Chart A below shows the rate of oil consumption(in milllions of barrels) in the small country from 1950 to 2010. Chart B shows the number of people employed in the industry in that country, and also the rate of unemployment thoughout the country over the same time.

The line chart gives information on the proportion of oil consumption (in millions of barrels) in a small country from 1950 to 2010. The table illustrates the number of residents employed in the oil industry in that country, along with the unemployment ratio across the country during the same period.

It is clear that the proportion of annual consumption the lowest was 20 million barrels in 1995, while the highest was about 50 million barrels in 2010. In addition, the proportion of residents employed in the oil industry increased and decreased unevenly, while the percentage unemployment rate nationally increased gradually from 1995 to 2010.

Chart A The ratio of annual consumption the lowest was 20 million barrels in 1950 and increased slightly by about 2 million barrels in 1960 when it decreased slightly back to 20 million barrels in 1970. The proportion of oil consumption increased steadily to 2010, then rose by 40 million barrels in 2000. Furthermore, the rate of oil consumption hit its highest point around 50 million barrels in 2010.

Chart B indicates the number of people employed in the oil industry the lowest was 1 % in 1950 and 1970, and increased moderately from 2010. From 1980 to 2000 percentage of residents employed in the oil industry rose was 0.9% and hit its highest point of 3.1 % in 2010. On the other hand, the percentage unemployment rate nationally the highest was 4.1 % in 1960 and decreased gradually from 2010. Besides, the proportion of unemployment decreased was 1.7 % to 1970 from 2000 and hit a lowest was 1.6% in 2000.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"the lowest was" -> "reached its nadir"
Explanation: Replacing "the lowest was" with "reached its nadir" adds sophistication and precision to describe the minimum point of oil consumption or employment in the industry.
"about 50 million barrels" -> "approximately 50 million barrels"
Explanation: Using "approximately" instead of "about" maintains formality and precision in specifying the quantity of oil consumption.
"increased and decreased unevenly" -> "experienced fluctuations"
Explanation: "Experienced fluctuations" conveys the idea of irregular changes more elegantly and concisely than "increased and decreased unevenly."
"national unemployment rate" -> "unemployment rate nationwide"
Explanation: Rearranging the phrase to "unemployment rate nationwide" improves readability and conforms to standard English word order.
"The ratio of annual consumption the lowest was" -> "The nadir of annual consumption was"
Explanation: "The nadir of annual consumption was" provides a clearer and more concise expression of the lowest point of annual consumption, avoiding redundancy.
"increased slightly by about" -> "experienced a marginal increase of approximately"
Explanation: "Experienced a marginal increase of approximately" offers a more precise description of the slight increment in oil consumption, enhancing clarity.
"hit its highest point" -> "peaked"
Explanation: "Peaked" succinctly communicates the maximum level of oil consumption without sacrificing clarity or formality.
"indicates the number of people employed" -> "illustrates the employment figures"
Explanation: "Illustrates the employment figures" offers a more dynamic and descriptive alternative to "indicates the number of people employed," enhancing engagement with the reader.
"increased moderately from" -> "experienced a moderate increase from"
Explanation: "Experienced a moderate increase from" provides a clearer and more formal description of the rise in employment percentage.
"the proportion of unemployment decreased" -> "the unemployment rate declined"
Explanation: "The unemployment rate declined" is a more precise and formal way to express the reduction in unemployment proportion, improving clarity and readability.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

[
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the task by providing an overview of the trends in oil consumption, employment in the oil industry, and unemployment rate in the small country from 1950 to 2010. Key features and trends are highlighted, such as the fluctuations in oil consumption, changes in employment percentages, and the trend of the unemployment rate. However, some details are inaccurate or unclear, such as mentioning "the lowest was 20 million barrels in 1995" instead of 1950, and inconsistencies in the description of employment percentages.
How to improve: To enhance the score, ensure accurate and consistent use of data and terminology. Provide clearer transitions between different aspects discussed, and avoid repetitive phrases like "the lowest was." Additionally, consider providing more context or analysis where relevant to further develop the response.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information in a somewhat coherent manner, presenting an overview of the data from both charts. There is an attempt at logical organization, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing each chart, and a conclusion. However, there are some issues with cohesion within and between sentences, such as repetitive phrasing and lack of clear transitions. The essay uses cohesive devices effectively to some extent, but there are instances of mechanical or faulty cohesion. The paragraphing is somewhat logical, with separate sections for each chart, but the transitions between ideas could be smoother.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on using a wider variety of cohesive devices such as conjunctions, transitions, and pronouns to create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical progression of ideas. Avoid repetitive phrasing and strive for more natural and varied language. Additionally, pay attention to referencing and make sure pronouns and other referencing devices are used clearly and appropriately throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay uses a basic range of vocabulary with noticeable repetition and some errors in word choice and collocation that can cause strain for the reader. The sentence structure is somewhat awkward, and there are instances of incorrect word usage. While there is some attempt to use terminology relevant to the topic, the vocabulary remains limited, and the errors may make the content confusing in parts. There is a need for greater precision and flexibility in lexical use.

How to improve:

Expand Vocabulary: Work on broadening your vocabulary to include a wider range of words and expressions. Use synonyms and varied language structures to avoid repetition.
Improve Word Choice and Collocation: Pay attention to how words and phrases are naturally used together. Practice with collocations to ensure they are appropriate in context.
Focus on Spelling and Grammar: Errors in spelling and word formation can hinder understanding. Proofread your work and consider using tools or resources to improve accuracy.
Practice Writing with Feedback: Write more essays and seek feedback from proficient users or instructors. This can help identify patterns of error and guide you toward better word choice and correct spelling.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. It utilizes varied sentence structures but also contains some errors in grammar and punctuation, which occasionally hinder communication. There is an attempt to convey complex ideas, but the accuracy is inconsistent. While the essay presents an overview of the charts, there are issues with clarity and cohesion.
How to improve: Focus on enhancing the accuracy of complex sentence structures. Ensure consistent and correct use of grammar and punctuation throughout the essay. Work on improving coherence and cohesion by organizing ideas more logically and clearly. Additionally, pay attention to providing a more detailed analysis of the data presented in the charts.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line chart and table depict data related to oil consumption, employment in the oil industry, and the unemployment rate in a small country from 1950 to 2010.

Firstly, examining Chart A, it is evident that the annual oil consumption varied significantly over the period. In 1950, consumption stood at a low of 20 million barrels, experiencing a slight increase to approximately 22 million barrels in 1960 before returning to 20 million barrels by 1970. Subsequently, there was a steady rise in consumption, reaching a peak of 50 million barrels in 2010.

Turning to Chart B, the percentage of residents employed in the oil industry fluctuated irregularly. It started at 1% in both 1950 and 1970, then saw moderate increases, notably reaching 3.1% in 2010. Conversely, the national unemployment rate experienced gradual decreases from 4.1% in 1960 to 1.6% in 2000, before rising slightly to 1.7% by 2010.

Overall, the data shows a clear pattern of growth in oil consumption and employment in the oil industry, coupled with a decline in the national unemployment rate over the specified period.