Write an essay of about 350 words on the following topic: Some people believe that parents have a great influence on the children’s growth but influence from the outside plays a more important role. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Write an essay of about 350 words on the following topic:
Some people believe that parents have a great influence on the children’s growth but influence from the outside plays a more important role. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

In today’s world, there are many debates about whether two options that parents have a great influence on the children’s growth or influence from the outside plays a more important role. Although the influence from the outside is very important, the influence from parents seems more logical. In this essay, both aspects will be examined.
In the one hand, there are several reasons why many individuals believe that the second option is more necessary. The first reason is that social relationships, friends and the surrounding community also affect children's development. To explain, children learn and imitate behavior from those around them, therefore, a positive social environment will help children develop good qualities. The second reason is that school plays an important role in teaching children's skills, knowledge and life values. Students need to acquire the necessary knowledge to be independent in life.
In the other hand, there are two reasons why I continue to agree with the first option. The one reason is how parents raise their children. For example, strict parents can make children become less confident, while parents who are warm and careful about their children's opinions can help them more confidence and communication skills. Another reason is how they care for and love their children. Parents who listen and communicate effectively with their children help them feel respected and understand more about the world around them.
In conclusion, although many people still believe that the influence from the outside is more important, I still believe that we need to implement the influence from parents.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In today’s world" -> "In the contemporary world"
   Explanation: "In the contemporary world" is a more formal and precise phrase that enhances the academic tone of the essay.

2. "two options that parents have a great influence on the children’s growth or influence from the outside plays a more important role" -> "two factors: parental influence and external influences, with the former being more significant"
   Explanation: This revision clarifies the subject and eliminates the awkward phrasing, making the sentence more direct and formal.

3. "In the one hand" -> "On one hand"
   Explanation: "On one hand" is the correct idiomatic expression for introducing contrasting ideas in formal writing.

4. "the second option is more necessary" -> "the latter is more crucial"
   Explanation: "The latter" is more precise and formal than "the second option," and "crucial" is a stronger, more academic term than "necessary."

5. "social relationships, friends and the surrounding community" -> "social relationships, friendships, and the surrounding community"
   Explanation: Adding "friendships" clarifies the type of relationships being referred to, enhancing precision.

6. "a positive social environment will help children develop good qualities" -> "a positive social environment fosters the development of desirable qualities"
   Explanation: "Fosters" is a more precise verb than "help," and "desirable qualities" is a more formal and specific term than "good qualities."

7. "school plays an important role in teaching children’s skills, knowledge and life values" -> "school plays a pivotal role in imparting essential skills, knowledge, and values"
   Explanation: "Pivotal" and "imparting" are more formal and precise, and "essential" is a stronger adjective than "important" in this context.

8. "In the other hand" -> "On the other hand"
   Explanation: Corrects the idiomatic error to "On the other hand," which is the correct phrase for introducing contrasting ideas.

9. "how parents raise their children" -> "parenting styles"
   Explanation: "Parenting styles" is a more specific and formal term than "how parents raise their children," which is vague and informal.

10. "For example, strict parents can make children become less confident" -> "For instance, overly strict parenting can undermine children’s confidence"
    Explanation: "For instance" is more formal than "For example," and "undermine" is a more precise verb than "make become less confident," which is awkward and informal.

11. "parents who are warm and careful about their children’s opinions can help them more confidence and communication skills" -> "parents who are nurturing and attentive to their children’s opinions can enhance their confidence and communication skills"
    Explanation: "Nurturing and attentive" are more precise and formal adjectives than "warm and careful," and "enhance" is a more academic verb than "help more."

12. "Parents who listen and communicate effectively with their children help them feel respected and understand more about the world around them" -> "Parents who engage in effective communication with their children foster a sense of respect and broaden their understanding of the world"
    Explanation: "Engage in effective communication" is more specific and formal than "listen and communicate," and "foster a sense of respect" and "broaden their understanding" are more precise and academic phrases.

13. "although many people still believe that the influence from the outside is more important" -> "although many still contend that external influences are more significant"
    Explanation: "Contend" is a more formal verb than "believe," and "external influences" is a more precise term than "the influence from the outside."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding parental influence and external influences on children’s growth. The introduction clearly states that both aspects will be examined, which aligns with the prompt. The essay presents arguments for the importance of external influences (social relationships and schools) and parental influence (parenting style and emotional support). However, the argument could be more balanced, as it leans slightly more towards parental influence without fully exploring the counterargument.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could provide more detailed examples or evidence supporting the external influences, perhaps discussing specific scenarios or studies that illustrate their impact. Additionally, a more explicit comparison between the two influences in terms of their significance could strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that parental influence is more significant, which is evident in the concluding statement. However, the transition between discussing external influences and parental influences could be smoother, as the shift feels somewhat abrupt. The phrase "the one reason" could be improved for clarity and consistency in presenting the argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain clarity, the writer should ensure that each paragraph transitions logically. Using phrases like "On the contrary" or "In contrast" can help signal shifts in focus. Additionally, reiterating the main position in each paragraph can reinforce the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the role of social relationships and parenting styles. However, some points lack depth. For instance, while the essay mentions that strict parenting can lead to a lack of confidence, it does not elaborate on how this manifests or provide examples of the long-term effects on children’s development.
  • How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples. For instance, discussing specific traits or behaviors that children develop in response to different parenting styles would add depth. Including statistics or research findings could also enhance the credibility of the arguments.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the influences of parents and external factors on children’s growth. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, the mention of "life values" in relation to school could be better defined to clarify its relevance to the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point directly relates back to the main argument. It may be helpful to outline the main ideas before writing to ensure that all points are relevant and contribute to the overall thesis. Additionally, avoiding vague terms and ensuring that each example is clearly linked to the topic will help maintain clarity and relevance throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized to present reasons supporting both the external influences and parental influences. However, the transition between the two perspectives could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "In the one hand" could be more effectively stated as "On one hand," which is a more standard expression in English. Additionally, the conclusion reiterates the author’s stance but lacks a strong summarization of the key points made in the body.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that transitions between paragraphs are clear and use standard phrases for contrasting ideas. Summarizing the main arguments in the conclusion would also strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, making it easy for the reader to follow the writer’s line of reasoning. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of each paragraph. For example, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence that clearly indicates it will discuss external influences before diving into specific examples.
  • How to improve: Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. This will help guide the reader and improve the overall clarity of the essay. Additionally, consider using more varied sentence structures within paragraphs to maintain reader engagement.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "although," "for example," and "therefore," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be made clearer. For instance, the transition from discussing external influences to parental influences could be enhanced with phrases like "Conversely" or "On the other hand," which would provide a clearer contrast.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. This includes using synonyms for common cohesive devices and varying the structure of sentences to create more complex connections between ideas. Additionally, ensuring that each cohesive device is used appropriately will enhance the overall flow of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on improving transitions, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "influence," "development," "social relationships," and "communication skills" appearing throughout. However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly with the use of "influence" and "children." For instance, phrases such as "influence from the outside" and "influence from parents" could be varied to enhance the lexical richness.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "influence," alternatives like "impact," "effect," or "role" could be employed. Additionally, introducing more descriptive adjectives and adverbs could add depth to the vocabulary used, such as "significant influence" or "positive impact."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the second option is more necessary" lacks clarity; it could be more effectively expressed as "the external influences are more critical" to convey the intended meaning. Additionally, the phrase "help them more confidence" is grammatically incorrect and should be "help them gain more confidence."
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising sentences for clarity and correctness. For instance, instead of saying "the influence from parents seems more logical," a more precise statement could be "the influence of parents is foundational to a child’s development." Regular practice with vocabulary exercises and seeking feedback on word choice can also aid in this area.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with only minor errors noted, such as "the one reason" which should be "one reason." However, the phrase "more confidence" is incorrectly structured and should be "more confident." Such errors can detract from the overall quality of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can improve overall spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy could elevate the Lexical Resource score. Regular practice, feedback, and revision are key strategies for enhancing these aspects.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "In today’s world" and "In the one hand" shows an attempt to introduce ideas effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way points are introduced (e.g., "The first reason is…" and "Another reason is…"). This can make the writing feel formulaic and less engaging.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that combine ideas. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "The first reason is…" or "Another reason is…", the writer could use subordinating clauses or transitional phrases to connect ideas more fluidly. For example, "While social relationships significantly impact children’s development, the parental influence remains foundational in shaping their values."

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some noticeable errors. For example, the phrase "the influence from the outside plays a more important role" should be "the influence from the outside plays a more important role" for consistency in verb tense. Additionally, the phrase "In the one hand" should be corrected to "On the one hand." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "therefore" in "to explain, children learn and imitate behavior from those around them."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review common grammatical structures and their correct usage, particularly focusing on prepositions and conjunctions. Practicing sentence combining and using varied punctuation can also help. For example, the writer could practice using commas to set off introductory phrases or clauses, which would improve the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, proofreading for common errors, such as prepositional phrases and article usage, would be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents clear arguments, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s world, there are many debates about whether parents have a great influence on their children’s growth or whether influence from the outside plays a more important role. Although external influences are very important, parental influence seems more significant. In this essay, both aspects will be examined.

On one hand, there are several reasons why many individuals believe that external influences are more crucial. The first reason is that social relationships, friendships, and the surrounding community also affect children’s development. To explain, children learn and imitate behavior from those around them; therefore, a positive social environment will help children develop good qualities. The second reason is that school plays a pivotal role in imparting essential skills, knowledge, and values. Students need to acquire the necessary knowledge to be independent in life.

On the other hand, there are two reasons why I continue to agree with the first option. One reason is how parents raise their children. For example, strict parents can make children less confident, while parents who are nurturing and attentive to their children’s opinions can enhance their confidence and communication skills. Another reason is how they care for and love their children. Parents who engage in effective communication with their children foster a sense of respect and broaden their understanding of the world around them.

In conclusion, although many people still contend that external influences are more significant, I firmly believe that the influence from parents is essential for children’s growth.