Some people think that a job provides not only an income but also a social life. Other people think that it is better to develop a social life with people you do not work with. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people believe that the workplace offers not only financial stability but also a rich source of social interaction. However, others argue that people should pay closer attention to expand circles of friendships that are not related to their jobs. This essay will discuss both perspectives before presenting my own point of view on this topic.

On the one hand, building friendships outside workplaces allow individuals to extend their social network and bring a sense of freedom. First of all, people would create many valuable relationships with professionals majoring in various academic areas when they could have chances to meet and exchange ideas together. In other words, these relationships could provide them support in terms of education, career and family. For example, if you fell under the weather, your friends working as a doctor would give you some medical advice that is convenient and effective. Furthermore, individuals could derive a sense of freedom and relaxation while they get on well with their friends working in other professional fields. More specifically, they can entirely enjoy their life outside work and engage in conversations with their friends who do not have a shared career, they therefore just talk about hobbies, daily activities or even a holiday trip.

Conversely, I believe that fostering a relationship with their colleagues is also important for gaining more professional insights and career progression. People should recognize that when individuals dedicate their time to promote their relationships in the workplace, they could seize opportunities to share their opinions or exchange experiences with seniors. It means that they could realize their strengths and weaknesses from conversations with colleagues, resulting in applied knowledge to develop their skills and abilities. Moreover, office relationships could bring individuals chances in career progressions. By forming broader networks with their colleagues, managers or even bosses, they could show their talents and contributions to their company. So their manager or boss could recognize them as a good employee in a working environment and could offer professional training or even a higher position then, enabling individuals to thrive in their own field.

In conclusion, people should balance their friendships between outside and inside the workplace. In addition, it is rewarding for them to promote both relationships in their life as well.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the workplace offers not only financial stability but also a rich source of social interaction" -> "the workplace provides not only financial stability but also a rich source of social interaction"
Explanation: Replacing "offers" with "provides" aligns better with formal academic language, enhancing the precision and formality of the statement.
"people should pay closer attention to expand circles of friendships" -> "individuals should focus on expanding their social circles"
Explanation: "Individuals" is a more formal term than "people," and "focus on expanding their social circles" is more precise and academically appropriate than "pay closer attention to expand circles of friendships."
"building friendships outside workplaces" -> "forming friendships outside of workplaces"
Explanation: "Forming" is a more precise verb for the context of creating relationships, and "outside of" is a more formal prepositional phrase than "outside."
"people would create many valuable relationships" -> "individuals would establish numerous valuable relationships"
Explanation: "Establish" is a more formal verb than "create," and "numerous" is more precise than "many" in academic writing.
"could have chances to meet and exchange ideas together" -> "might have opportunities to meet and exchange ideas"
Explanation: "Might" is more formal than "could," and "opportunities" is a more precise term than "chances" in this context.
"fell under the weather" -> "became ill"
Explanation: "Became ill" is a more direct and formal way to express being unwell, avoiding the colloquialism "fell under the weather."
"get on well with their friends working in other professional fields" -> "develop strong relationships with colleagues in other professional fields"
Explanation: "Develop strong relationships" is more specific and formal than "get on well," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"they therefore just talk about hobbies, daily activities or even a holiday trip" -> "they thus engage in discussions about hobbies, daily activities, or even vacation plans"
Explanation: "Thus" is more formal than "therefore," and "engage in discussions about" is more precise than "just talk about." Also, "vacation plans" is more formal than "holiday trip."
"dedicate their time to promote their relationships" -> "invest their time in fostering their relationships"
Explanation: "Invest their time in fostering" is a more formal and precise way to describe actively nurturing relationships.
"seize opportunities to share their opinions or exchange experiences" -> "capitalize on opportunities to share their opinions and exchange experiences"
Explanation: "Capitalize on" is a more formal expression than "seize," and "and" is used correctly instead of "or" to indicate that both sharing opinions and exchanging experiences are part of the process.
"applied knowledge to develop their skills and abilities" -> "applied knowledge to enhance their skills and abilities"
Explanation: "Enhance" is a more precise term than "develop" in this context, suggesting a more specific improvement in skills and abilities.
"bring individuals chances in career progressions" -> "offer individuals opportunities for career advancement"
Explanation: "Offer opportunities for career advancement" is more formal and precise than "bring individuals chances in career progressions."
"could recognize them as a good employee in a working environment" -> "could recognize them as a valuable employee in the workplace"
Explanation: "Valuable" is more specific and formal than "good," and "the workplace" is more precise than "a working environment."
"could offer professional training or even a higher position then" -> "could provide professional training or even a higher position subsequently"
Explanation: "Provide" is more formal than "offer," and "subsequently" is more precise and formal than "then" in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views presented in the prompt. The first body paragraph discusses the advantages of developing friendships outside of work, highlighting the expansion of social networks and the freedom that comes from these relationships. The second body paragraph presents the counterargument, emphasizing the benefits of workplace relationships for professional growth and career progression. The essay concludes with a balanced perspective, suggesting that individuals should cultivate both types of relationships. This comprehensive approach demonstrates a clear understanding of the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response further, the essay could include more specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate the points made. For instance, providing a personal experience or a well-known case study could strengthen the argument. Additionally, explicitly linking back to the prompt in the conclusion could reinforce the discussion and provide a clearer summary of the arguments presented.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position, particularly in the conclusion where the author advocates for a balance between workplace and outside friendships. However, the transition between the discussion of both views could be more explicit, as the shift from one perspective to the other may confuse some readers about the author’s stance.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the author could use transitional phrases to signal shifts in perspective more effectively. For example, phrases like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can be strengthened with additional context to clarify the author’s opinion. Additionally, reiterating the main argument in the introduction and conclusion can help maintain a consistent position throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the discussion of the benefits of both workplace and external friendships. The use of examples, such as receiving medical advice from a friend in the healthcare field, effectively illustrates the points made. However, some ideas could be further extended to deepen the analysis, particularly in the second body paragraph where the discussion of career progression could benefit from more detailed examples.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the author should aim to elaborate on the examples provided. For instance, discussing specific scenarios where workplace relationships led to promotions or professional development could provide a more compelling argument. Additionally, integrating statistics or research findings related to workplace relationships and their impact on career success could further substantiate the claims.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, addressing the importance of both workplace and external friendships. The author does not deviate from the main argument, which is commendable. However, there are moments where the language could be more precise to avoid ambiguity, such as the phrase "they could seize opportunities to share their opinions," which could be clearer in its intent.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and clarity, the author should ensure that all sentences directly relate to the main argument. Using specific language and avoiding vague terms can help clarify the points being made. Additionally, reviewing the essay for any potential tangents or unclear phrases can help ensure that the writing remains tightly aligned with the topic at hand.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively presents both sides of the argument while maintaining a clear position. With some enhancements in examples and clarity, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is well-structured, presenting two clear perspectives on the topic before concluding with the author’s opinion. The introduction effectively sets up the discussion, and the body paragraphs are logically organized, with each paragraph focusing on a specific viewpoint. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of friendships outside the workplace, while the second addresses the advantages of workplace relationships. This clear delineation aids the reader’s understanding and maintains a logical flow throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, the author could use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to explicitly state the main idea. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases at the beginning of each paragraph could help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for coherence. Each paragraph contains a clear focus, and the length of the paragraphs is appropriate, allowing for thorough exploration of each point. However, the conclusion, while present, could be more distinct in summarizing the main arguments and reinforcing the author’s opinion.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the author could ensure that the conclusion is more than just a brief statement. It should encapsulate the key points discussed in the body paragraphs and reiterate the author’s stance more emphatically. This would provide a stronger closure to the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "in other words," and "moreover," which help connect ideas within and between paragraphs. These devices enhance the flow of the essay and guide the reader through the argument. However, there is a tendency to rely on certain phrases, which can make the writing feel repetitive at times.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the author could incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "moreover," alternatives like "in addition," "furthermore," or "on the other hand" could be employed. Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms can help reduce redundancy and improve the overall cohesion of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, effectively addressing the prompt while maintaining clarity and structure. By implementing the suggested improvements, the author can elevate their writing to an even higher level.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "financial stability," "social interaction," "valuable relationships," and "career progression." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive or lacks variety. For example, the phrase "relationships" is used multiple times without synonyms or varied expressions, which could enhance the richness of the text.
- How to improve: To elevate the lexical resource, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "relationships," alternatives like "connections," "associations," or "friendships" could be utilized. Additionally, employing more advanced vocabulary related to social dynamics and professional growth, such as "networking," "collaboration," or "interpersonal skills," would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For example, the phrase "when they could have chances to meet" is somewhat awkward and could be more clearly expressed. The term "fell under the weather" is informal and may not suit the academic tone expected in IELTS essays.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choice. Replacing "when they could have chances to meet" with "when they have opportunities to meet" would enhance clarity. Furthermore, opting for more formal expressions, such as "experiencing illness" instead of "fell under the weather," would align better with the essay’s academic context.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with only minor errors that do not significantly impede understanding. However, there is a notable error in the phrase "career progressions," where "progressions" should be singular ("progression") to match the context.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on common pitfalls such as subject-verb agreement and singular/plural forms. Utilizing spell-check tools or reading the essay aloud can help catch such errors. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words in academic writing can further improve spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in lexical resource, there are clear areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and ensuring spelling accuracy, the writer can aim for a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and compound sentences. For instance, phrases such as "when individuals dedicate their time to promote their relationships in the workplace" and "individuals could derive a sense of freedom and relaxation while they get on well with their friends working in other professional fields" showcase the writer’s ability to construct more intricate ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a tendency to rely on similar structures, which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could experiment with different introductory phrases, such as using adverbial clauses or participial phrases. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "individuals" or "people," the writer could use phrases like "By fostering relationships," or "Through engaging in social activities." Additionally, incorporating more varied conjunctions and transition words can help in creating more complex and engaging sentences.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few errors that do not significantly impede comprehension. For example, the phrase "if you fell under the weather" should be "if you fall under the weather" to maintain consistency in tense. Additionally, there are minor punctuation issues, such as the lack of a comma before "and family" in the list "education, career and family," which is necessary for clarity. The use of commas in complex sentences is sometimes inconsistent, which can lead to confusion in longer sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay closer attention to verb tenses and ensure they are consistent throughout the essay. Practicing the use of commas in lists and complex sentences will also enhance clarity. A good strategy is to read the essay aloud to catch any awkward phrasing or punctuation errors. Furthermore, reviewing rules for punctuation in compound and complex sentences can help solidify these skills.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some people believe that the workplace provides not only financial stability but also a rich source of social interaction. However, others argue that individuals should focus on expanding their social circles with people outside of their jobs. This essay will discuss both perspectives before presenting my own point of view on this topic.

On the one hand, forming friendships outside of the workplace allows individuals to extend their social network and enjoy a sense of freedom. First of all, people would establish numerous valuable relationships with professionals from various academic fields when they have opportunities to meet and exchange ideas together. In other words, these relationships could provide them with support in terms of education, career, and family. For example, if someone became ill, their friends working as doctors could offer convenient and effective medical advice. Furthermore, individuals could derive a sense of freedom and relaxation while they engage with friends from different professional backgrounds. More specifically, they can fully enjoy their lives outside of work and engage in conversations that do not revolve around their careers; they thus might discuss hobbies, daily activities, or even vacation plans.

Conversely, I believe that investing time in fostering relationships with colleagues is also important for gaining professional insights and career advancement. People should recognize that when individuals dedicate their time to nurturingtheir relationships in the workplace, they could capitalize on opportunities to share their opinions and exchange experiences with senior colleagues. This means they could identify their strengths and weaknesses through discussions with coworkers, resulting in applied knowledge that enhances their skills and abilities. Moreover, office relationships could provide individuals with opportunities for career progression. By developing strong relationships with their colleagues, managers, or even bosses, they could demonstrate their talents and contributions to the company. Consequently, their manager or boss could recognize them as valuable employees in the workplace and might offer professional training or even a higher position subsequently, enabling individuals to thrive in their respective fields.

In conclusion, people should strive to balance their friendships both outside and inside the workplace. Additionally, it is rewarding for them to invest in both types of relationships in their lives.