Some people think that sports play an important role in the development of society. Others think they are nothing more than a leisure activity. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In the contemporary world, many people claim that sports evolve in social evolution, while the others argue that they only act as an entertaining activity. From my point of view, I strongly believe in the fact that they not only are leisure activities, but also bring more perks for the community than that.

To begin with, playing sports does indeed cover all the benefits of a leisure activity, including the improvement of both physical health and mentality. In particular, a plethora of research from all around the world has shown that people who engage frequently in sports have less chance of suffering through serious diseases than those who do not participate often in their life. In terms of mental health, most people find sports as a cure for their disorders such as depression or pessimism. This is because they can get rid of stress by activating energy circulation, which occurs when our body produces positive energy to replace the old one, while attending those physical required activities.

On the other hand, sports actually have more positive effects on the development of society in various ways. Firstly, it gives people the opportunity to make friends with strangers, expanding their relationship thereafter. For example, people who are a big fan of golf may interact easier with others in the golf society due to the same hobby. In addition, sports raise the whole community toward a healthy lifestyle. For instance, when any sports are widely spreaded, people use to follow the trend and play it for pleasure. For that reason, whether they will stick to it in the future or not, at least they still unintentionally enhance their health.

In conclusion, as far as I'm concerned, sports play an important role in various aspects of the development of society.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"many people claim" -> "many individuals assert"
Explanation: Replacing "people claim" with "individuals assert" elevates the formality and specificity of the language, making it more suitable for academic writing.
"sports evolve in social evolution" -> "sports contribute to social evolution"
Explanation: The phrase "evolve in social evolution" is awkward and unclear. "Contribute to social evolution" is more precise and contextually appropriate, indicating a positive impact on societal development.
"they only act as an entertaining activity" -> "they are solely an entertainment activity"
Explanation: "Act as" is somewhat vague and informal; "are solely an entertainment activity" is more direct and formal, clearly stating the limited role of sports.
"I strongly believe in the fact that" -> "I firmly believe that"
Explanation: "I strongly believe in the fact that" is redundant; "I firmly believe that" is more concise and maintains the formal tone.
"not only are leisure activities, but also bring more perks" -> "not only serve as leisure activities but also offer additional benefits"
Explanation: "Bring more perks" is informal and vague; "offer additional benefits" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"playing sports does indeed cover all the benefits" -> "participating in sports indeed encompasses all the benefits"
Explanation: "Does indeed cover" is somewhat informal and less precise; "encompasses" is more formal and accurately describes the comprehensive nature of the benefits.
"plethora of research" -> "abundance of research"
Explanation: "Plethora" can be seen as slightly informal and less precise; "abundance" is a more formal synonym that maintains the intended meaning.
"have less chance of suffering through serious diseases" -> "are less likely to suffer from serious diseases"
Explanation: "Have less chance of suffering through" is awkward and informal; "are less likely to suffer from" is more direct and formal.
"most people find sports as a cure" -> "many individuals consider sports a cure"
Explanation: "Find sports as a cure" is informal and imprecise; "consider sports a cure" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"activating energy circulation" -> "stimulating energy circulation"
Explanation: "Activating" is less specific in this context; "stimulating" is more precise and scientifically accurate in describing the effect of sports on energy flow.
"our body produces positive energy to replace the old one" -> "the body generates positive energy to replace the existing energy"
Explanation: "Our body" is informal; "the body" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing. Also, "the old one" is vague; "the existing energy" is clearer and more scientifically precise.
"sports raise the whole community toward a healthy lifestyle" -> "sports promote a healthy lifestyle throughout the community"
Explanation: "Raise the whole community toward" is awkward and informal; "promote a healthy lifestyle throughout the community" is more direct and formal.
"use to follow the trend" -> "tend to follow the trend"
Explanation: "Use to" is incorrect; "tend to" is the correct phrase for indicating a habitual or common behavior.
"whether they will stick to it in the future or not, at least they still unintentionally enhance their health" -> "whether they continue this habit or not, they inadvertently improve their health"
Explanation: "Stick to it" is informal and vague; "continue this habit" is more precise. "Unintentionally enhance" is redundant; "inadvertently improve" is more concise and maintains the intended meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding the role of sports in society. The author presents the argument that sports are important for societal development and counters it with the perspective that sports are merely leisure activities. The discussion is balanced, with adequate attention given to both sides. However, the initial claim that sports “evolve in social evolution” could be clearer in articulating how sports contribute to societal development.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could provide more explicit examples or case studies illustrating how sports have historically contributed to societal changes or community building. This would strengthen the argument for the societal role of sports and provide a more comprehensive view.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear position that sports are more than just leisure activities, asserting that they have significant benefits for the community. This position is consistently reflected throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion. However, the phrase "I strongly believe in the fact that they not only are leisure activities" could be rephrased for clarity and conciseness.
- How to improve: To reinforce the clarity of the position, the author could use more definitive language and avoid phrases like "I strongly believe in the fact that." Instead, stating "I assert that sports are essential for societal development" would convey a stronger stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the importance of sports, such as their benefits for physical and mental health, and their role in fostering social connections. However, some ideas could be further developed. For instance, the mention of sports reducing the risk of serious diseases is a strong point, but it lacks specific statistics or studies to substantiate the claim.
- How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the author should incorporate specific examples, data, or studies that illustrate the points made. For instance, citing a specific study on the mental health benefits of sports would enhance credibility and depth.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic, discussing both views and providing the author’s opinion. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For instance, the phrase "whether they will stick to it in the future or not" introduces a slight deviation from the main argument about the role of sports in society.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central thesis regarding the societal role of sports. Avoiding tangential statements and ensuring that each point contributes to the overall argument will help keep the essay on topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. By incorporating more specific examples, refining the clarity of the position, and ensuring all points are tightly aligned with the prompt, the author can further enhance the quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is well-organized, presenting a clear argument that addresses both views regarding the role of sports in society. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are structured to first present the leisure aspect of sports and then transition to their societal benefits. For example, the transition from discussing physical and mental health benefits to social interactions is smooth and logical. However, the essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences that explicitly outline the main idea of each paragraph.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. For instance, instead of starting with "To begin with," a more direct statement like "Firstly, sports provide significant health benefits, both physically and mentally," would clarify the focus of the paragraph right away.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids in readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. However, the second body paragraph could be further divided into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on social interactions and the other on the promotion of a healthy lifestyle. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones when introducing new ideas. For example, after discussing how sports facilitate friendships, a new paragraph could begin with a statement about the impact of sports on community health trends. This would not only improve clarity but also emphasize the importance of each point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "on the other hand," "for example," and "in addition," which help to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded to include more varied transitions and linking phrases that enhance the flow of ideas. For instance, phrases like "furthermore" or "conversely" could be employed to add variety.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, practice incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeating "in addition," you might use "moreover" or "additionally" to introduce supplementary points. Additionally, consider using phrases that indicate contrast or concession, such as "despite this" or "although," to enrich the discussion of opposing views.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, effectively organizing ideas and using paragraphs to enhance readability. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further elevate the clarity and sophistication of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "contemporary," "plethora," "mental health," and "positive effects." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive or lacks variety. For example, the phrase "leisure activity" is used multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which could enhance the lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "leisure activity," alternatives like "recreational pursuit" or "hobby" could be employed. Additionally, expanding the vocabulary related to sports and societal benefits would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "improvement of both physical health and mentality." However, there are also instances of imprecise usage, such as "suffering through serious diseases," which could be more accurately stated as "suffering from serious diseases." The phrase "activating energy circulation" is also vague and could be misinterpreted.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. For example, replacing "suffering through" with "suffering from" would clarify the statement. Additionally, using more specific terms related to health benefits, like "boosting immunity" or "enhancing well-being," would improve clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few errors noted, such as "spreaded," which should be "spread." This indicates a need for attention to detail in spelling, as such errors can detract from the overall impression of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, focusing on commonly misspelled words. Utilizing spell-check tools or writing practice that emphasizes spelling can also be beneficial. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with the correct forms of irregular verbs would help avoid errors like "spreaded."

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, enhancing the range and precision of vocabulary, along with improving spelling accuracy, will contribute to achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "not only are leisure activities, but also bring more perks for the community" showcases an effective use of parallel structure. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the sentence "In particular, a plethora of research from all around the world has shown that people who engage frequently in sports have less chance of suffering through serious diseases than those who do not participate often in their life" is lengthy and could be broken down for clarity and impact.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses effectively. For example, instead of saying "In addition, sports raise the whole community toward a healthy lifestyle," you could say, "In addition to promoting individual health, sports also encourage the entire community to adopt a healthier lifestyle." This not only adds variety but also improves the flow of ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall quality. For example, the phrase "the others argue that they only act as an entertaining activity" could be improved by changing "the others" to "others" for better clarity. Additionally, the sentence "when any sports are widely spreaded" contains a grammatical error; "spreaded" should be corrected to "spread." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "while" in the sentence discussing mental health.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for common errors, such as verb forms and article usage. Additionally, practicing the use of commas in complex sentences can help clarify meaning. For instance, revising the sentence "This is because they can get rid of stress by activating energy circulation, which occurs when our body produces positive energy to replace the old one" to include a comma before "which" would improve clarity. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common pitfalls can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary world, many individuals assert that sports contribute to social evolution, while others argue that they are solely an entertainment activity. From my point of view, I firmly believe that sports not only serve as leisure activities but also offer additional benefits to the community.

To begin with, participating in sports indeed encompasses all the benefits of a leisure activity, including the improvement of both physical health and mental well-being. In particular, an abundance of research from around the globe has shown that people who engage frequently in sports are less likely to suffer from serious diseases than those who do not participate regularly in their lives. In terms of mental health, many individuals consider sports a cure for disorders such as depression or pessimism. This is because they can alleviate stress by stimulating energy circulation, which occurs when our body generates positive energy to replace the existing energy while engaging in these physically demanding activities.

On the other hand, sports actually have more positive effects on the development of society in various ways. Firstly, they provide people with the opportunity to make friends with strangers, thereby expanding their social networks. For example, individuals who are avid fans of golf may find it easier to interact with others in the golf community due to their shared interest. In addition, sports promote a healthy lifestyle throughout the community. For instance, when certain sports become widely popular, people tend to follow the trend and participate for enjoyment. For that reason, whether they continue this habit or not, they inadvertently improve their health.

In conclusion, as far as I’m concerned, sports play an important role in various aspects of societal development.