Some people
Some people
Some people think that good health is a basic human need so medical service should not be organized by profit making companies, I think there are still adventages after disadvantages
First of all we talk about the disadvantages of medical service being organized by profit-making companies.Because medical services are organized in profit-making companies, they are often expensive and not for the poor,and it is creating inequality between the rich and the poor people.This make a very bad effect because then poor people can get medical treatment because they do not have enough money.for example their medical service created for help them earn more money so this also make this profit-making's medical service very expensive. Moreover, because this organized by a profit-making company, this company have not to pay attention to medical service, they only think about making profit.This makes the treatment process of people not good. On the other hand, profit-making companies organize medical service also offer some advantages.First, those companies provide personal medical services to people who want privacy that is difficult find in public hospitals.the public hospitals was created to provide medical services to many people then the patients will have to be treated together . Furthemore, this profit-making companies organize medical service helps public hospitals reduce the pressure of treating and curing diseases.because these public hospital can not supply to every one the medical service with many patients everyday
In conclusion, while some people rejecting the profit-making companies that organize medical service when seeing its disadvantages, it still offers some benefits
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Some people think" -> "Some individuals believe"
Explanation: "Individuals" is a more formal term than "people," and "believe" is more precise than "think" in academic writing, enhancing the formality and specificity of the statement. -
"good health is a basic human need" -> "good health is an essential human necessity"
Explanation: "Essential human necessity" is a more formal and precise phrase that conveys the importance of health in a more academic tone. -
"I think there are still adventages after disadvantages" -> "I contend that there are still advantages despite the disadvantages"
Explanation: "Contend" is a more formal verb than "think," and "despite" is more appropriate than "after" to indicate the presence of disadvantages alongside advantages. -
"First of all we talk about" -> "First, we will discuss"
Explanation: "We will discuss" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "we talk about," which is too conversational. -
"Because medical services are organized in profit-making companies, they are often expensive and not for the poor" -> "Given that medical services are organized by profit-making companies, they are frequently expensive and inaccessible to the poor"
Explanation: "Given that" is a more formal transitional phrase, and "inaccessible" is a more precise term than "not for the poor," which is vague and informal. -
"This make a very bad effect" -> "This has a detrimental effect"
Explanation: "Has a detrimental effect" is more formal and precise than "make a very bad effect," which is grammatically incorrect and overly simplistic. -
"for example their medical service created for help them earn more money" -> "for example, their medical services are designed to generate revenue"
Explanation: "Are designed to generate revenue" is more precise and formal than "created for help them earn more money," which is grammatically incorrect and informal. -
"this also make this profit-making’s medical service very expensive" -> "this also contributes to the high cost of these profit-making medical services"
Explanation: "Contributes to the high cost" is more precise and formal than "make this profit-making’s medical service very expensive," which is grammatically incorrect and awkward. -
"because this organized by a profit-making company" -> "because they are organized by a profit-making company"
Explanation: Adding "they" clarifies the subject of the sentence, improving readability and grammatical accuracy. -
"this company have not to pay attention to medical service" -> "these companies do not prioritize medical services"
Explanation: "Do not prioritize" is a more formal and precise way to express the lack of attention to medical services, and "these companies" is grammatically correct. -
"they only think about making profit" -> "they prioritize profit maximization"
Explanation: "Prioritize profit maximization" is a more formal and precise way to describe the focus of these companies, replacing the informal "making profit." -
"Furthemore" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "Furthermore" is the correct spelling, enhancing the professionalism of the text. -
"the public hospitals was created" -> "public hospitals were created"
Explanation: "Were created" corrects the verb tense to match the plural subject "hospitals," improving grammatical accuracy. -
"the patients will have to be treated together" -> "patients must be treated collectively"
Explanation: "Must be treated collectively" is more formal and precise than "will have to be treated together," which is less formal and slightly awkward. -
"because these public hospital can not supply to every one the medical service with many patients everyday" -> "because these public hospitals cannot provide medical services to all patients daily"
Explanation: "Cannot provide medical services to all patients daily" corrects grammatical errors and improves clarity and formality.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the disadvantages and advantages of profit-making companies in the medical service sector. It identifies key issues such as inequality in access to healthcare and the focus on profit over patient care. However, the response could be seen as somewhat underdeveloped, as it does not fully explore the implications of these points or provide a balanced view of both sides. For example, while the disadvantages are mentioned, the advantages could be elaborated further to provide a more comprehensive answer.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each part of the question is thoroughly explored. This could involve providing more specific examples of both the disadvantages and advantages, as well as discussing potential solutions to the issues raised. Including statistics or studies could also strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that acknowledges both sides of the argument but lacks clarity in expressing a definitive stance. Phrases like "I think there are still advantages after disadvantages" suggest a somewhat ambiguous viewpoint. The position could be interpreted as leaning towards the advantages of profit-making companies, but this is not consistently reinforced throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Using phrases such as "In my opinion" or "I strongly believe" can help clarify the stance. Additionally, each paragraph should tie back to this central position to reinforce the argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the disadvantages and advantages of profit-making medical services. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the essay mentions that profit-making companies can provide personal medical services, it does not delve into how this benefits patients or the healthcare system as a whole. The examples provided are somewhat vague and lack depth.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with more detailed explanations and relevant examples. This could involve discussing specific cases where profit-making companies have improved healthcare access or quality, as well as providing counterexamples to support the disadvantages mentioned.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the role of profit-making companies in healthcare. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages. The flow could be improved to ensure that each point logically leads to the next without losing sight of the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should outline the main points before writing the essay and ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader and keep the discussion relevant to the prompt. Additionally, avoiding overly complex sentences can help clarify the main ideas being presented.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in clarity, depth, and coherence would enhance the overall effectiveness of the response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the organization of medical services by profit-making companies. It begins with the disadvantages, followed by the advantages, which is a logical structure. However, the transitions between points are somewhat abrupt, and some ideas are not fully developed or clearly linked. For example, the transition from discussing the disadvantages to the advantages lacks a clear signal, which can confuse readers about the shift in focus.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer should use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For instance, phrases like "On the contrary," or "Conversely," can help signal a shift in perspective. Additionally, ensuring that each point is fully elaborated before moving on to the next will strengthen the overall structure.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into paragraphs, but they are not clearly delineated, which affects readability. The first paragraph discusses disadvantages, but it lacks a clear topic sentence and could benefit from more organization within the paragraph. The second paragraph addresses advantages but similarly lacks clarity and coherence in its presentation.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea. For example, the disadvantages could start with a sentence like, "One significant drawback of profit-making medical services is their high cost, which creates inequality." Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph contains a mix of supporting details and examples will improve clarity and coherence.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "on the other hand," and "moreover." However, the range is limited, and some devices are used repetitively, which can detract from the overall flow. For instance, the phrase "because" is used multiple times, which can lead to a monotonous reading experience.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, using "in addition," "furthermore," "however," and "consequently" can enhance the text’s fluidity. Additionally, varying sentence structures can help maintain reader interest and improve the overall cohesion of the essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "medical service," "profit-making companies," and "inequality" being relevant to the topic. However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "profit-making" and "medical service," which could be varied to enhance the essay’s richness. Additionally, the use of phrases like "very bad effect" lacks sophistication and could be replaced with more nuanced expressions.
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, consider using synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "profit-making companies," you might use "private healthcare providers," "commercial medical organizations," or "for-profit healthcare systems." Similarly, instead of "very bad effect," consider phrases like "adverse impact" or "detrimental consequences."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "this make a very bad effect" is grammatically incorrect and vague. The use of "adventages after disadvantages" is also unclear and does not effectively convey the intended meaning. Additionally, the phrase "this organized by a profit-making company" is awkward and lacks clarity.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects your ideas. For instance, instead of "this make a very bad effect," you could say "this leads to significant negative consequences." Clarifying phrases like "the advantages outweigh the disadvantages" would also enhance precision. Regularly practicing paraphrasing and using contextually appropriate vocabulary can help in this area.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "adventages" (advantages), "Furthemore" (furthermore), and "this make" (this makes). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse readers.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a moment to read through the essay specifically looking for spelling mistakes. Additionally, using spell-check tools or applications can help catch errors before submission. Regular practice with vocabulary lists and flashcards can also reinforce correct spelling over time.
By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, improving precision in word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy—the overall quality of the essay can be significantly improved, potentially raising the band score in the Lexical Resource category.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited variety of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, lacking complex structures that could enhance the argument. For example, the sentence "Because medical services are organized in profit-making companies, they are often expensive and not for the poor" is a compound sentence but could be more effectively expressed using a complex structure. Additionally, phrases like "this make a very bad effect" and "this organized by a profit-making company" indicate a lack of variety and sophistication in sentence construction.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice using more complex sentences, which include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "this make a very bad effect," the writer could say, "This has a detrimental effect on the ability of poor individuals to access necessary medical care." Incorporating relative clauses, conditional sentences, and varied sentence beginnings will also enhance the overall complexity and engagement of the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, "this make a very bad effect" should be "this has a very bad effect," indicating a subject-verb agreement error. Additionally, the phrase "this organized by a profit-making company" is missing a verb, making it unclear. Punctuation is also inconsistent; for instance, there are missing commas that could help clarify the meaning, such as before conjunctions in compound sentences. The use of "First of all we talk about the disadvantages" lacks a comma after "all," which is necessary for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review subject-verb agreement rules and ensure that all sentences have the necessary verbs. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common errors can also be beneficial. For punctuation, the writer should familiarize themselves with the rules regarding comma usage, especially in complex and compound sentences. Reading more academic essays can also help internalize proper punctuation and grammatical structures.
Overall, while the essay presents a relevant argument, enhancing grammatical range and accuracy through varied sentence structures and careful attention to grammar and punctuation will significantly improve the quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
Some individuals believe that good health is an essential human necessity, so medical services should not be organized by profit-making companies. I contend that there are still advantages despite the disadvantages.
First, we will discuss the disadvantages of medical services being organized by profit-making companies. Given that medical services are organized by profit-making companies, they are frequently expensive and inaccessible to the poor, creating inequality between the rich and the less fortunate. This has a detrimental effect because poor individuals may struggle to receive medical treatment due to financial constraints. For example, their medical services are designed to generate revenue, which also contributes to the high cost of these profit-making medical services. Furthermore, because they are organized by a profit-making company, these companies do not prioritize medical services; instead, they focus on profit maximization. This can negatively impact the quality of care that patients receive.
On the other hand, profit-making companies that organize medical services also offer some advantages. First, these companies provide personalized medical services to individuals who desire privacy, which can be difficult to find in public hospitals. Public hospitals were created to serve many patients, meaning that individuals often have to be treated collectively. Moreover, these profit-making companies help alleviate the pressure on public hospitals by treating patients who can afford their services, as these public hospitals cannot provide medical services to everyone on a daily basis.
In conclusion, while some people reject the idea of profit-making companies organizing medical services due to their disadvantages, it is important to recognize that they also offer certain benefits.
