Some think most crime is the result of circumstances, e.g. poverty and other social problems. Others believe that most crime is caused by people who are bad by nature. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Opinions diverge as to whether the intrinsic satanic nature of a person or extrinsic factors such as poverty and social problems are contributing to most crimes. While the latter is true to a certain extent, I hold a strong believe that the majority of criminals’s motives stem from the former.
Admittedly, people who are psychologically twisted or purely evil have higher chances to commit serious crimes, say, murder or rape as these are part of their nature. There are a great number of psychopathic or narcissistic criminals who satisfy their needs at the expense of others. Jeffrey Dhamer would perfectly exemplifies this rationale. He was an American serial killer who killed and dismembered seventeen males from the 1970s to 1990s. Some of his murders involved necrophilia and cannibalism since he was diagnosed with many mental and sexual disorders. Therefore, the devil inside a seemingly ordinary person could be the culprit of many tragic criminal cases.
However the abovementioned type of offense seem less common than those caused by the low living standards or social evils. Firstly, suffering from too much pressure, especially on financial terms, might push a person to the utmost limits of endurance and they would seek every possible way to escape. Some might choose to rob or steal from others, which happens quite often in this day and age but not frequently mentioned on the hot news as such stories will not draw much attention. Another external reason for committing serious crimes is substance use. Consuming alcohol, cocaine or other hallucinogenic drugs could turn a regular person into somewhat of a zombie engaging in illegal actions without sanity, for example, in the form of a traffic accident, a homocide, or even mass murder. Almost all goverments are strictly managing these substances due to the significantly large number of users and related crimes.
In conclusion, motivations to commit delinquencies could stem from a person’s dark nature or financial deprivation and other thorny social issues. Nevertheless, my stance is that external reasons induce more criminal cases, from minor to major ones, and deemed much easier to address than people’s characteristics.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Opinions diverge as to whether" -> "Opinions vary regarding whether"
Explanation: "Vary regarding" is a more precise and formal way to introduce contrasting views, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"intrinsic satanic nature" -> "intrinsic malevolent nature"
Explanation: The term "satanic" is overly dramatic and not appropriate in an academic context. "Malevolent" is a more neutral and academically suitable term to describe harmful or evil tendencies.
"I hold a strong believe" -> "I firmly believe"
Explanation: "Hold a strong believe" is grammatically incorrect. "Firmly believe" is the correct form and is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"the majority of criminals’s motives" -> "the motives of most criminals"
Explanation: The possessive form "criminals’s" is incorrect. "The motives of most criminals" is grammatically correct and maintains a formal tone.
"psychologically twisted or purely evil" -> "psychologically disturbed or morally depraved"
Explanation: "Twisted" and "purely evil" are overly simplistic and emotionally charged. "Psychologically disturbed" and "morally depraved" provide a more precise and academically appropriate description of individuals with harmful tendencies.
"Jeffrey Dhamer" -> "Jeffrey Dahmer"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error in the name of the serial killer.
"perfectly exemplifies" -> "perfectly illustrates"
Explanation: "Exemplifies" is correct but "illustrates" is more commonly used in academic writing to describe examples, enhancing clarity and formality.
"the devil inside a seemingly ordinary person" -> "the malevolent tendencies within an apparently ordinary individual"
Explanation: "The devil inside" is metaphorical and informal; "the malevolent tendencies within" is more precise and appropriate for an academic context.
"However the abovementioned type of offense seem" -> "However, the aforementioned type of offense seems"
Explanation: Corrects the comma splice and uses "seems" instead of "seem" for subject-verb agreement with the singular noun "offense."
"suffering from too much pressure" -> "experiencing excessive pressure"
Explanation: "Suffering from too much" is somewhat informal and vague; "experiencing excessive" is more precise and formal.
"they would seek every possible way to escape" -> "they may resort to any means to escape"
Explanation: "Seek every possible way" is informal and imprecise. "Resort to any means" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"substance use" -> "substance abuse"
Explanation: "Substance use" is too general; "substance abuse" specifically refers to the harmful or addictive use of substances, which is more relevant to the context of criminal behavior.
"somewhat of a zombie" -> "somewhat zombie-like"
Explanation: "Somewhat of a zombie" is colloquial and imprecise. "Somewhat zombie-like" is more formal and fits the academic style better.
"a homocide" -> "a homicide"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error in "homocide" to "homicide."
"Almost all goverments" -> "Almost all governments"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error in "goverments" to "governments."
"deemed much easier to address" -> "considered significantly easier to address"
Explanation: "Deemed" is less formal and can be vague; "considered" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone of the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding the causes of crime, discussing intrinsic factors (the nature of individuals) and extrinsic factors (social issues like poverty). The author presents a balanced examination of both perspectives, providing examples for each. For instance, the mention of Jeffrey Dahmer illustrates the argument for intrinsic evil, while the discussion on financial pressures and substance abuse supports the extrinsic viewpoint. However, the conclusion could have more explicitly summarized the discussion of both views before stating the author’s opinion.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include a brief summary of the main points discussed for both views in the conclusion, ensuring that all parts of the question are clearly revisited. This would reinforce the comprehensive nature of the discussion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that external factors are more significant in causing crime, which is evident in the concluding statement. However, the initial claim that "the majority of criminals’ motives stem from the former" (intrinsic nature) may create some confusion, as it seems to contradict the later argument that external factors induce more crime. The position is somewhat muddled by this inconsistency.
- How to improve: To clarify the position, the writer should ensure that the thesis statement aligns with the conclusion. A more definitive stance in the introduction, stating that while intrinsic factors exist, external factors are more influential, would provide clarity and consistency throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, using specific examples such as Jeffrey Dahmer to illustrate the intrinsic viewpoint and discussing societal pressures and substance abuse for the extrinsic viewpoint. However, some points could be further developed. For example, the discussion on substance abuse could include statistics or studies to strengthen the argument about its role in crime.
- How to improve: To improve the depth of the arguments, the writer should aim to provide more detailed evidence or examples for each point made. Incorporating relevant statistics or studies would enhance the credibility of the claims and provide a more robust discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the causes of crime as per the prompt. However, the phrase "the devil inside a seemingly ordinary person" could be seen as a slight deviation from the more analytical tone expected in an academic essay. While it adds color, it may distract from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a more academic tone, the writer could avoid colloquial expressions and focus on a more straightforward analysis of the arguments. This would help keep the essay focused on the topic without unnecessary embellishments that might detract from the main points.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With minor adjustments in clarity, depth of support, and adherence to an academic tone, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, starting with an introduction that outlines the two opposing views on the causes of crime. Each body paragraph effectively addresses one perspective, with the first focusing on intrinsic factors and the second on extrinsic factors. The use of transitional phrases such as "Admittedly" and "However" helps to signal shifts in argument, which enhances the logical flow. However, the connection between the examples and the main argument could be strengthened; for instance, the transition from discussing psychopathic behavior to societal issues could be more explicit.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit linking phrases that summarize the previous point before introducing the next. For example, after discussing intrinsic factors, a sentence like "While these psychological factors are significant, it is crucial to also consider the impact of external circumstances" could provide a smoother transition.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction and conclusion are clearly defined, and the body paragraphs are well-structured, each beginning with a topic sentence that outlines the main idea. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer sub-organization, as it presents multiple external factors without clear delineation.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, consider breaking down the second body paragraph into smaller sections or using bullet points for clarity. Each external factor (e.g., financial pressure, substance use) could be introduced with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details. This would enhance readability and allow for a more focused discussion of each point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions ("and," "but"), adverbial phrases ("for example," "in conclusion"), and referencing ("this," "these"). However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied; for instance, the repeated use of "however" could be replaced with synonyms or alternative phrases to avoid redundancy.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeating "however," consider using alternatives like "on the other hand," "in contrast," or "nevertheless." Additionally, employing more complex cohesive devices, such as relative clauses or participial phrases, could enhance the sophistication of the writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, effectively organizing ideas and using cohesive devices to enhance clarity. With some adjustments to transitions, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices, the essay could achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "psychologically twisted," "narcissistic," and "delinquencies" showcasing an attempt to use varied language. However, the vocabulary is sometimes repetitive, particularly in phrases like "serious crimes" and "social problems," which could be replaced with synonyms or more specific terms to enhance variety.
- How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms, such as "criminal offenses," "socioeconomic issues," or "malefactors." Additionally, using more nuanced vocabulary to describe motivations or types of crime could elevate the essay. For instance, instead of "financial terms," consider "economic pressures" or "financial hardships."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the intrinsic satanic nature of a person" is overly dramatic and could be misinterpreted; "intrinsic malevolence" or "innate criminal tendencies" would be more appropriate. The term "goverments" is a spelling error, which detracts from the overall precision of the vocabulary used.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. For example, instead of "the devil inside a seemingly ordinary person," a more precise phrase could be "the potential for criminal behavior within individuals." Additionally, proofreading for spelling errors and ensuring that terms are used in their correct contexts will improve clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "believe" (should be "belief"), "criminals’s" (should be "criminals’"), "Dhamer" (should be "Dahmer"), and "goverments" (should be "governments"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and reviewing the correct forms of plural possessives can help prevent similar mistakes in future essays.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and attempts to use a range of vocabulary, focusing on precision, variety, and spelling accuracy will significantly enhance the lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For example, the use of “While the latter is true to a certain extent” and “However the abovementioned type of offense seem less common” showcases a mix of simple and complex structures. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way arguments are introduced, which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and transitions. For instance, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with “Some might choose to…” or “Another external reason for…,” try using phrases like “In addition to this,” or “Moreover,” to introduce new ideas. Additionally, varying the placement of clauses within sentences can create a more dynamic flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good command of grammar, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, “believe” should be “belief” in the phrase “I hold a strong believe that…” Additionally, “criminals’s” should be corrected to “criminals’” to indicate the plural possessive form. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are missing commas that could enhance readability, such as before conjunctions in complex sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and possessive forms. It may also be beneficial to review punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences. For example, in the sentence “Firstly, suffering from too much pressure, especially on financial terms, might push a person to the utmost limits of endurance and they would seek every possible way to escape,” a comma before “and” could clarify the separation of ideas. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on drafts can also help in identifying and correcting recurring mistakes.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Improved Essay:**

Opinions vary regarding whether the intrinsic malevolent nature of a person or extrinsic factors such as poverty and social problems contribute to most crimes. While the latter holds some truth, I firmly believe that the motives of most criminals stem from the former.

Admittedly, individuals who are psychologically disturbed or morally depraved are more likely to commit serious crimes, such as murder or rape, as these actions are part of their nature. There are numerous psychopathic or narcissistic criminals who satisfy their needs at the expense of others. Jeffrey Dahmer perfectly illustrates this rationale. He was an American serial killer who killed and dismembered seventeen males from the 1970s to the 1990s. Some of his murders involved necrophilia and cannibalism, as he was diagnosed with various mental and sexual disorders. Therefore, the malevolent tendencies within an apparently ordinary individual could be the culprit behind many tragic criminal cases.

However, the aforementioned type of offense seems less common than those caused by low living standards or social issues. Firstly, experiencing excessive pressure, particularly in financial terms, might push a person to the utmost limits of endurance, leading them to seek any means to escape. Some might resort to robbery or theft, which occurs quite frequently in today’s society but is not often highlighted in the news, as such stories do not draw much attention. Another external factor contributing to serious crimes is substance abuse. Consuming alcohol, cocaine, or other hallucinogenic drugs can turn a regular person into a somewhat zombie-like figure, engaging in illegal actions without sanity, such as causing a traffic accident, committing a homicide, or even perpetrating mass murder. Almost all governments are strictly managing these substances due to the significantly large number of users and related crimes.

In conclusion, motivations for committing crimes can stem from a person’s dark nature or financial deprivation and other challenging social issues. Nevertheless, my stance is that external reasons induce more criminal cases, from minor to major ones, and are considered significantly easier to address than the intrinsic characteristics of individuals.