The graph below shows the number of crimes in three different categories in a particular city of United States from 1980 to 2000.

The chart illustrates how many crimes occurred in three different categories in a certain city of the United States between 1980 and 2000.
Overall, there was an increase in the crimes in house burglary and street robbery; meanwhile, a decrease was seen in the figure for car theft. In addition, the figure for street robbery consistently accounted for the lowest figures throughout the period examined.
From 1980 to 1990, the number of crimes in car theft started at exactly 350 cases, after which it experienced a significant drop to precisely 250 cases in 1990. By contrast, just under 200 cases happened in house burglary in 1980, with a subsequent growth to around 300 cases 10 years later. Similarly, the figure for street robbery increased from 50 cases in 1980 to reach a high of 100 cases in 1990.
From 1990 onwards, the figure for car theft witnessed a rise to end at exactly 300 cases. An opposite change can be seen in the figure for house burglary, albeit to some fluctuations, which dropped to 250 cases in 2000. The number of crimes in street robbery decreased slightly to just over 50 cases at the end of the period.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The chart illustrates how many crimes occurred" -> "The chart depicts the number of crimes that occurred"
Explanation: "Depicts" is more precise and formal than "illustrates," and "the number of crimes that occurred" is more specific and appropriate for academic writing than "how many crimes occurred."
"in a certain city of the United States" -> "in a specific city in the United States"
Explanation: "Specific" is more precise and formal than "certain," and "in" is more appropriate than "of" when referring to a location.
"there was an increase in the crimes" -> "there was an increase in the number of crimes"
Explanation: Adding "number of" clarifies that it is the quantity of crimes being discussed, enhancing precision.
"meantime" -> "meanwhile"
Explanation: "Meantime" is less commonly used and can be seen as informal; "meanwhile" is a more standard and formal transitional phrase.
"the figure for" -> "the number of"
Explanation: Consistency in terminology is important in academic writing; using "number of" instead of "figure for" maintains a consistent style throughout the essay.
"consistently accounted for the lowest figures" -> "consistently represented the lowest figures"
Explanation: "Represented" is more precise in this context, indicating that the data reflects the actual numbers, rather than "accounted for," which implies a more general explanation.
"experienced a significant drop" -> "experienced a significant decrease"
Explanation: "Decrease" is more commonly used in academic contexts to describe reductions in numbers, whereas "drop" can be seen as less formal.
"just under 200 cases" -> "approximately 200 cases"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more precise and formal than "just under," which can be vague and informal.
"a subsequent growth to around 300 cases" -> "a subsequent increase to approximately 300 cases"
Explanation: "Increase" is more specific than "growth," and "approximately" is preferred over "around" for a more formal tone.
"witnessed a rise to end at exactly 300 cases" -> "increased to 300 cases"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more direct and formal verb than "witnessed," which is typically used to describe observing events rather than changes in data.
"an opposite change can be seen" -> "a contrasting trend was observed"
Explanation: "Contrasting trend" is a more precise and formal way to describe changes in data patterns, and "was observed" is more appropriate for academic writing than "can be seen."
"albeit to some fluctuations" -> "despite some fluctuations"
Explanation: "Despite" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "albeit," which is often considered informal or conversational.
"dropped to 250 cases" -> "decreased to 250 cases"
Explanation: "Decreased" is more specific and formal than "dropped," which can be seen as colloquial.
"just over 50 cases" -> "approximately 50 cases"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more formal and precise than "just over," which can be vague and informal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but the details are not always accurate. For example, the essay states that the number of car thefts "started at exactly 350 cases" in 1980, but the graph shows that the number was closer to 375. The essay also states that the number of house burglaries "dropped to 250 cases in 2000," but the graph shows that the number was closer to 275.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate details about the data. The writer should also avoid using vague language, such as "just under 200 cases" and "just over 50 cases." Instead, the writer should use precise numbers.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while it uses cohesive devices effectively, there are instances where the cohesion between sentences could be improved, leading to a somewhat mechanical flow. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, as the transitions between different time periods and categories of crime could be made clearer.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer could work on using a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas more fluidly. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that transitions between different sections are more explicit would help in achieving a higher band score. More varied sentence structures and clearer referencing would also contribute to a more cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "illustrates," "experienced," and "witnessed," but there are instances of inaccuracy and repetition. For example, the phrase "the figure for street robbery consistently accounted for the lowest figures" could be more varied in word choice. Additionally, while the essay communicates its message clearly, there are some errors in word formation and phrasing, such as "the number of crimes in street robbery decreased slightly to just over 50 cases at the end of the period," which could be more concisely expressed.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider variety of vocabulary and expressions, avoiding repetition and ensuring precise word choice. Additionally, focusing on the accuracy of less common lexical items and reducing errors in spelling and word formation will help improve clarity and sophistication. Engaging with synonyms and varying sentence structures could also contribute to a more dynamic use of language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While the writer attempts to convey information clearly, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally disrupt the flow of communication. For instance, phrases like "the figure for street robbery consistently accounted for the lowest figures" could be simplified for clarity. The overall structure is coherent, but the presence of errors in grammar and punctuation indicates that the essay does not fully meet the criteria for a higher band.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the accuracy of their grammatical structures and reducing errors in punctuation. Incorporating a wider range of complex sentences while ensuring that they are error-free would also enhance the overall quality. Additionally, revising awkward phrases for clarity and coherence can improve the readability of the essay. Regular practice with feedback can help in identifying and correcting these issues.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart illustrates the number of crimes that occurred in three different categories in a certain city in the United States between 1980 and 2000. Overall, there was an increase in crimes related to house burglary and street robbery, while a decrease was observed in the figure for car theft. Additionally, the figure for street robbery consistently represented the lowest numbers throughout the period examined.

From 1980 to 1990, the number of car thefts started at exactly 350 cases, after which it experienced a significant drop to precisely 250 cases in 1990. In contrast, just under 200 cases of house burglary were reported in 1980, with a subsequent increase to around 300 cases ten years later. Similarly, the figure for street robbery rose from 50 cases in 1980 to reach a peak of 100 cases in 1990.

From 1990 onwards, the figure for car theft witnessed a rise, ending at exactly 300 cases. Conversely, the number of house burglaries, despite some fluctuations, decreased to 250 cases in 2000. The number of street robberies also decreased slightly, finishing at just over 50 cases by the end of the period.