Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us want to be look the same. To extent do you agree or disagree

In the modern life, advertising or entertainment is the popular way to contact the products with the community. Some people believe that advertising impact on the similarity of people lifestyles. This essay disagrees with this opinion as change of advertising industry and the using purpose of the community.

One of the primary reasons is that the transformation of the advertising. It is easy to see many advertising in the modern life towards the differentiation. They are the pioneer of many positive campaigns about the different and affect to each individual. Moreover, they a For example, some cosmetic companies, such as Unilever, have some advertising campaign about the protect the woman that is the victim of the body shaming. It has a profound impact on the community.

Another reason is that community is not dependent on adverting. People often purchase products based on the recommend of their friend and their family. Advertising in that way is just a way to give information about the products. Moreover, the purpose of using is depended on each individual.

In conclusion, I believe that apart from advertising is a based on the human effect and the change of the way of advertising.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In the modern life" -> "In modern life"
Explanation: Removing "the" before "modern life" corrects the grammatical error and aligns with the formal academic style by avoiding unnecessary articles when referring to general concepts.
"contact the products with the community" -> "connect with the community through products"
Explanation: "Contact the products with the community" is awkward and unclear. "Connect with the community through products" is more natural and precise, improving the flow and clarity of the sentence.
"Some people believe that advertising impact on the similarity of people lifestyles" -> "Some individuals believe that advertising affects the similarity of people’s lifestyles"
Explanation: "Impact" should be "affects" for grammatical correctness, and "people lifestyles" should be "people’s lifestyles" to use the possessive form correctly.
"This essay disagrees with this opinion" -> "This essay contests this view"
Explanation: "Disagrees with" is somewhat informal and vague; "contests this view" is more specific and academically appropriate.
"the using purpose of the community" -> "the purpose of community use"
Explanation: "The using purpose of the community" is awkward and unclear. "The purpose of community use" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"the transformation of the advertising" -> "the evolution of advertising"
Explanation: "Transformation" might imply a more dramatic change, whereas "evolution" suggests a gradual development, which is more accurate in this context.
"It is easy to see many advertising" -> "It is evident that there are numerous advertisements"
Explanation: "It is easy to see many advertising" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "It is evident that there are numerous advertisements" corrects these issues and enhances formality.
"the pioneer of many positive campaigns about the different and affect to each individual" -> "pioneers of various positive campaigns that affect each individual"
Explanation: "The pioneer of many positive campaigns about the different and affect to each individual" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revised version corrects these issues and improves clarity.
"some cosmetic companies, such as Unilever, have some advertising campaign" -> "some cosmetic companies, such as Unilever, have launched advertising campaigns"
Explanation: "Have some advertising campaign" is grammatically incorrect. "Have launched advertising campaigns" corrects this and adds specificity.
"It has a profound impact on the community" -> "This has a profound impact on the community"
Explanation: Adding "This" clarifies the subject of the sentence, making it more specific and formal.
"community is not dependent on adverting" -> "the community is not reliant on advertising"
Explanation: "Adverting" is a misspelling of "advertising." Also, "dependent" is less formal than "reliable," which is more suitable for academic writing.
"People often purchase products based on the recommend of their friend and their family" -> "Individuals often purchase products based on recommendations from friends and family"
Explanation: "Recommend of their friend and their family" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Recommendations from friends and family" corrects these issues and enhances formality.
"Advertising in that way is just a way to give information about the products" -> "Advertising in this manner serves primarily to provide information about products"
Explanation: "Advertising in that way is just a way to give information about the products" is repetitive and informal. "Advertising in this manner serves primarily to provide information about products" is more concise and formal.
"the purpose of using is depended on each individual" -> "the purpose of use is dependent on each individual"
Explanation: "The purpose of using is depended on each individual" is grammatically incorrect. "The purpose of use is dependent on each individual" corrects these errors and improves formality.
"apart from advertising is a based on the human effect" -> "apart from advertising, it is based on human impact"
Explanation: "Advertising is a based on the human effect" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Apart from advertising, it is based on human impact" corrects these issues and improves clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt regarding whether advertising discourages individuality by promoting sameness. However, it fails to fully engage with the question. The introduction suggests a disagreement with the statement, but the body paragraphs do not adequately explore the implications of this stance. For instance, while the essay mentions positive advertising campaigns, it does not sufficiently explain how these campaigns promote individuality or counteract the idea of sameness. Additionally, the conclusion does not clearly restate the position or summarize the arguments effectively.
- How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the essay should explicitly outline the reasons for disagreement with the prompt in the introduction. Each body paragraph should then focus on a specific aspect of how advertising can promote individuality, providing clear examples and explanations. A more robust conclusion that reiterates the main arguments and ties them back to the prompt would also enhance clarity.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position against the idea that advertising discourages individuality, but this stance is not consistently clear throughout the text. The phrasing in the introduction is somewhat convoluted, and the arguments presented in the body paragraphs do not consistently reinforce the main position. For example, the mention of advertising campaigns aimed at body positivity could be interpreted as a counterargument to the prompt, but it lacks a clear connection to the overall thesis.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and ensure that each subsequent paragraph directly supports this stance. Using clear topic sentences that reflect the main argument of each paragraph can help guide the reader and reinforce the position throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are underdeveloped and lack sufficient support. While the writer mentions positive advertising campaigns, there is little elaboration on how these campaigns specifically promote individuality. The examples provided are vague and do not effectively illustrate the points being made. For instance, the reference to Unilever’s campaigns is not sufficiently detailed to demonstrate its impact on societal views regarding individuality.
- How to improve: To enhance the development and support of ideas, the writer should provide more detailed examples and explanations. Each point made should be followed by specific evidence or analysis that connects back to the thesis. Expanding on how advertising campaigns influence societal norms or individual behavior would strengthen the argument significantly.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the main topic. While it begins with a focus on advertising’s impact on individuality, some parts, such as the discussion of community purchasing habits, seem tangential and do not directly address the prompt. This can confuse the reader about the main argument being presented.
- How to improve: To stay on topic, the writer should ensure that every sentence contributes to the central argument regarding advertising and individuality. It may be helpful to outline the essay before writing to ensure that all points are relevant and directly related to the prompt. Additionally, reviewing the essay after writing to check for relevance can help maintain focus.

In summary, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should aim to clearly address all parts of the prompt, maintain a consistent position, develop and support ideas more thoroughly, and stay focused on the topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas that are somewhat related to the topic, but the overall organization lacks clarity and logical progression. For instance, the introduction states a disagreement with the notion that advertising promotes uniformity, yet the reasons provided do not clearly support this stance. The first body paragraph discusses the transformation of advertising but fails to connect this transformation effectively to the argument against uniformity. The second body paragraph introduces the idea that community influences purchasing decisions but does not tie this back to the main argument about advertising’s role in promoting individuality.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly supports the thesis statement. A clear outline before writing can help organize thoughts. Each body paragraph should start with a topic sentence that directly relates to the main argument, followed by supporting details that reinforce this connection. For example, explicitly stating how positive advertising campaigns promote individuality at the start of the first body paragraph would clarify the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains paragraphs, but their structure is not effectively utilized. The introduction is vague, and the body paragraphs lack clear topic sentences and transitions. For instance, the transition between discussing the transformation of advertising and community influence is abrupt, which disrupts the flow of ideas. Additionally, the conclusion does not summarize the main points or restate the thesis clearly.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should have a clear focus and structure. The writer should begin each paragraph with a strong topic sentence that outlines the main idea. It is also beneficial to use transition words or phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "Conversely") to guide the reader through the argument. The conclusion should succinctly summarize the key arguments made in the essay and restate the writer’s position clearly.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices, which affects the overall coherence. Phrases like "Moreover" and "Another reason" are used, but there is a lack of variety and sophistication in the cohesive devices employed. Additionally, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. For example, the phrase "the using purpose of the community" is unclear and could confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases that indicate addition, contrast, and cause-effect relationships. For instance, using phrases such as "On the other hand," "As a result," or "In contrast" can help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, revising awkward phrases for clarity will enhance the overall readability of the essay. For example, rephrasing "the using purpose of the community" to "the ways in which the community utilizes advertising" would improve clarity.

Overall, while the essay presents an interesting perspective, addressing these areas will significantly enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary; however, it often relies on basic terms and phrases. For instance, the use of "modern life," "advertising," and "community" appears frequently without variation. While terms like "transformation" and "campaign" show some lexical variety, the overall vocabulary lacks sophistication and depth. The phrase "the similarity of people lifestyles" is awkward and could be expressed more effectively as "the homogeneity of lifestyles."
- How to improve: To enhance lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more advanced vocabulary. For example, instead of repeating "advertising," alternatives like "promotional strategies" or "marketing campaigns" could be used. Additionally, exploring more descriptive adjectives and adverbs could enrich the essay. Practicing with vocabulary lists related to common IELTS topics can also help expand word choice.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "the using purpose of the community" is vague and unclear. Furthermore, "impact on the similarity of people lifestyles" lacks clarity and precision. The term "differentiation" is used, but it is not clearly linked to the context of the discussion about advertising.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should ensure that vocabulary accurately reflects the intended meaning. For example, instead of "impact on the similarity," a more precise phrase could be "influence on the uniformity of lifestyles." Additionally, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that directly relates to the topic, ensuring that each term contributes meaningfully to the argument being made.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from the overall quality. Words like "adverting" (should be "advertising"), "recommend" (should be "recommendation"), and "the protect the woman" (should be "to protect women") indicate a lack of attention to detail. These errors can confuse readers and undermine the writer’s credibility.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as writing out vocabulary lists and using spelling games or apps. Additionally, proofreading the essay before submission can help catch and correct spelling mistakes. Reading more widely can also improve spelling through exposure to correctly spelled words in context.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt to use a variety of sentence structures, but it largely relies on simple and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "One of the primary reasons is that the transformation of the advertising" and "Another reason is that community is not dependent on advertising" are straightforward and lack complexity. The use of clauses is minimal, and there are instances where the structure is awkward or unclear, such as "the using purpose of the community."
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses, relative clauses, and varied sentence openings. For example, instead of saying "People often purchase products based on the recommend of their friend," the writer could say, "Although people often rely on recommendations from friends and family, advertising still plays a significant role in shaping consumer choices." This not only adds complexity but also improves clarity and engagement.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, "the popular way to contact the products with the community" should be revised to "the popular way to connect products with the community." Additionally, phrases like "the transformation of the advertising" are awkward; it would be more accurate to say "the transformation of advertising." There are also punctuation issues, such as missing commas that could help clarify meaning, particularly in longer sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, proper article usage, and the correct form of verbs. For instance, "the recommend of their friend" should be corrected to "the recommendations of their friends." Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on writing can help identify and correct these common errors. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly for complex sentences, will enhance clarity. For example, using commas to separate clauses can make sentences easier to read and understand.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear opinion, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly enhance the quality of the writing and potentially raise the band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In modern life, advertising serves as a popular means to connect products with the community. Some individuals believe that advertising affects the similarity of people’s lifestyles. This essay contests this view by examining the evolution of advertising and the purpose of community engagement.

One of the primary reasons is the transformation of the advertising industry. It is evident that there are numerous advertisements in modern life that promote differentiation. These advertisements are pioneers of various positive campaigns that celebrate individuality and impact each person. For example, some cosmetic companies, such as Unilever, have launched advertising campaigns aimed at protecting women who are victims of body shaming. This has a profound impact on the community.

Another reason is that the community is not reliant on advertising. Individuals often purchase products based on recommendations from friends and family. Advertising in this manner serves primarily to provide information about products. Moreover, the purpose of use is dependent on each individual.

In conclusion, I believe that apart from advertising, choices are based on human impact and the evolution of advertising itself.