The government should control the Internet to reduce cyber-crime and ensure safety of users. To what extent to you agree or disagree with this statement? In about 350 words, write an essay to express your opinion on the issue. Use reasons and examples to support your opinion.

The government should control the Internet to reduce cyber-crime and ensure safety of users.
To what extent to you agree or disagree with this statement?
In about 350 words, write an essay to express your opinion on the issue. Use reasons and examples to support your opinion.

The proposal of authorities taking control of the Internet sparked an ongoing debate, with some individuals affirming that this will put their privacy in jeopardy. While comprehending the rationale behind this viewpoint, I would contend that this seeming invasion may actually benefits the users themselves in various underlying aspects.
Opponents of the Internet being under government’s management claim that this would entitle them to observe their private life by virtue of the governors’ administrative access. This will accordingly trigger an array of personal issues and discourage them from sharing their life online, ultimately resulting in a dwindling number of Internet users. However, the concerned notion overlooks the fact that only essential information, for example web cookies, are collected, as in advertisements, and only suspected or reported subjects are under monitoring. In fact, it is cybercriminals that effectively attempt to access your secrets, and Internet supervisors are those who eliminate these dangerous threats.

I am of the belief that the introduction of Internet controlling system is vital to form a trustable and sustainable online environment. Undoubtedly, there are a great many users accessing the Internet daily, which essentially comes with a constant need for those maintaining and repairing the errors and faults occurred. This not only aims at a convenient and continuous experience, but also prevents the proliferation of malware disguising as social platforms or apps, which may deceive users into voluntarily giving personal information for immoral purposes. Besides, the governors still cannot eject every single underlying nefarious activities, from either clone accounts or right your acquaintances, and the recorded details would be particularly useful were there any trouble observed. The prime example is that a large group of cyber-victims suffering from online fraud, offence or blackmail has been reported to the digital polices, and cases of crime have been detected by accessing the recorded information.
In conclusion, while the concept of supervised online space may seem ridiculous and immortal at first, this is actually an integral part of public services. I am conceived that should Internet users be more aware of their daily sharing and the prevailing threats coexisting with the achieved benefits, there will be no need to afraid this light supervision, promoting the quality of online environment as a whole.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "authorities taking control of the Internet" -> "authorities regulating the Internet"
   Explanation: "Regulating" is a more precise term in this context, as it implies a formal, structured management of the Internet, which is more appropriate for an academic discussion about governance policies.

2. "put their privacy in jeopardy" -> "compromise their privacy"
   Explanation: "Compromise" is a more formal and precise term that accurately describes the potential impact on privacy, aligning better with academic language.

3. "this seeming invasion" -> "this perceived invasion"
   Explanation: "Perceived" is a more academically appropriate term than "seeming," which can imply a subjective or superficial quality that is less formal.

4. "may actually benefits" -> "may actually benefit"
   Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error from "benefits" to "benefit" to maintain subject-verb agreement.

5. "Opponents of the Internet being under government’s management" -> "Opponents of government management of the Internet"
   Explanation: Reversing the phrase structure improves clarity and flow, making it more direct and formal.

6. "virtue of the governors’ administrative access" -> "due to the governors’ administrative access"
   Explanation: "Due to" is a more formal preposition than "by virtue of," which is somewhat archaic and less commonly used in modern academic writing.

7. "trigger an array of personal issues" -> "pose a range of personal issues"
   Explanation: "Pose" is a more precise verb in this context, indicating the potential risks or challenges more effectively than "trigger."

8. "dwindling number of Internet users" -> "decline in the number of Internet users"
   Explanation: "Decline" is a more specific and formal term than "dwindling," which can be vague and informal.

9. "only essential information, for example web cookies" -> "only essential information, such as web cookies"
   Explanation: "Such as" is more appropriate than "for example" in this context, as it introduces a non-exhaustive list of examples.

10. "eliminate these dangerous threats" -> "mitigate these threats"
    Explanation: "Mitigate" is a more precise term that suggests reducing the severity or impact of threats, which is more accurate than "eliminate," which implies complete removal.

11. "Internet controlling system" -> "Internet control system"
    Explanation: "Control" is a more concise and formal term than "controlling," which is redundant in this context.

12. "form a trustable and sustainable online environment" -> "establish a trustworthy and sustainable online environment"
    Explanation: "Establish" is a more formal verb than "form," and "trustworthy" is the correct adjective form to use with "environment."

13. "a great many users" -> "many users"
    Explanation: "A great many" is somewhat informal and vague; "many" is more direct and suitable for academic writing.

14. "maintaining and repairing the errors and faults occurred" -> "maintaining and repairing errors and faults that occur"
    Explanation: Adding "that occur" clarifies the subject of the verb, improving grammatical structure and formality.

15. "right your acquaintances" -> "those of your acquaintances"
    Explanation: "Those of your acquaintances" is grammatically correct and clearer than "right your acquaintances," which is awkward and incorrect.

16. "I am conceived that" -> "I am convinced that"
    Explanation: "Convinced" is the correct term for expressing a strong belief or opinion, whereas "conceived" is not appropriate in this context.

17. "there will be no need to afraid this light supervision" -> "there will be no need to fear this light supervision"
    Explanation: Corrects the verb "afraid" to "fear," which is the correct form for expressing fear in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding government control of the Internet. The author acknowledges the concerns about privacy while presenting a counterargument that emphasizes the benefits of such control in reducing cyber-crime. However, the essay could have more explicitly stated the extent of agreement or disagreement with the statement, which is crucial for a clear response to the prompt.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly articulate their stance at the beginning and reiterate it throughout the essay. A more direct response to the extent of agreement or disagreement would strengthen the overall argument. For example, stating "I strongly agree that government control is necessary to ensure user safety" at the outset would provide clarity.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that leans towards supporting government control of the Internet, but the clarity of this position fluctuates. The initial acknowledgment of privacy concerns may confuse readers about the author’s true stance. Phrases like "I would contend" and "I am of the belief" suggest uncertainty rather than a firm position.
  • How to improve: The author should use more assertive language to convey their opinion. Instead of hedging with phrases like "I would contend," the writer could say, "I firmly believe that government control is essential." Consistent reinforcement of this clear position throughout the essay will help maintain focus and coherence.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the benefits of government control, such as the protection against cybercriminals and the need for a safe online environment. However, some points lack sufficient elaboration or concrete examples. For instance, while the mention of "cyber-victims suffering from online fraud" is relevant, it could be strengthened by providing specific statistics or case studies to illustrate the impact of cybercrime.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence to support their claims. Incorporating specific instances of cybercrime and how government intervention has successfully mitigated these issues would enhance the argument’s credibility.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of government control over the Internet. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly convoluted, particularly in the explanation of monitoring practices and the role of "Internet supervisors." This could distract from the main argument about the necessity of government control.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the central argument. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that each section contributes to the overall thesis. Additionally, avoiding overly complex phrases or tangential ideas will help keep the essay concise and on topic.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, enhancing clarity, providing more substantial support for ideas, and maintaining a consistent focus will help elevate the score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the government’s role in controlling the Internet to combat cyber-crime. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs follow a logical progression. For instance, the first body paragraph addresses the concerns of privacy invasion, while the second paragraph counters these concerns by discussing the benefits of government oversight. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother; for example, the shift from discussing privacy to the necessity of control feels abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "On the other hand," or "Furthermore," can help guide the reader through the argument more seamlessly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph has a distinct focus, with the first addressing opposing views and the second supporting the author’s stance. However, the paragraphs could benefit from more uniformity in length and depth; the second paragraph is significantly longer and more detailed than the first, which can disrupt the balance of the essay.
  • How to improve: Aim for a more balanced approach by ensuring that each paragraph is of similar length and depth. This can be achieved by expanding on the points made in the first paragraph or condensing some of the arguments in the second. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear concluding sentence can reinforce the main idea and provide a sense of closure.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "besides," and "in fact," which help to connect ideas. These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. Nevertheless, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "this will accordingly trigger an array of personal issues" could be better linked to the previous sentence to clarify the cause-and-effect relationship.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "consequently," "therefore," "in addition," and "for instance." Additionally, consider using referencing techniques, such as pronouns or synonyms, to avoid repetition and enhance cohesion. For example, instead of repeatedly using "the Internet," you could refer to it as "the online space" or "the digital realm" in subsequent mentions.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical flow, paragraph balance, and the use of cohesive devices can elevate the writing to a higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as "jeopardy," "invasion," "proliferation," and "nefarious." These words effectively convey the writer’s arguments and enhance the overall quality of the essay. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the phrase "essential information" is repeated, and alternatives could be used to avoid redundancy.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "essential information," alternatives like "crucial data" or "vital details" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more sophisticated phrases or idiomatic expressions could elevate the essay’s lexical diversity.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains both precise and imprecise vocabulary choices. For example, the phrase "the governors still cannot eject every single underlying nefarious activities" contains an imprecise use of "eject," which is not typically used in this context. A more appropriate term might be "eliminate" or "eradicate." Furthermore, the phrase "the concerned notion overlooks" is somewhat vague and could be articulated more clearly.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should review their word choices and ensure that they fit the context accurately. Using a thesaurus can help find more suitable words, but it is crucial to understand the nuances of each word. Practicing paraphrasing sentences can also aid in developing a clearer and more precise vocabulary.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the spelling in the essay is accurate, with no significant errors that detract from the clarity of the arguments. However, there are minor issues, such as "benefits" being used instead of "benefit" in the phrase "this seeming invasion may actually benefits the users," which indicates a grammatical oversight rather than a spelling error.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on common grammatical structures and ensuring that subject-verb agreement is maintained. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can also help catch errors that may be overlooked during silent reading.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary and generally effective spelling, there are opportunities for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and grammatical accuracy. By incorporating more varied vocabulary, ensuring precise word choices, and maintaining careful attention to spelling and grammar, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For instance, phrases like "While comprehending the rationale behind this viewpoint" and "this seeming invasion may actually benefits the users themselves" showcase an attempt to use varied grammatical forms. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and structural errors, such as "the governors still cannot eject every single underlying nefarious activities," which should be "eject every single underlying nefarious activity" to maintain subject-verb agreement.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more compound-complex sentences and use a wider array of conjunctions to connect ideas. Practicing the use of relative clauses and participial phrases could also add sophistication to the writing. Additionally, reviewing subject-verb agreement rules and ensuring consistency in number (singular/plural) would strengthen the overall grammatical range.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors that detract from clarity. For example, "this seeming invasion may actually benefits the users" should be corrected to "may actually benefit the users." Additionally, the phrase "the governors still cannot eject every single underlying nefarious activities" contains a subject-verb agreement issue, as mentioned earlier. Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are a few run-on sentences that could benefit from clearer separation to enhance readability.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and verb forms. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers could help identify and correct mistakes. Furthermore, breaking down longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones can improve overall comprehension and reduce the risk of run-on sentences. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common problem areas would also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical range and accuracy, attention to specific errors and a concerted effort to diversify sentence structures will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The proposal of authorities regulating the Internet has sparked an ongoing debate, with some individuals asserting that this will compromise their privacy. While I understand the rationale behind this viewpoint, I contend that this perceived invasion may actually benefit users in various significant ways.

Opponents of government management of the Internet argue that such control would allow authorities to observe their private lives due to the governors’ administrative access. This could trigger a range of personal issues and discourage individuals from sharing their lives online, ultimately leading to a decline in the number of Internet users. However, this concern overlooks the fact that only essential information, such as web cookies, is collected for advertising purposes, and only suspected or reported subjects are monitored. In reality, it is cybercriminals who attempt to access your secrets, while Internet supervisors work to eliminate these dangerous threats.

I am convinced that the introduction of an Internet control system is vital to establish a trustworthy and sustainable online environment. Undoubtedly, many users access the Internet daily, which creates a constant need for those maintaining and repairing errors and faults that occur. This not only aims to provide a convenient and continuous experience but also prevents the proliferation of malware disguised as social platforms or apps, which may deceive users into voluntarily giving personal information for immoral purposes. Furthermore, authorities cannot eliminate every single nefarious activity, such as clone accounts or impersonations of your acquaintances, but the recorded details would be particularly useful if any trouble arises. A prime example is the large number of cyber-victims suffering from online fraud, offenses, or blackmail who have reported their cases to digital police, leading to the detection of crimes through the analysis of recorded information.

In conclusion, while the concept of a supervised online space may seem daunting at first, it is actually an integral part of public services. I believe that if Internet users become more aware of their daily sharing and the prevailing threats coexisting with the benefits of the Internet, there will be no need to fear this light supervision, ultimately promoting the quality of the online environment as a whole.