CA2-IE2-GROUP 6

CA2-IE2-GROUP 6

It is true that, the level of overweight children has tended to increase and reached alarming rate across the globe. There are many reasons why the children have that problem, nevertheless, everyone can apply some measures to avoid obese.

There are many things lead to a person becoming obese. The first reason is that, nowaday, fast food is produced more and tastes better. This makes children like to eat fast food more than home meals. The second reason is that, the children are more stressed and presured than before. They have a busy schedule and have little time for entertainment, therefore, they want to eat sweet foods to make their mood better.

There are several ways that people can do to solve the problem of obesity. Firstly, eating healthy is a path to have a beautiful body. In contrast to eating fast foods, eating a balanced diet can provide many nutrients that are good for health. Secondly, parents should not put pressure on their children. Because, when the children are stressed, they tend to eat more, leading to becoming overweight.

In conclusion, child obesity levels have increased because fast food is delicious and the proportion of children who are stressed is high and this issue can be addressed by the above two solutions.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is true that, the level of overweight children has tended to increase and reached alarming rate" -> "It is true that the prevalence of overweight children has increased significantly and reached alarming rates"
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects the grammatical structure and uses "prevalence" and "rates" which are more precise and formal terms in academic writing.

2. "the children have that problem" -> "children are affected by this issue"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and informal. The suggested change uses more formal language and clarifies that the issue affects children, not that they have the problem themselves.

3. "nowaday" -> "currently"
   Explanation: "Nowaday" is a nonstandard term. "Currently" is the correct and formal adverbial form.

4. "like to eat fast food more than home meals" -> "prefer fast food over home-cooked meals"
   Explanation: "Like to eat" is informal and vague. "Prefer" is more precise and formal, and "home-cooked meals" is a more specific term than "home meals."

5. "the children are more stressed and presured" -> "children are more stressed and pressured"
   Explanation: "Presured" is a typographical error. "Pressured" is the correct spelling.

6. "have little time for entertainment" -> "have limited leisure time"
   Explanation: "Limited leisure time" is a more formal and precise way to describe the lack of free time.

7. "want to eat sweet foods to make their mood better" -> "seek comfort in consuming sweet foods to improve their mood"
   Explanation: "Want to eat sweet foods" is informal and vague. "Seek comfort in consuming sweet foods" is more formal and accurately describes the psychological aspect of eating for comfort.

8. "people can do to solve the problem of obesity" -> "individuals can implement to address the issue of obesity"
   Explanation: "People can do" is informal and vague. "Individuals can implement" is more precise and formal, and "address the issue" is a more academic term than "solve the problem."

9. "eating healthy is a path to have a beautiful body" -> "maintaining a healthy diet is a path to achieving a healthy body"
   Explanation: "Eating healthy" is informal and imprecise. "Maintaining a healthy diet" is more specific and formal, and "achieving a healthy body" is a more accurate and formal expression.

10. "eating a balanced diet can provide many nutrients that are good for health" -> "a balanced diet can provide numerous essential nutrients beneficial to health"
    Explanation: The original phrase is redundant and informal. The revision clarifies and formalizes the statement, using "numerous essential nutrients beneficial to health" which is more precise and academically appropriate.

11. "parents should not put pressure on their children" -> "parents should refrain from placing undue pressure on their children"
    Explanation: "Should not put pressure" is informal and vague. "Should refrain from placing undue pressure" is more formal and specific, emphasizing the negative impact of excessive pressure.

12. "Because, when the children are stressed, they tend to eat more, leading to becoming overweight" -> "Because children under stress tend to overeat, which can lead to obesity"
    Explanation: The original phrase is informal and lacks clarity. The revision is more concise and uses "overeat" and "obesity" which are more precise and formal terms.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the issue of child obesity and provides reasons for its increase as well as potential solutions. However, it does not fully explore the prompt, which likely requires a more nuanced discussion of the causes and solutions. For instance, while the essay mentions fast food and stress as causes, it lacks depth in analyzing these factors or considering other potential causes such as lack of physical activity or socioeconomic factors. Additionally, the solutions provided are somewhat simplistic and do not cover a broader range of strategies that could be implemented by various stakeholders, such as schools or governments.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should ensure that they explore multiple causes of child obesity, including environmental and societal factors. Expanding on the solutions to include a wider array of strategies—such as promoting physical activity in schools, community programs, or government regulations on food marketing—would also strengthen the response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a general stance on the issue of child obesity, but it lacks a clear and consistent position throughout. The introduction suggests that measures can be applied to avoid obesity, yet the body paragraphs do not explicitly connect back to this position. The solutions mentioned are somewhat vague and do not reinforce a strong argument or perspective on how to effectively combat the issue.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and refer back to it throughout the essay. Each paragraph should link back to the central argument, reinforcing the importance of the proposed solutions and how they effectively address the causes discussed.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are basic and lack sufficient development. While the reasons for obesity are mentioned, they are not fully elaborated upon. For example, the statement about fast food being tastier is not supported with examples or evidence. Similarly, the proposed solutions are not adequately explained or justified, which weakens the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To effectively present, extend, and support ideas, the writer should provide specific examples or data to back up their claims. For instance, they could include statistics on childhood obesity rates or studies linking fast food consumption to health outcomes. Additionally, elaborating on how each solution could be implemented and its potential impact would provide a more robust argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on child obesity and its causes and solutions. However, there are moments where the connection to the main topic becomes tenuous, particularly in the transition between ideas. For instance, the mention of stress could be better linked to how it specifically contributes to unhealthy eating habits rather than being presented as a standalone point.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the central theme of child obesity. Using clear topic sentences for each paragraph that directly tie back to the prompt can help maintain coherence and relevance throughout the essay.

In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should aim to provide a more comprehensive exploration of the topic, maintain a clear and consistent position, support ideas with specific examples, and ensure that all points made are directly relevant to the issue of child obesity.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the issue of child obesity and hints at the reasons and solutions that will be discussed. Each body paragraph addresses specific reasons and solutions, which helps maintain a logical flow. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother; for instance, the shift from discussing reasons for obesity to solutions feels abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing the reasons for obesity, you could use a phrase like "In light of these challenges, it is essential to explore potential solutions." This would create a more seamless connection between paragraphs.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is essential for readability. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the topic—reasons for obesity in the first two paragraphs and solutions in the third. However, the second paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that summarize the main point of the paragraph, as the current opening lacks clarity.
  • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. For instance, instead of starting with "There are many things lead to a person becoming obese," consider a more direct approach like, "Several factors contribute to the rising rates of obesity among children." This sets a clear expectation for the reader.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "firstly," "secondly," and "in contrast," which help to structure the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are moments where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the use of "therefore" is appropriate, but additional devices like "furthermore," "moreover," or "on the other hand" could enhance the sophistication of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, when introducing solutions, you might say, "Moreover, parents play a crucial role in managing their children’s stress levels." This not only adds variety but also strengthens the connections between your ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, but there are opportunities for improvement in transitions, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices used. By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve a higher level of clarity and sophistication.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of child obesity, such as "overweight," "fast food," "balanced diet," and "stressed." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, particularly with terms like "children" and "fast food," which appear multiple times without variation. For example, phrases like "the children" and "the children are more stressed" could have been varied with synonyms or paraphrased expressions to enhance lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "children," alternatives like "youth," "youngsters," or "kids" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases such as "processed foods" instead of "fast food" could diversify the vocabulary and make the essay more engaging.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the level of overweight children has tended to increase and reached alarming rate." The phrase "alarming rate" is vague and could be more effectively expressed with specific terms like "epidemic levels" or "concerning trends." Furthermore, the phrase "the children have that problem" lacks clarity and could be more explicitly stated as "children face this issue."
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using more specific terms and phrases that convey the intended meaning clearly. For example, instead of saying "eating healthy is a path to have a beautiful body," a more precise expression could be "maintaining a healthy diet is essential for achieving and sustaining a healthy weight." This not only clarifies the message but also improves the overall quality of the writing.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay has several spelling errors, such as "nowaday" (should be "nowadays") and "presured" (should be "pressured"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader. Additionally, the phrase "leading to becoming overweight" could be more clearly stated as "leading to obesity," which is a more standard term.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as reading extensively and using spell-check tools. Additionally, creating a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can help reinforce correct spelling. Proofreading the essay before submission to catch any spelling mistakes would also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and employs relevant vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in terms of lexical range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance the quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("This makes children like to eat fast food more than home meals.") and compound sentences ("In contrast to eating fast foods, eating a balanced diet can provide many nutrients that are good for health."). However, the use of complex sentences is limited, which affects the overall range. For instance, the sentence "There are many things lead to a person becoming obese." lacks a necessary conjunction or relative clause to enhance complexity.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "The first reason is that, nowaday, fast food is produced more and tastes better," the writer could say, "One significant reason for this trend is that, due to increasing demand, fast food is not only produced more but also improved in taste." This approach will enhance the grammatical range and make the writing more engaging.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "the level of overweight children has tended to increase and reached alarming rate" should be "the level of overweight children has tended to increase and has reached an alarming rate." Additionally, the phrase "there are many things lead to a person becoming obese" should include "that" to read "there are many things that lead to a person becoming obese." Furthermore, the use of commas is inconsistent, such as in "It is true that, the level of overweight children…" where the comma after "that" is unnecessary.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises and reviewing common sentence structures can help. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors before submission will enhance clarity. For instance, revising sentences for clarity and correctness, such as ensuring that all clauses are properly connected and punctuated, will significantly improve the overall quality of the writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic command of grammatical structures, there is room for improvement in both the variety of structures used and the accuracy of grammar and punctuation. By incorporating more complex sentences and focusing on grammatical precision, the writer can enhance their score in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is true that the level of overweight children has tended to increase and has reached alarming rates across the globe. There are many reasons why children are affected by this issue; nevertheless, everyone can apply some measures to avoid obesity.

There are many factors that lead to a person becoming obese. The first reason is that, nowadays, fast food is produced more and tastes better. This makes children prefer fast food over home-cooked meals. The second reason is that children are more stressed and pressured than before. They have busy schedules and limited leisure time, therefore, they seek comfort in consuming sweet foods to improve their mood.

There are several ways that individuals can implement to address the issue of obesity. Firstly, maintaining a healthy diet is a path to achieving a healthy body. In contrast to eating fast food, a balanced diet can provide numerous essential nutrients beneficial to health. Secondly, parents should refrain from placing undue pressure on their children. Because children under stress tend to overeat, which can lead to obesity.

In conclusion, child obesity levels have increased because fast food is delicious and the proportion of children who are stressed is high, and this issue can be addressed by the above two solutions.