Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent years, there has been a heated debate about whether attending a live performance is more relaxing than watching on TV or not. From my perspective, I completely concur with this statement for several compelling reasons. This essay will analyze both sides and offer my personal viewpoint.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that watching television has certain advantages due to its convenience. First of all, individuals will save their financial budget since they avoid paying extravagant prices to engage in live performance. To illustrate, when taking part in concerts, it frequently concludes additional fees, such as flight tickets and accommodations. Thus, some individuals tend to enjoy watching on television to save money. Secondly, inhabitants who encounter hectic schedules tend to watch in order to entertain. For example, people may spend their weekends on watching special events at home in family gatherings.
On the other hand, Although many advocates suppose a variety aspects of this matter, I strongly hold the view that attending in live performance has more tremendous benefits to human lives. One of the feasible causes is that it may contribute to generate their indelible moments. If individuals can interact with celebrities who they admire, this will foster their sense of happiness. Additionally, they can mark their own significant milestones in their youth journey. For instance, Taylor Swift concerts which were celebrated in Singapore allure million people take part in her live performance. Furthermore, when attending live events, individuals are able to gain a more comprehensive understanding of various fields, such as cuisines as well as cultural diversity. This is because they tend to participate in several recreational activities before engaging in concert, hence, they may utilize their suitable vacation to broaden their horizon of eye-opening experiences.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that people who take part in live performance instead of watching at home will receive more profound values for their lives.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"heated debate" -> "contentious debate"
Explanation: "Heated" implies strong emotions and might be too informal for academic writing. "Contentious" is a more formal term that indicates a debate characterized by disagreement and controversy.
"completely concur" -> "fully agree"
Explanation: "Completely concur" is redundant and overly emphatic. "Fully agree" maintains the meaning while being more concise and appropriate for formal writing.
"several compelling reasons" -> "various compelling reasons"
Explanation: "Several" is somewhat vague and less precise. "Various" provides a clearer indication of multiple reasons, enhancing the clarity of the sentence.
"analyze both sides" -> "examine both perspectives"
Explanation: "Analyze" is more commonly used in scientific or technical contexts. "Examine" is a suitable alternative for discussing viewpoints in a more general sense.
"undeniable" -> "unquestionable"
Explanation: While "undeniable" is acceptable, "unquestionable" adds a touch of formality and sophistication to the language, enhancing the academic tone.
"financial budget" -> "financial resources"
Explanation: "Financial budget" is redundant, as budget inherently refers to financial resources. "Financial resources" is a more precise and formal term.
"extravagant prices" -> "exorbitant costs"
Explanation: "Extravagant" is more associated with luxury and indulgence rather than high costs. "Exorbitant" accurately conveys the idea of excessively high prices, aligning better with the context.
"engage in live performance" -> "attend live performances"
Explanation: "Engage in" is slightly awkward in this context. "Attend" is a simpler and more appropriate verb choice for describing participation in live performances.
"watching on television" -> "watching television broadcasts"
Explanation: "Watching on television" is unnecessarily verbose. "Watching television broadcasts" is more concise and maintains clarity.
"habitants" -> "individuals" or "people"
Explanation: "Habitants" is a less common and more formal term for "inhabitants." "Individuals" or "people" are simpler and more widely understood alternatives.
"watching in order to entertain" -> "watching for entertainment"
Explanation: "Watching in order to" is wordy and can be simplified to "watching for" without altering the meaning.
"suppose a variety aspects" -> "consider various aspects"
Explanation: "Suppose" does not fit well in this context. "Consider" is a more appropriate term for discussing different aspects of a topic.
"tremendous benefits" -> "significant benefits"
Explanation: "Tremendous" is somewhat informal. "Significant" maintains the strength of meaning while being more appropriate for formal writing.
"generate their indelible moments" -> "create memorable experiences"
Explanation: "Generate their indelible moments" is awkward and unclear. "Create memorable experiences" is a clearer and more concise alternative.
"sense of happiness" -> "feeling of joy"
Explanation: While "sense of happiness" is acceptable, "feeling of joy" is more precise and straightforward, fitting well in academic writing.
"mark their own significant milestones" -> "commemorate significant milestones"
Explanation: "Mark their own significant milestones" is slightly informal. "Commemorate significant milestones" is a more formal and precise alternative.
"allure million people" -> "attract millions of people"
Explanation: "Allure million people" is grammatically incorrect. "Attract millions of people" is the correct structure for expressing the idea of drawing a large audience.
"comprehensive understanding" -> "thorough understanding"
Explanation: "Comprehensive" is somewhat redundant with "understanding." "Thorough" is a more concise and precise term for indicating a deep understanding.
"cuisines as well as cultural diversity" -> "culinary diversity and cultural richness"
Explanation: "Cuisines as well as cultural diversity" is awkwardly phrased. "Culinary diversity and cultural richness" provides a smoother and more elegant expression of the idea.
"broaden their horizon of eye-opening experiences" -> "expand their range of enriching experiences"
Explanation: "Broaden their horizon of eye-opening experiences" is overly verbose and informal. "Expand their range of enriching experiences" is clearer and more suitable for academic writing.
"In conclusion," -> "To conclude,"
Explanation: "In conclusion" is a common phrase but "To conclude" is slightly more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"receive more profound values for their lives" -> "derive greater significance for their lives"
Explanation: "Receive more profound values for their lives" is unclear and somewhat awkward. "Derive greater significance for their lives" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question by presenting arguments for both attending live performances and watching events on television. However, the analysis of each perspective could be more balanced, with a more thorough exploration of the advantages and disadvantages of each option.
- How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, ensure that each perspective is given equal weight in the analysis. Offer more detailed examples and explanations for both attending live performances and watching events on television to provide a more nuanced view.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance in favor of attending live performances. This position is consistently maintained throughout the essay, with arguments and examples supporting the preference for live events over television viewing.
- How to improve: While clarity is commendable, ensure that the essay acknowledges counterarguments and addresses them effectively to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic. This can strengthen the overall persuasiveness of the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the benefits of attending live performances and provides examples to support these points. However, some ideas could be further developed for greater depth and clarity. For instance, the discussion on generating indelible moments could be expanded to include a wider range of experiences beyond interacting with celebrities.
- How to improve: Extend the analysis by providing more diverse and detailed examples to support each argument. Consider elaborating on how live performances contribute to personal growth, cultural understanding, and emotional experiences to strengthen the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing the relative enjoyment of attending live performances versus watching events on television. However, there are minor instances where the focus drifts, such as the mention of Taylor Swift’s concerts in Singapore, which does not directly relate to the comparison between live events and television viewing.
- How to improve: Maintain a tighter focus on the comparison between attending live performances and watching events on television throughout the essay. Avoid introducing tangential examples or anecdotes that do not directly contribute to the central argument.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents a clear position in favor of attending live performances, there is room for improvement in terms of balance, depth of analysis, and focus. By addressing these areas, the essay could achieve a more comprehensive and persuasive response to the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. Each paragraph presents a clear point of view, with the introduction outlining the writer’s stance and the subsequent paragraphs elaborating on supporting arguments. However, there are instances of abrupt transitions between ideas, such as the shift from discussing the advantages of watching television to attending live performances. Additionally, the essay lacks a clear conclusion that summarizes the main points presented.
- How to improve: To enhance logical coherence, ensure smooth transitions between ideas by using linking words and phrases. Consider structuring the essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs focusing on specific arguments, and a concise conclusion that reinforces the thesis statement.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to organize different aspects of the argument, which aids readability. Each paragraph addresses a specific point, such as the advantages of watching television or the benefits of attending live performances. However, the paragraphs could be further improved by developing each point with more depth and providing additional examples or evidence to support the arguments.
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details or examples. Aim to maintain coherence within paragraphs by avoiding abrupt shifts in focus or ideas.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices to connect ideas, such as transition words like "firstly," "secondly," and "in conclusion." However, the variety and effectiveness of these devices could be improved to enhance coherence. Additionally, there is limited use of cohesive devices within sentences to establish relationships between ideas.
- How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices such as pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases within and between sentences to create smoother transitions and logical connections. Experiment with a wider range of cohesive devices to vary sentence structures and improve overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with the use of varied terms such as "heated debate," "undeniable," "advantages," "extravagant," "encounter hectic schedules," "tremendous benefits," "indelible moments," "comprehensive understanding," "cuisines," "cultural diversity," "recreational activities," and "profound values."
- How to improve: While the essay utilizes a broad vocabulary, there is room for enhancement in the precision and appropriateness of word choice. For instance, instead of using "celebrities," consider specifying the type of performers, such as musicians or actors, for clarity and specificity. Additionally, aim for a more nuanced selection of vocabulary to convey subtle distinctions in meaning and tone.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary effectively, with phrases like "undeniable," "generate indelible moments," and "comprehensive understanding" contributing to precision in expression. However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "celebrities" without specifying the type of performers and "feasible causes" without specifying the exact reasons.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, strive for specificity in vocabulary selection. Instead of using broad terms like "celebrities," specify the type of performers or personalities being referenced. Similarly, provide clear and specific reasons rather than using vague terms like "feasible causes." This will strengthen the clarity and coherence of your arguments.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally accurate level of spelling, with only minor errors observed, such as "alure" (allure) and "eye-opening experiences." Overall, the spelling accuracy is sufficient to maintain coherence and readability.
- How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, consider employing proofreading techniques such as spell-checking software or manual review to identify and correct any remaining errors. Additionally, expanding your vocabulary and familiarity with word spellings through regular reading and practice can contribute to improved spelling proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. However, there is a tendency towards simpler structures and some repetition, which can affect the overall variety and sophistication of the writing. For instance, there’s frequent use of introductory phrases followed by simple sentences, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand." While there are some attempts at complexity, such as the use of conditional sentences ("if…then"), there’s room for improvement in incorporating more diverse structures like relative clauses, participial phrases, and varied sentence lengths.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex constructions like relative clauses to provide additional information without creating separate sentences. Additionally, vary the length and rhythm of sentences to create a more engaging flow. For instance, combining shorter sentences into longer, more complex ones can increase cohesion and sophistication.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation, but there are several instances of errors that impact clarity and precision. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("inhabitants who encounter hectic schedules tend to watch"), article usage ("a variety aspects of this matter"), and incorrect prepositions ("take part in her live performance"). Punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences and misuse of commas in introductory phrases, also occur throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, consider reviewing basic grammar rules related to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and prepositions. Practice identifying and correcting common punctuation errors, particularly regarding comma usage in compound sentences and introductory phrases. Additionally, proofread your writing carefully to catch and correct any errors before submission.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammar and a moderate range of sentence structures, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy to elevate the overall quality of the writing. By incorporating a wider variety of sentence constructions and refining grammar and punctuation skills, the writer can achieve greater clarity, coherence, and sophistication in their essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, there has been a contentious debate about whether attending a live performance is more enjoyable than watching it on television. From my perspective, I fully agree with this statement for various compelling reasons. This essay will examine both perspectives and offer my personal viewpoint.

On the one hand, it is unquestionable that watching television has certain advantages due to its convenience. Firstly, individuals can save on their financial resources since they avoid the exorbitant costs associated with attending live performances. For example, when attending concerts, there are often additional expenses such as flight tickets and accommodations. Therefore, some individuals prefer to watch on television to save money. Secondly, people with busy schedules may find it more convenient to watch television for entertainment. For instance, they may choose to spend their weekends watching special events at home with family.

On the other hand, despite various compelling arguments, I strongly believe that attending live performances offers significant benefits to individuals. One of the primary reasons is that it creates memorable experiences. When individuals have the opportunity to interact with celebrities they admire, it brings them a feeling of joy. Additionally, attending live events allows individuals to commemorate significant milestones in their lives. For example, Taylor Swift concerts, which attract millions of people, enable fans to create memorable moments in their youth journey. Furthermore, attending live events provides individuals with a thorough understanding of various aspects such as culinary diversity and cultural richness. This is because they often participate in various recreational activities before the concert, expanding their range of enriching experiences.

To conclude, attending live performances instead of watching them at home can derive greater significance for individuals’ lives.