The graph below shows the percentage of people visiting gym once a month or more between 1984 to 2003.

The line graph illustrates the proportion of visitors attending gym at least a time monthly from 1984 to 2003.
Overall, there was an upward trend for the percentage of attendees going to gym at the age groups of 18 to 45 and 65 or above with the greatest increase can be seen in the 18-25 group. Meanwhile, the share of gym visitors at the age of at least 65 had experienced an opposite trend compared to the former.
In 1984, nearly a third of total gym visitors was the 26-to-45 age, after which it saw a decline to nearly 35 percent 10 years later before witnessing a rise of approximately 20 percent in the latter half of the time examined. In the same period, the figure for people at the age of 18-25 witnessed a similar increasing trend throughout the timespan, with just about 16 percent of all visitors in 1984 to nearly 63 percent at the end point of the surveyed time and simultaneously became the most popular age group joining gym.
Regarding to the percentage of 46-to-65-age gym attendees, it underwent a moderate increase in the first five years before considerably decreasing to become the least common-age group going to gym at just below 17 percent out of total in 2003. In contrast, the figure for the age of 65 and above generally rose during the timespan, however, it was still the least common age group going to gym with the exception of the end point.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the proportion of visitors attending gym at least a time monthly" -> "the proportion of visitors attending the gym at least once a month"
Explanation: "a time monthly" is awkward and informal; "at least once a month" is clearer and more precise. Additionally, "the gym" is more grammatically correct than "gym."
"there was an upward trend for the percentage of attendees going to gym" -> "there was an upward trend in the percentage of attendees visiting the gym"
Explanation: "in the percentage" is the correct prepositional phrase to indicate a trend, and "visiting the gym" is a more formal and precise expression than "going to gym."
"with the greatest increase can be seen in the 18-25 group" -> "with the greatest increase observed in the 18-25 age group"
Explanation: "observed" is a more formal term than "can be seen," and adding "age" clarifies the demographic being discussed.
"the share of gym visitors at the age of at least 65 had experienced an opposite trend compared to the former" -> "the share of gym visitors aged 65 and older experienced a contrasting trend compared to the younger groups"
Explanation: "aged 65 and older" is more concise and formal than "at the age of at least 65," and "contrasting trend" is a more precise term than "opposite trend."
"nearly a third of total gym visitors was the 26-to-45 age" -> "nearly a third of total gym visitors were individuals aged 26 to 45"
Explanation: "were" agrees with the plural subject "individuals," and "aged 26 to 45" is a clearer and more formal way to express the age range.
"after which it saw a decline to nearly 35 percent 10 years later" -> "after which there was a decline to nearly 35 percent ten years later"
Explanation: "there was" is more formal and appropriate than "it saw," and spelling out "ten" is more suitable for academic writing.
"witnessing a rise of approximately 20 percent in the latter half of the time examined" -> "witnessing an increase of approximately 20 percent in the latter half of the period examined"
Explanation: "increase" is a more formal term than "rise," and "period" is more precise than "time."
"the figure for people at the age of 18-25 witnessed a similar increasing trend throughout the timespan" -> "the figure for individuals aged 18 to 25 exhibited a similar increasing trend throughout the period"
Explanation: "individuals aged 18 to 25" is more formal and precise than "people at the age of 18-25," and "exhibited" is a more academic term than "witnessed."
"just about 16 percent of all visitors in 1984 to nearly 63 percent at the end point of the surveyed time" -> "approximately 16 percent of all visitors in 1984 to nearly 63 percent by the end of the surveyed period"
Explanation: "approximately" is a more formal term than "just about," and "by the end of the surveyed period" is clearer than "at the end point of the surveyed time."
"Regarding to the percentage of 46-to-65-age gym attendees" -> "Regarding the percentage of gym attendees aged 46 to 65"
Explanation: "Regarding" does not require "to," and "aged 46 to 65" is a more concise and formal way to express the age range.
"it underwent a moderate increase in the first five years before considerably decreasing to become the least common-age group going to gym" -> "it underwent a moderate increase in the first five years before significantly decreasing to become the least common age group attending the gym"
Explanation: "significantly" is a more precise term than "considerably," and "attending the gym" is more formal than "going to gym."
"the figure for the age of 65 and above generally rose during the timespan, however, it was still the least common age group going to gym" -> "the figure for individuals aged 65 and older generally rose during the period; however, it remained the least common age group attending the gym"
Explanation: "individuals aged 65 and older" is more formal, and "remained" is a more precise term than "was still." The semicolon improves sentence structure by properly connecting two independent clauses.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the graph, but the information is not always presented in a clear and concise way. For example, the essay states that the percentage of gym visitors aged 26-45 "saw a decline to nearly 35 percent 10 years later before witnessing a rise of approximately 20 percent in the latter half of the time examined." This is a bit confusing and could be made clearer. The essay also presents some details that are not relevant to the task, such as the fact that the percentage of gym visitors aged 18-25 "simultaneously became the most popular age group joining gym." This information is not necessary to understand the main trends in the graph.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by presenting the information in a more concise and clear way. The writer should also focus on the main trends in the graph and avoid including irrelevant details. For example, the writer could simply state that the percentage of gym visitors aged 26-45 declined from 1984 to 1994 and then increased from 1994 to 2003. The writer could also avoid stating that the percentage of gym visitors aged 18-25 "simultaneously became the most popular age group joining gym." This information is not necessary to understand the main trends in the graph.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. The writer attempts to organize the data logically, discussing different age groups and their trends over time. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances of awkward phrasing that disrupt the flow of ideas. For example, phrases like "the share of gym visitors at the age of at least 65 had experienced an opposite trend" could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, while paragraphing is present, it is not always logical, as some ideas could be better grouped together for clarity.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally. This includes varying sentence structures and ensuring that transitions between ideas are smooth. Improving paragraphing by grouping related ideas together and ensuring each paragraph has a clear central topic would also help. Lastly, revising awkward phrases for clarity and conciseness will contribute to a more fluid reading experience.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "at least a time monthly" instead of "at least once a month," and "the share of gym visitors at the age of at least 65 had experienced an opposite trend" which could be phrased more clearly. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "the 26-to-45 age" which should be "the 26 to 45 age group." These errors do not significantly impede communication, but they do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes avoiding awkward phrases and ensuring correct collocations. Additionally, practicing spelling and word formation will help reduce errors. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and varying sentence structures can also contribute to a higher score. Finally, ensuring clarity in expression will improve overall communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While it does attempt to use a variety of structures, there are noticeable grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the share of gym visitors at the age of at least 65 had experienced an opposite trend" could be more clearly articulated. Additionally, there are errors in punctuation and sentence construction, such as "the greatest increase can be seen in the 18-25 group," which could be better expressed. Overall, while the communication is generally effective, the errors do affect readability.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on increasing the accuracy of their grammatical structures and punctuation. This can be done by proofreading for common errors, practicing complex sentence forms, and ensuring that all sentences are clear and concise. Additionally, expanding the range of vocabulary and varying sentence structures more effectively would enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph illustrates the proportion of visitors attending the gym at least once a month from 1984 to 2003. Overall, there was an upward trend in the percentage of attendees in the age groups of 18 to 45 and 65 or above, with the greatest increase observed in the 18-25 group. Meanwhile, the share of gym visitors aged 65 and above experienced a contrasting trend compared to the younger groups.

In 1984, nearly a third of total gym visitors were in the 26-to-45 age group, after which this figure declined to nearly 35 percent ten years later before witnessing a rise of approximately 20 percent in the latter half of the period examined. During the same timeframe, the percentage of people aged 18-25 showed a consistent upward trend, increasing from about 16 percent of all visitors in 1984 to nearly 63 percent by the end of the surveyed period, thus becoming the most popular age group attending the gym.

Regarding the percentage of 46-to-65 age group gym attendees, it underwent a moderate increase in the first five years before experiencing a significant decline, ultimately becoming the least common age group attending the gym at just below 17 percent of the total in 2003. In contrast, the figure for those aged 65 and above generally rose during the timespan; however, it remained the least common age group attending the gym, with the exception of the endpoint.