Serious violent crime among people who under – 18 are becoming more common. Some people think that children who commit serious crimes should be treated like adults, while others would say that they should be rehabilitaited. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Serious violent crime among people who under – 18 are becoming more common. Some people think that children who commit serious crimes should be treated like adults, while others would say that they should be rehabilitaited. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Whilst many people agure that childrens are under-18 who major violent offences should be treated like grow ups because . I believe that they should be reform.
On the one hand, treating young people criminals like they are over 18 gives the victims justice, someone who has lost a loved one would feel very pressing if criminal don't be receive prison sentences because they were not old enough. For example, in vũng tàu victims is a girl 9 years old who was sexual assault, offender wouldn't be sent to prison as he committed the crime when he is only 12 years old. As a result, this outraged the family's victim. However, i think that criminal age should be give the chance to rehabilitate because they are not fully developed as a human beings
On the oder hand, it is thought that juvenile crime are not aware of their actions because of their age and living conditions as they could be affected by trauma, abuse, or neglect which significantly influence their behavior. Therefore they could through rehabilitatable programmes such as therapeutic and educational programs. Society could offer these individuals a chance to reform and reintegrate as productive members. For example, in Ho chi minh city were carry out these policies, as a consequence, Many youth crime who received a jail sentence could become good citizens after getting rehabilitation , i believe that these are perfectly way as criminal's age should be taken into consideration and re-educated for them for better life in the future.
Inclusion, although all criminal's under 18 age should be served a jail sentence, i believe that that is not really suitable for criminal's minor who should be taken into reform as a more affecttive option for them

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "agure" -> "agree"
   Explanation: "Agure" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "agree" for proper spelling and grammatical accuracy.

2. "childrens" -> "children"
   Explanation: "Childrens" is a possessive form and should be corrected to "children" to refer to the plural noun without possession.

3. "major violent offences" -> "commit violent offenses"
   Explanation: "Major" is not typically used with "offences" in this context; "commit" is more precise and appropriate for describing the act of committing crimes.

4. "should be treated like grow ups" -> "should be treated as adults"
   Explanation: "Grow ups" is informal and incorrect; "adults" is the correct term for referring to people over 18 in a formal context.

5. "should be reform" -> "should be rehabilitated"
   Explanation: "Reform" is not the correct term in this context; "rehabilitated" is the appropriate term for referring to the process of helping individuals change their behavior.

6. "gives the victims justice" -> "provides justice to the victims"
   Explanation: "Gives the victims justice" is grammatically awkward; "provides justice to the victims" is more formal and flows better in academic writing.

7. "someone who has lost a loved one" -> "a person who has lost a loved one"
   Explanation: "Someone" is informal and vague; "a person" is more specific and formal.

8. "criminal don’t be receive prison sentences" -> "criminals do not receive prison sentences"
   Explanation: "Criminal don’t be receive" is grammatically incorrect and awkward; "criminals do not receive" corrects the grammar and formality.

9. "vũng tàu victims" -> "the victims in Vung Tau"
   Explanation: "Vũng Tàu victims" is unclear and grammatically incorrect; specifying "the victims in Vung Tau" clarifies the location and improves readability.

10. "offender wouldn’t be sent to prison" -> "the offender would not be sent to prison"
    Explanation: "Offender" should be "the offender" for grammatical correctness and clarity.

11. "i think" -> "I think"
    Explanation: "i" should be capitalized as "I" for proper grammatical structure in English.

12. "juvenile crime are not aware" -> "juvenile crimes are not aware"
    Explanation: "Juvenile crime" should be pluralized to "juvenile crimes" to match the plural subject "they" later in the sentence.

13. "could be affected" -> "could be affected"
    Explanation: "Could be" should not be hyphenated; "could be affected" is grammatically correct.

14. "rehabilitatable" -> "rehabilitative"
    Explanation: "Rehabilitatable" is not a word; "rehabilitative" is the correct adjective form.

15. "therapeutic and educational programs" -> "therapeutic and educational programs"
    Explanation: No change needed as the phrase is correct and grammatically sound.

16. "carry out these policies" -> "implement these policies"
    Explanation: "Carry out" is somewhat informal and vague; "implement" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.

17. "Many youth crime" -> "many young offenders"
    Explanation: "Youth crime" is not a standard term; "young offenders" is more appropriate and clear.

18. "i believe" -> "I believe"
    Explanation: "i" should be capitalized as "I" for proper grammatical structure in English.

19. "that is not really suitable" -> "that is not entirely suitable"
    Explanation: "Really" is informal and vague; "entirely" provides a more precise and formal alternative.

20. "affecttive" -> "effective"
    Explanation: "Affecttive" is a typographical error; "effective" is the correct spelling and term.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding how to treat young offenders, presenting arguments for treating them as adults and for rehabilitation. The first paragraph outlines the argument for treating young offenders as adults, citing a specific example of a crime that has caused outrage among victims’ families. The second paragraph discusses the perspective that young offenders should be rehabilitated, emphasizing the impact of their circumstances on their behavior. However, the essay could benefit from a clearer and more structured approach to discussing both sides of the argument, as the transitions between points are somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the essay should ensure that each viewpoint is given equal weight and clarity. Using clearer topic sentences for each paragraph and ensuring that examples are well-integrated into the argument would enhance the overall coherence. Additionally, explicitly stating the writer’s opinion in the introduction and conclusion would strengthen the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that young offenders should be rehabilitated rather than treated as adults. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, especially in the second paragraph. However, the introduction is somewhat unclear due to grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, which may confuse the reader about the writer’s position.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should focus on improving the clarity of their language in the introduction. A straightforward statement of opinion at the beginning, followed by consistent reinforcement of that opinion in the body paragraphs, would help clarify the stance taken.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to both perspectives on juvenile crime, but the support for these ideas is inconsistent. For instance, while the example from Vũng Tàu is relevant, it lacks sufficient context and detail to effectively support the argument. The second paragraph provides a more developed argument for rehabilitation, but it could benefit from additional examples or evidence to strengthen the claims made.
  • How to improve: To effectively present, elaborate, and substantiate ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. Incorporating statistics, studies, or expert opinions on juvenile crime and rehabilitation could enhance the credibility of the arguments. Additionally, ensuring that each idea is fully developed before moving on to the next would improve the overall flow and coherence of the essay.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the treatment of young offenders and the implications of both perspectives. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the second paragraph where the transition to discussing rehabilitation feels abrupt and could be more smoothly integrated into the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the main question. Using clear topic sentences and ensuring that each point made directly supports the overall argument will help maintain a strong focus throughout the essay. Additionally, avoiding unnecessary tangents or overly complex sentence structures will help keep the writing clear and on-topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow is occasionally disrupted by unclear transitions and abrupt shifts in ideas. For instance, the transition from discussing the need for justice for victims to the argument for rehabilitation lacks a cohesive linking sentence that would guide the reader smoothly from one point to the next. The introduction also has grammatical errors that detract from clarity, such as "children who commit serious crimes should be treated like grow ups because." This incomplete thought leaves the reader uncertain about the argument’s direction.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "On the other hand," "Furthermore," or "In contrast" can help clarify the relationship between ideas. The introduction should also be revised for clarity, ensuring that it presents a complete thought that sets the stage for the discussion.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, which helps in maintaining coherence. However, the paragraphs could be better structured. For example, the first paragraph mixes the discussion of victim justice with the argument for rehabilitation without clearly delineating the two perspectives. This can confuse readers about which viewpoint is being discussed.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, the writer should ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus. The first paragraph could be split into two: one dedicated to the argument for treating young offenders as adults and the other focusing on the rehabilitation perspective. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each viewpoint and enhance clarity.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to contrast the two viewpoints. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas are weak. For example, the phrase "As a result" is used but does not clearly connect to the preceding sentence, which can leave readers puzzled about the relationship between the ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Additionally," "Consequently," "Moreover," and "In conclusion." This will not only improve the flow of the essay but also clarify the relationships between different ideas. Furthermore, ensuring that each cohesive device is used appropriately and enhances the reader’s understanding will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance clarity and coherence, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, but it often falls short of being wide-ranging. Words like "rehabilitate," "justice," and "offender" show some level of lexical variety. However, the use of phrases such as "criminal age" and "juvenile crime" lacks sophistication and could be expressed with more nuanced vocabulary. Additionally, there are instances of repetition, such as the frequent use of "criminal" and "rehabilitate," which limits the lexical range.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "criminal," they could use "offender," "perpetrator," or "wrongdoer." Additionally, employing more varied expressions for "rehabilitate," such as "reform," "reintegrate," or "restore," could enrich the essay’s lexical diversity.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "children who commit serious crimes should be treated like adults" could be more accurately expressed as "juvenile offenders should face consequences comparable to those of adult offenders." Furthermore, the term "major violent offences" is vague and could be replaced with more specific terminology, such as "serious violent crimes" or "heinous acts of violence." There are also spelling errors that detract from the clarity of the message, such as "rehabilitaited" and "agure."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. This includes ensuring that terms are contextually appropriate and free from ambiguity. Engaging with academic texts or essays can provide examples of precise vocabulary in context, which can be beneficial for learning.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains multiple spelling errors that hinder readability and professionalism. Words like "agure" (argue), "childrens" (children), "oder" (other), and "affecttive" (effective) demonstrate a lack of attention to spelling accuracy. These errors can distract the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can help improve overall spelling skills. Regular reading and writing practice can also contribute to better spelling through increased exposure to correct forms.

Overall, while the essay shows an understanding of the topic and attempts to engage with complex ideas, the lexical resource could be significantly improved through a broader range of vocabulary, more precise word choices, and careful attention to spelling.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For instance, the use of simple sentences is prevalent, such as "I believe that they should be reform." This sentence lacks complexity and does not effectively convey the writer’s argument. Additionally, the essay includes some compound sentences, but they are often poorly constructed, as seen in "On the one hand, treating young people criminals like they are over 18 gives the victims justice." The phrase "young people criminals" is awkward and lacks clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that combine independent and dependent clauses. For example, instead of saying, "I believe that they should be reform," the writer could say, "I believe that they should be given the opportunity to reform, as this approach acknowledges their potential for change." Practicing the use of relative clauses, conditional sentences, and participial phrases can also add sophistication to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, "childrens are under-18" should be "children under 18," and "major violent offences" is awkwardly phrased. There are also issues with verb tense consistency, as seen in "offender wouldn’t be sent to prison as he committed the crime when he is only 12 years old," where "is" should be "was" to maintain past tense. Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect capitalization (e.g., "i think" should be "I think"), detract from the overall readability.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and ensuring proper capitalization will enhance clarity. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify and correct mistakes before submission.

Overall, while the essay presents a relevant discussion on the topic, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are needed to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on sentence variety and grammatical precision will greatly enhance the effectiveness of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

While many people argue that children under 18 who commit serious violent offenses should be treated like adults, I believe that they should be rehabilitated.

On the one hand, treating young criminals as if they are over 18 provides justice to the victims. A person who has lost a loved one would feel very distressed if criminals do not receive prison sentences simply because they are not old enough. For example, in Vung Tau, the victim was a 9-year-old girl who was sexually assaulted. The offender would not be sent to prison as he committed the crime when he was only 12 years old. As a result, this outraged the victim’s family. However, I think that young offenders should be given the chance to rehabilitate because they are not fully developed as human beings.

On the other hand, it is thought that juvenile offenders are not aware of their actions due to their age and living conditions, as they could be affected by trauma, abuse, or neglect, which significantly influences their behavior. Therefore, they could go through rehabilitative programs such as therapeutic and educational programs. Society could offer these individuals a chance to reform and reintegrate as productive members. For example, in Ho Chi Minh City, where these policies are implemented, many young offenders who received jail sentences could become good citizens after receiving rehabilitation. I believe that this is a perfect way to consider the age of criminals and re-educate them for a better life in the future.

In conclusion, although all criminals under 18 should serve a jail sentence, I believe that this is not entirely suitable for young offenders who should be given the opportunity for rehabilitation as a more effective option for them.