Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Nowadays, A number of people consider that it is advantage to compete with other at school, at work or in even in daily life but the others believe that cooperation is more important than competing against each other. In this essay, however, I suppose that cooperation will give more benefit in any aspects of life.
There are several reasons that make some people think that competing each other is compulsory. One of them is the satisfaction of being number 1. This is because the origin of being competitive is the jealousy of each other, it occupy when there is only one place or one position that 2 or more people want to reach so that people can show off to everybody. For example, in class there is only first place which belong to the one who get the highest score of all and they can get a reward at the end of the semester. In this case, teacher can boost their passionate in studying and improving their scores.
On the other hand, I believe that cooperation in some circumstances can be more advantages . Especially for those who are working as a team for a general purpose. This mean to reach the goal, people need to collaborate with each other than competing because competition will lead to disasters such as hating, quarrelling, …. As a result, it could lead to reduction in productivity or losing friendship.
In conclusion, Competitive is a great moral that everyone needs but however, I lean on the second opinion which I believe cooperation is the key to success in every aspects in life if you want to achieve anything.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Nowadays, A number of people consider that it is advantage to compete with other at school, at work or in even in daily life" -> "Currently, many individuals believe that it is advantageous to compete with others at school, at work, or in daily life"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more precise temporal indicator than "Nowadays," and "many individuals" is more formal than "A number of people." Additionally, "it is advantageous" corrects the grammatical error and enhances formality. The phrase "in even in daily life" is redundant and incorrect; "in daily life" is sufficient. -
"the others believe that cooperation is more important than competing against each other" -> "others believe that cooperation is more important than competition"
Explanation: Simplifying "competing against each other" to "competition" streamlines the sentence and maintains academic tone. -
"In this essay, however, I suppose that cooperation will give more benefit in any aspects of life." -> "However, I argue that cooperation will yield greater benefits in all aspects of life."
Explanation: "I argue" is more assertive and appropriate for academic writing than "I suppose," which is less definitive. "Yield greater benefits" is more precise and formal than "give more benefit," and "all aspects of life" is grammatically correct compared to "any aspects of life." -
"competing each other" -> "competing with each other"
Explanation: "Competing with each other" is the correct prepositional phrase for describing competition between individuals or groups. -
"the origin of being competitive is the jealousy of each other" -> "the origin of competitiveness lies in mutual jealousy"
Explanation: "The origin of competitiveness lies in mutual jealousy" is more formal and precise, avoiding the awkward construction of "the jealousy of each other." -
"it occupy when there is only one place or one position that 2 or more people want to reach" -> "it occurs when there is only one position that multiple individuals strive to attain"
Explanation: "It occurs" is more formal than "it occupy," and "multiple individuals strive to attain" is more precise and formal than "2 or more people want to reach." -
"they can show off to everybody" -> "they can demonstrate their superiority to others"
Explanation: "Demonstrate their superiority to others" is more formal and academically appropriate than "show off to everybody," which is colloquial. -
"In this case, teacher can boost their passionate in studying and improving their scores." -> "In this case, teachers can foster a passion for studying and improving their scores."
Explanation: "Teachers" should be plural to match the context, and "foster a passion for studying" is more formal and precise than "boost their passionate in studying." -
"I believe that cooperation in some circumstances can be more advantages" -> "I believe that cooperation in certain circumstances can be more advantageous"
Explanation: "Advantageous" is the correct adjective form, and "certain circumstances" is more specific than "some circumstances." -
"This mean to reach the goal, people need to collaborate with each other than competing" -> "To achieve the goal, individuals must collaborate rather than compete"
Explanation: "To achieve the goal" is more formal than "This mean to reach the goal," and "individuals must collaborate rather than compete" corrects the grammatical error and enhances formality. -
"it could lead to reduction in productivity or losing friendship" -> "it could lead to a reduction in productivity or the loss of friendships"
Explanation: "A reduction in productivity" and "the loss of friendships" are grammatically correct and more formal than "reduction in productivity" and "losing friendship." -
"Competitive is a great moral that everyone needs" -> "Competition is a valuable moral that everyone needs"
Explanation: "Competition" should be used instead of "Competitive," which is incorrect in this context, and "valuable" is more precise than "great" in an academic context. -
"however, I lean on the second opinion which I believe cooperation is the key to success in every aspects in life" -> "however, I lean towards the view that cooperation is the key to success in all aspects of life"
Explanation: "Lean towards the view" is more formal and precise than "lean on the second opinion," and "all aspects of life" corrects the grammatical error in "every aspects in life."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding competition and cooperation, providing arguments for each. The first paragraph introduces the topic and presents the competitive viewpoint, while the second paragraph discusses the benefits of cooperation. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of both perspectives. The conclusion states a personal opinion, but it could be clearer in summarizing the arguments presented for both sides.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that each viewpoint is given equal weight. Consider adding a paragraph that explicitly contrasts the benefits of competition with those of cooperation, thereby providing a more comprehensive discussion. Additionally, restate the main points from each perspective in the conclusion to reinforce the discussion.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position favoring cooperation over competition, particularly in the conclusion. However, the transition between discussing competition and cooperation could be smoother, as the argument for cooperation feels somewhat abrupt. The phrase "I suppose that cooperation will give more benefit" could be more assertive to strengthen the position.
- How to improve: Use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing competition, explicitly state how this leads into the importance of cooperation. Strengthening the language around your opinion (e.g., "I firmly believe that…") can also enhance clarity and conviction.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to both competition and cooperation, but the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the essay mentions the satisfaction of being number one, it does not delve deeply into why this is significant or provide a broader range of examples. The argument for cooperation mentions productivity and friendship but lacks concrete examples to illustrate these points.
- How to improve: Expand on each idea by providing more detailed examples or explanations. For instance, when discussing cooperation, consider including a specific scenario where teamwork led to success, such as a project in a workplace or a group assignment in school. This will help to substantiate your claims and make your arguments more persuasive.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay stays relevant to the topic, discussing both competition and cooperation. However, some sentences contain grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that may distract from the main ideas. For example, phrases like "it occupy when there is only one place" are unclear and could confuse the reader.
- How to improve: Focus on clarity and grammatical accuracy to maintain the reader’s engagement. Proofreading for grammatical errors and awkward constructions will help ensure that your ideas are conveyed clearly. Additionally, consider using simpler, more direct language to express your thoughts more effectively.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear opinion, there is room for improvement in balancing the discussion of both views, providing more detailed support for ideas, and enhancing clarity through better language and structure.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. The argument flows logically from the introduction to the conclusion. However, the transition between ideas within paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing competition to cooperation in the second paragraph feels abrupt, as there is no clear linking sentence that prepares the reader for this change in focus.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning or end of paragraphs to guide the reader. For example, after discussing competition, a sentence like "Conversely, there are compelling reasons to advocate for cooperation" could help transition to the next point more effectively.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the paragraphs could be more developed. The first body paragraph, for instance, could benefit from clearer topic sentences and more detailed examples to substantiate the claims made about competition.
- How to improve: Aim for clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph contains sufficient supporting details. For example, when discussing the benefits of competition, you could elaborate on how competition fosters innovation or personal growth, providing specific examples or anecdotes.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the other hand" and "for example." However, the range is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas are weak. For example, the phrase "this mean to reach the goal" lacks clarity and could be better connected to the previous sentence.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," and "consequently." This will help create a more cohesive narrative. Additionally, ensure that all sentences within a paragraph relate closely to the main idea, using phrases like "this illustrates" or "this highlights" to clarify connections between ideas.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing the logical flow, developing paragraphs more thoroughly, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective phrases such as "satisfaction of being number 1" and "boost their passionate in studying." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety. For instance, the terms "compete" and "competition" are used frequently without synonyms or alternative expressions, which limits the lexical range.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "compete," try using "strive," "contend," or "vie for." Additionally, explore phrases like "collaborative efforts" or "joint endeavors" to describe cooperation, which can enrich the essay’s language.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used accurately, there are instances of imprecise usage that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "the origin of being competitive is the jealousy of each other" could be misleading; it suggests that jealousy is the sole reason for competition, which oversimplifies the concept. Additionally, "it occupy when there is only one place" is grammatically incorrect and unclear.
- How to improve: Aim for more precise language by ensuring that vocabulary accurately conveys the intended meaning. Instead of saying "the origin of being competitive," consider "one motivation for competition." Furthermore, review sentence structures to avoid grammatical errors, such as using "it occurs" instead of "it occupy."
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "advantage" (should be "an advantage"), "the others" (should be "others"), "advantages" (should be "advantageous"), and "Competitive" (should be "Competition"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, practice regularly with spelling exercises and utilize tools like spell checkers. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times before submission can help catch and correct errors. Reading more extensively can also reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.
By addressing these areas of vocabulary range, precision, and spelling, the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited variety of sentence structures. For instance, the opening sentence uses a straightforward structure: "A number of people consider that it is advantage to compete with other…" This structure is quite basic and does not showcase a range of grammatical forms. Additionally, the use of phrases like "this mean to reach the goal" lacks complexity and variation. The essay primarily relies on simple and compound sentences, with few complex sentences that could enhance the depth of the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences. For example, instead of saying "This is because the origin of being competitive is the jealousy of each other," the writer could use a more complex structure: "The origin of competitiveness often stems from jealousy, which arises when individuals vie for the same limited opportunities." Engaging with varied sentence beginnings and using subordinate clauses can also enhance the overall complexity.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "it is advantage to compete with other" should be corrected to "it is advantageous to compete with others." The use of "the others" is also awkward; it would be clearer to say "others." Additionally, the sentence "this occupy when there is only one place or one position that 2 or more people want to reach" is grammatically incorrect and confusing. Punctuation errors, such as the inconsistent use of commas, also appear, particularly in lists and before conjunctions.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, pluralization, and article usage. For instance, "the one who get the highest score" should be corrected to "the one who gets the highest score." Practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding commas and conjunctions, will also help. The writer could benefit from reviewing grammar resources or working with exercises that focus on common grammatical errors.
In summary, to improve the band score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy, the writer should focus on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical and punctuation accuracy. Regular practice and targeted feedback will be beneficial in achieving these improvements.
Bài sửa mẫu
**Improved Essay:**
Nowadays, a number of people consider that it is advantageous to compete with others at school, at work, or even in daily life. However, others believe that cooperation is more important than competing against each other. In this essay, I will argue that cooperation will yield greater benefits in all aspects of life.
There are several reasons why some people think that competing with each other is essential. One of them is the satisfaction of being number one. The origin of competitiveness often lies in mutual jealousy, which occurs when there is only one position that multiple individuals strive to attain. For example, in a classroom, there is only one first place, which belongs to the student who achieves the highest score. This student can receive a reward at the end of the semester. In this case, teachers can foster a passion for studying and improving their scores.
On the other hand, I believe that cooperation in certain circumstances can be more advantageous, especially for those who are working as a team towards a common goal. To achieve this goal, individuals must collaborate rather than compete, as competition can lead to negative outcomes such as resentment and quarrelling. As a result, it could lead to a reduction in productivity or the loss of friendships.
In conclusion, while competition is a valuable moral that everyone needs, I lean towards the view that cooperation is the key to success in all aspects of life if one wishes to achieve anything.
