An essay: Learning right and wrong In your English class you have been talking about right and wrong. Now, your English teacher has asked you to write an essay. Write your essay using all the notes and giving reasons for your point of view. ‘It’s very difficult for children to understand the difference between right and wrong behaviour.’ What do you think? Notes Write about: 1. the age of the child 2. learning from family 3. …………………… (your own idea) Write your answer in 140 – 190 words in an appropriate style.
An essay: Learning right and wrong
In your English class you have been talking about right and wrong. Now, your English teacher has asked you to write an essay.
Write your essay using all the notes and giving reasons for your point of view.
‘It’s very difficult for children to understand the difference between right and wrong behaviour.’
What do you think?
Notes
Write about:
1. the age of the child
2. learning from family
3. …………………… (your own idea)
Write your answer in 140 – 190 words in an appropriate style.
It is commonly perceived that children are not capable of distinguishing between wrong and right behaviour. However, why it is hard for them to get it right?
Supposing that it takes children time to form an understanding, there is this one reason: They are still too young. How they communicate is sometimes frustrating, such as screaming to get attention, which is a bad behaviour, yet it is a natural response to when being ignored. Nevertheless, children not only have their behaviour shown based on instinctive response, but also based on their parents.
As mentioned, parental influence also play a crucial role in forming moral understanding for children since they might subconsciously remember how their parents react to things and start to behave likewise without noticing. If it remains unchanged until they grow up, they will be likely to misbehave more than those who actively learn to behave with guidance.
Furthermore, children nowadays stand a good chance of learning, hence, through Arts and Literature, their understanding about behaviour can become more distinct.
In conclusion, it needs both children and parents to work together in order to achieve that understanding.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"It is commonly perceived" -> "It is widely acknowledged"
Explanation: "It is widely acknowledged" is a more precise and formal expression that enhances the academic tone of the sentence. -
"not capable of distinguishing" -> "incapable of distinguishing"
Explanation: "Incapable" is a more direct and formal term than "not capable," which is slightly less formal and more conversational. -
"get it right" -> "comprehend the distinction"
Explanation: "Get it right" is an informal idiom; "comprehend the distinction" is more formal and precise, suitable for academic writing. -
"Supposing that" -> "Assuming that"
Explanation: "Assuming that" is a more formal and academic way to introduce hypothetical situations in formal writing. -
"They are still too young" -> "They are still immature"
Explanation: "Immature" is a more precise term in this context, indicating a lack of development in moral understanding, which is more specific than "too young." -
"How they communicate is sometimes frustrating" -> "Their communication methods can be frustrating"
Explanation: "Their communication methods can be frustrating" is more formal and avoids the colloquial tone of "How they communicate is sometimes frustrating." -
"which is a bad behaviour" -> "which constitutes undesirable behavior"
Explanation: "Constitutes undesirable behavior" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "bad behavior." -
"natural response to when being ignored" -> "natural response to being ignored"
Explanation: Removing "when" improves the grammatical structure and formality of the sentence. -
"not only have their behaviour shown based on instinctive response" -> "not only exhibit behavior based on instinctive responses"
Explanation: "Exhibit behavior" is more formal than "have their behavior shown," and "responses" is plural to match the context. -
"play a crucial role" -> "play a significant role"
Explanation: "Significant" is a more precise and formal term than "crucial" in this context, fitting better in academic writing. -
"might subconsciously remember" -> "may subconsciously recall"
Explanation: "May" is a more formal alternative to "might," and "recall" is a more precise verb than "remember" in this context. -
"start to behave likewise" -> "begin to emulate"
Explanation: "Emulate" is a more precise and formal term than "behave likewise," which is somewhat informal. -
"stand a good chance of learning" -> "have a good opportunity to learn"
Explanation: "Have a good opportunity to learn" is more formal and academically appropriate than "stand a good chance of learning." -
"their understanding about behaviour" -> "their understanding of behavior"
Explanation: "Of" is the correct preposition to use before "behavior" in this context, enhancing grammatical correctness. -
"needs both children and parents to work together" -> "requires collaboration between children and parents"
Explanation: "Requires collaboration" is a more formal and precise expression than "needs to work together," which is somewhat informal and vague.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the difficulty children face in understanding right from wrong. However, it only partially covers the required points. The essay mentions the age of the child and the influence of family, but it lacks a third idea that is supposed to be included based on the prompt. The response does not fully explore how these factors contribute to a child’s moral understanding, which is essential for a comprehensive answer.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that all parts of the prompt are addressed. This includes explicitly stating and developing a third point, which could relate to societal influences, education, or peer interactions. Each point should be clearly linked back to the main argument about the difficulty children face in discerning right from wrong.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that children struggle to understand right from wrong, but this position is not consistently maintained throughout the text. The introduction poses a question that could confuse the reader about the writer’s stance. Additionally, the conclusion, while summarizing the need for collaboration between children and parents, does not reinforce the main argument effectively.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should start with a definitive statement in the introduction that clearly outlines their viewpoint. Throughout the essay, they should consistently refer back to this position when discussing each point. The conclusion should also restate the main argument and summarize how the discussed factors contribute to the difficulty children face.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the influence of parental behavior and the age of the child, but these ideas are not fully developed or supported with examples. For instance, the mention of children learning from arts and literature is vague and lacks specific examples or explanations that would strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should provide specific examples or scenarios that illustrate how children learn right from wrong. Each point should be elaborated with clear explanations and relevant examples that connect back to the main argument. This will help to create a more robust and persuasive essay.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the challenges children face in understanding right and wrong. However, some parts, such as the mention of "screaming to get attention," could be seen as slightly off-topic or not directly relevant to the main argument about moral understanding. This can detract from the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every sentence directly relates to the main argument. They can achieve this by regularly referring back to the prompt and ensuring that all examples and explanations support the central thesis. It may also help to outline the essay before writing to ensure that all points are relevant and contribute to the overall argument.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the difficulty children face in distinguishing right from wrong. The introduction sets the stage by questioning the ability of children to understand these concepts. The body paragraphs logically follow, discussing the age of the child and the influence of parental guidance. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing age-related challenges to parental influence feels abrupt, which may confuse readers about the connection between these points.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For example, after discussing the age of the child, a sentence like, "In addition to age, parental influence plays a significant role," would help bridge the two concepts more effectively. Structuring the essay with clear topic sentences for each paragraph can also guide the reader through the argument more seamlessly.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which is a strength. However, the first paragraph could be more focused. It combines a question with an assertion, which might confuse readers about the main point. The second paragraph effectively discusses parental influence but could benefit from clearer separation from the previous point. The conclusion is concise but could reiterate the main points more strongly to reinforce the argument.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and is focused on that idea. For example, the first paragraph could be revised to clearly state the thesis without posing a question. Each subsequent paragraph should start with a topic sentence that outlines what will be discussed. Additionally, the conclusion should summarize the key arguments made in the body paragraphs to reinforce the overall message.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "as mentioned," and "furthermore," which help in connecting ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some transitions feel forced or awkward. For instance, "as mentioned" could be replaced with a more fluid transition that reinforces the connection to the previous point.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeating "as mentioned," you could use "this highlights" or "this underscores." Additionally, using pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can enhance cohesion. For example, instead of repeating "children," you could use "they" in subsequent references to maintain flow.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it tends to rely on common phrases and lacks more sophisticated or varied expressions. For example, terms like "wrong and right behaviour" and "bad behaviour" are used repetitively without variation. While the phrase "parental influence" is a good choice, the overall vocabulary could be more diverse to enhance the essay’s depth.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more complex phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "bad behaviour," alternatives like "undesirable conduct" or "inappropriate actions" could be used. Additionally, exploring terms related to moral development, such as "ethical understanding" or "moral compass," would enrich the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "how they communicate is sometimes frustrating" could be misleading, as it suggests that the communication itself is frustrating rather than the behavior exhibited. The use of "get it right" is also informal and vague in this context.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. Instead of "get it right," a more precise phrase like "develop an accurate understanding" could be used. Furthermore, clarifying phrases like "they are still too young" to specify the developmental stages of children would provide greater clarity.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays good spelling, but there are minor errors that detract from the overall quality. For example, "behaviour" is spelled correctly in British English, but the phrase "parental influence also play" should be "parental influence also plays," indicating a subject-verb agreement error.
- How to improve: To improve spelling and grammatical accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or grammar checking software can help identify errors. Additionally, practicing writing with a focus on subject-verb agreement and other grammatical rules will enhance overall writing accuracy.
In summary, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, there is significant room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying word choice, ensuring precise usage, and carefully proofreading, the writer can enhance their lexical resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of complex sentences ("If it remains unchanged until they grow up, they will be likely to misbehave more than those who actively learn to behave with guidance.") and simple sentences ("It is commonly perceived that children are not capable of distinguishing between wrong and right behaviour."). However, the range is somewhat limited, and there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "there is this one reason" and "how they communicate is sometimes frustrating." These phrases detract from the overall clarity and sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more compound-complex sentences and use different introductory phrases. For example, instead of starting sentences with "there is" or "as mentioned," the writer could use participial phrases or adverbial clauses to create more dynamic openings. Additionally, varying the length of sentences can add rhythm to the writing, making it more engaging.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, "parental influence also play a crucial role" should be "parental influence also plays a crucial role," indicating subject-verb agreement. Additionally, there are missing commas that could clarify meaning, such as before "yet" in "which is a bad behaviour, yet it is a natural response." The use of "bad behaviour" should be corrected to "bad behavior" for consistency with standard English spelling.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review subject-verb agreement rules and ensure that singular subjects are paired with singular verbs. Practicing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in compound sentences and before conjunctions, will also enhance clarity. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases and grammatical errors, allowing for revisions that improve overall accuracy.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of grammatical structures, there is room for improvement in both the range of sentence structures and the accuracy of grammar and punctuation. By focusing on these areas, the writer can elevate their writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is commonly perceived that children are not capable of distinguishing between right and wrong behavior. However, why is it hard for them to comprehend the distinction?
Assuming that it takes children time to form an understanding, there is one reason: They are still too young. Their communication methods can be frustrating, such as screaming to get attention, which constitutes undesirable behavior, yet it is a natural response to being ignored. Nevertheless, children not only exhibit behavior based on instinctive responses but also based on their parents.
As mentioned, parental influence also plays a crucial role in forming moral understanding for children since they may subconsciously recall how their parents react to situations and begin to emulate that behavior without noticing. If this remains unchanged until they grow up, they will be likely to misbehave more than those who actively learn to behave with guidance.
Furthermore, children nowadays have a good opportunity to learn; hence, through Arts and Literature, their understanding of behavior can become more distinct.
In conclusion, it requires collaboration between children and parents to achieve that understanding.
