In many country, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy.Some people think that this is the responsibility of governments to solve the problem. To what extent, do you agree or disagree?

At the present, a few inhabitant say that the government must address the issue that is becoming fat and weak of children. In my opinion, I disapprove of this thought. And in my essay,I will write about two main reasons to explain why this point of view is wrong and illogical.

Firstly,nowaday there are alot of children is so lazy to go outside and do exercise,they usually reveal in their bedroom and play games instead although the government says the negative of it a lot. For instance, in my country the government publish many news about people should workout to reaim good health.However, some friends of mine laughed and said that it's not real. Afterwards,they went on playing video games. As the result,almost of them had some health problems such as skinny fat,finding breathing complicated,…

Secondly,everyone on over the world consist of children knows eating fat food in long time is so terrible for the health.But,they still have it a lot like their main meal. For example, in the past i usually enjoyed eating hamburger and noodles so much and I didn't care anthing which damage my health.In the long time I did it,i felt bad about my health and my body because the there are a lot of fat below my skin and i made me felt heavy. At that time, I regreted about all thing ưhich i did before.

In conclusion, becoming over weight and unhealthy is the responsibility of children. Thus,they should accept it and find the way to tackle it.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"At the present" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "At the present" is somewhat archaic and less commonly used in modern academic writing. "Currently" is more contemporary and appropriate for formal essays.
"a few inhabitant say" -> "a few residents argue"
Explanation: "Inhabitant" is not typically used in this context; "residents" is more precise and contextually appropriate. "Argue" is also more formal than "say" in academic discussions.
"becoming fat and weak of children" -> "obesity and physical weakness among children"
Explanation: "Becoming fat and weak of children" is awkward and imprecise. "Obesity and physical weakness among children" uses more specific and medically recognized terms.
"I disapprove of this thought" -> "I disagree with this perspective"
Explanation: "Disapprove of" is somewhat informal and vague; "disagree with" is more precise and academically suitable.
"And in my essay,I will write about" -> "In this essay, I will discuss"
Explanation: "And in my essay" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "In this essay, I will discuss" corrects the grammar and enhances formality.
"nowaday" -> "currently"
Explanation: "Nowaday" is a nonstandard spelling and usage. "Currently" is the correct form and is more formal.
"alot" -> "a lot"
Explanation: "Alot" is a common spelling error. "A lot" is the correct form.
"is so lazy to go outside" -> "are so inclined to remain indoors"
Explanation: "Lazy" is too informal and imprecise; "inclined to remain indoors" is more formal and accurately describes the behavior.
"reveal in their bedroom" -> "spend time in their bedrooms"
Explanation: "Reveal" is incorrect in this context; "spend time" is the correct verb for describing activities.
"the government says the negative of it a lot" -> "the government emphasizes the negative impacts frequently"
Explanation: "The negative of it a lot" is unclear and informal. "Emphasizes the negative impacts frequently" is clearer and more formal.
"reaim good health" -> "achieve good health"
Explanation: "Reaim" is not a standard verb; "achieve" is the correct term.
"some friends of mine laughed and said that it’s not real" -> "some friends of mine dismissed the notion as unrealistic"
Explanation: "Laughed and said that it’s not real" is informal and lacks precision. "Dismissed the notion as unrealistic" is more formal and academically appropriate.
"As the result" -> "As a result"
Explanation: "As the result" is grammatically incorrect. "As a result" is the correct phrase.
"almost of them had some health problems" -> "many of them experienced various health issues"
Explanation: "Almost of them" is grammatically incorrect. "Many of them experienced various health issues" corrects the grammar and enhances formality.
"finding breathing complicated" -> "experiencing breathing difficulties"
Explanation: "Finding breathing complicated" is awkward and unclear. "Experiencing breathing difficulties" is more precise and formal.
"everyone on over the world" -> "everyone worldwide"
Explanation: "Everyone on over the world" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Everyone worldwide" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"eating fat food" -> "consuming high-calorie foods"
Explanation: "Eating fat food" is informal and imprecise. "Consuming high-calorie foods" is more specific and appropriate for an academic context.
"i didn’t care anthing" -> "I didn’t care about anything"
Explanation: "i" should be capitalized as "I" for proper noun usage, and "anthing" is a spelling error; "anything" is the correct word.
"the there are a lot of fat below my skin" -> "there is a significant amount of fat beneath my skin"
Explanation: "The there are a lot of fat" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "There is a significant amount of fat beneath my skin" corrects the grammar and enhances formality.
"i regreted about all thing ưhich i did before" -> "I regretted everything I had done before"
Explanation: "i" should be capitalized as "I" for proper noun usage, and "regreted" is a spelling error; "regretted" is the correct form. "All thing" is grammatically incorrect; "everything" is the correct term.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by stating a clear disagreement with the idea that the government should be responsible for children’s health. However, it does not fully explore the extent of this disagreement, which is crucial for a comprehensive response. The essay mentions two reasons but fails to elaborate on how these reasons relate to the government’s role, leaving the reader unclear about the author’s position on the extent of government responsibility.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should explicitly state their position on the extent of government responsibility in the introduction and conclusion. Additionally, they should consider discussing potential roles the government could play, even if they disagree with the primary responsibility lying with them. This would provide a more balanced view and fully address the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position against the government’s responsibility but lacks consistency in reinforcing this stance throughout the essay. The introduction states disagreement, but the body paragraphs focus more on children’s behaviors rather than reinforcing the argument against government responsibility.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently link their arguments back to the central thesis. Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that reflects the main argument and should conclude with a sentence that ties back to the thesis, reinforcing the position taken.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are relevant but lack depth and development. The examples provided are personal anecdotes that do not effectively support the argument. For instance, the mention of friends laughing at government advice does not convincingly illustrate why the government should not be responsible.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more robust examples and data to support their claims. Instead of personal anecdotes, they could reference studies or statistics that illustrate the impact of personal responsibility on health outcomes. Additionally, expanding on each point with further explanation would enhance the clarity and persuasiveness of the arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing children’s behaviors and health. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the discussion of personal regret about eating habits diverges from the main argument about government responsibility.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly supports the thesis. They should avoid introducing unrelated personal reflections and instead concentrate on how children’s choices impact their health and the implications for government responsibility. Each paragraph should clearly relate back to the central argument to enhance coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance against the idea that the government should be responsible for addressing childhood obesity. However, the organization of information is somewhat disjointed. For example, the introduction states that the author will provide two reasons against the government’s responsibility, but the flow between ideas is not smooth. The transition from the first reason about laziness to the second reason about unhealthy eating habits lacks a clear connection, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument logically.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the author should use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate to the thesis statement. Additionally, transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," or "In addition," could be employed to connect ideas more effectively between paragraphs.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains paragraphs, but their structure is not fully effective. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the author’s viewpoint, while the subsequent paragraphs present reasons. However, the paragraphs are not well-developed; for instance, the first body paragraph mixes several ideas without clear separation or focus, leading to confusion. The conclusion is also abrupt and does not summarize the key points effectively.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea. The author could start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. Additionally, a more comprehensive conclusion that reiterates the main arguments and ties them back to the thesis would strengthen the overall structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices, which affects the overall coherence. Phrases like "For instance," and "But," are used, but there is a lack of variety and sophistication in the cohesive devices employed. This results in a somewhat choppy reading experience, as the connections between sentences and ideas are not always clear.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, the author should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Moreover," "Consequently," "On the other hand," and "As a result." These devices can help clarify relationships between ideas and improve the flow of the essay. Additionally, using pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can enhance cohesion.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear viewpoint, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt to use varied vocabulary, such as "overweight," "exercise," and "health problems." However, the range is limited, with frequent repetition of basic terms like "children," "government," and "health." Phrases like "becoming fat and weak" and "eating fat food" are overly simplistic and lack sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and more advanced terms. For instance, instead of "fat food," use "unhealthy food options" or "junk food." Additionally, phrases like "physical inactivity" or "sedentary lifestyle" could replace "lazy to go outside." Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises can help diversify word choice.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "skinny fat" and "the negative of it." The term "skinny fat" is not commonly used in academic writing and may confuse readers. Additionally, "the negative of it" is vague and lacks clarity.
- How to improve: Strive for more precise language. For example, instead of "skinny fat," consider "having a high body fat percentage despite a normal weight." Replace "the negative of it" with "the negative consequences of a sedentary lifestyle." This will enhance clarity and ensure the reader understands your points more effectively.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "nowaday" (should be "nowadays"), "alot" (should be "a lot"), "reveal" (should be "remain"), "publish" (should be "publishes"), and "anthing" (should be "anything"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a break and then review the essay for spelling mistakes. Additionally, using spell-check tools or apps can help identify errors before submission. Regular practice with spelling exercises can also reinforce correct spelling habits.

By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, improving precision in word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy—the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited variety in sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, lacking complexity. For instance, phrases like "a few inhabitant say" and "everyone on over the world consist of children knows" show a tendency to use basic structures. The essay also relies heavily on coordinating conjunctions (e.g., "and," "but") to connect ideas, which can make the writing feel monotonous.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, the writer should incorporate more complex sentence structures, such as relative clauses (e.g., "children who spend too much time indoors") and conditional sentences (e.g., "If children do not exercise, they will become unhealthy"). Practicing sentence variety through exercises that focus on combining simple sentences into more complex ones can also be beneficial.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "At the present, a few inhabitant say" should be "At present, a few inhabitants say," correcting both the article and pluralization. Additionally, phrases like "the government must address the issue that is becoming fat and weak of children" are awkwardly constructed and could be clearer. Punctuation errors are evident, such as missing commas after introductory phrases (e.g., "Firstly, nowaday") and incorrect spacing before commas (e.g., "essay,I will write").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular grammar practice, particularly on common errors, can help. For punctuation, reviewing rules regarding comma usage, especially in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Reading well-structured essays can also provide insight into proper grammar and punctuation usage.

In summary, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation. Regular practice and exposure to well-written texts will aid in these improvements.

Bài sửa mẫu

At present, a few residents argue that the government must address the issue of children becoming overweight and physically weak. In my opinion, I disagree with this perspective. In this essay, I will discuss two main reasons to explain why this viewpoint is misguided and illogical.

Firstly, currently, there are a lot of children who are so inclined to remain indoors and spend time in their bedrooms playing games instead of going outside to exercise, even though the government frequently emphasizes the negative impacts of this behavior. For instance, in my country, the government publishes many reports urging people to work out to achieve good health. However, some friends of mine dismissed the notion as unrealistic. As a result, many of them experienced various health issues, such as being “skinny fat” and experiencing breathing difficulties.

Secondly, everyone worldwide, including children, knows that consuming high-calorie foods over an extended period is detrimental to health. However, they still consume these foods as their main meals. For example, in the past, I used to enjoy eating hamburgers and noodles so much that I didn’t care about anything that could damage my health. Over time, I began to feel bad about my health and my body because there was a significant amount of fat beneath my skin, which made me feel heavy. At that time, I regretted everything I had done before.

In conclusion, becoming overweight and unhealthy is primarily the responsibility of children. Thus, they should acknowledge this and find ways to tackle the issue themselves.