Some people think that zoos are cruel, and all the zoos should be closed. However, others think that zoos are useful to protect rare animals. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that zoos are cruel, and all the zoos should be closed. However, others think that zoos are useful to protect rare animals.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

People have different views about the functions and the roles of zoos. While some people go against the existence of zoos, I personally believe that those public facilities have an important role to ensure the well-being of animals on the verge of extinction.
On the one hand, there are several reasons why it is essential to shut down zoos. One of the most commonly cited reasons is that wild animals are kept in artifical surroundings. In other words, large proportions of species caught from natural habitats gradually lose their natural instincts. For example, a couple of tigers need a large area to reproduce however successful reproduction is rare in zoos because they are kept in wildlife enclosure. The explanation is that, being inside cages directly affects animals’ mating behaviors. As a result, many animal lovers strongly demand the closure of zoos.
On the other hand, despite the fact that zoo animals run a risk of losing their initial wildness, I strongly believe that zoos should not be closed. On of the reason is that these places are indispensable to the protection of animals on the brink of extinction. This is because zoos provide a safe environment where no threats from poachers. For instance, wild elephants are usually hunted to collect their tusks for commercial purpose, so those animals are faced with the risk of being slayed. Therefore, it is crucial for elephants to be carefully safeguarded and supervised by zookeepes.
In conclusion, while it is widely believed that zoos might put creatures at risk of losing their natural instincts, and some people support the idea of shutting zoos down. I firmly hold the view of that zoos have done an excellent job of ensuring the lives of endangered animals.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "People have different views about" -> "Individuals hold diverse opinions regarding"
   Explanation: "Individuals hold diverse opinions regarding" is more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

2. "go against the existence of zoos" -> "oppose the existence of zoos"
   Explanation: "Oppose" is a more direct and formal term than "go against," which is somewhat colloquial.

3. "I personally believe" -> "I firmly believe"
   Explanation: "Firmly believe" conveys a stronger, more academic tone than "personally believe," which can sound somewhat informal.

4. "those public facilities have an important role" -> "these public institutions play a crucial role"
   Explanation: "Play a crucial role" is more specific and formal than "have an important role," and "institutions" is a more precise term than "facilities" in this context.

5. "on the verge of extinction" -> "on the brink of extinction"
   Explanation: "On the brink of extinction" is a more commonly used and accepted phrase in formal writing, enhancing the academic tone.

6. "it is essential to shut down zoos" -> "it is imperative to close zoos"
   Explanation: "Imperative" is a stronger, more formal synonym for "essential," and "close" is more commonly used in formal contexts than "shut down."

7. "artifical surroundings" -> "artificial environments"
   Explanation: "Artificial environments" is the correct term, as "surroundings" is less specific and less formal.

8. "large proportions of species caught from natural habitats" -> "significant numbers of species captured from their natural habitats"
   Explanation: "Significant numbers" is more precise and formal than "large proportions," and "captured" is more specific than "caught."

9. "a couple of tigers" -> "a pair of tigers"
   Explanation: "A pair of tigers" is more formal and precise than "a couple of tigers," which is colloquial.

10. "however successful reproduction is rare" -> "however, successful reproduction is rare"
    Explanation: Adding a comma after "however" improves the sentence structure and clarity.

11. "being inside cages directly affects animals’ mating behaviors" -> "enclosure conditions directly impact animal mating behaviors"
    Explanation: "Enclosure conditions" is a more specific term than "being inside cages," and "impact" is more formal than "affects."

12. "On of the reason" -> "One of the reasons"
    Explanation: Corrects a grammatical error and clarifies that "reasons" is the correct plural form.

13. "provide a safe environment where no threats from poachers" -> "offer a secure environment free from poaching threats"
    Explanation: "Offer a secure environment free from poaching threats" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone.

14. "wild elephants are usually hunted to collect their tusks for commercial purpose" -> "wild elephants are often hunted for their tusks, primarily for commercial purposes"
    Explanation: "Often hunted for their tusks, primarily for commercial purposes" is more formal and precise, and corrects the grammatical structure.

15. "those animals are faced with the risk of being slayed" -> "these animals are at risk of being slaughtered"
    Explanation: "At risk of being slaughtered" is a more formal and accurate term than "faced with the risk of being slayed," which is less formal and uses a less precise verb.

16. "I firmly hold the view of that zoos" -> "I firmly hold the view that zoos"
    Explanation: Corrects a grammatical error and improves the sentence structure for clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding the role of zoos. The first paragraph outlines the argument against zoos, citing the artificial environments that affect animals’ natural instincts. The second paragraph presents the opposing view, emphasizing the protective role of zoos for endangered species. However, the discussion could benefit from a more balanced exploration of both perspectives. For instance, while the arguments against zoos are presented, they could be further elaborated with more examples or evidence.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, consider providing more detailed examples or statistics to support both sides. This could involve discussing specific cases of species that have benefited from zoo conservation efforts or more thoroughly explaining the negative impacts of captivity on certain animals.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that supports the existence of zoos, particularly in relation to their role in protecting endangered species. However, the transition between the two viewpoints could be smoother. The phrase "despite the fact" introduces the second argument but could be perceived as slightly dismissive of the opposing view.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the clarity of your position by using more definitive language and transitional phrases that acknowledge the validity of the opposing argument while reinforcing your stance. For example, you could say, "While concerns about animal welfare are valid, I believe that the conservation efforts provided by zoos are crucial."

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas reasonably well, particularly in the second paragraph, where the importance of zoos in protecting endangered species is emphasized. However, the supporting details could be more robust. For example, the mention of elephants being hunted for their tusks is a strong point, but it could be further developed by discussing specific conservation programs or successes in breeding endangered species in captivity.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, consider integrating more specific examples and data to substantiate your claims. Discussing successful breeding programs or rehabilitation efforts in zoos would provide a stronger foundation for your arguments.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt effectively. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened. For instance, the phrase "being inside cages directly affects animals’ mating behaviors" could be seen as veering slightly off the main argument about the overall role of zoos.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each point made directly relates back to the central question of whether zoos should be closed or not. Avoid introducing ideas that, while relevant, may distract from the main argument. Keeping a clear outline in mind while writing can help in maintaining topic relevance.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and presents a coherent argument. With more detailed examples, smoother transitions, and a sharper focus on the topic, it could achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with distinct sections for both views on zoos. The introduction outlines the topic and states the writer’s opinion, while the body paragraphs effectively separate the arguments for and against zoos. For example, the first body paragraph discusses the reasons for closing zoos, while the second paragraph presents the counterargument in favor of zoos. However, the transition between the two perspectives could be smoother to enhance the overall logical flow.
  • How to improve: To improve the logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that clearly indicate a shift in perspective, such as "Conversely" or "On the other hand." Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea, which will help guide the reader through the argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph addresses the reasons for opposing zoos, while the second supports their existence. However, the conclusion could be better integrated with the preceding arguments, as it currently feels somewhat disconnected from the body paragraphs.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the key points made in the body paragraphs and explicitly linking them back to the writer’s opinion. This will reinforce the overall argument and provide a more cohesive ending to the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to signal contrasting views. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "The explanation is that" could be replaced with a more cohesive transition that ties the previous sentence to the following explanation.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Nevertheless." This will enhance the flow of ideas and make the essay more engaging. Additionally, ensure that pronouns and synonyms are used effectively to avoid repetition and maintain coherence throughout the text.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents arguments clearly, enhancing the logical flow, improving paragraph integration, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, such as "well-being," "extinction," "artificial surroundings," and "indispensable." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat limited in variety and sophistication. For instance, terms like "cages" and "animals" are repeated without much variation, which detracts from the overall lexical richness of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeating "animals," you could use "creatures," "wildlife," or "species." Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to conservation, such as "habitat preservation," "biodiversity," or "ecosystem," could elevate the essay’s lexical quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "large proportions of species caught from natural habitats" is awkward and unclear. It would be more precise to say "a significant number of species taken from their natural habitats." Furthermore, "wildlife enclosure" is misleading; "enclosure" typically refers to a specific area within a zoo, while "habitat" would be more appropriate in this context.
  • How to improve: Focus on clarity and specificity in word choice. When discussing complex ideas, ensure that the terms used accurately convey the intended meaning. For instance, instead of "being inside cages directly affects animals’ mating behaviors," consider rephrasing to "being confined in enclosures can disrupt animals’ natural mating behaviors." This not only clarifies the message but also enhances the overall quality of the writing.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "artifical" (should be "artificial"), "On of the reason" (should be "One of the reasons"), and "zookeepes" (should be "zookeepers"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the credibility of the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing the essay, take a moment to review it for spelling mistakes. Additionally, using spell-check tools or practicing spelling through vocabulary exercises can help reinforce correct spelling habits. Regular reading can also enhance familiarity with correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precise vocabulary usage, and improving spelling accuracy—the essay could achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "While some people go against the existence of zoos, I personally believe that those public facilities have an important role to ensure the well-being of animals on the verge of extinction" showcases the ability to create nuanced arguments. However, the essay also contains several simple and compound sentences that could be further diversified. For example, phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" are effective transitions, but the overall structure could benefit from more varied introductory clauses and subordinate clauses to enhance complexity.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more relative clauses and participial phrases. For example, instead of saying "there are several reasons why it is essential to shut down zoos," you could say, "Several compelling reasons exist that advocate for the shutdown of zoos, primarily due to the detrimental effects on animal behavior." This not only adds variety but also increases the sophistication of the argument.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For instance, "artifical" should be "artificial," and "On of the reason" should be "One of the reasons." Additionally, punctuation errors such as missing commas after introductory phrases (e.g., "For example") can lead to run-on sentences and affect readability. There is also inconsistency in pluralization, such as "zookeepes" instead of "zookeepers."
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to proofread the essay for spelling and punctuation errors. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking peer feedback can help identify these issues. Moreover, practicing specific grammar rules, such as subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles, will strengthen overall writing accuracy. For example, revising "the risk of losing their initial wildness" to "the risk of losing their natural instincts" would not only correct the phrasing but also improve clarity.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band 7 for Grammatical Range and Accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and correcting grammatical errors will enhance the overall quality and effectiveness of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

People hold diverse opinions regarding the functions and roles of zoos. While some individuals oppose the existence of zoos, I firmly believe that these public institutions play a crucial role in ensuring the well-being of animals on the brink of extinction.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why it is imperative to close zoos. One of the most commonly cited arguments is that wild animals are kept in artificial environments. In other words, significant numbers of species captured from their natural habitats gradually lose their natural instincts. For example, a pair of tigers requires a large area to reproduce; however, successful reproduction is rare in zoos because they are kept in confined enclosures. The explanation is that being inside cages directly impacts animals’ mating behaviors. As a result, many animal lovers strongly advocate for the closure of zoos.

On the other hand, despite the fact that zoo animals run the risk of losing their initial wildness, I firmly believe that zoos should not be closed. One of the reasons is that these places are indispensable for the protection of animals on the brink of extinction. This is because zoos offer a secure environment free from poaching threats. For instance, wild elephants are often hunted for their tusks, primarily for commercial purposes, which puts these animals at risk of being slaughtered. Therefore, it is crucial for elephants to be carefully safeguarded and supervised by zookeepers.

In conclusion, while it is widely believed that zoos might put creatures at risk of losing their natural instincts, and some people support the idea of shutting zoos down, I firmly hold the view that zoos have done an excellent job of ensuring the lives of endangered animals.