The table delineates the composition of students across six academic departments at an Australian university in 2011

The table delineates the composition of students across six academic departments at an Australian university in 2011

The table delineates the composition of students across six academic departments at an Australian university in 2011, focusing on three dimensions: gender (percentage of female students), those whose first language is not English, and students born outside of Australia.
Overall, the English and Modern Languages departments were dominated by female students, whereas Math and Chemistry exhibited a clear male predominance. Additionally, there was considerable variation in the proportions of non-native English speakers and international students across the departments.
In terms of gender distribution, the English department had the highest proportion of female students, at 72%, with Modern Languages closely following at 68%. In stark contrast, Math and Chemistry were heavily skewed toward male students, with only 17% and 15% female representation, respectively. The gender balance in Physics (56%) and History (52%) was more evenly distributed, showcasing a relatively neutral gender ratio in these fields.
Turning to students whose first language is not English, History stood out with the highest percentage (45%), while English had the lowest (12%). Meanwhile, Physics (38%), Chemistry (42%), and Math (49%) displayed moderately high percentages of non-native English speakers.
As for international students, Physics and Math led the rankings with a substantial 56% of their students born outside of Australia, closely followed by Chemistry at 48%. By contrast, History (31%), Modern Languages (23%), and English (20%) had significantly lower proportions of international students.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "delineates" -> "presents"
   Explanation: "Delineates" is somewhat formal and may imply a detailed description that is not necessary here. "Presents" is clearer and more straightforward for an academic context.

2. "were dominated by" -> "had a higher representation of"
   Explanation: "Were dominated by" carries a connotation of control or overwhelming presence, which may not be appropriate. "Had a higher representation of" is more neutral and accurately describes the statistical data.

3. "exhibited a clear male predominance" -> "showed a significant male majority"
   Explanation: "Exhibited a clear male predominance" is verbose and can be simplified. "Showed a significant male majority" conveys the same meaning more succinctly.

4. "considerable variation" -> "notable variation"
   Explanation: "Considerable" can imply a larger degree than intended. "Notable" is more precise and suggests that the variation is worth mentioning without overstating it.

5. "heavily skewed toward" -> "strongly favored"
   Explanation: "Heavily skewed toward" is informal and can imply bias. "Strongly favored" maintains the intended meaning while sounding more academic.

6. "relatively neutral gender ratio" -> "more balanced gender ratio"
   Explanation: "Relatively neutral" can be vague. "More balanced" is clearer and directly conveys the idea of an equitable distribution.

7. "stood out with the highest percentage" -> "had the highest percentage"
   Explanation: "Stood out" is informal and suggests a qualitative assessment. "Had the highest percentage" is more precise and factual.

8. "displayed moderately high percentages" -> "exhibited moderate percentages"
   Explanation: "Displayed moderately high percentages" is unnecessarily complex. "Exhibited moderate percentages" is clearer and more concise.

9. "led the rankings with a substantial" -> "ranked highest with a significant"
   Explanation: "Led the rankings" can be seen as informal. "Ranked highest" is more straightforward and maintains an academic tone.

10. "had significantly lower proportions" -> "exhibited significantly lower proportions"
    Explanation: "Had" is too simplistic in an academic context. "Exhibited" adds formality and precision to the description of the data.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 9

Band Score: 9

Explanation: The essay fully satisfies all the requirements of the task. It clearly presents a full developed response, providing a clear overview of the main trends and differences in the data. The essay also highlights and illustrates key features/bullet points clearly and appropriately.

How to improve: The essay is well-written and does not require any significant improvements.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas, demonstrating clear progression throughout. Each paragraph presents a distinct topic, such as gender distribution, non-native English speakers, and international students, which helps maintain focus. The use of cohesive devices is appropriate, although there are instances where the connection between ideas could be made smoother. For example, transitions between the discussions of gender, language, and international status could be more varied to enhance flow. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 7 by presenting a clear structure and progression, but it lacks the sophistication and seamlessness required for a higher score.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the essay could benefit from a more varied use of cohesive devices to enhance the flow between paragraphs and ideas. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next would improve coherence. More complex sentence structures and a wider range of vocabulary could also contribute to a more sophisticated presentation of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary that allows for flexibility and precision in conveying information about the data presented. The use of terms such as "delineates," "predominance," and "proportions" indicates an awareness of less common lexical items. However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice, such as "skewed toward" which could be more precisely expressed. Additionally, while the vocabulary is generally appropriate, there are instances where the phrasing could be more sophisticated or varied to enhance the overall quality of the essay.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of sophisticated vocabulary and ensure that all word choices are precise and contextually appropriate. Additionally, minimizing errors in word choice and exploring more varied sentence structures would enhance the overall lexical resource. Engaging with more uncommon lexical items and ensuring their correct usage can also contribute to a higher score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures and generally maintains good grammatical control. There are frequent error-free sentences, and while there are a few minor errors, they do not significantly impede understanding. The use of appropriate vocabulary and cohesive devices further supports the overall clarity of the essay. However, some sentences could be more varied in structure, and occasional grammatical inaccuracies are present, preventing a higher score.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of complex structures and ensure that all sentences are error-free. Additionally, focusing on reducing minor grammatical errors and enhancing sentence variety will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated writing style. Engaging more with advanced grammatical forms and ensuring accuracy in punctuation can also help elevate the score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The table delineates the composition of students across six academic departments at an Australian university in 2011, focusing on three dimensions: gender (percentage of female students), those whose first language is not English, and students born outside of Australia. Overall, the English and Modern Languages departments were predominantly female, whereas Math and Chemistry exhibited a clear male predominance. Additionally, there was considerable variation in the proportions of non-native English speakers and international students across the departments.

In terms of gender distribution, the English department had the highest proportion of female students, at 72%, with Modern Languages closely following at 68%. In stark contrast, Math and Chemistry were heavily skewed toward male students, with only 17% and 15% female representation, respectively. The gender balance in Physics (56%) and History (52%) was more evenly distributed, showcasing a relatively neutral gender ratio in these fields.

Turning to students whose first language is not English, History stood out with the highest percentage (45%), while English had the lowest (12%). Meanwhile, Physics (38%), Chemistry (42%), and Math (49%) displayed moderately high percentages of non-native English speakers.

As for international students, Physics and Math led the rankings with a substantial 56% of their students born outside of Australia, closely followed by Chemistry at 48%. In contrast, History (31%), Modern Languages (23%), and English (20%) had significantly lower proportions of international students.