Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us want to be and to look the same. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In consumer culture, advertising soon becomes a prominent part of an individual’s life as serving the demands. Nevertheless, some people argue that by using the pervasive products, people have had a profound impact on their individuality. Personally, I totally disagree with this opinion based on some reasons that are elucidated in this essay.

Firstly, the core of advertising is showing the necessity, the convenience and the level of satisfaction to their customers. Moreover, the market leaders don’t hasten people to buy their products, they solely catch the attention of individuals by demonstrating subjections and choices. In fact, people of different ages have different styles, but it's inevitable that there will be people who have the same figure. Therefore, through the way that the market leaders clearly understand what their consumers want, they can make the suitable ones that are satisfying massive users.

Secondly, creating a new brand or goods meeting consumer standards necessitate effort, time and money. In other words, mostly people can not design by themselves, if they can, the less extravagant way is they have to be expert and spend time optimizing their products, so to regularly ease it, they prevalent going to the shop and buying the goods without being counterproductive. In addition, in the technology era, numerous technological achievements were invented,thus, creating pervasive complex products is not harder anymore. Besides, with customers who are stuck for ideals, they refer to the brand of many authorities, by buying their products, they can merge those and create exclusive designs.

In conclusion, advertising solely inform the choices, people look the same because they have the same demand

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"serving the demands" -> "meeting the demands"
Explanation: "Serving the demands" is an awkward and unclear phrase. "Meeting the demands" is more precise and commonly used in formal contexts, accurately conveying the intended meaning of fulfilling consumer needs.
"by using the pervasive products" -> "through the widespread use of products"
Explanation: "By using the pervasive products" is awkward and unclear. "Through the widespread use of products" is more formal and clearly communicates the idea of products being widely used.
"people have had a profound impact on their individuality" -> "the pervasive use of products has significantly influenced their individuality"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and vague. The revised version corrects the grammar and clarifies the impact of product use on individuality.
"Personally, I totally disagree" -> "I strongly disagree"
Explanation: "Personally, I totally disagree" is informal and redundant. "I strongly disagree" is concise and maintains a formal tone suitable for academic writing.
"the core of advertising is showing the necessity, the convenience and the level of satisfaction to their customers" -> "the core of advertising lies in demonstrating the necessity, convenience, and level of satisfaction to customers"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the role of advertising in providing these aspects to customers.
"the market leaders don’t hasten people to buy their products" -> "market leaders do not coerce consumers into purchasing their products"
Explanation: "Hasten" is an unusual choice of word here and is not commonly used in this context. "Coerce" is more precise and appropriate for describing the influence of market leaders on consumer behavior.
"they solely catch the attention of individuals by demonstrating subjections and choices" -> "they primarily attract attention by showcasing options and choices"
Explanation: "Subjections" is incorrect and unclear. "Options" is the correct term, and "attract attention" is more appropriate than "catch the attention" in formal writing.
"people of different ages have different styles, but it’s inevitable that there will be people who have the same figure" -> "individuals of diverse ages exhibit distinct styles, yet it is inevitable that some individuals will share similar physical characteristics"
Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revision clarifies the statement and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.
"the less extravagant way is they have to be expert" -> "a less extravagant approach would be for them to become experts"
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning, improving the flow and formality of the text.
"they prevalent going to the shop and buying the goods without being counterproductive" -> "they often visit shops to purchase goods without being counterproductive"
Explanation: "Prevalent going" is grammatically incorrect. "Often visit" is grammatically correct and clearer, and "purchase goods" is more formal than "buy the goods."
"creating pervasive complex products is not harder anymore" -> "creating complex products is no longer challenging"
Explanation: "Pervasive" is incorrectly used here; "complex" is sufficient. "Is not harder anymore" is informal and vague; "is no longer challenging" is more precise and formal.
"customers who are stuck for ideals" -> "customers seeking ideal products"
Explanation: "Stuck for ideals" is unclear and informal. "Seeking ideal products" is clearer and more appropriate for formal writing.
"they can merge those and create exclusive designs" -> "they can combine these and create unique designs"
Explanation: "Merge those" is awkward and unclear. "Combine these" is grammatically correct and clearer, and "unique" is a more precise term than "exclusive" in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear stance that the author disagrees with the notion that advertising discourages individuality. However, the response could be more comprehensive in addressing the extent of agreement or disagreement. The essay mentions the impact of advertising on consumer behavior but does not sufficiently explore how advertising might promote conformity or individuality, which is a crucial part of the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should explicitly acknowledge the opposing viewpoint and provide a more balanced analysis. Including examples of how advertising can both encourage conformity and individuality would demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic and fulfill the requirement to discuss the extent of agreement or disagreement.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position of disagreement throughout, stating, "Personally, I totally disagree with this opinion." However, the argument could be more consistently reinforced with stronger topic sentences and clearer transitions between points. Some sections, particularly the second paragraph, become convoluted and may confuse the reader regarding the author’s position.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the author should use clear topic sentences that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph logically flows from one idea to the next will help maintain a consistent position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to advertising and consumer behavior, but these ideas are not always well-developed or supported with specific examples. For instance, the claim that "people of different ages have different styles" lacks elaboration on how this relates to the impact of advertising on individuality.
- How to improve: The author should aim to provide specific examples or case studies that illustrate the points being made. For instance, discussing a specific advertising campaign that promotes individuality or conformity could strengthen the argument. Additionally, elaborating on each point with more detailed explanations would enhance the overall depth of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the relationship between advertising and individuality. However, some sentences are somewhat tangential, such as the discussion on the effort and resources needed to create new products, which could distract from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central argument regarding the impact of advertising on individuality. It may be helpful to outline the essay before writing to ensure that all points are relevant and contribute to the overall argument.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, it would benefit from a more balanced exploration of the prompt, clearer organization, and stronger support for its ideas. By addressing these areas, the author can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance against the idea that advertising discourages individuality. However, the logical flow of ideas could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the role of advertising to the impact on individuality is somewhat abrupt. The first paragraph introduces the topic but does not clearly outline the main arguments that will follow, which would help the reader anticipate the structure of the essay. The second paragraph introduces multiple ideas about advertising’s role but lacks a clear connection to how these ideas specifically relate to individuality.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that directly relates to the thesis, followed by supporting details. Additionally, using transitional phrases between ideas can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, but the structure within those paragraphs can be improved. The first body paragraph discusses the nature of advertising but does not clearly connect to the impact on individuality. The second body paragraph introduces several new concepts without a clear focus, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. The conclusion is also weak, as it does not effectively summarize the main points or restate the thesis.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support that idea. Consider breaking down complex ideas into separate paragraphs. For example, one paragraph could focus on how advertising influences consumer choices, while another could discuss the implications for individuality. The conclusion should succinctly summarize the arguments made and reinforce the writer’s position.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "firstly" and "secondly," to indicate the progression of ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas are weak. For example, the phrase "in addition" is used, but the relationship between the ideas is not clearly articulated, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "however," "on the other hand," and "consequently." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to clarify the relationship between ideas. For instance, when introducing a contrasting idea, use "however" to signal a shift in perspective clearly. This will help create a more cohesive and coherent essay overall.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve greater clarity and coherence, potentially raising the band score for Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "consumer culture," "pervasive products," and "market leaders" showcasing some variety. However, the use of vocabulary is often repetitive and lacks the sophistication expected at higher band scores. For instance, the phrase "the same" appears multiple times, which detracts from the overall lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "the same," alternatives like "similar," "identical," or "uniform" could be utilized. Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to advertising and consumer behavior would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that could lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "the necessity, the convenience and the level of satisfaction to their customers" could be more clearly articulated. The term "subjections" is also incorrectly used; it seems the writer intended to convey "suggestions" or "subjections" in a different context.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately convey their intended meaning. Reviewing vocabulary in context and using a thesaurus can help identify more appropriate terms. Additionally, practicing writing sentences with new vocabulary can aid in understanding their correct usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "necessitate" (should be "necessitate"), "prevalent" (should be "prefer"), and "thus" (should be followed by a space). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, keeping a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial. Regularly engaging in vocabulary exercises can also help reinforce correct spelling.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic command of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. Focusing on these areas will not only enhance the lexical resource but also contribute to a higher overall band score in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "In consumer culture" and "Nevertheless, some people argue that" shows an attempt to introduce ideas with varied structures. However, the overall range is limited, and many sentences are either overly complex or awkwardly constructed, which can hinder clarity. For instance, "the less extravagant way is they have to be expert and spend time optimizing their products" is convoluted and could be simplified for better understanding.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice using different types of clauses (e.g., relative clauses, conditional clauses) and varying sentence lengths. Incorporating more transitional phrases can also help in creating smoother connections between ideas. For example, instead of saying "In addition," the writer could use "Furthermore" or "Moreover" to introduce additional points.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall quality. For example, the phrase "advertising soon becomes a prominent part of an individual’s life as serving the demands" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The use of "the necessity, the convenience and the level of satisfaction" lacks parallel structure, which can confuse readers. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas before conjunctions in compound sentences (e.g., "In other words, mostly people can not design by themselves, if they can, the less extravagant way is they have to be expert and spend time optimizing their products").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, sentence structure, and parallelism. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help identify common mistakes. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors, particularly in complex sentences, can enhance clarity. Utilizing tools like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers can also provide valuable insights into areas needing improvement.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and attempts to use varied structures, it falls short in both the range of grammatical structures and accuracy. By focusing on diversifying sentence types and improving grammatical correctness, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

In consumer culture, advertising soon becomes a prominent part of an individual’s life by meeting the demands of consumers. Nevertheless, some people argue that through the widespread use of products, individuals have been significantly influenced in terms of their individuality. Personally, I strongly disagree with this opinion for several reasons that I will elucidate in this essay.

Firstly, the core of advertising lies in demonstrating the necessity, convenience, and level of satisfaction to customers. Moreover, market leaders do not coerce consumers into purchasing their products; they primarily attract attention by showcasing options and choices. In fact, individuals of diverse ages exhibit distinct styles, yet it is inevitable that some individuals will share similar physical characteristics. Therefore, through their understanding of consumer desires, market leaders can create suitable products that satisfy a large number of users.

Secondly, creating a new brand or goods that meet consumer standards necessitates effort, time, and money. In other words, most people cannot design products by themselves. If they can, a less extravagant approach would be for them to become experts and spend time optimizing their designs. To simplify this process, they often visit shops to purchase goods without being counterproductive. Additionally, in this technological era, numerous advancements have been made, thus creating complex products is no longer challenging. Furthermore, customers seeking ideal products often turn to established brands; by purchasing these products, they can combine them and create unique designs.

In conclusion, advertising solely informs consumers of their choices. People may appear similar because they share the same demands, but this does not mean that their individuality is diminished.