Art and music classes should not be mandatory at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Art and music classes should not be mandatory at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is a common belief that many parents refuse that art and music should be compulsory subjects in class. However, I firmly believe that students need to learn about art and music to improve their skills. This is because every subject brings benefits to students that improve knowledge and help them to learn valuable skills.
To begin with, art and music will create a mindset about the artistic. Because these subjects will be learned about piano, guitar or drawing about student’s ideas. It is useful to relieve stress after time-classes. Moreover, using the artistic mindset that students not only have many new skills but improve knowledge about composers or artists. According to a recent survey, music or art subjects have a possibility that students will relax and have many motivations to learn other subjects. Therefore, art and music will improve mindset or help them to relax after day-stress.
On top of that, if students learn about music and art, it will increase many opportunities for jobs. It is true that many universities allow students to use music and art to apply for university through a major related to it. In addition, nowadays many countries around the world use art and music for many purposes such as singing or architecture. Therefore, the unemployment rate will decrease if art and music create good conditions for students to improve their aptitude.
To sum up, art and music have an important role for students to utilize the mindset or create opportunity jobs. For these reasons, it is clear that music and art should be used in another class to help them to have many skills and improve their personality development.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"many parents refuse that art and music should be compulsory subjects" -> "many parents oppose the inclusion of art and music as compulsory subjects"
Explanation: The term "refuse" is too strong and informal in this context. "Oppose" is a more appropriate and formal term for expressing disagreement. Additionally, restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality enhances its academic tone. -
"This is because every subject brings benefits to students that improve knowledge and help them to learn valuable skills." -> "This is because every subject confers benefits upon students, enhancing their knowledge and aiding in the acquisition of valuable skills."
Explanation: The original sentence lacks precision and uses informal language. Replacing "brings benefits" with "confers benefits upon" and restructuring the sentence improves clarity and formality. -
"will create a mindset about the artistic" -> "will cultivate an appreciation for the arts"
Explanation: "Create a mindset about the artistic" is awkward and lacks clarity. "Cultivate an appreciation for the arts" is a more concise and academically appropriate phrase that conveys the intended meaning effectively. -
"Because these subjects will be learned about piano, guitar or drawing about student’s ideas." -> "As students engage with activities such as playing the piano, guitar, or engaging in drawing exercises that express their own ideas."
Explanation: The original sentence is fragmented and lacks clarity. Restructuring it to specify the activities involved and their purpose enhances readability and academic tone. -
"According to a recent survey, music or art subjects have a possibility that students will relax and have many motivations to learn other subjects." -> "According to a recent survey, the study of music or art has been shown to promote relaxation and enhance students’ motivation to engage with other subjects."
Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and lacks clarity. By restructuring it and specifying the benefits of studying music or art, the revised version improves readability and academic tone. -
"Therefore, art and music will improve mindset or help them to relax after day-stress." -> "Therefore, art and music can enhance cognitive abilities and aid in stress relief after a long day of classes."
Explanation: The phrase "improve mindset" is vague and lacks specificity. Replacing it with "enhance cognitive abilities" provides a clearer and more precise description. Additionally, the revised sentence improves clarity and formal tone. -
"On top of that" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "On top of that" is an informal expression, while "Furthermore" is more suitable for academic writing and maintains coherence within the paragraph. -
"it will increase many opportunities for jobs" -> "it will create numerous job opportunities"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks precision. "Create numerous job opportunities" is a clearer and more concise alternative that enhances the formal tone of the sentence. -
"many countries around the world use art and music for many purposes" -> "many countries worldwide utilize art and music for various purposes"
Explanation: The repetition of "many" and "many purposes" makes the sentence redundant and lacks precision. Using "utilize" instead of "use" and "various purposes" instead of "many purposes" improves clarity and formality. -
"For these reasons" -> "In conclusion"
Explanation: "For these reasons" is overly simplistic and lacks the formal tone expected in academic writing. "In conclusion" is a more appropriate transition phrase that signals the end of the essay.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by expressing a clear opinion that art and music classes should be mandatory in schools. However, the response lacks depth in addressing all aspects of the question. While it acknowledges the opposing viewpoint briefly, it doesn’t fully explore the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement.
- How to improve: To improve, the author should provide a more nuanced analysis of both sides of the argument. Explaining why they strongly believe in the necessity of art and music education while acknowledging counterarguments would enhance the comprehensiveness of the response.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position in support of making art and music classes mandatory. The stance is evident from the introduction through to the conclusion.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, the essay could benefit from further reinforcing this stance by providing stronger and more varied supporting arguments. This would strengthen the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the benefits of art and music education, such as stress relief, skill development, and job opportunities. However, these ideas lack depth and coherence. Examples provided are limited and not well-elaborated.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation of ideas, the author should provide specific examples and evidence to support each point. Additionally, expanding on each idea with more detailed explanations and relevant examples would improve clarity and coherence.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by discussing the importance of art and music education in schools. However, there are instances where the discussion veers slightly off topic, such as the brief mention of universities and job opportunities without directly linking them back to the mandatory nature of these classes.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all points made directly relate to the central argument of whether art and music classes should be mandatory. Any tangential discussions should be clearly connected back to the main topic to avoid detracting from the coherence of the essay.
Overall, while the essay effectively presents a clear stance in favor of mandatory art and music classes, there is room for improvement in addressing all parts of the question, providing more substantial supporting ideas, and ensuring coherence and relevance throughout the essay. Strengthening these areas would elevate the essay to a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a somewhat logical organization, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are instances where the flow of ideas could be improved for better coherence. For example, the transition between the second and third paragraphs feels abrupt, as the discussion shifts from stress relief to job opportunities without a clear connection.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs by using transitional phrases or sentences. Additionally, consider restructuring the essay to follow a more cohesive progression of ideas. For instance, discuss stress relief and job opportunities in separate paragraphs to maintain clarity and coherence.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs to separate different ideas, but the effectiveness is limited. Some paragraphs lack clear topic sentences, making it challenging for readers to discern the main point of each paragraph. Additionally, the development within paragraphs is uneven, with some ideas being underdeveloped.
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on developing one specific point coherently. Consider revising paragraphs to provide more thorough explanations and examples to support the main arguments.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay attempts to use cohesive devices to connect ideas, the variety and effectiveness are limited. Some cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, are used sporadically or incorrectly, resulting in disjointed connections between sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices throughout the essay to improve coherence and cohesion. Incorporate a variety of transition words and phrases (e.g., "furthermore," "on the other hand," "in addition") to establish clear relationships between ideas. Ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to maintain the flow of the essay and guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates some understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, there is room for improvement in organizing information logically, using paragraphs effectively, and employing a wider range of cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the essay can enhance its coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a stronger overall argument and a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
- Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly good range of vocabulary, incorporating words and phrases like "mandatory," "firmly believe," "subjects," "relieve stress," "composers," "unemployment rate," and "personality development." However, some vocabulary choices could be more precise and varied to enhance the depth and sophistication of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enrich your vocabulary, consider using synonyms or more specific terms where applicable. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "subjects," you might use alternatives like "disciplines," "fields," or "areas of study." Additionally, integrating domain-specific terminology related to art and music could enhance the depth of your arguments.
- Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally communicates ideas effectively, there are instances where vocabulary could be used more precisely. For example, the phrase "create a mindset about the artistic" could be clarified to convey a clearer meaning. Additionally, phrases like "create opportunity jobs" could be more precise, perhaps by using terms like "generate employment opportunities."
- How to improve: Aim for clarity and specificity in your word choice. When expressing complex ideas, ensure that your vocabulary accurately reflects your intended meaning. Consider using a thesaurus or consulting authoritative sources to find more precise alternatives for general terms.
- Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally maintained throughout the essay, with minor errors such as "many parents refuse that art and music should be compulsory subjects in class" (consider revising to "many parents argue against the compulsory inclusion of art and music in the curriculum"). However, there are some instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that could detract from the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy and overall writing quality, proofread your work carefully before submission. Consider using spelling and grammar checking tools, and practice writing regularly to reinforce correct usage and sentence structure.
Overall, while your essay demonstrates a commendable level of lexical resource, there are opportunities for improvement in terms of vocabulary variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating more diverse and precise vocabulary, refining your word choice for clarity, and maintaining meticulous attention to spelling and grammar, you can further enhance the effectiveness and sophistication of your writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to utilize various sentence structures, albeit with some limitations. There’s a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences throughout the essay. For instance, simple sentences like "It is a common belief that many parents refuse that art and music should be compulsory subjects in class" are employed alongside more complex structures such as "Moreover, using the artistic mindset that students not only have many new skills but improve knowledge about composers or artists."
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, strive for more variety by incorporating complex sentences with subordinate clauses, relative clauses, and participial phrases. This can enrich the expression of ideas and make the essay more engaging. Additionally, ensure that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smooth to improve coherence and cohesion.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate level of grammatical accuracy, with occasional errors in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and tense consistency. For instance, "many parents refuse that art and music should be compulsory subjects" should be revised to "many parents argue against making art and music compulsory subjects." Furthermore, there are punctuation errors such as missing commas before introductory phrases ("Moreover, using the artistic mindset") and inconsistent capitalization ("According to a recent survey, music or art subjects").
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct errors in subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and article usage. Additionally, pay attention to punctuation rules, ensuring proper placement of commas, periods, and capitalization. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and correct mistakes effectively. Moreover, practicing writing with a focus on grammar and punctuation can significantly improve accuracy over time.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is a common belief that many parents oppose the inclusion of art and music as compulsory subjects in school. However, I firmly believe that students need to learn about art and music to improve their skills. This is because every subject confers benefits upon students, enhancing their knowledge and aiding in the acquisition of valuable skills.
To begin with, art and music will cultivate an appreciation for the arts. As students engage with activities such as playing the piano, guitar, or engaging in drawing exercises that express their own ideas, they develop an artistic mindset. It is useful for relieving stress after classes. Moreover, by embracing this artistic mindset, students not only gain new skills but also enhance their knowledge about composers or artists. According to a recent survey, the study of music or art has been shown to promote relaxation and enhance students’ motivation to engage with other subjects. Therefore, art and music can enhance cognitive abilities and aid in stress relief after a long day of classes.
Furthermore, it will create numerous job opportunities. Many universities allow students to use music and art to apply for majors related to these subjects. Moreover, many countries worldwide utilize art and music for various purposes, such as singing or architecture. Therefore, embracing art and music in education can contribute to decreasing the unemployment rate by providing students with opportunities to improve their aptitude.
In conclusion, art and music play an important role in enhancing students’ skills and creating job opportunities. For these reasons, it is clear that music and art should be integrated into the curriculum to help students develop a wide range of skills and foster their personal growth.
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