their staff at least a 4-week holiday a year to make employees better at their jobs. To extend do you agree or disagree?

There is currently a contentious argument over whether emplyees should receive at least a 4-week holiday by their boss for better performance at jobs. While I agree that this process can positively influence staffs, I believe that it is a double-edge solution. 

On the one hand, I concur that a 4-week holiday for workers is likely to enhance job satisfaction and work productivity. More days off means that staffs stand a golden chance to relax and spent more time for themselves and their personal life which assist them promote work-life balance and reduce stress. Tremendous job satisfaction, therefore, can be a great source of motivation encouraging employees to work harder and dedicate more for firms. If employees always suffer from heavy workload, work long hours without any supplementary holiday entitlement, they will feel depress and exhaust therefore no longer want to devote for work and do their task with low productivity. 

Nevertheless, I believe that too much holiday can reduce the working spirit of employees. After enjoying a long holiday, workers may  accustom to comfort without discipline and feel disheartened when come back to work. Moreover, work accumlates during holiday can put a great pressure on them which create depression on workers, lead to loss of productivity at work. By way off illustration, a report from National university showed that 78% young workers afraid of going back to work after holiday and many of them suffer from mental crisis. This is a testament of how more four-week can detrimentally effect workers. 

In conclusion, while offering at least a 4-week holiday a year for staffs can create tremendous job satisfaction and work better work benefit for them, I think that it also lead to low-spirited in workers. 

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "emplyees" -> "employees"
   Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "emplyees" to "employees" ensures the use of the correct term in formal writing.

2. "by their boss" -> "by their employers"
   Explanation: Replacing "by their boss" with "by their employers" broadens the scope to include all employers, not just immediate supervisors, which is more appropriate in an academic context.

3. "staffs" -> "staff"
   Explanation: The plural form "staffs" is incorrect; the correct form is "staff" when referring to a group of employees.

4. "a 4-week holiday" -> "a four-week holiday"
   Explanation: Using "four-week" instead of "4-week" adheres to the formal style of academic writing, which prefers written-out numbers for clarity and formality.

5. "stand a golden chance" -> "have a golden opportunity"
   Explanation: "Stand a golden chance" is an idiom; replacing it with "have a golden opportunity" maintains the intended meaning while using more formal language.

6. "spent more time for themselves" -> "spend more time on themselves"
   Explanation: Changing "spent" to "spend" corrects the tense to match the ongoing action, and "on themselves" is more grammatically correct than "for themselves."

7. "assist them promote" -> "help them promote"
   Explanation: "Assist them promote" is grammatically incorrect; "help them promote" is the correct phrase.

8. "dedicate more for firms" -> "dedicate more to their firms"
   Explanation: Adding "to their" clarifies the prepositional phrase, making the sentence grammatically correct and clearer.

9. "feel depress" -> "feel depressed"
   Explanation: Correcting the verb form from "feel depress" to "feel depressed" fixes the grammatical error and aligns with standard English usage.

10. "do their task with low productivity" -> "perform their tasks with low productivity"
    Explanation: "Do their task" is informal and imprecise; "perform their tasks" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

11. "too much holiday" -> "too many holidays"
    Explanation: "Too much holiday" is incorrect; "too many holidays" is the correct phrase to describe an excessive number of holidays.

12. "work accumulates during holiday" -> "work accumulates during the holiday"
    Explanation: Adding "the" before "holiday" corrects the article usage, making the phrase grammatically correct.

13. "create depression on workers" -> "cause depression among workers"
    Explanation: "Create depression on workers" is awkward and incorrect; "cause depression among workers" is more natural and precise.

14. "By way off illustration" -> "By way of illustration"
    Explanation: Correcting the preposition from "off" to "of" fixes a common error and maintains the formal tone.

15. "detrimentally effect workers" -> "adversely affect workers"
    Explanation: "Detrimentally effect" is incorrect; "adversely affect" is the correct form, aligning with standard English usage.

16. "work better work benefit" -> "better work benefits"
    Explanation: "Work better work benefit" is awkward and unclear; "better work benefits" is grammatically correct and clearer.

17. "lead to low-spirited in workers" -> "lead to a lack of motivation among workers"
    Explanation: "Low-spirited in workers" is unclear and informal; "a lack of motivation among workers" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding whether employers should provide a 4-week holiday to enhance employee performance. The writer acknowledges the potential benefits, such as improved job satisfaction and productivity, while also presenting a counterargument about the risks of excessive holidays leading to decreased motivation and increased stress. However, the essay could have more explicitly stated the position of "agree" or "disagree" in the introduction and conclusion to clarify the overall stance.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should ensure that the thesis statement clearly indicates their position (agree or disagree) and maintain this throughout the essay. Additionally, each point made should directly relate back to the prompt, reinforcing the argument for or against the proposal.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position, indicating agreement with the benefits of holidays but also highlighting the drawbacks. However, the phrase "double-edge solution" introduces ambiguity, as it suggests a more neutral stance rather than a definitive agreement or disagreement. The conclusion reiterates both sides without firmly stating the writer’s final position.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the writer should consistently reinforce their main argument throughout the essay. Using clear transitional phrases that indicate agreement or disagreement can help maintain a strong position. The conclusion should summarize the main argument clearly, stating whether the writer ultimately supports or opposes the idea.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits of holidays, such as improved work-life balance and reduced stress, and supports these with explanations. However, the counterarguments could be more thoroughly developed. For instance, while the mention of the National University report adds credibility, it lacks sufficient detail about the study and its implications.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should provide more detailed examples and evidence to support both sides of the argument. This could include statistics, studies, or real-world examples that illustrate the points made. Additionally, expanding on the implications of the evidence presented would enhance the depth of the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the effects of a 4-week holiday on employee performance. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as the discussion of "mental crisis" without a clear connection to the central argument. Some phrases, like "low-spirited in workers," could also be more precisely articulated to maintain relevance.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the central question of the prompt. Avoiding vague terms and ensuring that every point made ties back to the main argument will help keep the essay on track. Additionally, using clear topic sentences for each paragraph can guide the reader and reinforce the main focus of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, there are areas for improvement in clarity, depth of support, and maintaining a consistent position. By refining these aspects, the writer can enhance their Task Response score in future essays.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with an introduction that outlines the writer’s position, followed by two main body paragraphs that discuss both sides of the argument. The first paragraph effectively supports the idea that a 4-week holiday can enhance job satisfaction and productivity, while the second paragraph presents a counterargument regarding the potential downsides of extended holidays. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother; for instance, the shift from discussing benefits to drawbacks feels abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer could use transitional phrases such as "On the contrary," or "Conversely," at the beginning of the second body paragraph to signal the shift in perspective. Additionally, providing a brief summary of the first argument before introducing the counterargument would help reinforce the logical progression of ideas.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into distinct paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction sets the stage, and the body paragraphs are focused on separate points. However, the conclusion is somewhat repetitive and does not effectively summarize the key points made in the body paragraphs. The paragraphing is generally effective, but the conclusion could be more impactful.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer should ensure that the conclusion succinctly encapsulates the main arguments without introducing new ideas. A strong conclusion should reiterate the thesis and summarize the key points made in the body paragraphs, perhaps by stating, "In summary, while a 4-week holiday can enhance job satisfaction, it is essential to consider the potential risks of decreased motivation and productivity."

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," "Nevertheless," and "By way of illustration," which help to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. However, there is a noticeable reliance on a limited range of cohesive devices, and some sentences lack clear connections, making them feel disjointed. For example, the phrase "this is a testament of how more four-week can detrimentally effect workers" lacks clarity and could benefit from a clearer connection to the preceding argument.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Consequently," to enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, ensuring that each cohesive device is used correctly and in context will improve clarity. For instance, rephrasing the problematic sentence to something like, "This illustrates that an extended holiday can have detrimental effects on workers’ motivation and productivity," would clarify the connection between the evidence and the argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view. By focusing on improving the logical flow, refining the conclusion, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay, potentially raising the band score further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "contentious argument," "job satisfaction," and "work-life balance" effectively conveying the main ideas. However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice, such as the repeated use of "holiday" and "workers." The phrase "double-edge solution" is also somewhat awkward and could be expressed more clearly.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using "holiday," alternatives like "leave," "time off," or "vacation" could be employed. Additionally, exploring phrases like "workforce" instead of "workers" can add variety.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices. For instance, "double-edge solution" is not a commonly used phrase in this context and may confuse readers. The term "assist them promote" is grammatically incorrect and should be "assist them in promoting." The phrase "accustom to comfort without discipline" lacks clarity and could be better articulated.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. For example, instead of "double-edge solution," a clearer term like "mixed approach" could be used. Additionally, reviewing grammatical structures and ensuring that phrases are correctly formed will enhance clarity.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "emplyees," "staffs," "spent" (should be "spend"), "depress" (should be "depressed"), "accumlates" (should be "accumulates"), "off" (should be "of"), and "effect" (should be "affect"). These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing and can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy before submission. This could include reading the essay aloud, using spell-check tools, or asking a peer to review the work. Additionally, practicing spelling common words and phrases related to the topic can help reinforce correct usage.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, addressing these areas of vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will significantly improve the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the phrase "While I agree that this process can positively influence staffs, I believe that it is a double-edge solution" shows an attempt at complexity. However, the overall range is limited, and many sentences are either overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed. For instance, "More days off means that staffs stand a golden chance to relax" could be rephrased for clarity and sophistication.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice using more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions. Incorporating a mix of sentence types, such as conditional sentences (e.g., "If employees are given more holidays, they may…") and passive constructions, can also add variety. Regularly reading high-scoring IELTS essays can provide models for effective sentence variety.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "emplyees" is a spelling error, and "double-edge solution" should be "double-edged solution." Additionally, phrases like "assist them promote work-life balance" are grammatically incorrect; it should be "assist them in promoting work-life balance." The use of commas is inconsistent, particularly in complex sentences, which affects clarity. For example, "they will feel depress and exhaust therefore no longer want to devote for work" lacks necessary punctuation and correct verb forms ("depressed" and "exhausted").
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work to catch spelling and grammatical errors before submission. Practicing verb forms and ensuring subject-verb agreement is crucial. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially for complex sentences, will help clarify meaning. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also aid in identifying and correcting errors.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument and some relevant points, the grammatical range and accuracy need significant improvement to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on sentence variety and grammatical correctness will enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is currently a contentious argument over whether employees should receive at least a 4-week holiday from their employers for better performance at their jobs. While I agree that this process can positively influence staff, I believe that it is a double-edged solution.

On the one hand, I concur that a 4-week holiday for workers is likely to enhance job satisfaction and work productivity. More days off mean that staff have a golden opportunity to relax and spend more time on themselves and their personal lives, which helps them promote work-life balance and reduce stress. Tremendous job satisfaction, therefore, can be a great source of motivation, encouraging employees to work harder and dedicate more to their firms. If employees always suffer from a heavy workload and work long hours without any supplementary holiday entitlement, they will feel depressed and exhausted; therefore, they will no longer want to devote themselves to work and will perform their tasks with low productivity.

Nevertheless, I believe that too many holidays can reduce the working spirit of employees. After enjoying a long holiday, workers may become accustomed to comfort without discipline and feel disheartened when they come back to work. Moreover, work that accumulates during the holiday can put great pressure on them, which can cause depression among workers and lead to a loss of productivity at work. By way of illustration, a report from a national university showed that 78% of young workers are afraid of going back to work after a holiday, and many of them suffer from mental crises. This is a testament to how more than four weeks can detrimentally affect workers.

In conclusion, while offering at least a 4-week holiday a year for staff can create tremendous job satisfaction and better work benefits for them, I think that it can also lead to low spirits among workers.