At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.
Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

In recent decades, people have recognized the importance for global knowledge,
which has become a topic of discussion on information. Although some individuals
are of the opinion that some informations is too precious and costly to dole out
freely, I am more convinced that illustrating information about the problem of the
world for residents is necessary.

On the one hand, there are several reasons behind the idea that sharing free improtant data is not good suggestion. The first reason is that each country owns a few of informations which is considered a secret, can’t spread for other country. When the opposite country know, it would effect to the ability of maintenance peace and stabilize in this country. For instance, some power country could rely on provided information to find weakness leading to conduct invastion. Another one is that avoiding copyright infringement situation. It should well come as no surprise to find that fake and unqualified products had appeared immediately when real things announce, even some things just put model out. It is not fair for person who waste lots of time to create.

Albeit aforementioned supportive arguments, I am incline to believe that scientific research, business and academic world is necessary to share for residents. The most striking point is that everyone can get more information to understand deeply about their following field. A good case in point is when a scientists test successful new method or medicine to solve danger diseases. It will be a honest activity when sharing for other underprivileged countries in order to study and apply appropriate measures. Many lives can be curve in time. Furthermore, another equally important argument is more discovery was found to catch up with the development of hman demands. Probably, there is some truth in the idea that when world is altering daily, somethings like standards, inventions and viewpoints is not suitable, specially economic sectors. Nowaday, the affection of economic fluatue regularly. The public can make business human have a total view to consider some policy. Hence, that country;s economy will grow faster because the people are rich and the country is strong.

To conclude, it is reasonable for some individuals to think that it is too value and importance to share freely because of safety and avoiding copyright infringement. However, it is my firm conviction that public much knowledge is beneficial due to opening the worldview and develops the economy of world generally.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "recognized the importance for global knowledge" -> "recognized the importance of global knowledge"
   Explanation: Removing the preposition "for" corrects the grammatical error and aligns with the correct prepositional usage in this context, enhancing the formal tone of the sentence.

2. "some informations is too precious" -> "some information is too precious"
   Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error of pluralization ("informations" to "information") and maintains the singular form to match the singular verb "is," ensuring grammatical accuracy and formal tone.

3. "dole out" -> "disclose"
   Explanation: Replacing "dole out" with "disclose" provides a more precise and formal term suitable for academic writing, avoiding the colloquial connotation of "dole out."

4. "illustrating information" -> "sharing information"
   Explanation: "Illustrating" is not the correct term here; "sharing" is more appropriate and clear in the context of providing information to others.

5. "residents" -> "people"
   Explanation: While "residents" can be used, "people" is a more general and commonly accepted term in academic writing, avoiding any potential confusion about the context.

6. "not good suggestion" -> "not a good suggestion"
   Explanation: Adding the article "a" before "good suggestion" corrects the grammatical structure, making the phrase grammatically correct and more formal.

7. "each country owns a few of informations" -> "each country possesses some information"
   Explanation: "Owns" is not the correct verb here; "possesses" is more appropriate for referring to the acquisition of knowledge or information. Also, "a few of informations" should be "some information" for grammatical correctness.

8. "can’t spread for other country" -> "cannot be shared with other countries"
   Explanation: "Can’t" is too informal and "spread" is not the correct verb; "shared" is more precise and formal. Also, "other country" should be pluralized to "other countries" for grammatical accuracy.

9. "would effect to the ability" -> "would affect the ability"
   Explanation: Corrects the verb "effect" to "affect" for the correct meaning, and removes the unnecessary "to" before "ability."

10. "power country" -> "powerful countries"
    Explanation: "Power country" is not a standard term; "powerful countries" is the correct phrase, enhancing clarity and formality.

11. "invastion" -> "invasion"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling error in "invastion" to "invasion."

12. "It should well come as no surprise" -> "It should come as no surprise"
    Explanation: Removes the unnecessary "well" which is redundant and informal in this context.

13. "fake and unqualified products had appeared" -> "fake and unqualified products have appeared"
    Explanation: Corrects the verb tense to match the present perfect continuous, indicating ongoing action.

14. "It is not fair for person who waste lots of time" -> "It is unfair for individuals who waste a lot of time"
    Explanation: Replaces "person" with "individuals" for plural form and "lots" with "a lot" for grammatical correctness. Also, "who waste" should be "who waste" for subject-verb agreement.

15. "incline to believe" -> "tend to believe"
    Explanation: "Incline" is not typically used in this context; "tend to believe" is more appropriate and idiomatic in academic writing.

16. "scientific research, business and academic world" -> "scientific research, business, and the academic world"
    Explanation: Adds the article "the" before "academic world" for grammatical correctness and clarity.

17. "everyone can get more information" -> "everyone can gain more information"
    Explanation: Replaces "get" with "gain" for a more formal and precise verb choice in academic writing.

18. "underprivileged countries" -> "developing countries"
    Explanation: "Underprivileged" is not typically used to describe countries; "developing" is a more appropriate and commonly accepted term in this context.

19. "curve in time" -> "save lives"
    Explanation: "Curve in time" is unclear and incorrect; "save lives" is a clear and appropriate phrase in this context.

20. "hman demands" -> "human demands"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling error in "hman" to "human."

21. "somethings like standards, inventions and viewpoints" -> "things such as standards, inventions, and viewpoints"
    Explanation: Corrects the plural form "somethings" to "things" and adds a comma after "inventions" for proper punctuation.

22. "Nowaday" -> "Nowadays"
    Explanation

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 3

Band Score for Task Response: 3

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay fails to directly address the prompt regarding the advantages and disadvantages of having a large population of young adults compared to older people. Instead, it discusses the sharing of information, which is unrelated to the topic. The essay does not mention the demographic situation or evaluate its implications, leading to a lack of relevance to the question posed.
  • How to improve: To better answer the question, the writer should focus on the demographic aspect by clearly identifying the advantages (such as economic growth, innovation, etc.) and disadvantages (such as unemployment, social unrest, etc.) of having a larger young adult population. Structuring the essay around these points would ensure all parts of the question are addressed.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position on the importance of sharing information, but this stance is not related to the prompt. The position is not clearly articulated in relation to the advantages and disadvantages of the demographic situation, leading to confusion about what the author is arguing.
  • How to improve: The writer should explicitly state their position regarding the demographic question in the introduction and consistently refer back to this position throughout the essay. A clear thesis statement that outlines the main arguments for and against the situation would help maintain clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are not relevant to the prompt and lack coherence. While there are attempts to provide examples (e.g., scientific research), these examples do not support the argument related to young adults versus older people. The development of ideas is weak, with insufficient elaboration on how they relate to the demographic context.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on developing ideas that are directly related to the prompt. Each point made should be supported with relevant examples and explanations that illustrate how the advantages or disadvantages manifest in society. For instance, discussing how a young population can lead to innovation in technology or challenges in job markets would be more appropriate.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay deviates significantly from the topic, discussing information sharing rather than the demographic situation. This lack of focus results in an essay that does not fulfill the task requirements, leading to a low score.
  • How to improve: To stay on topic, the writer should carefully analyze the prompt before writing and outline key points that directly relate to the advantages and disadvantages of a youthful population. Regularly referencing the prompt while writing can help maintain focus and ensure that all arguments are relevant to the question asked.

In summary, the essay needs to address the specific prompt regarding the demographic situation of young adults versus older people. By focusing on the advantages and disadvantages, presenting a clear position, and staying on topic, the writer can significantly improve their Task Response score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with distinct sections for opposing views and the author’s perspective. The introduction outlines the topic and the author’s stance, while the body paragraphs each focus on specific points. However, the logical flow is occasionally disrupted by unclear transitions and a lack of clear topic sentences in some paragraphs. For instance, the transition between the first and second body paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the overall coherence of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the author should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Additionally, using transition phrases such as "Furthermore," "In contrast," or "On the other hand" can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, some paragraphs are overly long and could be split to improve readability and clarity. For example, the second body paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be better articulated in separate paragraphs, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, the author should aim to keep paragraphs focused on a single idea or theme. Each paragraph should ideally contain a topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence that ties back to the main argument. This will enhance clarity and make the essay more engaging.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "Albeit," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. For example, phrases like "Another one is that" are less formal and could be replaced with more sophisticated transitions.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the author should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Moreover," "In addition," "Conversely," and "As a result." Additionally, ensuring that each sentence logically follows from the previous one will strengthen the overall cohesion of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will help elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety in word choice and often resorts to basic terms. For instance, phrases like "sharing free important data" and "scientific research, business and academic world" are somewhat repetitive and could benefit from more nuanced vocabulary. Additionally, the phrase "the importance for global knowledge" is vague and could be expressed more precisely.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more sophisticated expressions. For example, instead of "important data," consider using "crucial information" or "vital insights." Expanding vocabulary through reading diverse materials and practicing paraphrasing can help in this regard.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage in the essay. For example, "some informations" is incorrect as "information" is an uncountable noun. The phrase "effect to the ability of maintenance peace" is also awkward and unclear; it should be rephrased for clarity. Additionally, "scientists test successful new method or medicine" lacks grammatical accuracy and specificity.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on understanding the grammatical rules surrounding vocabulary usage, particularly with uncountable nouns and verb forms. Using tools like a thesaurus can help find more precise words, but it’s essential to ensure that the chosen words fit the context accurately.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from the overall quality. Words like "improtant" (important), "invastion" (invasion), "honest" (honorable), "curve" (cure), "hman" (human), and "nowaday" (nowadays) are misspelled. These errors indicate a lack of attention to detail and can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as writing exercises and using spell-check tools. Additionally, reading extensively can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts. Keeping a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By actively expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and improve their overall IELTS score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. While there are some complex sentences, such as "The most striking point is that everyone can get more information to understand deeply about their following field," the overall variety is insufficient. Many sentences are either simple or compound but lack the complexity that would enhance the writing. For example, the phrase "it is reasonable for some individuals to think that it is too value and importance to share freely" is awkwardly constructed and could be more effectively expressed with varied structures.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. Incorporating relative clauses, conditional sentences, and varied introductory phrases can add depth. For instance, instead of saying "The first reason is that each country owns a few of informations which is considered a secret," the writer could say, "One significant reason is that each country possesses certain information deemed confidential, which cannot be shared with others."

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, "some informations is too precious" should be "some information is too precious," as "information" is an uncountable noun. Additionally, phrases like "it would effect to the ability of maintenance peace" are grammatically incorrect; it should be "it would affect the ability to maintain peace." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect use of apostrophes (e.g., "that country;s economy"), further hinder readability.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on mastering subject-verb agreement, noun forms (especially uncountable nouns), and proper use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can help identify and correct these errors. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas and apostrophes, will improve clarity and coherence in writing.

Overall, while the essay presents relevant ideas, improving grammatical range and accuracy will significantly enhance the quality of the writing. Regular practice and targeted feedback can help the writer develop these skills over time.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent decades, people have recognized the importance of global knowledge, which has become a topic of discussion regarding information sharing. Although some individuals believe that some information is too precious and costly to disclose freely, I am more convinced that sharing information about global issues with residents is necessary.

On the one hand, there are several reasons behind the idea that sharing free important data is not a good suggestion. The first reason is that each country possesses some information that is considered a secret and cannot be shared with other countries. If an opposing country gains access to this information, it would affect the ability to maintain peace and stability within that country. For instance, some powerful countries could exploit provided information to identify weaknesses, potentially leading to an invasion. Another concern is avoiding copyright infringement. It should come as no surprise that fake and unqualified products have appeared immediately when real products are announced, even when some items are merely prototypes. It is unfair for individuals who waste a lot of time creating genuine products.

Despite the aforementioned arguments, I tend to believe that sharing scientific research, business insights, and academic knowledge is essential for residents. The most striking point is that everyone can gain more information to deepen their understanding of their respective fields. A good case in point is when scientists successfully test a new method or medicine to combat dangerous diseases. It would be a commendable act to share this knowledge with underprivileged countries to help them study and apply appropriate measures. Many lives can be saved in the process. Furthermore, another equally important argument is that more discoveries are needed to keep pace with the development of human demands. There is some truth in the idea that as the world changes daily, things such as standards, inventions, and viewpoints may become outdated, especially in economic sectors. Nowadays, the effects of economic fluctuations are frequent. The public can make informed business decisions, allowing individuals to consider various policies. Hence, a country’s economy will grow faster because its people are prosperous, and the nation becomes stronger.

To conclude, it is reasonable for some individuals to think that it is too valuable and important to share information freely due to safety concerns and the need to avoid copyright infringement. However, it is my firm conviction that sharing knowledge is beneficial as it opens up the worldview and contributes to the overall development of the global economy.