As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. Do you agree or disagree?

Although the ultimate goal of many companies is to maximize their profits, businessmen also have social responsibilities. I firmly agree with this school of thought due to several significant reasons that are explained in this essay.
There are some compelling reasons why making money plays a crucial role in an organization's aim. Initally, many enterprises need a huge sum of money to maintain and survive in the competitive world, helping them grow a business and gain a competitive edge. Furthermore, if companies can maximize their profits as much as possible, they can pay more taxes for the government's budget. Hence, the authorities can put more resources into the community, including hospitals, schools, and houses. Therefore, money-making pursuits do seem justifiable.
Most organizations should be encouraged to have an obligation to society. They have to take action on global warming caused by discharging chemical waste into rivers, leading to the death of many fish and other aquatic animals. A good example of this is that they have implemented new methods to cut down on emissions from industrial processes. On top of that, enterprises should be willing to make a great contribution to the community through charity and financial scholarships as a way to enhance their public image and gain the trust of customers. This is particularly the case for Unilever and Vinamilk which donate a huge sum of money annually to disadvantaged children in the highlands.
In conclusion, I would emphasize that while making profits is the top priority of businesses, social obligations should also be considered an important aspect.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"businessmen" -> "business leaders"
Explanation: The term "businessmen" is somewhat outdated and gender-specific. "Business leaders" is more inclusive and appropriate for formal academic writing, encompassing both men and women in leadership positions.
"I firmly agree with this school of thought" -> "I concur with this perspective"
Explanation: "Concur" is a more formal synonym for "agree," and "perspective" is a more precise term than "school of thought," which can be vague and colloquial.
"Initally" -> "Initially"
Explanation: "Initally" is a typographical error. The correct spelling is "Initially."
"a huge sum of money" -> "substantial funds"
Explanation: "A huge sum of money" is somewhat informal and vague. "Substantial funds" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"helping them grow a business" -> "enabling them to expand their business"
Explanation: "Helping them grow a business" is informal and imprecise. "Enabling them to expand their business" is more formal and specific.
"as much as possible" -> "to the maximum extent possible"
Explanation: "As much as possible" is somewhat informal and vague. "To the maximum extent possible" is more formal and precise.
"put more resources into the community" -> "allocate more resources to the community"
Explanation: "Put more resources into" is informal and imprecise. "Allocate more resources to" is more formal and specific, fitting the context of budgeting and financial management.
"do seem justifiable" -> "appear justified"
Explanation: "Do seem justifiable" is a passive and informal construction. "Appear justified" is more direct and formal.
"have to take action on global warming" -> "must address global warming"
Explanation: "Have to take action on" is informal and slightly awkward. "Must address" is more direct and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"cut down on emissions" -> "reduce emissions"
Explanation: "Cut down on" is an idiom that is too informal for academic writing. "Reduce" is a straightforward and formal term.
"On top of that" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "On top of that" is an informal phrase. "Furthermore" is a formal transitional phrase that enhances the academic tone.
"make a great contribution" -> "make significant contributions"
Explanation: "Make a great contribution" is somewhat informal and vague. "Make significant contributions" is more precise and formal.
"donate a huge sum of money" -> "contribute substantial funds"
Explanation: "Donate a huge sum of money" is informal and imprecise. "Contribute substantial funds" is more formal and specific.
"disadvantaged children in the highlands" -> "underprivileged children in rural areas"
Explanation: "Disadvantaged children in the highlands" is specific but less formal. "Underprivileged children in rural areas" is more universally applicable and formal.
"I would emphasize" -> "I emphasize"
Explanation: "I would emphasize" is slightly informal and less direct. "I emphasize" is straightforward and maintains the formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position in favor of businesses having social responsibilities alongside profit-making. The introduction sets the tone for the discussion, and the body paragraphs present arguments supporting this stance. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint, which would provide a more balanced response to the prompt. For instance, discussing why some may argue that profit maximization should be the sole focus of businesses would strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, consider including a counterargument that acknowledges the perspective that businesses should prioritize profit. This could involve a brief discussion of the potential downsides of social responsibilities, followed by a rebuttal that reinforces the importance of balancing profit with social obligations.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently arguing in favor of social responsibilities for businesses. Phrases like "I firmly agree" and "should be encouraged" reinforce the author’s stance. However, the transition between discussing profit-making and social responsibilities could be smoother to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, use transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas of profit and social responsibility. For example, after discussing the necessity of profit, you could introduce the social responsibility argument with a phrase like, "However, this profit-making should not come at the expense of societal obligations."
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas effectively, such as the need for profits to sustain businesses and the importance of corporate social responsibility (CSR) in addressing issues like global warming. The examples of Unilever and Vinamilk provide concrete support for the argument. However, some points could be further developed. For instance, the discussion on how businesses contribute to community resources through taxes could include more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, consider elaborating on key points with additional examples or data. For instance, when discussing the impact of taxes on community resources, you might include specific figures or case studies that illustrate the positive effects of corporate contributions.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the dual responsibilities of businesses to make profits and contribute to society. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the discussion of global warming could be more directly linked to the broader theme of social responsibility.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, ensure that each point directly ties back to the central argument about the social responsibilities of businesses. For example, when discussing environmental issues, explicitly connect how addressing these issues aligns with the social responsibilities of businesses, rather than treating it as a separate topic.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and presents a strong argument, but incorporating counterarguments, enhancing the clarity of transitions, providing more detailed support for ideas, and ensuring tighter focus on the topic will further improve the quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical structure. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s stance, and the body paragraphs are organized around distinct themes: the necessity of profit for business survival and the importance of social responsibility. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the financial imperatives of businesses, while the second focuses on their social obligations. This clear delineation helps the reader follow the argument. However, the transition between the two main ideas could be smoother, as the shift from profit-making to social responsibility feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas. For example, after discussing the necessity of profit, a phrase like "However, it is equally important to recognize that…" could serve as a bridge to the discussion on social responsibilities.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids in readability and comprehension. Each paragraph has a clear focus, with the first addressing profit-making and the second discussing social responsibilities. However, the second paragraph could benefit from a clearer topic sentence that explicitly states the main idea before delving into examples.
- How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentence of the second body paragraph to clearly indicate that it will discuss social responsibilities. For instance, starting with "In addition to profit-making, businesses have a crucial obligation to address social issues" would set the stage for the examples that follow.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "furthermore," "hence," and "on top of that," which effectively link ideas and provide clarity. These devices help to guide the reader through the argument. However, there are instances where repetition occurs, particularly with the phrase "many enterprises" and "companies," which could detract from the overall cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using synonyms or alternative phrases to avoid redundancy. For example, instead of repeatedly using "companies," you could alternate with "businesses," "organizations," or "firms." Additionally, incorporating more complex cohesive devices, such as "in contrast" or "consequently," could further enhance the sophistication of the essay’s cohesion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, effectively organizing information and using paragraphs and cohesive devices to support the argument. With minor adjustments in transitions, topic sentences, and the variety of cohesive devices, the essay could achieve an even higher level of clarity and sophistication.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "maximize," "competitive edge," and "social responsibilities." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "making money" and "profits," which appear multiple times without variation. This limits the overall lexical diversity and sophistication expected at a higher band score.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "profits," alternatives like "financial gains," "revenue," or "earnings" could be employed. Additionally, introducing more complex vocabulary related to business and social responsibility, such as "corporate social responsibility (CSR)," "sustainability," or "stakeholder engagement," would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances of imprecision. For example, the phrase "a huge sum of money" is somewhat vague and could be more specific. Additionally, the term "obligation to society" could be better articulated as "corporate responsibility" to convey a more precise meaning in the context of business ethics.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim to use terms that convey specific meanings relevant to the context. For example, instead of "huge sum of money," the writer could specify "substantial financial contributions" or "significant investments." Furthermore, clarifying terms like "social obligations" with more defined phrases can enhance the clarity of the argument.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "Initally," which should be "Initially." Such errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and may affect the reader’s perception of the writer’s attention to detail.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools before submission. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary and business terminology can help reduce errors in future essays.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a reasonable range of vocabulary, improvements in lexical variety, precision, and spelling accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and compound sentences. For instance, the use of "Although the ultimate goal of many companies is to maximize their profits, businessmen also have social responsibilities" effectively combines contrasting ideas. Additionally, phrases like "A good example of this is that they have implemented new methods to cut down on emissions" showcase the ability to use different structures. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, such as starting multiple sentences with "They" or "Most organizations," which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly using "They" or "Most organizations," the writer could use phrases like "In many cases," "For instance," or "Additionally," to introduce new ideas. Experimenting with different sentence lengths and structures, such as using more relative clauses or participial phrases, would also contribute to a richer grammatical range.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors that do not impede understanding. For example, the phrase "many enterprises need a huge sum of money to maintain and survive in the competitive world" is grammatically correct. However, there are some minor issues, such as the misspelling of "Initially" as "Initally," which detracts from the overall professionalism of the writing. Additionally, the use of commas could be improved for clarity, particularly in complex sentences where clauses are joined.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to catch typographical errors like "Initally." Furthermore, reviewing comma usage in complex sentences can enhance clarity. For instance, in the sentence "A good example of this is that they have implemented new methods to cut down on emissions from industrial processes," a comma could be added after "this" for better readability. Practicing grammar exercises focused on common errors and seeking feedback from peers or instructors could also help in refining grammatical skills.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will further enhance the quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Although the ultimate goal of many companies is to maximize their profits, business leaders also have social responsibilities. I firmly agree with this perspective due to several significant reasons that are explained in this essay.

There are some compelling reasons why making money plays a crucial role in an organization’s aim. Initially, many enterprises need substantial funds to maintain and survive in the competitive world, enabling them to expand their business and gain a competitive edge. Furthermore, if companies can maximize their profits to the maximum extent possible, they can pay more taxes for the government’s budget. Hence, the authorities can allocate more resources to the community, including hospitals, schools, and houses. Therefore, money-making pursuits do appear justified.

Most organizations should be encouraged to have an obligation to society. They must address global warming caused by discharging chemical waste into rivers, leading to the death of many fish and other aquatic animals. A good example of this is that they have implemented new methods to reduce emissions from industrial processes. Furthermore, enterprises should be willing to make significant contributions to the community through charity and financial scholarships as a way to enhance their public image and gain the trust of customers. This is particularly the case for Unilever and Vinamilk, which donate substantial funds annually to underprivileged children in rural areas.

In conclusion, I emphasize that while making profits is the top priority of businesses, social obligations should also be considered an important aspect.