Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small difference in earning between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small difference in earning between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

The most efficient way to create a happier society is make sure that the distances between the richest and the poorest member in earning money is nearest. In this cases, I’ll evaluate some reasons why I agree with this situation.

Producing a balance environment for everyone helps poor residents have a peaceful life which is not stress in earning money. In this society, people discriminate, who is rich than other, so that every citizens from the poor to the rich share good school, better service in hospital and other infrastructure. The poor have opportunities studying well-known school which gives them high quality in education and support them to get a high paying job in the future. Therefore, government have more workforces to develop country.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "make sure that the distances between the richest and the poorest member in earning money is nearest" -> "ensure that the disparity in income between the richest and poorest individuals is minimized"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and uses informal language. The suggested revision uses more precise and formal vocabulary, improving clarity and aligning with academic standards.

2. "In this cases" -> "In this context"
   Explanation: "In this cases" is grammatically incorrect. "In this context" is the correct phrase, providing a clearer and more formal introduction to the discussion.

3. "I’ll evaluate some reasons why I agree with this situation" -> "I will discuss the reasons why I concur with this perspective"
   Explanation: "I’ll" is too informal for academic writing. "I will" is more formal, and "concur" is a more precise term than "agree," which is commonly used in academic discourse.

4. "Producing a balance environment for everyone helps poor residents have a peaceful life which is not stress in earning money" -> "Establishing a balanced environment for all residents fosters a peaceful life free from financial stress"
   Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects these issues and uses more formal language, enhancing clarity and precision.

5. "who is rich than other" -> "who are richer than others"
   Explanation: "who is rich than other" is grammatically incorrect. "who are richer than others" corrects the grammatical error and uses the plural form to match the plural subject "citizens."

6. "every citizens from the poor to the rich share good school, better service in hospital and other infrastructure" -> "all citizens, regardless of socioeconomic status, have access to quality schools, improved healthcare services, and infrastructure"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision clarifies the meaning and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.

7. "The poor have opportunities studying well-known school which gives them high quality in education" -> "The poor have opportunities to attend well-regarded schools, which provide them with high-quality education"
   Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects these issues and uses more precise language.

8. "support them to get a high paying job in the future" -> "enables them to secure high-paying jobs in the future"
   Explanation: "support them to get" is informal and vague. "enables them to secure" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style better.

9. "government have more workforces to develop country" -> "the government has more workforce to develop the country"
   Explanation: "government have" is grammatically incorrect. "the government has" corrects the subject-verb agreement, and "workforce" should be singular to match "the government." Additionally, "develop country" is grammatically incorrect; "develop the country" is the correct phrase.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by arguing that reducing the income gap can lead to a happier society. However, it does not fully explore the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement. The phrase "I’ll evaluate some reasons why I agree with this situation" suggests a partial agreement but lacks a clear articulation of the writer’s position. Additionally, the essay does not consider counterarguments or alternative perspectives, which are essential for a balanced discussion.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly state their position in the introduction and explicitly indicate the extent of their agreement or disagreement. Including a brief outline of the main points to be discussed can also help in addressing all parts of the question more comprehensively.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay starts with a claim about the importance of reducing income disparities, but the position is not consistently maintained throughout the text. The use of phrases like "I agree with this situation" is vague and does not provide a strong, clear stance. The lack of a definitive position makes it difficult for the reader to understand the writer’s viewpoint.
  • How to improve: The writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. Using clear topic sentences in each paragraph that reflect the main argument can help maintain a consistent position. Additionally, summarizing the stance in the conclusion can reinforce the writer’s viewpoint.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the benefits of a balanced society and access to education, but these ideas are not fully developed or supported with concrete examples. The argument lacks depth, as it does not provide sufficient evidence or elaboration to substantiate the claims made. For instance, the mention of "good school" and "better service in hospital" is vague and does not illustrate how these factors contribute to a happier society.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to provide specific examples and elaborate on each point made. For instance, discussing specific policies that could reduce income inequality or citing studies that link income equality to societal happiness would strengthen the argument. Additionally, each idea should be clearly connected to the central thesis.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the relationship between income disparity and societal happiness. However, the lack of depth in discussion and the vague phrasing can lead to a perception of drifting from the main argument. The sentence structure and grammar issues also detract from the clarity of the points being made, which can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the main argument and contributes to the overall thesis. Using clear and concise language can help in staying on topic. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, the essay requires significant improvement in clarity, depth, and structure to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on a clear position, developing ideas with specific examples, and ensuring grammatical accuracy will greatly enhance the effectiveness of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a basic argument in favor of reducing income disparity to create a happier society. However, the organization of ideas is somewhat unclear. For instance, the introduction lacks a clear thesis statement, making it difficult for the reader to understand the main argument. The transition from the first paragraph to the second is abrupt, as the second paragraph introduces new ideas without a clear connection to the previous one. The mention of "discriminating" against the rich is confusing and detracts from the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer should start with a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that clearly states the main idea, followed by supporting details. Additionally, using transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "Conversely") can help connect ideas between paragraphs and improve the overall coherence of the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but they are not effectively structured. The first paragraph introduces the topic but does not clearly delineate the argument. The second paragraph contains multiple ideas that are not well-organized, making it difficult for the reader to follow the writer’s line of reasoning. The lack of clear separation between different points leads to a confusing reading experience.
  • How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea. The writer could benefit from using one paragraph to discuss the benefits of reducing income disparity (e.g., improved access to education and healthcare) and another to address potential counterarguments or additional benefits. Ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supporting details will improve clarity and coherence.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices. While there are some attempts at linking ideas, such as "therefore" and "in this cases," the overall range is insufficient. The use of cohesive devices is often mechanical and does not effectively guide the reader through the argument. For example, the phrase "which is not stress in earning money" is awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity.
  • How to improve: The writer should aim to incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions (e.g., "although," "because"), adverbial phrases (e.g., "as a result," "in contrast"), and referencing (e.g., using pronouns to avoid repetition). Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can help the writer create smoother transitions between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay.

In summary, to improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay, the writer should focus on organizing ideas logically, structuring paragraphs effectively, and using a wider range of cohesive devices. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the clarity and persuasiveness of their argument, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some appropriate word choices such as "efficient," "create," and "opportunities." However, the vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks variety. For instance, the term "poor" is used multiple times without synonyms or variations, which limits the lexical diversity. Additionally, phrases like "the distances between the richest and the poorest member in earning money" could be expressed more succinctly and effectively.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeating "poor," alternatives like "low-income individuals" or "disadvantaged groups" could be used. Additionally, using phrases like "income disparity" or "economic inequality" would provide more depth to the discussion.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the distances between the richest and the poorest member in earning money is nearest." This phrase is awkward and unclear, as "distances" and "nearest" do not accurately convey the intended meaning of income disparity. Furthermore, "the poor have opportunities studying well-known school" is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and grammatical correctness. For example, the phrase could be revised to "the income gap between the richest and poorest individuals should be minimized." Additionally, ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct will enhance overall clarity. The writer could practice using collocations and familiar phrases that are commonly used in academic writing.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "member" (should be "members"), "stress" (should be "stressed"), and "citizens" (should be "citizens"). These errors detract from the overall readability and professionalism of the essay. The incorrect spelling of "well-known school" (should be "well-known schools") also reflects a lack of attention to detail.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice with spelling exercises and utilize spell-check tools when drafting essays. Additionally, reading extensively can help reinforce correct spelling and familiarize the writer with commonly used words and phrases. It would also be beneficial to proofread the essay carefully before submission to catch any spelling errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and attempts to use relevant vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating these suggestions, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future IELTS writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For example, the opening sentence, "The most efficient way to create a happier society is make sure that the distances between the richest and the poorest member in earning money is nearest," primarily relies on simple and compound structures. The use of phrases like "is make sure" is grammatically incorrect and detracts from the overall effectiveness of the sentence. Additionally, the sentences tend to be somewhat repetitive in structure, which can make the writing feel monotonous.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying, "The poor have opportunities studying well-known school," you could say, "The poor have opportunities to study at well-known schools, which provide them with high-quality education." This not only adds complexity but also improves clarity. Experimenting with different sentence beginnings and using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences will also help diversify the writing style.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, "the distances between the richest and the poorest member in earning money is nearest" should be corrected to "the distance between the richest and the poorest members in terms of earnings is minimized." The subject-verb agreement is incorrect in phrases like "government have more workforces," which should be "the government has more workforces." Additionally, punctuation errors, such as the unnecessary comma in "people discriminate, who is rich than other," disrupt the flow of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review subject-verb agreement rules and ensure that singular and plural forms are used correctly. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common mistakes can also be beneficial. For punctuation, consider studying the rules for comma usage and practicing with sample sentences to understand where commas are necessary and where they are not. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors, allowing for corrections before finalizing the draft.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the overall grammatical range and accuracy of the essay can be significantly enhanced, potentially leading to a higher band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

The most efficient way to create a happier society is to ensure that the disparity in income between the richest and poorest members is minimized. In this context, I will discuss the reasons why I concur with this perspective.

Establishing a balanced environment for all residents fosters a peaceful life free from financial stress. In such a society, individuals are less likely to discriminate against those who are richer than others, as all citizens, regardless of socioeconomic status, have access to quality schools, improved healthcare services, and essential infrastructure. The poor have opportunities to attend well-regarded schools, which provide them with high-quality education and enable them to secure high-paying jobs in the future. Consequently, the government has a more substantial workforce to develop the country.

In conclusion, minimizing income disparity contributes significantly to a happier society by promoting equality and providing opportunities for all individuals to thrive.