Boxing is a blood sport which often results in physical injury. It is inappropriate for this sport to exist in the modern age

It is a common belief that boxing is a violated sport which often result in physically damaged and many people believe that this sport should be banned in this contemporary society. In my perspective I firmly believe that this is the right statement as it could promote violation and unsuitable for children.
To begin with, many boxing watchers feel stimulated than feared those punching actions after watched a boxing match. Therefore, their violent, resentful nature is erected day by day and could be provoked at anytime. In addition, the coolness and aggressive of boxer after winning a match could influence to those boxing interests and conflict occurrences would easily happen to them to feel that feeling. For example, in a recent study, many boxing viewers temp to be more aggressive than who don't This could be one the factors that leads to domestic violence.
On top of that, with the view of modern society, boxers are considering as a bad influencer for children and people are less likely to tolerance to accept them. Numerous people believe that children could learn from their aggressive's character and not a role model to aspire to . Moreover, some parents even compel their child not to attempt to boxing even it is their hobby. According to a recent study, youth culture tend to watch violent sport rather than those sports like soccer, basketball… Furthermore, many of which are reported having fights with classmates in school. This illustrates how boxing could affect badly to youngsters and is a growing to concern that society need to care for.
In conclusion, boxing has gained its negative view as it could provoke violation as well as bad impacts on children. For these reasons, it is clear that boxing should not be appeared in this present-day as it is a bloody sport and the negative effects it gives.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"violated sport" -> "violent sport"
Explanation: The word "violated" is incorrectly used here. "Violent" is the correct term to describe sports that involve physical violence, such as boxing.
"often result in physically damaged" -> "often result in physical damage"
Explanation: "Physically damaged" is an awkward and incorrect construction. "Physical damage" is the correct term to describe harm caused to the body.
"many people believe that this sport should be banned" -> "many individuals believe that this sport should be prohibited"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "prohibited" is a more precise term than "banned" in an academic context.
"In my perspective I firmly believe" -> "From my perspective, I firmly believe"
Explanation: The phrase "In my perspective" is grammatically incorrect. "From my perspective" is the correct prepositional phrase for introducing a personal viewpoint.
"this is the right statement" -> "this is a valid assertion"
Explanation: "The right statement" is vague and informal. "A valid assertion" is more precise and academically appropriate.
"promote violation" -> "promote violence"
Explanation: "Promote violation" is incorrect. "Promote violence" is the correct term to describe the encouragement of violent behavior.
"unsuitable for children" -> "unsuitable for minors"
Explanation: "Children" is too broad and informal; "minors" is more specific and appropriate in formal writing.
"many boxing watchers feel stimulated than feared" -> "many boxing spectators feel stimulated rather than fearful"
Explanation: "Watchers" is informal and imprecise; "spectators" is more formal and accurate. "Feared" should be "fearful" to match the grammatical structure.
"punching actions" -> "punching techniques"
Explanation: "Actions" is vague; "techniques" specifically refers to the methods used in boxing, which is more precise in this context.
"erected day by day" -> "increased daily"
Explanation: "Erected" is incorrectly used here; "increased daily" is the correct phrase to describe a gradual increase.
"coolness and aggressive" -> "coolness and aggression"
Explanation: "Aggressive" should be "aggression" to maintain grammatical correctness and clarity.
"could influence to those boxing interests" -> "could influence the interests of boxing"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The revised version corrects the structure and clarity.
"conflict occurrences would easily happen to them to feel that feeling" -> "conflict may arise in them"
Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and unclear. The suggested revision simplifies and clarifies the meaning.
"temp to be more aggressive" -> "tend to become more aggressive"
Explanation: "Temp" is a typographical error; "tend to become" is the correct phrase for describing a tendency to change over time.
"bad influencer for children" -> "negative influence on children"
Explanation: "Bad influencer" is an incorrect and informal expression. "Negative influence" is the correct term for describing a detrimental effect.
"less likely to tolerance to accept them" -> "less likely to tolerate them"
Explanation: "Tolerance to accept" is redundant and grammatically incorrect. "Tolerate" is the correct verb form.
"aggressive’s character" -> "aggressive character"
Explanation: "Aggressive’s" is grammatically incorrect; "aggressive character" is the correct form.
"not a role model to aspire to" -> "not a role model to emulate"
Explanation: "Aspire to" is somewhat informal and vague; "emulate" is more precise and formal.
"compel their child not to attempt to boxing" -> "compel their child not to engage in boxing"
Explanation: "Attempt to boxing" is awkward and incorrect. "Engage in boxing" is the correct phrase.
"youth culture tend to watch" -> "youth tend to watch"
Explanation: "Youth culture" is redundant; "youth" is sufficient and more direct.
"badly to youngsters" -> "negatively on youngsters"
Explanation: "Badly to" is grammatically incorrect; "negatively on" is the correct prepositional phrase.
"growing to concern" -> "growing concern"
Explanation: "Growing to concern" is grammatically incorrect. "Growing concern" is the correct phrase.
"appeared in this present-day" -> "appear in the present day"
Explanation: "Appeared in this present-day" is

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the main prompt by arguing against the existence of boxing in modern society, citing its violent nature and potential negative influence on children. However, it could be improved by explicitly acknowledging the opposing viewpoint, which would provide a more balanced argument. The introduction does mention that boxing is a "violated sport," but it lacks a clear articulation of the reasons why some might argue for its continuation, which is essential for a comprehensive response.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, consider including a brief acknowledgment of the arguments in favor of boxing, such as its historical significance or the discipline it can teach. This would enrich the discussion and demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against boxing, stating that it should be banned due to its violent implications. However, the phrasing and some grammatical issues detract from the clarity of the argument. For instance, phrases like "could promote violation" and "bad influencer" are vague and could be articulated more precisely.
- How to improve: Strengthening the clarity of the position can be achieved by using more definitive language and avoiding ambiguous terms. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph clearly ties back to the central thesis will help maintain focus throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the influence of boxing on viewers and its negative impact on children. However, the support for these ideas is often weak or unclear. For example, the reference to a study on aggression among boxing viewers lacks citation details and does not effectively connect to the argument about domestic violence.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, provide more specific examples and evidence to support claims. Including statistics, studies, or expert opinions would lend credibility to the arguments. Additionally, ensuring that each point is fully elaborated upon before moving to the next will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the negative aspects of boxing. However, there are moments where the connection to the main argument becomes tenuous, such as the mention of youth culture and its relation to boxing without a clear link back to the main thesis. The phrase "growing to concern that society need to care for" is also somewhat unclear and distracts from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that every point made directly relates back to the thesis statement. Avoid introducing ideas that do not directly support the main argument. Additionally, refining the language for clarity and precision will help keep the reader engaged and focused on the topic.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there are several areas for improvement that could elevate the score. Focusing on clarity, providing stronger evidence, and ensuring a comprehensive approach to the prompt will enhance the overall effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance against boxing, which is a strength. However, the organization of ideas could be improved. For instance, the first paragraph introduces the topic and the writer’s opinion, but the transition into the supporting arguments is somewhat abrupt. The second paragraph attempts to discuss the influence of boxing on viewers but lacks a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main point. The third paragraph shifts focus to the impact on children without a smooth transition from the previous point. This can disrupt the reader’s understanding of how the ideas connect.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer should begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Additionally, using transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "Conversely") can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly. Structuring the essay to follow a clear pattern—such as stating a point, providing evidence, and then explaining the implications—will also improve coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, which is essential for clarity. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. The first paragraph serves as an introduction but does not clearly separate the writer’s opinion from the supporting arguments. The second and third paragraphs contain multiple ideas that could be better organized into distinct points. For example, the discussion about the influence of boxing on viewers and the impact on children could be split into two separate paragraphs.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea. The writer could start with an introductory paragraph that clearly states the thesis, followed by separate paragraphs for each supporting argument. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. This will help the reader follow the argument more easily and understand the connections between points.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "in addition" and "for example," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences lack clear connections. For instance, the phrase "this illustrates how boxing could affect badly to youngsters" could benefit from a clearer link to the previous sentence, making it more cohesive. Additionally, the use of pronouns and synonyms is inconsistent, which can lead to confusion about what is being referred to.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "consequently," "therefore," "on the other hand," and "as a result." Additionally, ensuring that pronouns clearly refer back to their antecedents will improve clarity. The writer should also consider using synonyms to avoid repetition and enhance the flow of ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a clear position and some effective use of language, enhancing the organization of ideas, improving paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will help achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, but it often relies on repetitive phrases and lacks sophistication. For instance, terms like "violated sport," "physically damaged," and "bad influencer" appear, but they are either misused or overly simplistic. The phrase "coolness and aggressive of boxer" is awkward and unclear.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more precise terms. For example, instead of "bad influencer," consider using "negative role model" or "detrimental influence." Additionally, using phrases like "physical harm" instead of "physically damaged" would improve clarity and sophistication.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the overall clarity of the essay. The term "violated sport" is incorrect; "violent sport" would be the appropriate term. The phrase "could influence to those boxing interests" is also unclear and awkwardly constructed.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. For example, instead of "influence to those boxing interests," a clearer expression would be "influence those interested in boxing." Regularly reviewing and practicing vocabulary in context can help improve precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "violated" instead of "violent," "stimulated" instead of "stimulated," and "tolerance" instead of "tolerate." These errors can confuse readers and detract from the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, perhaps reading it aloud to catch errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Additionally, practicing writing exercises focused on commonly confused words can help solidify correct spelling in the writer’s mind.

Overall, while the essay shows an understanding of the topic and attempts to engage with it critically, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will significantly enhance the quality of the writing and potentially raise the band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, with few complex sentences that could enhance the argument. For example, phrases like "many boxing watchers feel stimulated than feared those punching actions" and "this could promote violation and unsuitable for children" reflect a lack of variety. The use of conjunctions is minimal, and the essay relies heavily on straightforward constructions, which limits the overall sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "many boxing watchers feel stimulated," the writer could say, "Many boxing watchers, who are often drawn to the excitement of the sport, feel stimulated rather than fearful." Practicing the use of relative clauses, conditional sentences, and varied sentence openings can also enhance the richness of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For example, "boxing is a violated sport" should be "boxing is a violent sport," and "result in physically damaged" should be "results in physical damage." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as the missing comma in "many boxing viewers temp to be more aggressive than who don’t," which should read "than those who don’t." The misuse of apostrophes in "aggressive’s character" is another example of grammatical inaccuracy.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review basic grammar rules, particularly subject-verb agreement and the correct use of adjectives and adverbs. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common errors can be beneficial. For punctuation, the writer should familiarize themselves with the rules regarding commas, especially in complex sentences. Reading more academic texts can also help the writer internalize correct grammar and punctuation usage.

In summary, to elevate the essay’s band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of sentence structures and improving grammatical and punctuation accuracy. Engaging in targeted practice and seeking feedback on drafts can significantly contribute to these improvements.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is a common belief that boxing is a violent sport which often results in physical injury, and many people believe that this sport should be banned in contemporary society. From my perspective, I firmly believe that this is a valid assertion, as it could promote violence and is unsuitable for children.

To begin with, many boxing spectators feel stimulated rather than fearful of the punching actions after watching a boxing match. Therefore, their violent and resentful nature is increased daily and could be provoked at any time. In addition, the coolness and aggression of boxers after winning a match could influence the interests of those who watch boxing, and conflict may arise in them as they seek to replicate that feeling. For example, in a recent study, many boxing viewers tend to be more aggressive than those who do not watch it. This could be one of the factors that lead to domestic violence.

On top of that, in the view of modern society, boxers are considered bad influences for children, and people are less likely to tolerate them. Numerous individuals believe that children could learn from their aggressive character and that they are not role models to emulate. Moreover, some parents even compel their children not to engage in boxing, even if it is their hobby. According to a recent study, youth tend to watch violent sports rather than those like soccer or basketball. Furthermore, many of these youths are reported to have fights with classmates in school. This illustrates how boxing could negatively influence youngsters and highlights a growing concern that society needs to address.

In conclusion, boxing has gained a negative reputation as it could provoke violence and has bad impacts on children. For these reasons, it is clear that boxing should not appear in the present day, as it is a violent sport with significant negative effects.