Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible.
Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
With the bloom of technology, there has been an increasingly widespread concern about more and more adults working from home and children studying from home. In my view, this trend does more harm than good because its impact on social interaction and health problems.
It is true that, advanced technology allows people complete every mission without moving out of the house, from dealing with work to finishing school tasks. However, staying at home for a long time may lead to limited social interaction. Adults do not have colleagues to socialise at workplace, children have no friends to play during breaks, which gradually leads to weakened sense of community. People may become less confident when contacting face-to-face due to lack of communication skills. This is even worse for children, who are at a very young age, because they normally seek for attentions from peers, teachers and family members. Having less opportunities to socialise may put children at risk of burnout.
Another reason why this issue should be disapproved is because of its long-term impact on well-being. Working and studying from home requires people to sit in front of screens for long hours. As a result, technology users are likely to suffer from illnesses. In fact, scientifiv evidences always emphasize the importance of limiting screen time due to their negative effects on eyes and back. In particular, artificial lights from electrical devices may determine the eye vision if being used for a long time, and being inactive when using technology may worsen back problems.
Those who habour the view that working and studying from home is an inevitable trend and should be encouraged state that it allows them to have freedom to work and study at their own speed. Yet, commitment and sense of responsiblity is a key if someone wants to achieve the goal by handling job from home. In case of children, their positive attitude and parent's supervisions are crucial.
In conclusion, while we acknowledge the essential part of technology and the convenience it offers people. Working from home and studying from home should not be overestimated without considering their potential challenges.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"With the bloom of technology" -> "With the advent of technology"
Explanation: Replacing "bloom" with "advent" is more formal and appropriate for an academic context. "Bloom" suggests a more informal or metaphorical tone.
"this trend does more harm than good" -> "this trend has more drawbacks than benefits"
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat colloquial. Using "drawbacks" and "benefits" provides a more academic and formal tone.
"advanced technology allows people complete every mission" -> "advanced technology enables individuals to accomplish various tasks"
Explanation: The phrase "complete every mission" is too informal. Using "accomplish various tasks" is more precise and formal.
"stay at home for a long time" -> "remain at home for extended periods"
Explanation: "Stay" is a common word that can be replaced with "remain" to sound more formal.
"socialise at workplace" -> "engage in social interactions at the workplace"
Explanation: "Socialise" is a less formal term, while "engage in social interactions" is more suitable for an academic tone.
"have no friends to play during breaks" -> "lack opportunities for socializing with friends during breaks"
Explanation: The revised phrase is more formal and specifies the situation more clearly.
"which gradually leads to weakened sense of community" -> "resulting in a gradual erosion of community bonds"
Explanation: The revised phrase uses more formal language and conveys the idea of a decline in community bonds more precisely.
"People may become less confident" -> "Individuals may experience a decrease in self-confidence"
Explanation: The replacement uses a more formal expression of the same idea.
"attentions from peers, teachers, and family members" -> "attention from peers, educators, and family members"
Explanation: "Attentions" should be singular, and using "educators" instead of "teachers" is more formal.
"put children at risk of burnout" -> "expose children to the risk of burnout"
Explanation: The revised phrase is more formal and maintains clarity.
"long-term impact on well-being" -> "long-lasting effects on health and well-being"
Explanation: The term "impact" is replaced with a more formal and comprehensive phrase.
"screen time due to their negative effects on eyes and back" -> "excessive screen time due to its adverse effects on vision and posture"
Explanation: This change enhances clarity and replaces the plural "their" with the singular "its" for agreement.
"determine the eye vision" -> "affect visual health"
Explanation: "Determine the eye vision" is awkward; the revised phrase is clearer and more formal.
"worsen back problems" -> "aggravate spinal issues"
Explanation: "Worsen" is replaced with a more formal and specific term.
"habour the view" -> "hold the view"
Explanation: "Habour" is an incorrect usage; "hold" is more appropriate for expressing one’s viewpoint.
"commitment and sense of responsiblity" -> "commitment and a sense of responsibility"
Explanation: Added the article "a" for proper grammar and formality.
"achieving the goal by handling job from home" -> "attaining their objectives through remote work"
Explanation: The revised phrase is more formal and precise.
"should not be overestimated without considering their potential challenges" -> "should not be overly praised without taking into account their associated challenges"
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat informal. The revised version maintains formality while conveying the same meaning.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses all parts of the question by discussing whether the trend of adults working from home and children studying from home is a positive or negative development. It provides reasons for the answer and includes relevant examples.
- How to improve: The essay could improve by providing more specific examples and expanding on the reasons provided to make the argument even more convincing.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position throughout. It consistently argues that the trend does more harm than good due to its impact on social interaction and health.
- How to improve: To further improve, the essay could reinforce the clarity of the position by explicitly stating it in the introduction and conclusion.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about limited social interaction and health problems and supports them with examples and explanations. For instance, it discusses how adults may become less confident in face-to-face communication and how children may be at risk of burnout.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay could provide even more specific examples and statistics to bolster the arguments and make them more compelling.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing the impact of adults working from home and children studying from home. However, there are some minor deviations, such as briefly mentioning the importance of commitment and sense of responsibility.
- How to improve: To stay more focused, the essay should avoid introducing tangential points that do not directly relate to the main argument.
Overall, this essay has performed well in addressing the task response criteria. It provides a clear position, supports it with relevant ideas and examples, and addresses all parts of the question. To further improve, it should aim for more specific examples and avoid minor deviations from the main topic.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. It presents arguments against adults working and children studying from home in a structured manner. However, there is room for improvement in terms of the essay’s logical flow. The transition between the two main points (social interaction and health problems) could be smoother to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, you could use phrases like "Furthermore," or "Moreover" to introduce additional points and create a smoother transition between the two main arguments.
- Detailed explanation: The essay does use paragraphs effectively, creating clear separations between the introduction, body, and conclusion. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further development and focus on specific sub-points. For instance, the paragraph discussing limited social interaction and communication skills could be split into two paragraphs to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each sub-point.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down larger paragraphs into smaller ones to maintain focus and clarity. Each paragraph should ideally cover a single main idea or sub-point, supported by evidence or examples.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices to a reasonable extent. There are instances of cohesive devices like "It is true that," "However," "Another reason why," and "In conclusion" that help connect ideas and create coherence. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the types of cohesive devices used for a more sophisticated and cohesive essay.
- How to improve: Expand your repertoire of cohesive devices by incorporating a variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, you can use "On the contrary," "Additionally," "Nevertheless," or "Furthermore" to add variety and improve the overall flow of the essay.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, earning a Band Score of 7. To enhance this score further, work on creating smoother transitions between ideas, breaking down larger paragraphs into smaller ones for clarity, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices to create a more sophisticated essay. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph is well-structured with a clear topic sentence and supporting details.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While it includes some variety in word choice, there is room for improvement. For instance, the essay frequently uses common words such as "technology," "home," and "people." These repetitive word choices limit the essay’s lexical richness. There is a need for more diverse and sophisticated vocabulary to enhance the overall quality of the essay.
- How to improve: To expand vocabulary, consider using synonyms and exploring more precise terminology. For example, instead of repeatedly using "technology," you can use terms like "digital advancements," "innovations," or "electronic devices." Varying your word choice will make your essay more engaging and demonstrate a broader lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with moderate precision, but there are instances where word choice could be more accurate. For instance, the phrase "limited social interaction" could be more precisely described as "restricted interpersonal communication." Similarly, the phrase "burnout" could be more accurately replaced with "psychological fatigue" or "emotional exhaustion." These improvements would enhance the essay’s clarity and precision.
- How to improve: To use vocabulary more precisely, pay careful attention to the context in which words are used. Consider consulting a thesaurus or specific terminology related to the topic to find more accurate and nuanced expressions. This will help convey your ideas more effectively.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally good, with very few spelling errors. However, it’s important to note one error: "scientifiv" should be corrected to "scientific." This minor error doesn’t significantly impact the essay’s readability, but maintaining consistent spelling accuracy is essential for a higher score.
- How to improve: To ensure correct spelling, consider using spelling and grammar checkers while writing. Additionally, proofreading your work carefully before submission can help catch and correct any spelling errors.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates reasonable lexical resource skills, there is room for improvement in vocabulary variety, precision, and maintaining consistent spelling accuracy. By expanding your vocabulary, using words more precisely, and double-checking for spelling errors, you can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay primarily employs simple and compound sentence structures. There is limited variation in sentence types, and this affects the overall richness of expression. For example, sentences like "With the bloom of technology, there has been an increasingly widespread concern about more and more adults working from home and children studying from home" are straightforward and lack complexity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating complex and compound-complex sentences. You can achieve this by adding dependent clauses, using transitional phrases, or varying the sentence length. This will enhance the overall fluency and sophistication of your writing.
Use Grammar Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good grammatical accuracy, but there are instances where errors or awkward phrasings occur. For example, "scientifiv evidences" should be "scientific evidence," and "habour" should be "harbor." Additionally, the sentence, "In case of children, their positive attitude and parent’s supervisions are crucial," lacks agreement between "parent’s" and "supervisions."
- How to improve: Proofread your essay carefully to catch such errors. Consider seeking assistance from a grammar-checking tool or a peer for additional feedback. Be especially attentive to subject-verb agreement and singular/plural consistency.
Use Correct Punctuation:
- Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are a few minor issues. For example, the comma in "With the bloom of technology, there has been an increasingly widespread concern" is not necessary. Inconsistencies exist in the usage of spaces after commas, with some being followed by a space and others not.
- How to improve: Review the rules of punctuation, paying attention to the correct usage of commas, periods, and spaces after punctuation marks. Consistency in punctuation style throughout the essay is crucial for readability and clarity.
Overall, your essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation but could benefit from greater sentence structure variety and more careful proofreading to eliminate minor errors. These improvements can enhance the overall clarity and sophistication of your writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
With the advent of technology, there has been a significant increase in the number of adults working from home and children studying from home. In my opinion, this trend has more drawbacks than benefits, primarily due to its impact on social interaction and health issues.
It is undeniable that advanced technology enables individuals to accomplish various tasks without leaving their homes, whether it be handling work responsibilities or completing school assignments. However, remaining at home for extended periods can result in limited social interaction. Adults no longer have colleagues with whom to socialize at the workplace, and children have fewer opportunities to engage in social interactions with friends during breaks. This gradual erosion of community bonds can lead to decreased self-confidence, especially in face-to-face interactions. This effect is even more pronounced in children, who naturally seek attention and validation from their peers, educators, and family members. Reduced opportunities for socialization may expose children to the risk of burnout.
Another reason to view this development negatively is its potential long-lasting effects on health and well-being. Working and studying from home often entail prolonged periods of sitting in front of screens. Consequently, individuals who rely on technology for these purposes may experience adverse health effects. Scientific evidence consistently underscores the importance of limiting screen time due to its detrimental impact on vision and posture. Prolonged exposure to artificial lights emitted by electronic devices can have negative consequences on eye health, while extended periods of inactivity while using technology can exacerbate spinal issues.
Some may argue that working and studying from home offer the advantage of flexibility and the ability to work or study at one’s own pace. However, it is essential to recognize that achieving objectives through remote work requires a significant level of commitment and a sense of responsibility. Similarly, in the case of children, a positive attitude towards learning and active parental supervision are crucial factors for success.
In conclusion, while we acknowledge the essential role of technology and the convenience it offers, it is important not to overly praise the concept of working and studying from home without taking into account the associated challenges. The potential negative impacts on social interaction and health should not be underestimated.