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As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. To what extent, do you agree or disagree?

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities.
To what extent, do you agree or disagree?

Businesses have always sought to make a profit, but it is becoming increasingly common to hear about the social obligations that companies have. I completely agree with the idea that businesses should do more for society than simply make money.

On the one hand, I accept that a company must make money in order to survive in a competitive world. The priority is to cover its running costs, such as employees’ wages and payments for buildings and utilities. On top of these costs, companies also need to invest in improvements and innovations if they wish to remain successful. If a company is unable to pay its bills or meet changing needs from customers, any concerns about social responsibilities become irrelevant. In other words, a company only makes positive contributions to society if it is in good financial health.

On the other hand, a company should not be run with the sole aim to maximize its profits, they have a wider role to play in society. In the process of making money, a company would engage in many activities that affect society, even in a direct way, in many cases. The Carbon Major Report found that just 100 companies are responsible for 71% of global emissions, and the scale of historical emissions associated with solely 25 fossil fuel corporate entities is large enough to have contributed to climate change. The producers probably must be committed to managing its cumulative greenhouse gas emissions or accept being backed by public investment. Not only is it morally risky, it’s economically risky. they may find themselves subject to strikes and boycotts of their products, and firms who continuously disregard public opinion or engage in socially irresponsible practices may eventually be barred from trading within certain markets. Furthermore, company directors who fail to foresee the impacts their companies have on nature, and the commercial risks that the effects may pose, can be held personally liable and fined, according to lawyers.

In addition, many companies now report on the social and environmental impacts of their activities as a way of enhancing their reputation. Being environmentally friendly is not only better for the planet, it could also give companies an advantage over their competitors. Firms that are seen as working hard to restrict pollution and encourage recycling are often looked on more favorably by consumers, therefore maintaining the public trust and more likely to experience increased sales, leading to more revenue. In fact, there is a minority of businesses which employ this gimmick as a way to tarnish their reputation risk, when trying to appear more socially responsible and boost sales. In particular, it is little more than window-dressing. As long as companies’ law is aimed at managing the social and environmental concerns of stakeholders and customers, we cannot go on pretending there will always be a win-win, in other words, there is a trade-off between profits and reining in certain social and environmental impacts.

In conclusion, businesses should place much importance on their social responsibilities as they do on financial objectives. Companies need to remember they might be subject to the will of public issues such as the environment or social stance. If they want to succeed, these factors should not be ignored, and when being managed properly, could even help boost revenues.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "completely" -> "fully"
    Explanation: "Completely" is a bit informal in academic writing. "Fully" retains the emphasis on agreement while maintaining a more formal tone.

  2. "simply make money" -> "solely pursue profits"
    Explanation: "Simply make money" can be refined to convey the singular focus on profit-making more formally by using "solely pursue profits."

  3. "accept that a company must make money" -> "acknowledge the necessity for a company to generate revenue"
    Explanation: "Accept" could be substituted with "acknowledge" for a more formal tone, and "make money" can be replaced with "generate revenue" for precision.

  4. "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" -> "Firstly" and "Moreover"
    Explanation: Transition phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" are more conversational. "Firstly" and "Moreover" maintain the structure while enhancing the formality of the essay.

  5. "In other words" -> "To clarify"
    Explanation: "In other words" could be replaced with "To clarify" to provide a more formal transition between ideas.

  6. "many activities that affect society" -> "various societal impacts"
    Explanation: Replacing "many activities that affect society" with "various societal impacts" is more concise and academically formal.

  7. "probably must" -> "likely need"
    Explanation: "Probably must" is a bit awkward. "Likely need" offers a clearer and more formal expression.

  8. "producers probably must be committed" -> "producers need to commit"
    Explanation: Simplifying the phrase to "producers need to commit" maintains the intended meaning while enhancing formality.

  9. "it’s economically risky" -> "poses economic risks"
    Explanation: Restructuring the phrase to "poses economic risks" improves formality and clarity.

  10. "they may find themselves" -> "companies might"
    Explanation: Using "companies might" maintains a more formal tone compared to the casual "they may find themselves."

  11. "company directors who fail to foresee" -> "directors neglecting to anticipate"
    Explanation: Rearranging to "directors neglecting to anticipate" provides a more formal and precise expression.

  12. "can be held personally liable and fined, according to lawyers" -> "might face personal liability and fines, as per legal counsel"
    Explanation: Replacing the informal "can be held personally liable and fined, according to lawyers" with "might face personal liability and fines, as per legal counsel" maintains formality.

  13. "In addition" -> "Furthermore"
    Explanation: "In addition" is a bit informal for academic writing; "Furthermore" serves as a more suitable transition phrase.

  14. "not only better for the planet" -> "beneficial not just environmentally"
    Explanation: A more formal rephrasing of "not only better for the planet" maintains clarity without using a conversational tone.

  15. "there is a minority of businesses which employ this gimmick" -> "a minority of businesses utilize this strategy"
    Explanation: "Employ this gimmick" can be replaced with "utilize this strategy" for a more formal expression.

  16. "In particular" -> "Especially"
    Explanation: "Especially" maintains formality and clarity compared to the slightly informal "In particular."

  17. "little more than window-dressing" -> "mostly superficial"
    Explanation: "Little more than window-dressing" can be substituted with "mostly superficial" for a more academically formal tone.

  18. "we cannot go on pretending" -> "it’s unrealistic to continue pretending"
    Explanation: The phrase "we cannot go on pretending" can be restructured for a more formal tone.

  19. "there is a trade-off" -> "a trade-off exists"
    Explanation: Adjusting to "a trade-off exists" provides a more formal structure.

  20. "much importance on" -> "significant emphasis on"
    Explanation: "Much importance on" can be replaced with "significant emphasis on" for a more formal tone.

  21. "subject to the will of public issues" -> "influenced by public concerns"
    Explanation: "Subject to the will of public issues" can be replaced with "influenced by public concerns" for clarity and formality.

  22. "should not be ignored" -> "cannot be disregarded"
    Explanation: Replacing "should not be ignored" with "cannot be disregarded" maintains formality and emphasizes the importance.

  23. "being managed properly" -> "adequate management"
    Explanation: "Being managed properly" can be replaced with "adequate management" for a more formal and concise expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the importance of businesses making money while emphasizing the increasing significance of social responsibilities. Each aspect is discussed, supporting the agreement with the idea that businesses should go beyond mere profit-making.
    • How to improve: To enhance completeness, consider providing a brief overview or roadmap in the introduction to outline how the essay will address both making money and social responsibilities.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout. The introduction explicitly states agreement with the idea that businesses should prioritize social responsibilities alongside making money, and this position is consistently upheld in subsequent paragraphs.
    • How to improve: No significant improvements are needed in this regard. Ensure that each body paragraph reinforces and aligns with the central position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides examples and evidence, such as referencing the Carbon Major Report, to illustrate the impact of businesses on society. The essay elaborates on the economic and moral risks associated with neglecting social responsibilities.
    • How to improve: Continue to provide specific examples and real-world scenarios to enhance the depth and richness of the essay’s content.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the dual roles of businesses—making money and fulfilling social responsibilities. However, there are instances, particularly in the last paragraph, where the essay briefly touches on factors like environmental issues and social stances without directly linking them to the primary discussion of making money and social responsibilities.
    • How to improve: Maintain a stronger connection between the mentioned factors (environment, social stance) and the core discussion of making money and social responsibilities. Ensure that every point made contributes directly to the central theme.

Overall Comments:
The essay is well-structured and effectively addresses the prompt, earning a Band Score of 8. To enhance the response, consider providing a concise roadmap in the introduction and reinforcing the connection between peripheral factors and the primary discussion. Continue to provide specific examples and evidence to further strengthen your arguments. Overall, a commendable performance.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a coherent structure, starting with an introduction that clearly presents the author’s stance. The first body paragraph discusses the necessity of financial stability for businesses before addressing social responsibilities. The essay then smoothly transitions to the opposite viewpoint in the second body paragraph. However, the logical organization falters slightly due to the third paragraph delving into the benefits of environmental consciousness without a strong transitional connection to the previous point.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider a smoother transition between the second and third paragraphs by linking how financial stability and social responsibility can coexist. This could create a more seamless progression of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs distinct paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the argument. The introductory paragraph sets the stage, followed by two body paragraphs that discuss different facets of the argument. However, the conclusion appears abrupt, lacking a clear summary of the main points discussed in the essay.
    • How to improve: Ensure the conclusion summarizes the key arguments presented in the body paragraphs. Revisit each main point briefly and reiterate the author’s stance to provide a comprehensive closure.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices like transitional phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In addition," "Furthermore," "In conclusion") to connect ideas and progress the argument. However, while these devices are used, some transitions between paragraphs lack explicit connections, impacting the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the use of transitional phrases not only within paragraphs but also between them. For instance, employ phrases that explicitly link ideas from the preceding paragraph to the subsequent one to create a smoother flow of thoughts.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt with well-organized paragraphs and a clear stance throughout. To improve coherence and cohesion further, focus on refining the transitions between ideas and reinforcing the essay’s overall structure for a more seamless flow.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating diverse terms such as "social obligations," "cumulative greenhouse gas emissions," "morally risky," "reputation risk," and "win-win." These expressions contribute to a nuanced understanding of the topic.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating more specialized vocabulary related to business ethics and corporate social responsibility. For instance, terms like "corporate philanthropy," "sustainability initiatives," or "ethical consumerism" could add depth to the discussion.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally precise use of vocabulary. For instance, the mention of the "Carbon Major Report" and the distinction between being "morally risky" and "economically risky" showcases precision.
    • How to improve: While precision is a strength, ensure consistency in terminology. For instance, when discussing the impact on nature, maintaining a consistent choice between terms like "environment" and "nature" would add clarity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is predominantly accurate. However, there are a few instances where small errors exist, such as "reining" instead of "reining in" and "stance" instead of "stake." These do not significantly impede comprehension but should be addressed for a polished presentation.
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread the essay, paying attention to small errors in word endings and usage. Additionally, consider using spelling and grammar-check tools to catch minor issues and enhance overall accuracy.

This essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary and effectively addresses the essay prompt. To enhance the Lexical Resource further, focus on incorporating more specialized terms related to corporate social responsibility and ensure consistency in the use of terminology. Additionally, a thorough proofreading process will ensure minor spelling issues are rectified, contributing to an even higher level of linguistic accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and a mix of short and long sentences. For instance, there is effective use of conditional sentences ("If a company is unable to pay its bills…") and comparison ("Not only is it morally risky, it’s economically risky."). However, a predominant use of compound sentences is noted throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To further enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as relative clauses or inverted sentences. This can elevate the sophistication of the essay and contribute to a richer linguistic presentation.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a strong command of grammar, with few notable errors. However, a few instances of subject-verb agreement issues are present ("the scale of historical emissions associated with solely 25 fossil fuel corporate entities is large enough"). Additionally, there is a lack of parallelism in the phrase "environmental concerns of stakeholders and customers."
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring consistency throughout the essay. Also, strive for parallelism in sentence structures, especially when presenting lists or contrasting ideas. In this case, maintaining parallelism in the phrase would enhance grammatical accuracy.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used correctly, with appropriate placement of commas, periods, and other punctuation marks. However, there are a few instances where punctuation could be refined for clarity and flow. For example, consider revising the sentence: "In fact, there is a minority of businesses which employ this gimmick as a way to tarnish their reputation risk, when trying to appear more socially responsible and boost sales."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to comma usage, especially when dealing with complex sentences. Consider breaking down long sentences into shorter ones for clarity. Additionally, ensure proper punctuation in complex structures to avoid ambiguity.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a varied range of structures. To elevate the score further, focus on refining subject-verb agreement, enhancing sentence complexity, and fine-tuning punctuation for improved clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

Businesses have always sought to make a profit, and nowadays, there’s a growing awareness of the social responsibilities that companies bear. I fully acknowledge the necessity for a company to generate revenue, but I also believe that businesses should contribute positively to society beyond merely making money.

To clarify, a company’s primary goal is to cover operational costs like employee wages, buildings, and utilities. Additionally, investments in improvements and innovations are essential for long-term success. If a company can’t meet these financial demands, any concerns about social responsibilities become less relevant. In other words, a company only makes positive contributions to society when it’s financially healthy.

Nevertheless, companies should not operate solely to maximize profits; they have a broader role to play in society. In the process of making money, companies engage in activities that directly impact society. The Carbon Major Report indicates that 100 companies are responsible for 71% of global emissions, and 25 fossil fuel entities have significantly contributed to climate change. Producers need to commit to managing their cumulative greenhouse gas emissions or face public backlash. This not only poses economic risks but may lead to strikes, boycotts, and trading restrictions. Directors neglecting to anticipate these impacts may face personal liability and fines, as per legal counsel.

Furthermore, many companies now report on the social and environmental impacts of their activities to enhance their reputation. Being environmentally friendly is not just beneficial environmentally but also economically advantageous. Especially in today’s world, where public concerns influence consumer choices, companies need to prioritize adequate management of social and environmental impacts. While some businesses may superficially adopt environmentally friendly practices to improve their image, a trade-off exists between profits and managing certain social and environmental impacts.

In conclusion, businesses should place as much emphasis on their social responsibilities as they do on financial objectives. Companies need to recognize that societal impacts cannot be disregarded. Adequate management of social and environmental concerns not only benefits the planet but can also enhance a company’s reputation, leading to increased sales and revenue. It’s unrealistic to continue pretending that there’s always a win-win; a trade-off exists, and companies must navigate it responsibly to succeed.

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