Beauty pageants should not be continued because they are devaluing humans in general and can serve as an obstacle to social progress. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The discourse surrounding the role of beauty pageants in modern society has become increasingly contentious. There exists an assertion that these competitions should be discontinued for its devaluation of individuality and the potential to impede societal advancement. I partly agree with this perspective since beauty contests can serve as platforms for empowerment and offer invaluable opportunities for the contestants.

On the one hand, opponents of establishing beauty pageants base their disapproval on the detrimental impacts on human perceptions of the intrinsic self- worth. Indeed, these competitions often perpetuate a narrow and regressive definition of beauty in which the participants are primarily assessed on their physical appeal, rather than intellectual capabilities or moral attributes. This exaltation of a singular aesthetic standard may instill low self-esteem and a sense of inadequacy among those who cannot conform to these restrictive criteria. For example, women who aspire to enhance their physical attractiveness may resort to self-destructive behaviors such as eating disorders or the increased demand for cosmetology operations. Therefore, this inherent bias significantly hinders individual self-expression, reinforcing homogenous societal norms and ultimately obstructing the progress towards a more inclusive and diverse community.

Nevertheless, beauty contests can also contribute to the social advancement by serving as a platform for personal development and self-confidence. They offer a space for celebration of beauty and talents, encouraging participants to enhance themselves comprehensively to become well-qualified for these competitions. After the end of competitions, they are also provided with economic centivizes such as scholarships, sponsorships, discounts which can be beneficial for their personal and professional growth. Furthermore, beauty queens often participate in charitable work or community engagement activities, which can make positive shifts in the society. Because she is an influential figure, her humanitarian doings, in turn, can inspire a number of people, including the young generation to make more significant contributions to the society. For example, Nguyen Thuc Thuy Tien, who was crowned as Miss Grand International 2022 called for donations of billion dollars, assisting people in the Middle Vietnam who was confronted with a damaging flood that year.

In summary, although beauty pageants can promote unrealistic standards of beauty and relegate individuals' unique attributes to second importance, they also provide precious opportunities for self-development and inspiration for socially beneficial work.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"increasingly contentious" -> "increasingly controversial"
Explanation: "Controversial" is a more precise term in academic contexts, directly referring to the debate or disagreement surrounding the topic, whereas "contentious" can imply a more personal or emotional nature, which is less suitable for formal writing.
"partly agree" -> "partially agree"
Explanation: "Partially" is more formal and precise in academic writing, aligning better with the objective tone required in scholarly discourse.
"serve as platforms for empowerment" -> "function as empowerment platforms"
Explanation: Reversing the phrase structure enhances clarity and formality, making it more suitable for academic writing.
"invaluable opportunities" -> "significant opportunities"
Explanation: "Invaluable" can imply a subjective value judgment, whereas "significant" is more neutral and academically appropriate, focusing on the importance rather than the value.
"opponents of establishing" -> "those who oppose the establishment of"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the subject and verb structure, making the sentence more formal and precise.
"detrimental impacts" -> "adverse effects"
Explanation: "Adverse effects" is a more formal and commonly used term in academic writing to describe negative consequences.
"exaltation of a singular aesthetic standard" -> "elevation of a singular aesthetic standard"
Explanation: "Elevation" is a more formal synonym for "exaltation," fitting better in an academic context.
"self-destructive behaviors" -> "self-harmful behaviors"
Explanation: "Self-harmful" is a more precise and medically accurate term than "self-destructive," which can be seen as overly dramatic.
"cosmetology operations" -> "cosmetic procedures"
Explanation: "Cosmetic procedures" is a more specific and medically appropriate term than "operations," which can imply surgery.
"economic centivizes" -> "economic incentives"
Explanation: "Incentives" is the correct term, not "centivizes," which is a misspelling and not commonly used in this context.
"Because she is an influential figure, her humanitarian doings" -> "As a prominent figure, her humanitarian efforts"
Explanation: "Efforts" is more appropriate than "doings," which is less formal and can be vague. "Prominent" is also more precise than "influential."
"make positive shifts in the society" -> "positively impact society"
Explanation: "Positively impact" is a more concise and formal way to express the effect on society.
"called for donations of billion dollars" -> "called for a billion-dollar donation"
Explanation: "A billion-dollar donation" is grammatically correct and clearer than "donations of billion dollars."
"confronted with a damaging flood" -> "affected by a devastating flood"
Explanation: "Affected by" is more precise and formal than "confronted with," which can imply a more personal or confrontational situation.

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding beauty pageants. The author states a partial agreement with the assertion that beauty pageants should not continue due to their devaluation of individuality and their potential hindrance to social progress. The essay effectively outlines the negative impacts of beauty pageants, such as the promotion of narrow beauty standards and their psychological effects on participants. However, it also acknowledges the positive aspects, such as empowerment and opportunities for personal development. While both perspectives are presented, the essay could benefit from a more explicit articulation of the extent of agreement or disagreement with the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should clarify their position more definitively. Instead of stating "I partly agree," the essay could specify the degree of agreement and provide a more balanced exploration of both sides. This could involve dedicating a paragraph to explicitly stating the extent of agreement and summarizing the reasons for this stance.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position, indicating a partial agreement with the idea that beauty pageants should not continue. However, the use of "partly agree" introduces ambiguity, which may confuse the reader regarding the author’s true stance. The essay does provide arguments for both sides, but the balance between them could lead to a lack of clarity in the overall position.
- How to improve: The author should strive for a more definitive position. This can be achieved by explicitly stating their viewpoint in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion. Additionally, using transitional phrases to connect arguments back to the main position can help maintain clarity throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, particularly regarding the negative impacts of beauty pageants on self-esteem and societal norms. The examples provided, such as the case of Nguyen Thuc Thuy Tien, illustrate the positive contributions of beauty queens to society. However, some arguments, particularly those supporting the positive aspects of beauty pageants, could be more thoroughly developed. For instance, the mention of scholarships and sponsorships lacks specific details about how these opportunities directly benefit the contestants.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author should include more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, elaborating on how beauty pageants can lead to personal development or providing statistics on the impact of scholarships could enhance the argument. Additionally, ensuring that each idea is clearly linked back to the main thesis will help reinforce the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of beauty pageants on individuality and social progress. However, there are moments where the discussion could veer slightly off-topic, particularly when discussing the specific contributions of beauty queens without directly linking them back to the main argument about the value of beauty pageants.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central thesis. This can be achieved by consistently linking examples and arguments back to the main question of whether beauty pageants should continue. Additionally, avoiding overly detailed anecdotes that do not serve to reinforce the main argument will help keep the essay concise and relevant.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with an introduction that outlines the writer’s stance and two main body paragraphs that discuss opposing views. The first paragraph effectively critiques beauty pageants, while the second paragraph highlights their potential benefits. However, the transition between these two contrasting viewpoints could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the negative impacts of beauty pageants to their potential benefits feels abrupt, which can disrupt the flow of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences that explicitly connect the two contrasting ideas. For example, after discussing the negative aspects, a sentence like "Despite these significant drawbacks, it is important to acknowledge the potential benefits that beauty pageants can offer" would create a clearer link between the two paragraphs.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, with the first paragraph dedicated to the negative implications and the second to the positive aspects of beauty pageants. However, the second paragraph could be further divided to enhance clarity, particularly where it discusses the benefits of beauty pageants and the example of Nguyen Thuc Thuy Tien.
- How to improve: Consider breaking the second paragraph into two smaller paragraphs: one focusing on the personal development and economic incentives provided by beauty pageants, and the other discussing the charitable contributions of beauty queens. This division would allow for a more focused discussion on each point and improve overall coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand," "nevertheless," and "for example," which help to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied. Some phrases, like "for example," are repeated, which may detract from the overall sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "for example," you could use "such as," "for instance," or "to illustrate." Additionally, using more complex cohesive devices, such as "in contrast" or "consequently," can enhance the sophistication of the argument and improve the overall flow of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view. By focusing on improving transitions between ideas, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can enhance the coherence and cohesion of their argument, potentially achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, utilizing terms such as "contentious," "devaluation," "empowerment," and "homogenous." These choices reflect a strong grasp of academic language and the ability to articulate complex ideas. However, some phrases, such as "the increased demand for cosmetology operations," could be more succinctly expressed, potentially leading to a slight dilution of the essay’s impact.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more varied synonyms and expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "beauty," you might use alternatives like "aesthetic appeal" or "physical allure." Additionally, integrating idiomatic expressions or collocations relevant to the topic could further enrich the language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary accurately, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "economic centivizes" appears to be a typographical error, likely intended to be "economic incentives." Furthermore, the term "self-destructive behaviors" is appropriate, but the context could be more clearly linked to the topic of beauty pageants for enhanced clarity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, it is crucial to proofread for typographical errors and ensure that all terms are used in the correct context. Consider revising sentences to clarify the relationship between concepts. For example, explicitly linking "self-destructive behaviors" to the pressures of beauty standards would strengthen the argument.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is mostly free of spelling errors, which demonstrates a good level of attention to detail. However, the aforementioned "centivizes" is a notable spelling mistake that detracts from the overall quality of the writing. Such errors can undermine the reader’s confidence in the writer’s language proficiency.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, it is advisable to engage in regular practice with spelling exercises and utilize tools such as spell checkers. Additionally, reading extensively can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts. Finally, consider setting aside time for a thorough proofreading session after completing the essay to catch any overlooked mistakes.

Overall, while the essay showcases a solid command of vocabulary and generally meets the criteria for a Band 7 in Lexical Resource, attention to precision, range, and spelling will be essential for achieving a higher score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "Indeed, these competitions often perpetuate a narrow and regressive definition of beauty" showcases a sophisticated command of language. The writer effectively employs subordinate clauses, such as "which can make positive shifts in the society," to add depth to their arguments. However, there are instances where simpler structures could have been enhanced for clarity, such as "they are also provided with economic centivizes such as scholarships," which could be rephrased for smoother reading.
- How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and transition words to enhance the flow between ideas. For example, using phrases like "In addition to this," or "Conversely," can help to clearly delineate contrasting points. Additionally, experimenting with different sentence lengths and types (e.g., rhetorical questions or exclamatory sentences) could add dynamism to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors present. For example, the phrase "the detrimental impacts on human perceptions of the intrinsic self-worth" is grammatically correct, but the use of "its" in "for its devaluation of individuality" should be "their" to agree with "competitions." Additionally, punctuation is mostly accurate, although there are a few instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "which can make positive shifts in the society," where a comma after "activities" would help separate the clauses more effectively.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, particularly in complex sentences. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common pitfalls, such as pronoun agreement and the use of articles, could be beneficial. For punctuation, reviewing rules regarding the use of commas in complex sentences will help clarify meaning and improve readability. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify areas where punctuation may be lacking.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and presents a balanced argument, but attention to minor grammatical details and further diversification of sentence structures could elevate it to an even higher standard.

Bài sửa mẫu

The discourse surrounding the role of beauty pageants in modern society has become increasingly controversial. There exists an assertion that these competitions should be discontinued due to their devaluation of individuality and their potential to impede social progress. I partially agree with this perspective, as beauty contests can function as empowerment platforms and offer significant opportunities for the contestants.

On the one hand, those who oppose the establishment of beauty pageants base their disapproval on the adverse effects these competitions have on human perceptions of intrinsic self-worth. Indeed, these contests often perpetuate a narrow and regressive definition of beauty, where participants are primarily assessed on their physical appeal rather than their intellectual capabilities or moral attributes. This elevation of a singular aesthetic standard may instill low self-esteem and a sense of inadequacy among those who cannot conform to these restrictive criteria. For example, women who aspire to enhance their physical attractiveness may resort to self-harmful behaviors such as eating disorders or an increased demand for cosmetic procedures. Therefore, this inherent bias significantly hinders individual self-expression, reinforcing homogeneous societal norms and ultimately obstructing progress towards a more inclusive and diverse community.

Nevertheless, beauty contests can also contribute to social advancement by serving as platforms for personal development and self-confidence. They offer a space for the celebration of beauty and talents, encouraging participants to enhance themselves comprehensively to become well-qualified for these competitions. After the conclusion of these events, contestants are often provided with economic incentives such as scholarships, sponsorships, and discounts, which can be beneficial for their personal and professional growth. Furthermore, beauty queens frequently engage in charitable work or community activities, which can positively impact society. As a prominent figure, her humanitarian efforts can inspire many, including the younger generation, to make more significant contributions to society. For example, Nguyen Thuc Thuy Tien, who was crowned Miss Grand International 2022, called for a billion-dollar donation to assist people in Central Vietnam who were affected by a devastating flood that year.

In summary, although beauty pageants can promote unrealistic standards of beauty and relegate individuals’ unique attributes to a secondary importance, they also provide precious opportunities for self-development and inspiration for socially beneficial work.