Topic: Art and music classes should not be mandatory at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

We must say that art and music are increasing popular in recent years. Almost school art and music classes only are not mandatory. My perspective, art and music are also crucial for everyone, especially, teenagers.
The very first issue we can take a look is that art and music classes help teacher explores talents who have nice voices and potential expertise of students which are not found by teachers. They can be found by themselves during practicing. Not only they song well but also, they have good performances. This thing contributes to their studying and learning. When students are developed comprehensive skills, they become sharpen, be brilliant and be more active. Students must be learned all of skills for developing themselves. If they only learn about mathematics subject, not learn supplementary skills. They can lack of society skills. Besides, they cannot contact with friends. Therefore, they feel the world is boring, only studying in textbooks, it is extremely bad life. It is the leading cause depression.
Secondly, recently, children as well as teenagers tend to abuse internet, they can surf the internet all days, not do anything. It is the main reason can impact on physical health. They can be gotten diseases including obesity, heart, bones. Art and music classes are one of the most medicines evoke healing the soul after hard-working day, get out of children move out mobile devices, they are lived by themselves, swayed to the music, unleashed your creativity. They can be obesity. They should be learned supplementary skills, broaden horizon.
Conclusion, to do continually develop, students not only study, but also, they should be learned other subjects according to talents, this is because, they bring numerous beneficials during working and learning.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"We must say that" -> "It is evident that"
Explanation: "It is evident that" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to introduce a statement, avoiding the colloquial "We must say that."
"increasing popular" -> "increasingly popular"
Explanation: "Increasingly" is the correct adverbial form needed to modify "popular" in this context, enhancing grammatical accuracy.
"Almost school art and music classes only are not mandatory" -> "Almost all school art and music classes are no longer mandatory"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the meaning and corrects the grammatical structure, making it more precise and formal.
"My perspective, art and music are also crucial for everyone, especially, teenagers." -> "From my perspective, art and music are also essential for everyone, particularly teenagers."
Explanation: "From my perspective" is a more formal expression than "My perspective," and "particularly" is more precise than "especially" in academic writing.
"The very first issue we can take a look is that" -> "The first issue to consider is that"
Explanation: "The first issue to consider" is more direct and formal, avoiding the colloquial "take a look."
"help teacher explores" -> "help teachers explore"
Explanation: "Teachers" should be plural to match the context, and "explore" should be "explore" for subject-verb agreement.
"who have nice voices and potential expertise of students" -> "who possess good voices and untapped talents"
Explanation: "Possess" is more formal than "have," and "untapped talents" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "potential expertise."
"They can be found by themselves during practicing" -> "They can discover their talents through practice"
Explanation: "Discover their talents through practice" is more precise and formal, avoiding the awkward construction of "found by themselves during practicing."
"Not only they song well but also, they have good performances." -> "Not only do they sing well but also, they exhibit excellent performances."
Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and uses more formal vocabulary ("sing" to "sing," "exhibit" instead of "have").
"Students must be learned all of skills" -> "Students must learn all skills"
Explanation: "Must be learned" is grammatically incorrect; "must learn" is the correct form.
"If they only learn about mathematics subject, not learn supplementary skills." -> "If they only focus on mathematics, they do not develop supplementary skills."
Explanation: "Focus on" is more precise than "learn about," and "do not develop" is grammatically correct compared to "not learn."
"They can lack of society skills." -> "They may lack social skills."
Explanation: "Lack of" is grammatically incorrect; "lack" is the correct form, and "social skills" is the correct term.
"recently, children as well as teenagers tend to abuse internet" -> "recently, children and teenagers tend to overuse the internet"
Explanation: "Overuse" is a more precise term than "abuse" in this context, and "children and teenagers" is grammatically correct.
"They can be gotten diseases including obesity, heart, bones." -> "They may contract diseases such as obesity, heart disease, and bone disorders."
Explanation: "Contract" is the correct verb for diseases, and "heart disease" and "bone disorders" are more specific and medically accurate terms.
"Art and music classes are one of the most medicines evoke healing the soul" -> "Art and music classes are among the most effective medicines for healing the soul"
Explanation: "Among the most effective medicines" corrects the awkward and incorrect phrase "one of the most medicines evoke," and "for healing the soul" is grammatically correct.
"They can be obesity." -> "They may become obese."
Explanation: "Become obese" is the correct verb form and more appropriate in this context.
"They should be learned supplementary skills, broaden horizon." -> "They should learn supplementary skills and broaden their horizons."
Explanation: "Learn" corrects the verb tense, and "broaden their horizons" is a more idiomatic and formal expression.
"Conclusion, to do continually develop" -> "In conclusion, to continually develop"
Explanation: "In conclusion" is the correct phrase for ending an essay, and "continually develop" should be "continually develop" for grammatical correctness.
"students not only study, but also, they should be learned other subjects" -> "students not only study but also should learn other subjects"
Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and awkward phrasing for clarity

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt regarding whether art and music classes should be mandatory in schools. However, it primarily argues in favor of these classes without adequately exploring the opposing viewpoint. The statement "art and music are also crucial for everyone" suggests a strong agreement, but the essay lacks a balanced discussion of the extent to which one might disagree with making these classes mandatory. The introduction and conclusion do not clearly articulate a nuanced position, which is essential for a higher band score.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly acknowledge the opposing viewpoint. For instance, they could discuss potential arguments for not making art and music classes mandatory, such as the prioritization of core subjects or resource constraints. This would demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic and allow for a more balanced argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that favors the inclusion of art and music classes, but the clarity of this position is muddled by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. For example, phrases like "art and music are increasing popular" and "students must be learned all of skills" detract from the overall coherence. While the writer expresses a belief in the importance of these subjects, the lack of clarity in language makes it difficult for the reader to follow the argument consistently.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should focus on using straightforward language and clear sentence structures. They could start with a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines their stance and briefly mentions the reasons for it. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph supports this thesis with clear topic sentences would help maintain focus.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas about the benefits of art and music classes, such as fostering talent and providing a break from academic stress. However, these ideas are not well-developed or supported with specific examples. For instance, the claim that art and music classes help students develop "comprehensive skills" is vague and lacks concrete evidence or examples to illustrate this point. The discussion about internet abuse and its relation to physical health is somewhat relevant but feels disconnected from the main argument.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should provide specific examples and evidence to support their claims. For instance, they could cite studies showing how participation in arts education improves academic performance or social skills. Additionally, each idea should be clearly linked back to the central argument about the necessity of art and music classes.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally stays on the topic of art and music classes, there are instances where the focus shifts. For example, the discussion about internet abuse and its effects on physical health, while somewhat relevant, diverges from the main argument about the necessity of art and music in education. This can confuse the reader and weaken the overall argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the main argument. They should avoid introducing tangential topics that do not directly support their thesis. A clear outline before writing could help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that all content is relevant to the prompt.

By addressing these areas, the writer can improve their essay’s coherence, clarity, and overall effectiveness in responding to the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas, but the organization is somewhat disjointed. For example, the introduction lacks a clear thesis statement, making it difficult for the reader to understand the writer’s stance on whether art and music classes should be mandatory. Additionally, the points made in the body paragraphs do not follow a clear progression; the transition from discussing the benefits of art and music to the negative impacts of internet usage feels abrupt and lacks a logical connection.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, start with a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines your main argument. Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that indicates the main idea, followed by supporting details. Consider using a more structured approach, such as presenting one argument per paragraph and ensuring that each point logically leads to the next.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does use paragraphs, but they are not effectively structured. For instance, the first paragraph mixes several ideas without clear separation, making it hard to follow. The second paragraph introduces a new topic (internet usage) without a smooth transition from the previous point, which disrupts the flow of the essay.
- How to improve: Use clear paragraphing techniques by ensuring that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on that idea. Additionally, consider using a concluding sentence to summarize the main point of each paragraph, which will help reinforce the structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use cohesive devices, but they are often repetitive or incorrectly applied. For example, phrases like "not only… but also" are used, but the connections between ideas are not always clear. There are also instances where cohesive devices are missing, leading to abrupt shifts between ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "however," and "for example." This will help clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used correctly to enhance clarity rather than confuse the reader.

By addressing these areas of coherence and cohesion, the essay can achieve a more structured and logical presentation of ideas, which is essential for a higher band score in the IELTS writing task.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary related to the topic of art and music education. Phrases such as "crucial for everyone," "explores talents," and "broaden horizon" show an effort to incorporate relevant terms. However, the range is somewhat limited, and there are instances of repetition, particularly with the word "learn" and its variations.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "learn," alternatives like "acquire," "master," or "develop" could be employed. Additionally, integrating more sophisticated terms related to education and personal development would elevate the lexical quality.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "art and music are increasing popular" should be "increasingly popular." The expression "they can be gotten diseases" is awkward and should be rephrased to "they can develop diseases." Such inaccuracies can lead to confusion and detract from the overall clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct and contextually appropriate. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward constructions. Additionally, using a thesaurus to find more precise terms can aid in enhancing clarity. For example, instead of "good performances," one might say "impressive performances."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "increasing" (written as "increasing"), "teacher" (should be pluralized as "teachers"), and "beneficials" (which should be "benefits"). These errors can disrupt the flow of reading and may lead to misunderstandings.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as writing short paragraphs and using spell-check tools. Additionally, creating a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can be beneficial. Reading more extensively can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

In summary, while the essay shows a commendable effort in addressing the topic, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to elevate the Lexical Resource score. Focusing on these areas will not only enhance the quality of the writing but also improve overall clarity and coherence in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited variety of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, lacking complexity. For example, phrases like "art and music are increasing popular" and "they can lack of society skills" show a reliance on straightforward constructions. The use of conjunctions is present, but the overall sentence variety does not extend to more complex forms, such as conditional or relative clauses.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences. For instance, using relative clauses (e.g., "students who engage in art and music classes often develop better social skills") or conditional sentences (e.g., "If students do not participate in these classes, they may miss out on important life skills") can add depth and variety. Engaging with resources that focus on advanced grammar structures will also be beneficial.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, "art and music are increasing popular" should be "art and music are increasingly popular." Additionally, phrases like "they can be gotten diseases" are awkward and incorrect; a more appropriate phrasing would be "they can develop diseases." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas and improper use of conjunctions, further detract from the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on reviewing basic grammar rules, particularly verb forms and subject-verb agreement. Regular practice with writing exercises that emphasize correct sentence structure and punctuation will help. Additionally, proofreading the essay for common errors before submission can significantly enhance clarity. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can also provide immediate feedback on mistakes.

Overall, while the essay presents some relevant ideas, the limited range of sentence structures and grammatical inaccuracies significantly affect the clarity and effectiveness of the argument. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy, the writer can enhance their writing skills and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

We must say that art and music are **increasingly popular** in recent years. **Almost all school art and music classes are no longer mandatory.** From my perspective, art and music are also essential for everyone, particularly teenagers.

**The first issue to consider is that** art and music classes help teachers explore the talents of students who possess good voices and untapped skills that may not be recognized otherwise. They can discover their talents through practice. Not only do they sing well, but they also exhibit excellent performances. This contributes positively to their studying and learning. When students develop comprehensive skills, they become sharper, more brilliant, and more active. **Students must learn all skills** to develop themselves. If they only focus on mathematics, they do not learn supplementary skills, which may result in a lack of social skills. Furthermore, they may struggle to connect with friends. Therefore, they might feel that the world is boring, confined to studying textbooks, which can lead to a detrimental lifestyle and is a leading cause of depression.

Secondly, **recently, children and teenagers tend to overuse the internet;** they can spend all day surfing the web without engaging in other activities. This is a primary reason that can impact their physical health. They may contract diseases such as obesity, heart disease, and bone disorders. Art and music classes are among the most effective medicines for healing the soul after a hard-working day. These classes encourage children to step away from their mobile devices, allowing them to engage with themselves, sway to the music, and unleash their creativity. **They may become obese** if they do not participate in such activities. They should learn supplementary skills and broaden their horizons.

**In conclusion, to continually develop,** students not only study but also should learn other subjects according to their talents. This is because these subjects bring numerous benefits during both working and learning.