Some people think that young people should follow the traditions of the society. While other people think that young people should be free to behave as individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people think that young people should follow the traditions of the society. While other people think that young people should be free to behave as individuals.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There has been an ongoing debate on whether the young generations should follow the society behaviours’ norms or they should be given the liberty to act as individuals. Personally, I am of the opinion that both the views have their own merits and a balanced approach would be appropriate.

On the one hand, requiring adolescents to follow the traditions of society has certain advantages both for individuals and society. Maintaining these societal norms could be seen as a measure to deepen countries’ distinctive cultures. For example, Asians youngsters are familiar with cultural traditions such as visiting the temples or being given lucky money on Lunar new year. By continuing to follow these beautiful traditions, the young generation could not only enrich their cultures but also preserve what has been inherited over time. Meanwhile, the young living in Western are likely to be independent since they usually moved out of home at the age of eighteen to pursue their own living styes, which might foster their independence from an early stage. Furthermore, globalization lead to cultural intertwine, which might result in the adaptation of these two cultures and eventually creating a new culture.

On the other hand, allowing younger generations to behave as they wish also benefits their personal growth as well as the businesses. The advent of social media creates a playground for every individual to express their own point of views, enabling them to create groundbreaking campaigns. For example, instead of old advertisements on televisions or newspapers, generation Z has introduced a different, yet effective means to promote their products, through Tiktok channels. This resulted in a mass revenue generated after a mega live stream, bringing great success for the companies. In addition, if the young are restricted to some old fashions of thought or behaviours, this could hinder their creativity since they cannot try new ideas.

In conclusion, although following traditional concepts has numerous advantages such as preserving cultures distinction and develop cross-cultural experiences, allowing young people to behave the way they want also fosters their personal development and benefits the businesses. Therefore, I strongly believe that a balanced integration of both the concepts would be appropriate.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "society behaviours’ norms" -> "social norms"
   Explanation: The term "society behaviors’ norms" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Social norms" is a more precise and academically appropriate term that refers to the accepted behaviors and attitudes within a society.

2. "they should be given the liberty to act as individuals" -> "they should be granted the freedom to act as individuals"
   Explanation: "Given the liberty" is somewhat informal and vague. "Granted the freedom" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better.

3. "both the views have their own merits" -> "both perspectives have their own merits"
   Explanation: "Views" can be replaced with "perspectives" to enhance the formality and specificity of the language, aligning better with academic discourse.

4. "requiring adolescents to follow the traditions of society" -> "mandating adherence to societal traditions"
   Explanation: "Mandating adherence to societal traditions" is more formal and precise, avoiding the casual tone of "requiring adolescents to follow the traditions of society."

5. "Asians youngsters" -> "Asian youngsters"
   Explanation: "Asians youngsters" is grammatically incorrect. "Asian youngsters" is the correct form, referring to young people from Asia.

6. "being given lucky money on Lunar new year" -> "receiving red envelopes during Lunar New Year"
   Explanation: "Being given lucky money" is informal and vague. "Receiving red envelopes during Lunar New Year" is more specific and culturally accurate, as red envelopes are a traditional part of Lunar New Year celebrations in many Asian cultures.

7. "the young living in Western" -> "young people living in Western countries"
   Explanation: "The young living in Western" is grammatically incorrect and vague. "Young people living in Western countries" is grammatically correct and more specific.

8. "the age of eighteen to pursue their own living styes" -> "the age of 18 to pursue their own lifestyles"
   Explanation: "Living styes" is a typographical error and incorrect usage. "Lifestyles" is the correct term, and "18" should be written numerically for consistency with academic style.

9. "globalization lead to cultural intertwine" -> "globalization leads to cultural intertwining"
   Explanation: "Globalization lead" is grammatically incorrect. "Globalization leads" corrects the verb tense, and "cultural intertwining" is the correct form of the noun phrase, enhancing the formal tone.

10. "allowing younger generations to behave as they wish" -> "permitting younger generations to act as they choose"
    Explanation: "Behave as they wish" is somewhat informal and vague. "Act as they choose" is more formal and precise, suitable for academic writing.

11. "a playground for every individual to express their own point of views" -> "a platform for individuals to express their own viewpoints"
    Explanation: "A playground for every individual" is informal and imprecise. "A platform for individuals" is more formal and appropriate for academic contexts, and "viewpoints" is the correct plural form of "viewpoint."

12. "a mass revenue generated" -> "substantial revenue generated"
    Explanation: "A mass revenue" is incorrect and unclear. "Substantial revenue" is a more precise and appropriate term in this context, indicating a significant amount of money.

13. "old fashions of thought or behaviours" -> "traditional modes of thought or behavior"
    Explanation: "Old fashions of thought or behaviors" is awkward and informal. "Traditional modes of thought or behavior" is more formal and academically suitable.

14. "behave the way they want" -> "act as they choose"
    Explanation: "Behave the way they want" is informal and slightly colloquial. "Act as they choose" is more formal and fits the academic style better.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding whether young people should adhere to societal traditions or have the freedom to express themselves as individuals. The first body paragraph discusses the advantages of following traditions, citing examples such as cultural practices in Asia. The second body paragraph presents the benefits of individual expression, particularly through social media, which is relevant to the prompt. However, while both views are discussed, the essay could have provided a more explicit comparison between the two perspectives to enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer could include a more direct comparison of the benefits and drawbacks of each view. This could involve explicitly stating how the advantages of one perspective might counterbalance the other, thereby providing a more nuanced discussion.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer’s position is clear from the outset, stating a preference for a balanced approach. This position is maintained throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion. However, the introduction could be strengthened by more clearly outlining the writer’s stance on the issue, as it currently presents a somewhat neutral tone.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency of position, the writer should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion with more emphasis. Phrasing such as "In my view" or "I strongly advocate for" could reinforce the writer’s stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a range of ideas, supported by relevant examples, such as cultural traditions in Asia and the impact of social media on business. However, some ideas could be further developed. For instance, the mention of globalization and cultural intertwining is a significant point but lacks elaboration on how this specifically relates to the youth’s identity and behavior.
  • How to improve: To effectively present and extend ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on key points with more detailed examples or explanations. For instance, discussing how globalization specifically affects youth culture could provide a deeper understanding of the topic.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt effectively. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened, particularly in the second body paragraph where the discussion of businesses, while relevant, could be more closely tied to the individual behavior of young people.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all examples and arguments directly relate back to the prompt. This could involve framing the discussion of businesses in the context of how individual expression among youth leads to innovative marketing strategies, thereby linking it back to the main topic of youth behavior.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task, with clear ideas and relevant examples. By refining the comparison between views, clarifying the position, extending key ideas, and maintaining a tighter focus on the topic, the writer could further enhance the quality of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing opposing views, and a conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the debate, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. For instance, the first body paragraph effectively discusses the advantages of following societal traditions, while the second body paragraph highlights the benefits of individual expression. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother, as the connection between the two viewpoints is somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link the two viewpoints. For example, at the end of the first body paragraph, a sentence like "However, there are compelling arguments for allowing young people the freedom to express themselves" could create a more seamless transition to the opposing view.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct idea. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and the conclusion summarizes the main points. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of each paragraph. For instance, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence that directly states the advantages of adhering to societal traditions.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences of each paragraph to provide a clearer roadmap for the reader. For example, the first body paragraph could begin with, "Adhering to societal traditions offers several benefits, including cultural preservation and a sense of community." This would help in reinforcing the main idea right from the start.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," to delineate contrasting views. Additionally, phrases like "for example" and "in addition" are used to introduce supporting details. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the flow could be improved with more varied connectors. For example, the phrase "Furthermore" is used, but alternatives like "Moreover" or "Additionally" could enhance the variety.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, consider using "Conversely" to introduce the opposing viewpoint or "Consequently" to indicate the results of a particular argument. This will not only improve the flow of ideas but also demonstrate a more sophisticated use of language.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to achieving a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with terms like "liberty," "societal norms," "cultural traditions," and "groundbreaking campaigns." These choices effectively convey the writer’s ideas and contribute to the overall clarity of the argument. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied or sophisticated. For example, phrases like "young generations" and "old fashions of thought" could be replaced with more nuanced alternatives such as "youth" or "traditional mindsets."
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider incorporating synonyms and more complex expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "young generations," using "youth" or "adolescents" in different contexts could add variety. Engaging with a thesaurus or reading more diverse texts can help in discovering new vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary effectively, there are moments of imprecision. For example, the phrase "the young living in Western" is awkward and could be more clearly stated as "young people living in Western societies." Additionally, "cultural intertwine" is somewhat vague; a more precise term like "cultural exchange" would better convey the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and specificity in word choice. Reviewing sentences for potential ambiguities and replacing vague terms with more specific language will enhance the overall quality. For example, revising "the adaptation of these two cultures" to "the blending of these two cultures" would provide clearer imagery.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors such as "behaviours’ norms" (should be "behavioural norms") and "Tiktok" (should be "TikTok"). These errors, while not pervasive, indicate a need for careful proofreading.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can be beneficial. Regular practice with spelling exercises or quizzes can also help reinforce correct spelling habits.

Overall, the essay reflects a solid command of lexical resource, but with targeted improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling, the writer can aim for an even higher band score in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some compound sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "Personally, I am of the opinion that both the views have their own merits" showcases an attempt to express nuanced opinions. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the sentence "The advent of social media creates a playground for every individual to express their own point of views" could be restructured to enhance clarity and engagement.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "the young living in Western are likely to be independent," you could say, "Young people living in Western societies, who often move out of their homes at the age of eighteen, are likely to develop independence." Additionally, varying the use of introductory phrases and transition words can help create a more dynamic flow in the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, "the society behaviours’ norms" should be corrected to "the societal behavioral norms" for grammatical correctness. Additionally, punctuation errors, such as the missing commas in compound sentences, can lead to confusion. For example, in the sentence "Meanwhile, the young living in Western are likely to be independent since they usually moved out of home at the age of eighteen to pursue their own living styes," the phrase "the young living in Western" is awkward and could be better punctuated for clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of possessive forms. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help solidify these concepts. Furthermore, proofreading for punctuation errors, especially in complex sentences, can improve clarity. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation issues that may not be immediately obvious when reading silently.

Overall, while the essay achieves a solid Band 7 score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and correcting grammatical and punctuation errors will help elevate the writing quality further.

Bài sửa mẫu

There has been an ongoing debate on whether young generations should adhere to societal norms or be granted the freedom to act as individuals. Personally, I believe that both perspectives have their own merits, and a balanced approach would be most appropriate.

On the one hand, mandating adherence to societal traditions has certain advantages for both individuals and society. Upholding these social norms can be seen as a way to deepen a country’s distinctive culture. For example, Asian youngsters are familiar with cultural traditions such as visiting temples or receiving red envelopes during Lunar New Year. By continuing to follow these beautiful customs, the younger generation can not only enrich their cultural heritage but also preserve what has been inherited over time. Meanwhile, young people living in Western countries are likely to be more independent, as they often move out of their homes at the age of 18 to pursue their own lifestyles, which may foster their independence from an early age. Furthermore, globalization leads to cultural intertwining, which can result in the adaptation of these two cultures and eventually create a new cultural landscape.

On the other hand, permitting younger generations to act as they choose also benefits their personal growth as well as businesses. The advent of social media has created a platform for individuals to express their own viewpoints, enabling them to launch groundbreaking campaigns. For instance, instead of relying on traditional advertisements in televisions or newspapers, Generation Z has introduced innovative and effective means to promote their products through TikTok channels. This has resulted in substantial revenue generated after mega live streams, bringing great success to companies. Additionally, if young people are restricted to traditional modes of thought or behavior, this could hinder their creativity, as they may not have the opportunity to explore new ideas.

In conclusion, although following traditional concepts has numerous advantages, such as preserving cultural distinctions and developing cross-cultural experiences, allowing young people to behave as they wish also fosters their personal development and benefits businesses. Therefore, I strongly believe that a balanced integration of both perspectives would be the most appropriate approach.